The woman's eyebrows crashed together and she said, "What? Killed your own what?" She searched his eyes and he could feel her pulling away from him.
It had been sweet while it lasted. He loved her. He wanted her to love him back, even with this and despite what he was. A part of him thought that absolution from her could take the place of the absolution he really wanted. Forgiveness from the only person who could give it to him was impossible. That was the problem with murdering someone you cared about.
He met her terrified gaze unflinchingly. "My…what you call 'boyfriend,' though I thought of him differently. The principle is the same. I killed my own boyfriend. After ruining his life. After treating him like trash. After saying hateful shit. After breaking his heart."
Vegeta's whole body shook saying it out loud. His eyes burned and he let the tears stream out of him as he waited for her to slap him or curse him or simply to leave. He swallowed and and took a shivering breath. The woman said nothing. She stared and said, "Well? Tell me what happened."
"What?" Vegeta said, more startled by her words than he had been by her allowing him to fuck her.
"Explain. You obviously regret what you did. Tell me. Tell me what exactly you did," she said and she took his hand. She led him out of the bathroom. She climbed into his bed. Vegeta gaped. He didn't understand. She crawled under the covers and tugged on him uselessly, of course, but he took her meaning and followed. She fluffed one of his pillows and curled her arm up underneath the pillow and laid on her side, facing him.
Vegeta settled next to her, so close, so intimate. Vegeta trembled. This wasn't how he had expected this to go. He choked down another sob of confusion. Vegeta prepared mentally for her disdain or fear or flight, but this, her wanting details, was harder. Scarier. Vegeta shook his head and buried his face in his pillow.
The woman's calloused hand touched his face and pushed him to look at her. She said, "You don't get to decide how I judge you. Or whether I do at all. But I can't do anything when you give me a vague description of something that clearly broke your heart. So fucking tell me what happened so I can stop dissecting you. If you want me to stop prying you open, let's see the fetid sore, bad man."
His eyebrows crumpled up and he sobbed more. It seemed worse somehow that the only person who had seen him sob more than this woman was the person he'd killed. He covered his face with his hands and brought his knees up to curl into a little ball. He hated himself so much. He didn't deserve the woman's kindness or even her curiosity.
Her lips pressed against his forehead above his hands. She pulled herself around his body. She smelled wonderful. So fuckable. But he knew he wouldn't get away with fucking her a third time to distract her. The woman was fucking relentless in her inquisitiveness. She murmured, "Come on, Vegeta, just get it out. It's like puking, you'll feel better afterwards."
"Saiyans don't puke! Our stomachs are incinerators, essentially, all is destroyed the minute it gets in there. I don't want to, it seems awful."
"Stop trying to distract me with intriguing biological features," she said and peeled his hands away. "Out with it."
Vegeta's eyes flitted back and forth between hers. He didn't know how to interpret this look either. He said, his voice weak and choked, "I…we…" Vegeta paused and took a deep breath, "It should never have happened, and that was part of the problem. Part of what made me such a shit. Not that I'm excusing myself. We…for a long time it was just fucking, you know, when there was no one else for us to fuck. Just convenience. We were together all the time, so it was easy and we…we…we enjoyed each other, but we knew…we knew it was foolish to think that…that either of us could have anything else. He could have. He deserved better. But I was an imbecile. An asshole of the highest order. Then…It was all my fault! And I was drunk, so every time I get drunk, it's all I can think about!" Vegeta's throat closed as he bawled. The woman wrapped tightly around him, shushing him, but she let him cry.
Eventually she pulled back and said, "Hey, hey, okay. Look, none of that really made any sense to me. I think you're gonna have to start at the beginning and actually tell me using your words. I don't want a novel book-jacket with no spoilers. You always assume I know more than I do. Start at the beginning. Who was it?"
"We grew up together, so we…he was the closest thing I had to a friend. We did everything together and when we matured…we experimented. For him, I think he would have left it at that. I fucked others, of course. I fucked my way around the universe. He did too. We just…we fucked each other too. The older we got though, the more…the more I realized…Oh fuck. I'm so ashamed, woman, you have no idea—"
"Because you won't just tell me," she said.
