January 4th 1999; Gloucester, England.
It was my 19th birthday today, but it was the day I wanted to be my last. People wished me well, gave gifts and I even had chocolate cake with raisins. These people were pouring love and care into a broken vessel, a vessel incapable of containing anything anymore. My parents had given me so much love and care as I was the only child. Even though I always got into trouble, they always treated me well; everyone in my school liked me or at least somewhat tolerated my existence but I never once loved them back.
I first noticed when my dad was sick when I was 10, my mother was panicking, but I did not feel anything. It wasn't calmness nor a sense of peace that he would be healed; it was nothing, as barren as a desert. My father survived the scare and yet, I still felt nothing, no sense of relief whatsoever. I thought it was normal and brushed it aside. Then came puberty in all it's glory; the blood, cramps and mood shifts. During that time, I loathed being a girl and seeing all the boys trot on without a care in the world except girls I suppose.
"Marisse Vaansen, will you be my girlfriend?" my first ever proposal came from a ginger haired kid who was my partner in a few history assignments. He was a good kid from what I saw and he was very bright and a tad bit mischievous but unfortunately, I did not care for it.
"No" A very blunt reply and I left the boy with a dandelion in his hand saddened and shocked.
Again, nothing was felt, but I suppose this situation was socially acceptable to feel nothing for a boy whom you rejected.
I was 13 by that time, so my lack of love started to get to me. I wanted to tell my dad about it but I feared that he get hurt by the fact that his daughter feels nothing for me, so I kept it to myself for years and just kept sailing through life like a paper boat. But like a paper boat, its sail time is very low, and it sinks.
Sweet sixteen was a day I still loathe because it was the day I first saw her; the cause of my misery. A woman named Doliosen and she was very pale in complexion, had bright red hair, and dark brown eyes.
I had gone out with some friends to the mall for a birthday shopping spree, and we were at the last store on our list.
"H-happy birthday, Marisse!!" A timid voice screamed from behind me and my friends. We turned back to look at who screamed and saw a redheaded girl panting as if out of breath.
"S-sorry, I just wanted to give you a gift, but I couldn't get your attention any other way." The girl continued. My friends turned to me and wore confused looks on their faces, but I was just as confused as them.
"Well, thank you, err?" I struggled to remember her name.
"Doliosen, Doliosen Tsimakos." She caught on.
She then turned and went her way while I was left speechless. Why did she go out of her way to give me a gift?
I arrived home late in the evening with my hands full of bags. My parents weren't home yet so dinner was probably not happening. I'm not even hungry anyway, so I went up to my room and began unloading my bags of clothes and little accessories. Arranging all these would prove to be time tasking so I internally braced myself. An hour then flew by and I was almost done, all that was left was the gift from Doliosen and I was a bit hesitant to open it, after all I barely knew her, she could have played a prank on me or perhaps, it's even an empty box.
"Why am I stressing over a gift anyway." I muttered to myself. I sighed and once again braced myself for whatever gift this would be. I unwrapped the box, opened it and there lay inside a note and a photo.
The note read "Hope you like it." and the photo was a naked photo of her. Stunned could not even describe how I felt, I did not feel disgust nor attraction just a huge wave of confusion. More questions flooded my mind and I did not know who to tell without a huge deal being made out it. I took another look at the photo, she was not bad looking and she had a nice figure, pretty big boobs and from what I saw, a decent sized bottom. Suddenly I realized my train of thoughts were going somewhere they shouldn't, I shouldn't entertain thoughts like these anyway so I tore up the picture as well as the note. I resolved to confront her quietly about this on Monday.
"She does look gorgeous though." A voice in my head spoke. I didn't deny that statement but I know it would do me no good to dwell on it.
"Grr.." My stomach rumbled. Hopefully I can get some pastries from the cafe nearby with the money I have left.
Sunday came and went as it always did, the church service dull as ever and the preacher even duller. How my parents still attend, I couldn't understand it and I questioned them about it multiple times and they always laughed, but not denying the dullness of their Sunday routine. I suppose they liked it that way so I made an effort to accept the dullness as they did.
