Date: June 15, 1990 (Friday).
Location: The Cooper Residence, Highland Park.
Event: The Arrival of the New Yorkers.
Part 1: DEFCON 1
The Normandy Invasion probably had less tactical planning than Mary Cooper preparing for Judy Geller.
For three days, the house had been a war zone. The floors were polished until they were slippery enough to skate on. The windows were cleaned inside and out. Mary had even hired a professional florist to install arrangements that looked like they belonged at a royal wedding or a very expensive funeral.
"Georgie!" Mary yelled from the foyer, her voice echoing off the marble. "Is the pool skimmed? If Judy sees a leaf, she will mention it. She has eyes like a hawk. Remember Medford? She spotted a cobweb on the ceiling fan from the driveway."
"The pool is spotless, Mom," I yelled back from the kitchen. "Zach is practically guarding it."
It was true. Zach was currently patrolling the pool deck with a skimmer net, treating every falling leaf like a linebacker blitzing the A-gap. If a bug landed on the water, Zach scooped it up with terrifying efficiency. Jimmy was helping Eric van der Woodsen set up the patio furniture, measuring the distance between chairs to ensure symmetry.
"Good," Mary exhaled, adjusting a vase of lilies for the twelfth time. "And where is your father?"
"He's in the den," I said. "Eating his... special snacks."
In reality, George Sr. was eating celery sticks and turkey jerky, grumbling about how much he missed pork rinds. The "Health Conspiracy" was holding strong. We had told him that Judy Geller was "very judgmental about health," so he needed to look fit. He bought it. Fear of Judy Geller was a powerful motivator.
Serena walked down the stairs. She looked perfect—white sundress, hair pulled back, very "Dallas Society Hostess." She had been coaching Mary all week on how to handle the "New York Energy."
"Relax, Mary," Serena said, putting a hand on my mom's arm. "The house looks incredible. You have the staff, the view, and the Heisman candidates in the backyard. You hold all the cards."
Mary straightened her spine, smoothing her dress. "You're right. I hold the cards. I am not the poor relative from East Texas anymore. Let her try to find a cobweb on a twenty-foot ceiling."
"Exactly," Serena smiled. "You're the Queen of Highland Park. Let her come."
Meemaw walked in from the kitchen, holding a martini. It was 2:00 PM. She looked ready for a street fight.
"I don't know why we're doing all this for the Gellers," Meemaw grumbled, taking a sip. "That woman looks at me like I'm a rash she can't get rid of. Last time they visited, she asked if I bought my clothes at a garage sale. I should have spiked her tea with laxatives."
"Be nice, Mom," Mary warned. "Jack and Judy are successful people. Ross is in college. We need to show them we are doing well."
"We live in a mansion, Mary," Meemaw pointed out, gesturing to the crystal chandelier with her glass. "If they can't see we're doing well, they're blind. Or stupid. And considering they raised that whiny dinosaur boy, I'm betting on stupid."
The doorbell rang.
It was a heavy, expensive chime that resonated through the house like a church bell.
Mary froze. She took a deep breath. She looked at me. She looked at Serena.
"Showtime," she whispered.
Part 2: The Arrival
I opened the massive oak double doors.
Standing on the porch was the Geller clan, looking sweaty in the Texas heat.
Jack Geller, wearing a tan suit that was entirely too heavy for June, smiling broadly.
Judy Geller, immaculate in a floral dress, her eyes already scanning the interior for dust, cracks, or signs of poverty.
Ross Geller, looking exactly like a younger, lankier version of David Schwimmer, carrying a leather satchel that probably contained his "very important papers."
And Monica.
Monica was sixteen, same as Ross. She was in her "awkward phase." She wore baggy clothes that tried to hide her figure, and she was looking at the ground, clearly dreading this trip. She remembered Medford, too—where she felt out of place and scrutinized.
"Well, look at this!" Jack boomed, stepping inside. "It's the Taj Mahal!"
"Hello, Jack," Mary beamed, stepping forward for a hug. "Welcome to our home."
