Saint, You're So Vulgar! – Chapter 3
Asher wanted nothing more than to clap his hands over his ears. How could every single word be so utterly disorienting?
But he couldn't just escape that easily.
No matter how you sliced it, he'd gone to bed one night and woken up in a completely different body.
And the person whose body he'd swapped into just happened to be his new charge, the one he was supposed to serve starting today.
Asher forced his voice into a stern tone.
Unfortunately, coming through Versia's soft, melodic vocal cords, it lost all its intended gravitas.
"Come on! Saintess, enough of that nonsense. We need to have a serious discussion!"
"Right, countermeasures. Sure..."
"Do you have any idea what might have caused this?"
Versia shrugged her shoulders.
It was an innocent gesture.
Asher's face fell.
'Does this mean it's really my fault?'
He hadn't expected his prayer to manifest like this, but if he had to pinpoint a cause by his own standards, it was that prayer from the day beforeand the response of [It shall be done.]
Truth be told, if he'd been just a little more shameless, he could've kept that fact hidden.
But Asher wasn't the type with skin thick enough for that.
Besides, they needed to share as much information as possible.
He figured honesty was the best policy right now.
A sigh escaped his lips.
With great careand swallowing his embarrassmenthe opened his mouth.
"Th-that is, I do have a hunch...!"
"Oh?"
"Yes, well...!"
He squeezed his eyes shut and stammered out the words.
It wasn't easy.
Of course it wasn't. He was confessing right to her face: 'I prayed that your dangers would reach me first. That we wouldn't be kept apart.'
Depending on the perspective, it was practically a love confession.
Not that it had any sexual connotation, of course. If she misunderstood, he'd clear it up somehow.
"...And that's how it happened! I'm so sorry!"
Once he'd spilled the whole story, Asher slowly opened his eyes.
And that's when he saw it.
"Wow."
"..."
"What a pure... pfft! Little girl."
"Saintess...!"
"No, no, it's a compliment. You're so innocent."
Versia was covering her mouth.
The corners of her lips curling up through the gaps in her fingers weren't a trick of the light.
For some reason, it irked him. He shot her a pouty glare, and Versia changed the subject.
Fortunately, she dropped the teasing.
"So that's how it happened. Hmm, a prayer..."
Her following words were almost a mumble.
"No way a prayer would get answered that straightforwardly. Well, we can look into that later..."
She propped her chin on one hand.
Her other drummed on the table.
Staring blankly into space with an expressionless face, she pondered for a long while before speaking.
"...Well, nothing obvious comes to mind right now. So, like you said, Knight, shall we figure out some countermeasures? What do we do now?"
"F-First, we hide it, obviously!"
Asher was quite enthusiastic.
He was thrilled that they were finally having a productive conversation.
His words rang out with confidence.
"I think we need to sort out our immediate surroundings first! Postpone any unnecessary schedules! For relationships we can't avoid, we should share information! And so...!"
"Yes, go on."
"Could you tell me the name of that woman with the short chestnut hair who came to wake me... er, you this morning? I don't know how to deal with her...!"
"Oh, that's Dalin. My attendant. With her..."
Versia readily shared a bunch of information.
Asher listened intently.
And at one point...
"Ah..."
Asher realized one key fact from her instructions.
'Is she drawing lines with everyone else...?'
Versia told him to be appropriately authoritative with Dalin and stick to businesslike orders.
For the cardinals who came during prayer time, respond with faint smiles instead of words.
And the other saintesses... There wasn't much on them, but ignore them outright or limit to minimal business talk.
She assured him it was fine, and the conviction in her words hinted at how she usually treated others.
She seemed a bit distant.
The Versia he knew was kind and compassionate to everyone.
Noticing his darkening expression, Versia asked.
"Disappointed?"
"N-No!"
Asher's head snapped up.
His eyes burned bright, pleading for her to see his sincerity.
But Versia's demeanor was a strange stillness.
It felt like he was being tested.
Asher spoke again.
"That's not it! Really! I just thought you might be lonely... Ah, sorry! That was rude!"
Asher flinched, clamping his mouth shut and bowing his head.
In that moment, a spark lit in Versia's eyes.
Asher didn't see it.
A brief silence.
Then Versia spoke.
"Hmm, lonely..."
"Sorry..."
"No, it was an interesting perspective. Anyway, my turn now? I want to hear what to watch out for."
Asher peeked his head up at her words.
His spirits were still deflated from the slip-up.
But thankfully, Versia didn't seem upset.
She was even smiling brightly, which finally put him at ease.
"Uh, yes..."
Asher calmed his nerves and thought about relevant matters.
There weren't many.
Except for one.
"...There's a fellow knight named Marvin."
"A friend?"
"To me, yes."
"Hmm, so be careful with conversations with him."
It was more of a headache than that.
Just the night before, that very friend had been badmouthing Versia.
Of course, looking back now, his comment about her maybe being 'two-faced' was spot on.
But setting that aside...
'He shouldn't badmouth the Saintess.'
Hearing insults about yourself indirectly versus directly made a world of difference.
