Heron brought the ship in closer to the planet. There was intelligent life and after five years of searching this was the most promising prospect for a discovery bonus. A more detailed examination was warranted.
"Look!" said Byron, pointing to the satellites ringing the blue and white planet below them, "Satellites. That proves they're intelligent."
"You are so desperate, Byron," said Heron and pointed at all the bits and pieces of old propulsion units and space junk that was also in orbit, "Junk. What intelligent creatures leave rubbish floating around in orbit to either drop on the planet or damage ships exiting orbit?"
Byron frowned and once more looked out the view port for some more indicators of intelligent life.
"But what about that?" asked Nelson, pointing at a strange spaceship shaped like a big spanner, "The locals are in space! Let's invite them to join!"
"Can you see any other space traffic? They aren't even on their moon," said Heron.
"Yes they are," said Byron, "We saw evidence of their being on the moon when we flew past."
"Sure. They went to the moon and left junk all over it too and went back home. That's real intelligent!" said Heron mockingly as he sighed. "Let's just follow the protocols and get paid for coming close."
Heron poked Byron and Nelson to get them to stop pointing out the window and look at him.
"The Federation has pretty high standards for planets that are to join. The locals must show they have sufficient technology and capabilities to not only get to space, but also prosper there and be a positive part of the galaxy. Just having dead beats join is a waste of resources. I mean, what would these people offer the Federation?"
Byron looked at Nelson and Nelson shrugged. Byron pretended to think deeply and then gave up a second later and shrugged too.
"That's what I thought," said Heron sighing, "We may as well get this over with and move on to the next star system."
"Wait a moment," said Nelson, "Aren't there three levels?"
"Well, yeah," said Heron, wondering briefly how Nelson knew that, "But we only get the good prizes for the top level, Membership. Although the second level, Off Limits, is a good second prize. We just have to show that the planet's main inhabitants are capable of getting on the road to later membership. The third level is when there is no hope and the planet is declared Non Compatible. No bonus at all, just like every other planet we have seen."
"Then we should get at least the second level," said Byron, wrinkling his wide brow, "If they can build space ships, they should get as good as us eventually."
"Maybe," said Heron, "But knowing our luck, they will fail the tests so badly we will get nothing."
Heron paused and loaded up the manual for doing the standard tests. These tests had been established for over five hundred years and were very standard. They had a very rigid check box system that collated all the data. Once complete the report was saved to a data disc, popped into a message drone about the size of a baseball called a Data Pod and dropped out into space. The Data Pod then went as quick as possible to a suitable spot and Intersected in lots of tiny jumps that ships manned by people just couldn't handle, eventually getting to a GET and zapping straight to Federation of Planets Exploration Headquarters. They would then arrange for whatever happened next.
"Can I have a go?" asked Byron in the nicest voice he could.
"At what?" asked Heron, looking up. Nelson sat back sipping his Fizzy obviously enjoying what was unfolding.
"Doing the beaming up," smiled Byron, exuding confidence and trying a winning smile that ended up more like a silly grimace.
"Have you read the manual?" responded Heron.
"Uh huh," said Byron in what sounded like an affirmative response, "And it's not fair. You always get to do the fun stuff. Let me have a go."
Heron sighed again. He had perfected sighing over the last five years travelling with his two companions who tended to leave most of the working to him.
"Sure," he decided, "You can beam up the first specimen. Remember what the rules are?"
"Ummm," began Byron, "We have to get at least two samples"
"Four," interrupted Nelson.
"Four samples," continued Byron looking quickly at Nelson, "from different parts of the planet."
"Yes…" encouraged Heron, "What else?"
"Ah, we then have to test them for basic stuff," Byron answered, starting to slow down and looking hopefully at Nelson who grinned.
"Like the standard automatic IQ test and general knowledge and aptitude quizzes," Nelson finished.
Heron looked at Nelson. "How do you know this? I never saw you reading the manual."
"Oh, I was bored once and read it all through." Nelson replied easily with a lazy smile.
"Then why didn't you help with any of the mission?" Heron asked.
"I am helping. I'm your moral support and emergency backup," Nelson said proudly, "See, I'm assisting Byron do his first collection."
Heron gave Nelson a good stare which had completely no effect and turned to Byron.
"OK, Byron. You can collect the first Specimen."
"Yee ha!" yelled Byron fist pumping all four fists in random succession. He went to the controls and looked dubiously at all the buttons arrayed in front of him.