"I realized I was in love with him. I didn't even know I had that capability. And the first time I got drunk, I…I told him. I told him and he confessed feeling similarly—can you even imagine a person loving someone like me? I didn't believe it, but he convinced me and for the first time in my life I cried with someone. We held each other and we cried for what we were. For our lost people. Our lost home. Our lost freedom. What we could never have. So after that, I…we…we were together, I believe he was what you Earthlings would call my boyfriend. But he was beneath me in class. I wasn't supposed to be with a third-class so sometimes I…struggled…with my feelings."
The woman giggled and interrupted, "I think you might always struggle with your feelings, Vegeta."
Vegeta snorted and tried to smirk. He continued, "He would have been executed on Vegeta-sei if he'd so much as given me a hand-job. But I loved him. And Vegeta-sei is gone. Saiyans are gone. We…we had a few good years of loving one another as we rampaged. But Frieza…Frieza never wanted me to be happy. Increasingly, my love and I were split on missions. We hardly saw each other anymore. Then…then that lizard found out about it. Frieza insinuated that he would…would…would take what was mine. The only person I'd ever loved. So I convinced my love and Nappa to mutiny. To flee. I asked my love to risk his life and spend it on the lam rather than let that slimy Ice-jin have him. It wouldn't have been the first time someone I fucked had to fuck Frieza as a way to punish me. Frieza fucked whoever Frieza wanted to fuck, but—"
The woman searched his eyes as she interrupted, "Wait, so…Raditz? You were with Raditz? And Frieza raped him?"
"Gods help you if Frieza had to make the effort to rape you. If Frieza asked you to fuck him, you did it or you died," Vegeta said with a shrug.
"Holy shit, that's awful. Did…did he make you do that?" The woman's eyes were enormous and glistening in the dim light.
"Of course. What better way to humiliate me?" Vegeta said, unclear why the woman was hung up on the nonsense with Frieza. It was irrelevant. Just a part of existence in the Frieza Force.
"Fucking hell, Vegeta. I'm so sorry," the woman said, her hand covering her mouth.
"What? Why? I haven't even told you what happened."
"Okay, so we're just going to gloss over the fact that your overlord forced you to have sex with him?" the woman said, her eyes searching and confused.
"That is kind of the main thing about being a slave. There's a lot of forcing of things. I was luckier than some. He didn't get a taste for me. Only used it to keep me in line if I got…rebellious." Vegeta shuddered at the disgusting memories.
The woman's eyes filled with tears. Vegeta had calmed some, and his tears had the same sobering effect they'd had earlier. Maybe he really did weep ethanol. He supposed she was disgusted with him. He was disgusted with himself, so it was reasonable. "I'm sorry. I'm repulsive, but I've been a coward as long as I can remember. I knew I wasn't strong enough to fight Frieza then, so nothing to do but take it. But Frieza had never taken notice of Raditz until…until he realized. Until he knew what Raditz was to me. He split us originally because he assumed we were conspiring against him, which was true."
"Fucking gods, Vegeta, I'm…wow…Okay…so you guys fled?" the woman asked.
"Yes, fortunately Frieza chose to taunt me a fair amount before taking Raditz. So I arranged things. Raditz discovered Kakarot's existence and hoped with his help we could break Frieza's yoke so we wouldn't have to live our whole lives in hiding," Vegeta said. Vegeta could still picture Raditz's face the first time he'd told Vegeta that he'd discovered the coordinates of the planet where his powerful younger brother had been sent. Vegeta couldn't remember what system they'd been in, but he remembered the beautiful golden light that the atmosphere there created, the way it shone on Raditz's skin. It had been cold, so Vegeta joked about making a nest in Raditz's hair. And Raditz teased him about being the perfect size to hide in his hair.
Vegeta sobbed. He didn't want to remember anything nice. He didn't deserve to have happy memories. Raditz should have taken them straight to the other world with himself. Vegeta had no right to them. Vegeta's mind filled with memories of their tails playing; twisting together while they made love; the way Raditz's would flick happily after they'd been apart and were reunited. The way it slinked up Vegeta's back their first time fucking after Vegeta confessed his love.