Judy walked in. She didn't hug Mary immediately. She looked up at the crystal chandelier. She looked at the marble floors. She looked at the grand staircase.
She couldn't find a flaw. It was physically painful for her.
"It's... spacious, Mary," Judy said finally, her voice tight. "Though, don't you find the echo a bit cold? It feels a bit like a hotel lobby. Or a museum."
Meemaw stepped forward, smiling sweetly.
"Well, Judy, we needed the extra space," Meemaw chirped. "Since George is so successful now, we needed room for all the trophies. And my ego."
Judy pursed her lips. "Hello, Connie. You look... colorful."
"And you look like you smelled something bad," Meemaw countered. "Come on in. I made punch. It's mostly gin."
Serena stepped in before Mary could panic.
"Mrs. Geller, I'm Serena," she said, extending a hand. "Georgie's girlfriend. The echo is actually intentional. It was designed by the same architect who did the Winspear Opera House. It's meant for piano recitals."
Judy blinked. She looked at Serena. She saw the van der Woodsen posture, the dress, the confidence. She recognized "Old Money" instantly.
"Oh," Judy said, her tone changing completely. "Well. That is... impressive."
I stepped up. I shook Jack's hand.
"Good to see you, sir."
"You got big!" Jack laughed, squeezing my shoulder. "Judy, look at him. He's built like a linebacker!"
"Quarterback, actually," I said.
I looked at Ross. He was smirking, adjusting his bag strap.
"Sports," Ross scoffed softly. "How... primal."
"Hey Ross," I said, ignoring the jab. "Welcome back to Texas."
Then I looked at Monica. She was hiding behind Jack, trying to be invisible.
In the show, people made fun of "Fat Monica."
Not in my house.
"Monica!" I said, stepping around Jack to give her a big hug. "Good to see you again. It's been a while."
She froze, surprised by the contact. "Oh. Hi, Georgie. I... thanks. Hi."
"You look great," I lied—well, half-lied. She looked uncomfortable, but she was family. "You gotta check out the kitchen later. Mom is trying to cook, but honestly? We need a pro. I remember those cookies you made in Medford. I still dream about them."
Monica blushed deep red, a small smile appearing. "I just... I like to bake."
"We'll need that," I winked. "The linemen eat like horses. Seriously, don't stand between them and the fridge."
Part 3: The Intellectual Heavyweight Championship
We moved to the living room for drinks.
This was where things usually went wrong. Ross liked to dominate conversations to make himself feel special. Last time in Medford, Sheldon had humiliated him. Ross was clearly looking for a rematch.
"So, Ross," Mary asked politely, pouring iced tea. "How is college?"
"It's fascinating," Ross said, crossing his legs and adopting his 'Professor' voice. "I'm focusing on Paleontology. We're currently studying the late Cretaceous period. It's rigorous. Most people don't have the cranial capacity for the memorization required."
He looked around the room, expecting us to be impressed.
"You are still doing that?" Sheldon asked.
Sheldon was sitting in the corner armchair, reading a comic book. He hadn't looked up until now.
"Excuse me?" Ross asked.
"Dinosaurs," Sheldon said, lowering the comic. "We discussed this years ago, Ross. I assumed by now you would have evolved into a real science. Like Physics. Or at least Chemistry."
Ross bristled. "It is a science! We are reconstructing history! I have a paper being published in the University Journal regarding the velocity of a T-Rex!"
"Velocity?"
Eric van der Woodsen walked in from the patio, followed by Larry Allen and Zach.
The room suddenly felt very small.
Larry was 6'3", 325 pounds. Zach was a block of granite. Even Eric looked athletic compared to Ross.
"Who's talking about velocity?" Larry asked, his deep voice rumbling like an idling truck.
"This is Ross," I introduced. "He's a scientist."
Larry looked at Ross. He looked at Ross's skinny arms. He looked at the satchel.
"You're a scientist?" Larry asked. "Like... you make bombs?"
"No," Ross squeaked, shrinking back into the sofa. "I study... fossils."
"Bones," Larry nodded respectfully. "That's cool. I broke a bone once. My own thumb. Snapped it right off."