"I'll stand over in the corner here and be ready to engage the specimen," Heron said as he pulled out the Universal Translator from one of the many drawers arrayed around the ship. The Universal Translator was about the size of a small chocolate bar with a red button on the top which when pushed would attach to any living matter. It was designed to be placed anywhere on the specimen's body so a link could be made. Once linked to the cerebral cortex the specimen would be able to communicate through the device to anyone within range. It was powered by the energy generated by a living person and could last for a long time.
Heron moved to the corner near the circular transmission pad. It had four smaller circles inside connected and overlaid by many lines and dots. When charged, the Transmission pad was able to dematerialise a being on the planet's surface directly below the pad. Basically the centre of the planet, the creature being transmitted and the Transmission pad had to roughly line up for the process to work. When done properly, the creature would re-materialise on the Transmission pad. The process for transmitting random beings on the surface was relatively tricky which is why most people wishing to be transmitted (colloquially known as "beamed up") would wear a special Transmission Bracelet which strengthened the connection and allowed for a bit more latitude on getting the line between the planet's centre and the ship correct. Also, anyone connected to the person being "beamed up" using a "TM Bracelet" would also get transmitted.
While Heron was getting ready, Byron was starting to get nervous. By "reading" the manual he really meant he had looked at the pictures and watched the instructional video until he got bored - which was about five minutes after the start, which included the initial two minutes of flashy opening credits. Nelson stepped closer and looked over Byron's shoulder.
"That button there," he whispered, pointing at a promising looking red square panel.
Byron pressed that button with an assumed confidence and the computerised video screen started to resolve into something interesting. Byron squinted at the picture and pressed the button harder. The picture on the screen seemed to be zooming in to the surface.
"Huh," grunted Byron as he realised what was happening and then quickly straightening announced, "I am zooming in to the planet's surface, Heron."
"Good. Tell me when you have found a suitable specimen," Heron replied patiently.
Byron grinned as he seemed to be doing so well.
"What makes a specimen suitable Byron?" asked Heron casually.
Byron's grin froze on his face and fell away into his normal confused stare.
"Ummm," he began hopefully.
"It should be one of the people on the transmissions, as they are obviously the ones who have the best chance of being intelligent," Nelson whispered close to one of Byron's ears.
"Yeah!" said Byron loudly, "Get one the guys on the videos. They looked pretty intelligent."
"Close enough," muttered Nelson.
Byron shuddered slightly as he remembered, "They were pretty ugly. Only two legs and arms and various shades of brown from almost white to almost black. Wouldn't they get bored with no variety in colour? No wonder some of the older transmissions were in black and white!"
"If you say so," said Heron impatiently, "What have you found?"
"There's a green field with lots of beings on it," said Byron as he saw some wide meadows with lots of four legged beings with white skin and black spots, apparently grazing. Byron squinted and zoomed closer.
"Are these the things we saw?" whispered Bryon to Nelson.
"Not quite. How many legs did the things you saw on the videos have?"
Byron closed his eyes in concentration, and then opened them and looked at the screen, "Didn't they have two legs and two arms? Could these be the same?"
"The ones we saw seemed to have clothes and walked upright. These look more like herd animals," whispered back Nelson.
"I suppose," muttered Byron, not fully convinced. Then he stopped and looked closer. "Look, is that one?"
Byron had seen another being that looked much closer to the things he saw on the video. This being was walking upright and seemed to be wearing clothing. Then he sat down next to one of the animals on a stool he had been carrying and put his head next to the side of the animal.
"What's he doing?" asked Byron.
"Perhaps he is communicating with the animal in some sort of symbiotic ritual? I don't know. Give him a go," Nelson suggested.
"Heron, I've found one of the beings we saw on the video. You ready?" Byron announced.
Surprised by such quick results, Heron looked up and got his box ready. "Sure, beam it up!"
Byron grinned and then looked at the still confusing array of buttons.
Grinning, Nelson pointed at some blue buttons arrayed in a diamond formation, "Use those to zoom in. Once the being is highlighted, press the middle blue button. There is an auto focus so it shouldn't be too hard."
"Easy," said Byron ominously as he manipulated the buttons, moving the now displayed targeting square across the screen, "This square thingy is just like the game Space Munchers!"
