The day had been perfect so far. My palms were clammy owing to the warmth of her hand, and I could've sworn that she had smiled at me when I reached for it.
This… This could really be the one!
We approached the edge of the huge intersection as a crowd of people began to swell around us. A chilly breeze kicked up the autumn leaves in the middle of the crossing, and the lights of digital billboards reflected off the windows of passing traffic.
Though the sun had only just set, anyone would have thought otherwise. At night, Shibuya's vibrant heart came roaring to life, and at that moment, so did mine.
I stared down at my feet and ushered a pebble onto the road as the girl loosely gripped my hand. She'd gone silent since we'd started holding hands minutes earlier–a far cry from the giggles and glances we'd exchanged at dinner.
Nerves began to gather in the pit of my stomach, and my mind spiralled around only one thought: how I was going to see this first date through to its end.
I should just ask her already, right? She's different… right?
All of the signs (except for the walk sign) were green. So, I took a deep breath and rehearsed my lines one last time – the very words I'd never had the chance to speak.
'Hey. I had a lot of fun today. Can I see you again sometime soon?'
Airborne leaves that had been blown about gathered in the middle of the road, swirling as the wind picked up. The cold nibbled at my face, and the crowd that surrounded us, now probably hundreds large, all held their breath for the walk sign.
I swallowed hard and bit the inside of my bottom lip.
Okay!
"…"
"Umm Mizuki-san?" / "Umm, Souta-kun?"
Ah– We spoke at the same time.
The woman's voice that collided with mine belonged to my date, Mizuki. I turned towards her and found her glancing up at me. We made eye contact, but as we did, her hand loosened its grip, slowly squirming its way out of mine.
"Oh, a-after you," I stumbled, as I glanced down at my empty palm. I discreetly wiped it on the back of my trousers. What felt like a long moment passed, but in reality was just a second. I continued to look at Mizuki, but her eyes averted mine. Maybe she felt just as awkward as I did.
What was she going to say? Ugh. Why did I have to speak right at that moment?! Did I screw this up again?!
Beads of sweat surfaced on my forehead and formed on the back of my neck as she began to speak.
"Umm, Souta," she said, finally looking me in the eyes. "I have to go. I have class early in the morning… Sorry."
Huh? Class? But we take the same courses. We don't even have a lecture tomorrow…
Did I move too soon and make her uncomfortable?
No. No, no, it can't be that. We reached for each other at the same time, and she definitely was blushing! She's the one who asked me out, so she can't be like the others. Calm down. It sucks to end it here, but let's just walk her home.
No matter what my mind said, my body couldn't agree. My ribs began to cave as the nerves surged within my stomach. The world fell silent around me, reducing everything to no more than a dull ring. I should've known better than to keep trying, but I wrestled the corners of my lips up into a smile and replied.
Before I could say anything, Mizuki turned her gaze towards the other side of the crossing, the traffic lights turning red at the same time. The walk chime finally sounded, and the wave of people behind us surged forward, taking us along with it. We were side by side one second, and separated the next.
"I-I'll walk you to the station! Mizuki!" I shouted out, reaching across people who used my arm like a turnstile. I wanted to make sure she got home safely, but I also needed some kind of reassurance. Why would she lie about having class? What happened?
As people walked around and between us, the distance between the two of us slowly began to grow. She was being pulled away. I was losing her.
No. Remember? She was in the bathroom for a while at the cinema. Maybe she's just not feeling well? Yeah… yeah, it must be something like that. Whatever it is, let's just make sure she's safe!
"Mizuki!" I continued to shout, my voice barely rising above the sound of heels clacking across the asphalt. My voice didn't seem to reach her, but I could see her more clearly.
As I finally found a gap in the crowd and shoved my way towards Mizuki, as if she knew where I was all along, the college girl suddenly stopped and glanced back at me. Though now, as her eyes met mine, it became clear that any further efforts were futile. The vacant stare that I'd seen more times than I could count told me only one thing: the date was over.
"I'm fine, thanks. I gotta go. Take care," she said, turning away. No sooner had she finished her sentence than the tsunami of people that traversed the Shibuya crossing swallowed her whole.
…
I froze.
…
I blankly stared into the torrent of people that parted around me, as waves of pedestrians crashed into each other.
It was all going wrong again, and this time, Shibuya showed no mercy.
The cacophony of people's conversations suddenly erupted back into the air, and the glow of billboards, car headlights, and phone screens blurred together in my vision. The uncaring urban groan of the city had come rushing back in an attempt to drown my despair.
This can't be happening. This can't be happening! I told myself I wouldn't let this happen again! Why did she leave just like the rest?! What did I do?! Why won't you tell me?! Why won't any of you tell me?!
I'd desperately wanted to at least complete a first date, but it seemed like the only thing in my life that was impossible.
I'd excelled in school and sports – even becoming the prefectural Kendo champion in middle school, and yet, I'd never been able to make it to the end of a first date, let alone have a second.
All I was asking for was someone to love. Was that too much to ask?
No! I'm going to get an answer this time! I have to!
I sprang back to life and, dodging between people, ran after Mizuki. I clenched my jaw tightly just in case my heart fell out of my mouth.
If I could just show her that I wanted to see her again, then maybe she'd know I was serious. What made me think this time would be any different, though? My feelings only ever found the void.
As my eyes darted and my head whipped around to scan for her among the crowd, I decided that I'd never find her this way.
I had to resort to the only option I had left.
…
"Um!…" I shouted, louder than I ever had in my life.
"Can't we see each other again, Mizuki-san?!"
Time seemed to slow. People stayed fixated on their phones as they walked by, paying me no attention. My head thumped, and my hands were drenched. I couldn't let it end like this. This was my last chance at love. I promised myself I'd give up if this didn't work.
As I craned my neck over people and gazed into the crowd, a small hole suddenly opened up, and in it stood Mizuki. At that moment, it felt like everyone else ceased to exist. Faceless people blurred around her.
I tried to move towards her, but my legs wouldn't cooperate. I stood firmly planted in the middle of the road, rooted to the ground like a tree.
She turned in my direction, the breeze faintly catching her face and obscuring her eyes behind her bangs. Her silky black hair was so well-maintained that I could see the white and neon lights reflecting off the top of her head.
I'd have my answer if I could see her expression, but her next words told me all I needed to know.
…
Please… Don't...
"Sorry," she mouthed, before fading into the blur once more — this time, forever.
"…"
That was it. The twentieth 'first date' that I'd ever been on.
The walk signs blared red, and the crowd thinned around me. Mizuki was gone, and so were my hopes of ever having a girlfriend.
My heart sank, and my body began to wilt. Police officers whistled at me to move as cars began to enter the intersection, blaring their horns.
Isn't this too cruel?
The world had moved on already, yet here I stood, still stuck, unable to even understand why this was happening to me. I was stuck in the middle of the Shibuya Crossing – stuck in love.
Just… What the hell is wrong with me? Am I cursed or something?!
The subtle breeze whipped up into a strong wind as the many tall, tightly packed buildings funnelled it at great speed. It slapped me across the face, but had no effect.
As I exited the crossing alone and back the way we'd come, I felt like I'd lost consciousness – like I was no longer in control of my body. My thoughts had no beginning and no end; they were nothing more than just a jumble of incoherent memories of the faces of each girl that I'd somehow pushed away. In the end, my head just ached, and my chest felt bruised.
Before I knew it, I'd started walking.
I threw the hood of my jumper over my head and shrank away into the quiet side streets of Shibuya. Away from the glare of neon and in the comfort of darkness, I headed in the direction of the only place that I knew could cheer me up.
I hope he's there.