Asher knew that well.
So he explained Marvin as tactfully as possible.
Framing him as someone emotional and overly worriedpackaging it positively. In the end, it boiled down to: he might trash-talk Saintess Versia to your face, so smile and deny it.
Versia nodded in understanding.
"Mm, sounds like a good friend."
She didn't seem too bothered by this either.
Around then, Asher felt moved.
'She really is as compassionate as they say...!'
She overlooked others' flaws so generously.
She'd done it with him just now, and apparently with Marvin too. She had a big heart.
'She's definitely not a bad person!'
His conviction solidified just as he thought their discussion on precautions was wrapping up.
"By the way. One more thing I'm curious about."
"Ah, yes! Tell me!"
"Your friend Marvin won't just talk about me the whole time. How should I respond to personal chit-chat?"
"Well..."
Just brush it off, right?
Not understanding the intent, he tilted his head.
Right after.
"See, I've heard some things too. This one's tricky for me."
Versia leaned forward.
Her expression grew more serious than at any point today.
Asher's face matched hers in gravity.
"Heard something...?"
Did Marvin spread bad rumors?
Or maybe she was afraid of men?
Thud!
The moment the thought hit, Asher felt like he'd been whacked in the back of the head.
That's right! Come to think of it, Versia had never had a bodyguard before!
This time too, Holy Knight Captain Sir Whale had only agreed after Asher's persistent begging!
'Fear of men! Yeah, that could be...!'
...was as far as his thoughts got.
He shouldn't have worried.
"Do men really shout 'I want to have sex!' at every opportunity? Should I ask who they want it with? Or..."
"No! They don't!!! "
Thud! Asher shot to his feet with a squeak.
Humiliation prickled his skin like goosebumps.
On top of that, betrayal that his worry had been pointless.
Versia blinked.
"Whoa, you scared me."
"Saintess! Are you really going to say that?"
"What's wrong? Suddenly."
"This... this is too much!"
"Too much how?"
Versia's head tilted.
Asher let out a disbelieving "Ha!"
Only then did he realize.
This woman's thought process was definitely broken.
Asher felt a burning sense of duty to fix her vulgar worldview somehow.
Damn right! If he didn't set her straight here, her crude speech would tank his reputation!
"Listen well, Saintess! You don't talk deeply with others, so maybe you haven't noticed, but sexual topics make people uncomfortable! It's embarrassing, that's what it is!"
Luckily...
This was her private garden, where no one could enter without her permission.
Asher launched into a full ten-minute tirade on why sexual talk was embarrassing.
And drove the point home.
"Vulgar speech is forbidden! Vulgar thoughts are forbidden! And no groping my crotch! It's shameful!!!"
"..."
Having vented, Asher panted heavily.
He crossed his arms, fixing her with a stern, dignified, serious glare.
She was still propping her chin.
No sign of intimidationin fact, she looked somewhat displeased.
Asher grew a little worried.
'Did I push too hard?'
Even if she needed correction, was this tone too aggressive toward his superior?
He wondered, but Versia wasn't playing by normal standards anyway.
"Is sex embarrassing for you, Knight?"
"?"
"Not something to be proud of?"
"What are you even... Of course it is!"
Did she even listen!?
Asher glared at her like she was spouting nonsense.
But her response was this.
"I see."
Asher flinched, his shoulders trembling.
He couldn't help it.
"You're embarrassed by it."
Her eyes... how to put it? They brimmed with pity, like she was looking at something pathetic and worthy of sympathy.
A chill ran down his spine.
Instinct screamed that something had gone horribly wrong.
For reasons he couldn't name, Asher moved to retract his words.
But unfortunately, Versia was faster.
"The natural order of man and woman, love and birth, designed by the Parent Godembarrassing. The eternal cycle of this world, forever turning beyond the fixed and unchangingembarrassing. And yet you claim faith..."
Crack
Asher froze.
His pupils shook like there was an earthquake.
His voice quivered as it emerged.
"...Pardon?"
He tried to rebut, but his mouth only flapped uselessly.
There was no gap in her logic.
His blood ran cold.
Versia hammered the nail in.
"Well, it happens. It can be embarrassing. Sure..."
The corner of Versia's mouth twisted upward.
"...Your faith is narrow-minded, Knight."
Stab!
A spike the size of a door slammed into Asher's chest.
Rejected by his idol, he blanched white and collapsed onto the spot.
Versia stood, patting his shoulder.
With a distinctly refreshed smile.
"Aww, the sun's already setting. Shall we call it here for today? Think on your faith again, and sleep well tonight. See you."
Asher stared at the empty spot where Versia had vanished for a long time.
Narrow-minded faith.
Those words dragged him into a mire of denial, anger, and just before bargaining... Right as he lay in bed before sleep, he finally thought of a comeback.
"...No, love and lust are different! Birth without love isn't beautiful! That's sophistry!!!"
Why do rebuttals always hit right before sleep?
Trembling with frustration, Asher needlessly punched his pillow.
And so the first day of the swap passed.