Byron made zooming and shooting noises as he moved the square "thingy" jerkily and thumped the blue buttons with his less than dextrous fingers and the thingy got closer to the targeted being. As there were two beings in close contact the square kept jumping from one to the other.
"Are you sure you can do this?" asked Heron impatiently.
Byron looked over his shoulder with annoyance and said, "Of course I can! Here it comes!"
Byron's fingers slipped a little and the square flashed on the white and black creature as Byron punched the middle blue button. "Oops" he mouthed silently as he quickly turned around to look at the transmission pad.
A rather large four legged being suddenly appeared on the transmission pad.
Heron was cornered by the rear end of the being and the front end faced Byron and Nelson.
With a confused expression, the creature looked at the two blue aliens that suddenly appeared in front of her, opened her mouth letting the grass fall to the floor and loudly announced, "Moooo!"
"Aaaarggh!" shouted Byron and Nelson as they rushed to cover.
"Ooof!" said Heron as the animal's rear end tried to paste him into the corner as it tried to back away from these weird creatures in front of her.
Heron slammed the black box on to the nearest part of the animal he could reach and pressed the red button, pushing back as hard as he could.
The animal's expression changed as she cried, "Mooo… I say. What is happening?"
The animal stopped and closed her mouth. She stepped forward a pace in reaction to the pushing. She looked around and saw the one large blue alien scrunched up between the chair and under the control panel and another across the room as far as he could be from her.
"What is going on?" she said, wondering at all that was rushing through her mind.
"Greetings," she heard something say behind her, "We mean you no harm."
Heron was using the standard first contact protocols he had read in the manual.
"What is your name?" Heron asked.
"I am Cow," she replied, surprised that her voice was sounding quite odd.
"We need to ask you some questions," began Heron as Byron and Nelson looked carefully around the furniture, "but can you move a little forward?"
Cow moved another step out of the corner and Heron breathed a little easier.
Byron moved closer and leaned on the back of the control chair, looking into Cow's eyes. "Are you intelligent life?" he asked.
Cow looked at him with dull eyes, "I am hungry."
Heron was about to ask his first question when he heard an ominous rumbling from the insides of Cow. He then noticed where he was standing and tried pushing Cow further forward.
Byron leaned closer still until he heard and felt an ominous CREAK under his chair. The chair base cracked and Byron fell face first onto Cow and their heads butted.
With a huge sound of parting wind, Cow let out an enormous "Mooo" from one end and a worse sound from the other. Heron fell underneath a torrent of refuse, narrowly missing a flying hoof as Cow panicked. Byron slid down the front of Cow and held all his hands over his head as Cow began to rampage in the small confines of the spaceship. Nelson leaped to the controls and pressed the blue button.
Cow disappeared from the control room and reappeared back onto the pasture a little distance away, accounting for the ship's slight movement during the short time Cow was aboard.
Byron looked up with relief that the pandemonium above him had ceased. Nelson leaned against the control panel with two of his feet resting on the broken chair and started laughing.
Heron slowly stood up covered in lots of brown goo and glared at Nelson and Byron.
"I will return!" he announced waving one hand in the air as he went off to the cleansing rooms for a well earned break, trailing little globs of goo behind him.
Byron looked up at Nelson and rubbed his head.
"I only missed by a little bit," he complained.
***
Farmer Brian Simmons gathered himself together and looked around for his cow that had just disappeared. Moments ago he had placed his stool just right, ensured the cow was happily munching away on her grass, leaned his head against her side and was about to start milking when suddenly she wasn't there. And he fell down head first. He stood up and scratched his head, moving his hat backwards. "What the hell?" he asked the rest of the herd which acted as if nothing had happened at all. What had his lunatic conspiracy nut brother told him on the phone yesterday?
"Cow abductions are up," John had said, "and you know what that means."
"That you're an idiot?" suggested Brian, but his brother just laughed.
"Nope," he said, "It means the government is experimenting again. You watch out with all those cows of yours."
"No worries," Brian had said as he had cut the connection.
Yet here he now was with a cow missing.
A few moments later he heard a familiar, yet different, voice calling him from the other side of the herd.
"Farmer! Farmer!" the voice called.
He moved through his herd of cows and at the edge was the cow that had disappeared.
"Now where did you go, Cow?" Brian asked, talking as he always did to his cows.
"I don't know?" replied Cow.
"Farmer? Hello?" Cow said over Brian as the farmer was lying on the ground, having fainted for some reason.