Garfield stretched out his right paw and declared confidently!
"Another Hand, Meow."
Ollivander halted mid-step. The enchanted measuring tape hovering nearby paused too, visibly bewildered.
It drifted in the air like a confused ghost, unsure where or how to begin measuring a cat.
Even Dumbledore seemed intrigued. For once, the old wizard seemed at a loss for words, unsure how to support this particular...
And deep within Garfield's soul, Pandora was howling with laughter.
"Hahahaha! This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed! A measuring tape is having an existential crisis! Hahaha!"
(o≧▽≦)
The live chat, Garfield's eternal peanut gallery lit up like Diagon Alley on Christmas.
"Ollivander… So… what now?"
"You're embarrassing me measuring tape!"
"Tape Measure, I'm spiraling, too."
"This is peak magical realism."
"Can't wait for this to be in Hogwarts' 'How NOT to Choose a Wand' pamphlet."
The awkward silence lingered until Dumbledore finally sighed, rubbing his temples like a weary father.
"Just… measure him like normal, I suppose."
"Fine." Ollivander grumbled, "But I'm not happy about it."
He pulled out a long, elegant wand box and opened it with practiced motion.
"Holly, eleven inches. Core: dragon heartstring. It symbolizes purification, strength, and chastity. Masculine energy… this should amplify your magic beautifully."
Garfield reached out a paw to touch the wand.
CRACK!
A bolt of lightning leapt from the wand and blasted Ollivander backward, leaving his hair in a scorched, frizzy afro.
"...Well, clearly not a match." Smoke curling from his ears. "Next."
"Oak, twelve inches. Snake nerve core. Symbolizes victory and raw strength—"
Garfield's claw brushed it and instantly, Dumbledore's pouch caught fire and disintegrated into ash.
"…" Dumbledore
"Still not it," Ollivander said with the patience of a man clinging to sanity by a wand tip.
"Next."
"Oak again. Eleven and a half inches. Dragon tendon this time."
One by one, Garfield tried wand after wand… over forty in total. The only consistent result was utter chaos.
Sparks flew, shelves collapsed, books flared up, and the once-pristine wand shop began to resemble a battlefield.
Finally, with soot on his robes and frustration in his eyes, Ollivander wiped his brow.
"The Ollivander family has never failed to find a match. I refuse to let that record break. Guest, wait here."
"I'm checking the antique collection." He vanished into the backroom like a man on a mission.
Moments later, there was a series of loud crashes, followed by the unmistakable sound of things toppling and Ollivander yelping in pain.
"Ollivander, are you alright?" Dumbledore called, leaning toward the doorway.
"I'm fine! I've almost—OW—found it! Just give me a minute!"
His voice was slightly muffled… probably buried under a few enchanted cabinets.
Garfield turned to Dumbledore. "Albus, why don't you go help him? Meow."
Dumbledore exhaled, sending a ring of smoke swirling into the air.
"The Ollivanders are proud folk. Stubborn as trolls. If he says wait, we wait."
Garfield rolled his eyes. Bored, he flicked his attention back to the bullet screen, where the spectators were still going wild.
"Discerning customer. Must be a Leo."
"Just give him Tom Riddle's wand already!"
"Bro, are you high? That wand's locked up tighter than Azkaban."
"Exactly! Ollivander wouldn't ask Dumbledore for Fawkes' tail feather just to please a cat."
"Fake Potterhead detected."
"Beat the fake Potter fans! Iron Man forever! Wonder Woman is my waifu!"
"I want Garfield to meet Hermione and discuss life over tea."
"Found a lolicon. Grab your wands, brothers."
"Forget Hermione. Voldemort's still a literal tadpole right now."
"Someone please write a Grindelwald x Dumbledore fic."
"Streamer say something!"
"Women's clothing stream WHEN?"
Garfield squinted at the whirlwind of messages. "Of course they want me in a dress… degenerates."
But even as he scoffed, the 'Women's Clothing' comments piled higher. Some viewers even started offering money to see it.
"Maybe I should open a window for donations…" Garfield mused, tail swishing thoughtfully.
"Could fund my next meal plan with enough galleons left over to bribe the Sorting Hat."
Okay, lets do it.
"The streamer just dropped a top-up link!"
"No tips? Cancelled!"
"Throw him a reward already!"
"A single coin? Don't insult the wand, bro."
"One Euro? At least show Garfield some respect!"
"If you're starting at 100K, you're broke. One million or nothing!"
"Streamer, FBI here, we need a word."
"CIA reporting in. Let's be friends."
"KGB present. Vodka tonight?"
Garfield's tail twitched. The live chat was exploding.
Amused, he opened the control panel and typed a quick update on the room's bulletin board:
[Eyes front. Watch my performance.]
The message barely landed before the screen was bombarded again.
"Is the streamer missing pendants or just soul fragments?"
"Hubby, hug please~"
"Wait… are you Orange Cat??"
"I accept interspecies love."
"I volunteer to bear your kittens!"
bang! bang!
Just then, Ollivander emerged from the back of the shop, looking like he'd lost a duel with a broom closet.
Covered in dust, a cobweb in his hair, he held a simple yet mysterious wooden box.
"For our choosy guest!" Voice a little hoarse.
"This might finally be the one."
The box was etched with faded golden lines and ancient carvings, unrecognizable even to Garfield.
With a wave of his wand and some muttering, Ollivander opened the lid. Slowly, a wand floated out, humming with dormant energy.
It was beautiful… dark golden wood streaked with swirling patterns, mysterious symbols and cloud motifs dancing along the surface.
"This wand was made with a rare material my family acquired from a Chinese merchant in Byzantium." Ollivander explained.
"They called it 'Jinshen'. It's been untouched for centuries… waiting for someone worthy."
"From the year 1000?" Garfield blinked.
The cat leaned in to sniff it.
Immediately, his mind was flooded with a vision: a grand Tang palace rose from mist, golden pillars carved with dragons and phoenixes stretching to the heavens.
In the main hall, an emperor sat enthroned as courtiers bowed low. Above them all, a single bold character…
The wand pulsed in his paw. The gold-etched spells flared, then coiled into the shape of a shimmering golden dragon.
It circled Garfield thrice before transforming into a glowing wooden ring that gently slipped onto his other paw.
"Yo." Garfield muttered. "Now I've got dual gear? Left hand ring, right hand wand… Who's stopping me now?"
With a mischievous gleam in his eye, he raised his wand and shouted!
"Flock of Birds!"
From his paw burst a flurry of tiny house sparrows. They swirled through the shop like a spring storm, chirping merrily before vanishing like mist.
Clap, clap, clap!
Ollivander and Dumbledore broke into applause.
"Excellent control!"
"Elegant casting!"
Ollivander beamed.
"You're a wizard of refined skill, my friend. I hope… I hope you can one day return to your true form."
Dumbledore stepped closer. "How much for the wand, old friend?"
Ollivander raised a single finger.
Dumbledore reached into his robes and offered a single golden Galleon.
Ollivander shook his head solemnly.
꧁𓊈𒆜༺⚜༻𒆜𓊉꧂
Phantom your way through a treasure trove of chapters waiting on P@treon!
PhantomDream