Ross looked horrified. "You... snapped it off?"
"Put it back in with tape," Larry shrugged, grabbing a handful of nuts from the coffee table. "Played the second half."
Ross looked at Larry. He looked at Sheldon, who was looking at him with pity. He realized he was neither the smartest person in the room nor the toughest.
"I think I'll have some more tea," Ross whispered.
"Good idea," Meemaw called out from the wet bar. "Want some rum in that? Helps with the shame."
Part 4: The Flex
George Sr. walked in. He looked thinner (thanks to the turkey bacon) and tan. He was wearing a polo shirt with the Highland Park logo.
"Jack!" George boomed. "Good to see you!"
"George!" Jack stood up. "You look fantastic! I heard you're the King of Texas now!"
"Just coaching ball, Jack," George said modestly. "Come on out back. I got cigars. Cuban. Don't tell the Feds."
"Judy," Mary said, standing up. "Would you like a tour of the grounds? The gardener just finished the rose garden."
"I suppose," Judy said, sniffing. "Although roses are so... common. Everyone has roses."
"These are imported from France," Serena added helpfully. "The same strain used at Versailles. Mary had them flown in."
"Oh," Judy said. "Well. Let's see them."
The adults left.
That left the "Kids."
Me, Serena, Eric, The Recruits (Larry/Zach/Jimmy), Sheldon, Ross, and Monica.
"So," Jimmy said, leaning against the wall. "You guys from New York?"
"Long Island," Ross corrected quickly. "It's quite different from the city. Much more refined."
"Is it true you guys have rats the size of dogs?" Zach asked seriously.
"No," Monica said softly. It was the first time she spoke to the group. "But the pizza is really good."
"Pizza?" Larry's ears perked up. He stopped eating the nuts. "I like pizza."
"Monica makes homemade pizza," Ross said, trying to be supportive for once (or maybe just desperate to change the subject from his T-Rex paper). "It's actually... edible."
"It's amazing," Monica corrected, gaining a tiny bit of spine. "I make my own dough."
Larry looked at Monica. He walked over to her. He loomed over her like a skyscraper.
Monica looked terrified. She clutched her purse like a shield.
"You make dough?" Larry asked.
"Y-yes," Monica stammered.
"Can you make it thick?" Larry asked intensely. "Like... deep dish? With the cheese in the crust?"
"I... I can make whatever you want," Monica whispered.
Larry smiled. It was a terrifying, beautiful smile.
"I like you," Larry declared. "Georgie, where is the flour? We need to let this woman work."
"Kitchen is yours, Monica," I said. "Whatever you need. Eric, show her where the supplies are. We have that fancy Italian oven on the patio."
"On it," Eric said. "Come on, Monica. Let's ditch the nerds."
Monica stood up. She looked at Ross (who was being lectured by Sheldon about why *Jurassic Park* was scientifically illiterate). She looked at the window where Judy was critically inspecting the grass.
Then she looked at Larry Allen, who was looking at her like she was a celebrity chef.
She smiled. A real smile.
"Okay," Monica said. "Let's make some pizza."
She walked into the kitchen with Eric and Larry trailing her like hungry puppies.
I sat down next to Serena on the sofa.
"Phase One complete," I whispered.
"We survived the arrival," Serena agreed. "Your mom is winning the war with Judy. Sheldon neutralized Ross. And Larry just adopted Monica."
"The Geller Invasion has been contained," I said.
"Don't get cocky," Serena warned. "We still have dinner. And Ross looks like he's about to cry."
I looked at Ross. Sheldon was drawing a diagram on a napkin.
"You see, Ross," Sheldon explained. "If you account for the atmospheric density of the Cretaceous period, your velocity calculations are laughable."
Ross slumped. "I hate this state."
"He'll be fine," I said. "It builds character."
[Quest Update: The Geller Invasion]
* Mary: Status Secured (Backed by Serena/House).
* Ross: Humbled (Round 2: KO by Sheldon).
* Monica: Integrated (Kitchen Access Granted).
* George Sr: Stress Levels Low (Cigar Therapy).
***
**AUTHOR'S NOTE**
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