The woman curled around him again and kissed his shoulder and his cheek and his temple. She whispered, "You poor thing. I can't imagine how hard your life must have been. Trying to love Raditz under conditions like that must've been challenging."
He shook his head into her breasts as she snuggled against him. "No, no, Raditz was easy to love. It was wonderful. It was the only thing that made my life worth living. I hate myself so much. We lived in hiding and made a plan to get to Earth. Our planning was all done on a planet outside Frieza's hold. We decided to get drunk before we made our last gambit. Even if Kakarot hadn't been a completely selfish prick, we knew our chance of success was slim, but we'd heard too much chatter on our scouters about the effort Frieza was putting into catching us, so we knew we had to make our move. There would be no mercy, even if we returned to Frieza with our tails between our legs."
"So what happened? Why did you kill Raditz? And how did he wind up on Earth if you killed him? Did you go to Namek first and resurrect him?" The woman forced his face out of hiding and he could feel her eyes inside his mind like fingers pulling open a resistant fist.
He shook his head, confused that she still didn't understand what he'd done. He said, "No, Nappa, Raditz, and I got drunk. We splurged and stayed at an inn the night before we planned to leave for Earth. Raditz and I went at it as only Saiyans can, but I was very drunk. I was…terrified. I suspected that Kakarot would be more powerful than me. But I was also so scared of what would happen if Frieza caught up with us. I…well…you know how I am. I lashed out after we fucked. I also…I feared losing Raditz so much that I wanted…I wanted to believe it wasn't anything special. So when he said he loved me, as he always did when we coupled, I…I said…I said that he was nothing to me. That he was third-class trash. Nothing more than an easy fuck. That he meant nothing to me. That I would have no use for him once we were free. Once I was king again. Ruler of the universe in Frieza's stead. Raditz said he supposed then I could just order him to fuck me, like Frieza, so things would just be the same except that he no longer had to pretend I had a soul or knew how to love. That I was a husk, not worthy to be called a Saiyan. That I had liked fucking Frieza."
"Oh jeez, Vegeta, you Saiyans even know how to fight psychologically," the woman said. Vegeta couldn't help the little bark of mirthless laughter that escaped him.
"Too true, woman. That…that pushed me over the edge. So I told him that as my subject, I ordered him to go to Earth alone. To collect Kakarot while Nappa and I made ready our plans to move on Frieza. I said that it was beneath me to retrieve a third-class outcast and that only an imbecile could fuck up such a candy mission," Vegeta said and his voice cracked as his throat tightened ominously again. He took a few shaky breaths. "He left and the last thing I said to him was that I loathed fucking him. Regretted tail-twining with him. That I'd never loved him, that I only used him as a tool. I…Sometimes I'm an honest drunk, but sometimes, when I'm scared…my vicious nature shows me for what I am. A coward. A spineless, worthless monster."
The woman looked befuddled. She said, "But…then…did you kill him?"
Vegeta was perplexed that she didn't understand that his order had signed Raditz's death warrant. "Well, that…that was me killing him. He left for Earth on his own. You know the rest. Kakarot killed his own brother with Piccolo's assistance. I failed to even take vengeance. And…and…and I didn't…when I heard shit going badly over our scouters…I…I wanted to apologize, I could have apologized then and told him how I really felt, but my fucking pride. I…I tried to tell myself that I spoke truth to him at the inn. That I didn't love him. I've waited years to stop loathing myself for sending him to his doom. For not telling him the truth in his final moments, his final moments that never had to be if not for my cowardice. If the three of us had come together as we planned, none of it would have happened. I should never have said any of the things I said to him. But I'm a sniveling, weakling coward. I never deserved him. He certainly didn't deserve me and what I did to him."
The woman said, "Vegeta…fucking hell. You didn't kill him. You had an unfortunately timed outburst, admittedly a really shitty one, but he happened to die before you could try to reconcile. That doesn't mean you killed him. I'm so sorry. You poor thing. No wonder you hate Goku." The woman clutched his face and stared into his eyes.
