Chapter 59: Theory, Practice, and Who Exactly Is Clint Hardwood (2)
Melissa snorted at Ross's words. "I don't believe you. Excuse me, miss, I'd like to order!" Melissa called toward Rachel at the counter.
Rachel came over. "What would you like? Ross, Bruce, is this your friend? I don't think we've met."
Ross said, "This is Melissa!"
Rachel smiled at Melissa. "Hi, Melissa, I'm Rachel. What can I get you?"
Melissa said, "Just any coffee is fine. Then tell me—working here, have you ever met a customer named Clint Hardwood? He's an adult film screenwriter!"
Rachel replied, "I don't know the person you're talking about, but I do know a screenwriter who..."
Ross cut Rachel off. "Ahhh, Rachel, I need a refill—now, please."
Interrupted, Rachel said "Sorry, I'll be right back" to Melissa, then headed behind the counter; Ross followed, and Bruce went along.
Rachel asked, "What are you two doing? That woman is clearly looking for Bruce, and I just realized—Clint Hardwood is the pen name Bruce uses when he writes adult films!"
Ross said, "Look, Rachel, I'm protecting Bruce. Melissa's looking for Clint because the dialogue in his movies turns her on, okay?"
Rachel grinned at Bruce. "Wow, Bruce, you've got an obsessed fan—and she's a woman!"
Bruce said, "She seems pretty normal—where's the obsession?"
Rachel said, "Sounds like Bruce wants Melissa to know who he is! Ross, maybe you're keeping Melissa from meeting Bruce for your own reasons. Let Bruce decide."
Bruce said, "Um... I don't mind Melissa knowing. Having someone appreciate my work, even if it's adult films, makes me happy. It's not a big deal, but I don't want to put Ross in an awkward position, so—Ross decides."
Ross exhaled, glanced toward the couch, then said, "All right, Bruce, I'll tell Melissa."
Ross walked over; Rachel started to follow. Bruce called, "Where are you going?"
Rachel said, "I'm bringing her coffee. Aren't you coming? You're the main attraction—without you there's no show. Come on."
As Bruce and Rachel approached, Melissa studied Bruce for a moment, then turned to Ross and shook her head. "You're kidding—he's not Clint Hardwood!"
The other three were stunned: after Ross finally admitted Bruce was Clint, Melissa refused to believe it!
Ross protested, "He is Clint Hardwood! I tell you the truth and suddenly you decide he's lying?"
Melissa stared at Bruce again, thinking, then gave another small shake of her head. "No way, he's not Clint."
A minute ago Ross was afraid of Melissa learning the truth; now he was desperate for her to believe it. "Bruce, recite some lines from Clerks for her—who besides the writer could remember that dialogue?"
Bruce, embarrassed, was about to say he'd mostly forgotten the lines—he wasn't insane enough to memorize them—when Melissa cut in: "So what? Reciting proves nothing. I can quote some too—does that make me the co-writer?"
Unconvinced, Ross spent the next half-hour arguing with Melissa over whether Bruce was the adult film writer Clint Hardwood.
Seeing no end in sight, Bruce slipped over to the café phone and made a call.
He then gave Gunther and the other staff a few quick instructions.
Half an hour later Joey pushed open the door. Sophie, passing with a tray, greeted him: "Hey, Clint, you're here—what can I get you?"
"Clint" said, "I'll have a latte."
Sophie called loudly toward the counter, "Clint wants a latte!"
Gunther chimed in, "Coming right up—one latte for Clint!"
Melissa stopped arguing the instant she heard "Clint," turning to stare at the newcomer.
When "Clint" sat on the couch and said "Hi," Bruce feigned annoyance. "Clint, did you have to show up right now?"
Melissa shot Bruce an irritated look, then gently asked the fake Clint, "May I ask your full name?"
Clint replied, "Clint Hardwood—and you are?"
Excited, Melissa said, "Oh my god, Mr. Hardwood—hi, I'm Melissa. Honestly, I love your scripts. I only discovered your work yesterday when I saw Clerks 69, then bought and watched everything you've written! Your dialogue really speaks to me—I hope that's not weird."
"Clint" gave her a warm smile, accepted his latte from Gunther, and said, "Why would I think a beautiful woman liking my films is weird? I happen to like them too."
Even more excited, Melissa asked, "Mr. Hardwood, could you sign this notebook? I wrote down some of your lines—could you write 'To Melissa, from Clint'?"
"Clint" said "Of course," took the notebook and pen, and wrote as requested.
Handing them back, he asked, "Anything else—maybe a photo together?"
Melissa quickly said, "Definitely, but I didn't bring a camera. Actually..." She hesitated, then whispered, "I was hoping... maybe you could... recite some lines for me—I hope that's not too much to ask."
"Clint" blinked, then smiled. "Not at all—I'd be happy to. But this isn't really the right place, don't you think?"
Melissa said, "Of course. So—would you like to leave with me now?"
"Clint" replied, "Sure—why not? We should find somewhere with a camera!"
Watching Joey leave with Melissa before his latte even cooled, Bruce told the stunned Ross, "Think we can still catch them and tell Joey she's your ex?"
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