Monday, the day I intended to meet up with Doliosen had come but before that, a day full of chattering teachers and peers alike had to be traversed. It was unfortunately not that easy, the teachers seemed more irritable than usual today, and classes dragged on. It was as if everything was trying to prevent that after-school confrontation for some reason. I'd assume the God my parents always talked about that was responsible for this but why would he intervene? I brushed off that thought and sought to find Doliosen during lunch break instead. She proved surprisingly easy to find. I had this preconception that she wouldn't be well-known but I'm glad that I was wrong.
She was sitting in the courtyard eating what looked like pasta, and she looked so peaceful eating it that I stood still and watched her like a love-struck maiden watching the man she admires do anything.
"Marisse!!!" Someone yelled my name before I felt something hit my head and everything became black.
When I came to, I was on a bed; probably the school infirmary and my ears ringing loudly. This day has been a cluster of inconveniences and it is starting to tick me off, suddenly the door opened and Doliosen and my friends; Martha and Zoe came through. All three of them bore concerned looks on their faces but I did not understand why, I was okay after all.
"How are you feeling?" Zoe asked.
"I'm fine, not much pain felt." I replied and I saw the concerned looks on their faces vanish instantly.
"How did I even get here? What happened to me?" I asked. They all shared glances at each other before Doliosen replied.
"You just suddenly collapsed near the stairs of the courtyard." That didn't sound right, I was sure I was hit so I probed again.
"I was not hit by anything?" "No one screamed my name?" I was met with silence and puzzled expressions confirming my suspicion.
"Well, no matter then." I motioned to sit up on the bed and my eye caught a figure standing beside my friends, he wore white and had no face, a halo with 4 diadems hovered above his head; this figure then walked out of the room and no one seemed to notice him.
No one except Doliosen who had her eye on the figure as he walked out of the room, she seemed like she was sweating buckets.
"Erm, Marisse?" Zoe's voice brought me back to my senses. Seems like I will have to keep this from them.
"Yeah?" I replied
"Are you sure you're okay? You have been staring at nothing for the past 10 minutes." Zoe seemed worried, I shouldn't worry her with whatever these illusions are, so I lied.
"I'm alright, just daydreaming." Doliosen eyes were now fixed back on me, I needed to talk to her now more than ever.
"Well, me and Martha will head home now."
"Hope you feel better, Dolio please take care of her."
Zoe then waved and left the room, it was now me and Doliosen and it somehow felt frightening, as if every part of my body was trying to get away from her but something in me was intrigued as well and I wanted to know more.
"Dolio huh? Nice nickname you got there." I attempted to break the silence.
"Yeah, Zoe seems nice, Martha does not say much but her eyes say a lot, she's a sharp one." She replied.
"You are right about that, you are pretty sharp yourself; I'm sure you know we have a lot to talk about." I finally managed to begin my confrontation.
"Oh, you liked the picture that much?" She grinned as she said that and I did not like that one bit.
She then drew closer to me, so close that I could feel her breath on my face. I did not like how this made me feel but I liked that I could feel something from this, whatever this was.
"You know, that was the first time I ever gave someone a picture as personal as that." she continued on, nothing but a few millimeters separating us from each other. I should back away but I do not intend to.
"Why did you give me that photo?" I said still locked on her gaze and lips.
"To stir up something within you, that's all." She said that so effortlessly, I do not believe that this was her first time doing such a thing.
"It stirred up nothing, please do not do such a thing again to me." I finally backed away from her, she seemed surprised I did and so did I.
"Is that so? Well then, I will just have to be more practical then." Another grin on her face, this time it was more malicious.
Her fingers grabbed my breasts, I was surprised but I did not remove her hand, I should but I do not, I let her have her way while staring into her brown eyes.
"You look so empty, I can fill you up Marisse." She says while undoing the buttons of my uniform shirt.
"Fill me up then, you have to lock the door first though." I give in to her temptation and then for the next minutes, she gives me an experience I never thought of. I don't feel good though but rather a feeling that I have betrayed someone, a feeling that I have bitten on bait and now I can't escape. But do I want to escape and why do I feel this is wrong?
Perhaps that God my parents talk about is watching me right now with a look of disgust on his face, that is probably why I feel this way. I looked at Doliosen who was staring at me like a cat stares at its mouse toy. It felt eerie but I ignored that because this girl had stirred something within me and I wanted more of it.