Vegeta pushed up to look down at her, to see her more clearly. "What? You're a fool. You don't understand. He didn't have to die and because of my own…pathetic…pointless…cowardly bullshit…I sentenced him to death. I might not have kicked the stool out from under him, but I sent him to the gallows."
Vegeta scooted away from her. He didn't understand what she wanted from him or why she was still there. Still in his bed. She sat up and climbed astride his lap. Vegeta's eyes went wide and he leaned away from her. "What…what are you doing?"
"I was going to kiss you, but you leaned away," the woman said, caressing his cheek with one hand and trailing her other down his arm.
"Did you misunderstand me? After years of love and companionship, I blithely sent my love, my only love, to his death during a drunken tantrum! What is fucking wrong with you? Why are you still here?"
The woman rolled her eyes. "You are such a moron sometimes, Vegeta. The shit you get hung up on and the shit you just steamroll is weird. It seems like you have all kinds of baggage that you're dragging around tied to your neck. It's completely understandable that you're upset and broken-hearted about what happened with Raditz, but you didn't kill him. So look at me. Nothing is wrong with me. I want you to fuck me again, because I honestly didn't know until tonight that I've never had good sex until you. And you haven't had sex in years, so I assume you wouldn't mind another round."
Vegeta held her lush ass in his hands and stammered, "But…you…wh…I…Why…why did you even want me to tell you if…if…if not to judge me?"
"Oh, I judge you. I judge you as entirely too hard on yourself. I do think you should drink less. You're terrible at it. But, come on, you really can't see that you fucked up, but you certainly didn't murder Raditz? Good gods, Vegeta. Give yourself a chance to be a good person. Don't be a miserable shit for the rest of your life because you were a miserable shit for one drunken night."
Vegeta stared into her eyes. He didn't see any loathing or hatred or disgust. He saw only…kindness. Concern. Lust. Vegeta, to his horror, felt his lips trembling and his eyes filled yet again. Good gods, the woman could tolerate his cowardice and soullessness, but he would drive her away with all his snotty sniveling. She surprised him again though—she was an expert at surprising Vegeta—and wrapped him tightly in her arms. She clutched his head, pushed his face into her neck.
"You poor, broken, idiot. Let it out. Grieve for him. But remember that it sounds like you made his life better for a lot of years too. Let it out, but stop blaming yourself. Let it out," she murmured against his ear.
"You're always calling me an idiot and an asshole, but you're the one who keeps…keeps…keeps being near me. If that's not idiocy, I don't know what is, and you're a fucking genius, you ought to know better," Vegeta blubbered.
The woman held his face again and moved him so their foreheads were pressed together. "You clearly need someone with a higher intellect to look at your dumb bullshit and clear it up for you, to teach you about forgiveness," she whispered and gave him a half-smile, "I'm really sorry you lost him. I'm sorry that you lost him when you were on the outs. That seems awful. But everything about your life before Namek seems like it might've been pretty shitty."
Vegeta choked out, "He wasn't. I loved him, Bulma. I didn't know I could love, until I fell for him. And…and look what I did to him anyway." More tears broke free and he shook as he tried to take a deep breath. "I don't want to do that to you."
"Well, good fucking luck getting me to take any of your dumb orders, mister. You're not my fucking prince, so I don't give a shit what you tell me to do. And if you're a dick to me, I'm going to tell you that you're being a dick to me," she said, still holding his face. Her thumbs brushed away his tears. "Besides, I know you're a big softy under all your angry bluster. And I know you don't make the same mistake twice. Except maybe the drinking. Jeez, Vegeta, you still haven't learned you're a lightweight."
"Well, like I told you in the GR, you're a terrible teacher," Vegeta said, managing to smirk instead of bawling more. When the woman leaned in to kiss him, smiling and laughing, he didn't dodge away. They kissed more deeply and he murmured against her lips, "And a fucking fool as well."
"That makes two of us, then, Vegeta," she whispered and wound her arms tighter around him. "I forgive you. Forgive yourself."
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