Goddamn it. (Cries in high definition). How do I keep ending up in situations like this? I spawned in this super weird city—kind of like a German Disneyland? Yeah, let's go with that.
I'm tired of this bullshit. My head hurts, and I'm hungry like I haven't eaten for five years—which, apparently, I haven't. And to top it off, this terrible woman is dragging me by my hair through the cobblestone streets.
Your Boi☆: "I'm too delicate for this, you bitch!"
I screamed, but she ignored me. Man, I watched the city go by from ground level. It was bustling—bakers making fresh bread, children playing, guards looking all serious. And this woman just kept pulling me through the crowd. I wailed. I cried. I threw a tantrum so loud it transcended language barriers.
Eventually, people started staring. I lifted my fingers, pointed at the crowd, and gave them the line:
> "☆ You like jazz? ☆"
>
I swear, they looked offended. Even the kids looked at me like I was something they stepped in. One kid side-eyed me and muttered, "Worthless scum." Then the adults picked up the vibe and started repeating it in unison like some creepy cult.
I went back to crying.
Eventually, we left the main square and started heading up some stairs. Well, she walked; I was dragged. My ass was literally dying, but what could I do? I crossed my arms and looked up at the woman. The only "woman" features she had were her silhouette, because she was absolutely dripped out in Dark Knight armor. What is this, bro? Dark Souls thighs? I looked at her legs and couldn't help it.
Your Boi☆: "Hehehe... Hehe... Hehe..."
THWACK. She knocked me out cold.
When I woke up, I was in the middle of a King's room. A room where the King... Kings? Whatever. I was already on the floor, so I stayed there. I rolled onto my side, propped my head up with one hand, and started snapping the fingers of the other hand at the King.
Your Boi☆: "What's the meaning of this? Is this how you treat your heroes? I'm basically Jesus, so what is—"
I didn't even finish the sentence before a random maid appeared out of nowhere and started going to town on my face. Just a flurry of slaps. Left, right, left, right.
Your Boi☆: "Please, pimp, chill!!"
I cried for mercy, but she had zero chill. After about thirteen minutes of getting my face rearranged, the King finally stood up.
King of Lafeland: "How can this be? The Hero has been sent to us after all..."
He actually started crying. He walked over to look at me, so I went back into my "sexy side-lay" pose and asked him in the sauciest voice possible:
Your Boi☆: "Daddy... can you chill?"
I gave him a wink. I thought it was smooth. The maid, however, thought it was a war crime. She stepped back in and slapped the absolute shit out of me again. Why is she so cruel?! (CRIES AGGRESSIVELY).
"Stop, you witch!" I yelled, but the claps kept coming.
When the slapping finally stopped, my face was redder than a baboon's ass. I stayed in my pose but turned the other way so she couldn't reach the target. To my surprise, the King came over, gave me a piece of candy, and patted my head.
King of Lafeland: "Welcome, Hero. It must have been a painful road to get here. Let us take care of you."
Two other maids picked me up. I refused to move, staying in my "cool laying pose" while they carried me like a piece of furniture.
King of Lafeland: "It's been five years since the Incident. Five long years..."
Tears streamed down his face, but then he suddenly threw his middle finger up at the ceiling.
King of Lafeland: "Take THIS, you bitch-ass King of Demons!!"
The King was actually a pretty chill guy. A little old, but a real one.
Then, the Dark Knight woman stepped forward. She pulled off her helmet, and dayum. Her skin was tanned, with freckles dancing across her nose and under eyes that looked like they reflected entire galaxies. Her long black hair practically glowed. She rested her helmet in one arm and placed the other on the King's shoulder.
Dark Knight Frida: "It's finally time."
A single tear escaped her eye. She looked legendary.