"Oh, come on, Shikamaru, don't be like that," Haruto complained in a singsong voice. The Nara grumbled, but did not offer any meaningful resistance as his friend dragged him along. "What's the big deal?"
"You were carrying out a classified mission alone and you say it's not a big deal?" Shikamaru asked with amazement. The Nara boy had confronted his teammate about his unusual behavior after the preliminaries. However, instead of getting answers, his attempt at investigative work– —a first for the lazy genius—had only raised more questions. It also earned him a visit from Konoha's recent gossip fodder, the mysterious ANBU named Genji.
"Genji's pretty cool once you get to know him. He's actually our age, you know," Haruto offered nonchalantly. The casual remark caused Shikamaru to grind to a halt.
"You know him?" the shadow user asked with a hint of suspicion. The blond laughed sheepishly, scratching the back of his head with feigned embarrassment.
"Ah, I mean, well… sort of. It's top secret."
Shikamaru sighed. Well, if what his friend was doing was confidential, then he really couldn't complain too much about being kept in the dark. Orders were orders. Still, a part of the Nara boy was stupefied by the idea that out of all the rookies, it was Haruto who was being given special assignments. The blond was his friend, but this was Haruto! He had his moments, but in general, Haruto looked about as ready to perform covert operations as Orochimaru was ready to run a health clinic!
While not a perfect analogy, it did illustrate how shocked Shikamaru was at the revelation that his teammate was operating under the authority of an elite ANBU. But the more he thought about it, the more sense he saw in the idea. Considering how badly he had been blindsided, one could argue that by using Haruto, Genji had achieved a great tactical coup.
"Just as long as you aren't doing anything bad, Haruto." As a testament to his very impressive skills at subterfuge, the jinchuuriki didn't even bat an eye at his friend's remark.
"Aw, that's nice, Shika. Come on, I'll buy you lunch. Chouji's not around so I don't mind paying." The Nara boy chuckled. It was something of a joke within Team 10 that Chouji and Haruto must always pay for their own meals. Asuma had made the unfortunate mistake of offering to take his team out to dinner one time. Needless to say, the jounin had learned his lesson.
"Fine," Shikamaru agreed. He was no glutton like his teammates, but it wasn't like he was going to turn down a free meal. Plus, Haruto was also developing into a fine gourmand. The seafood tempura he had selected last time, courtesy of his friend's suggestion, had been heavenly. Chouji's family would have killed to have the recipe. It was a pity that his friend, Ino, was too myopic to partake in such pleasures.
"Ok, I know a shortcut to this really nice restaurant."
Halfway to their destination, the two young shinobi came upon a most curious figure. Ever conscious of his wellbeing, the Nara boy favored bypassing the man, but Haruto was less willing to leave the suspicious stranger be.
"Who are you?" the blond asked. The large man with a crown of shockingly white hair looked dismissively at the two kids before turning away.
"Be quiet, you little brats! Can't you see I'm busy?" A string of perverted giggles followed the stranger's declaration.
"What the hell are you doing?" Haruto asked with narrowed eyes. The older man frowned at having his attention broken once again.
"Sheesh, you two are still here? Here, take these and leave me alone. Consider them an investment for your future. Share them with your friends if you want." The two genin blinked as they each found a small orange book in their hands. Shikamaru immediately recognized the book and just barely suppressed a suffering groan. It was the same book that earned his father the beating of a lifetime, courtesy of the man's significant other. There was no way in hell that Shikamaru was going to let himself be caught with that thing. A veteran of numerous run-ins with all things troublesome and female, Nara quickly and effectively executed one of his many exit strategies.
"I just remembered that I need to do something, so I can't have lunch with you, Haruto. Here, why don't you take my gift as compensation?" Pushing his own orange book into his friend's hands, the Nara boy seemingly vanished into thin air. Curious and puzzled, Haruto looked at the small book, turned the page, read two lines, and promptly chucked it at the old man.
Shika, you damn coward! See if I make you chuunin now! Haruto thought furiously. Here he was, thinking only good things about his friend, and at the first sign of trouble, the lazy bastard turned traitor! And this wasn't the first time, either. The blond could still recall that unlikely lunch date with the girls of Team 7.
"Hey, what's the big idea? If you're gay, just tell me. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
"Huh? What!?" Haruto exclaimed in confusion.
"I said there's nothing wrong with being gay. What is it with young people and their inability to hear?" With that, the lecherous old man turned back to… his former activities. Haruto was absolutely seething at this point. Where did this old man get off on calling him a homosexual when he himself was acting like a pervert?
"Oh, and I wouldn't do that." A spike of killing intent caused Haruto's hands to stop just short of his kunai pouch. "I don't think you know who you are messing with."
Neither do you! Haruto's instinct screamed at him to prepare for a fight. The young ANBU would have joined battle had his eyes not flickered over the cover of the perverted orange book by chance.
"What the ... no way! You're—"
"That's right! I'm Jiraiya, the legendary author of the Icha Icha series, which has served the needs of young people across the elemental nations!" the white-haired man gloated, his pride quite evident.
Haruto blinked once and then again. His hands flashed through a series of hand seals that verified he wasn't caught in some sort of bizarre illusion.
I don't believe this. While the hidden genius didn't normally judge someone for deriving pleasure from their eccentricities—his own particular hobby being defacing the Hokage Monument and leading his pursuers in merry-go-round chases, after all
—a seriously perverted Jiraiya was too much to bear. This was the mentor of the legendary Yondaime Hokage? This was the most honored Toad Hermit and the greatest seal master of all the elemental nations? This was the man who exposited with such masterful clarity, depth and insight about the ninja arts? Surely, it could not be.
It seemed that whenever old man Sarutobi singled out his vivacious student for praise, he omitted the part about his student's peculiar habits. Haruto was so surprised by the entire encounter that he stood dumbly as the older ninja stuffed his pockets with additional orange books.
"Here, kid, I think you could really use these. Maybe they'll set you straight," Jiraiya stated with emphasis on the last word. The lecherous man then dismissed the youngster in order to continue his research.
Hey, wait a minute! It was only when he was well out of sight that Haruto's mind finally caught up with what happened. The youngster immediately blushed red with anger and embarrassment. That pervert so did not just make fun of him and question his sexual orientation. Such an affront deserved an appropriate response.
A devilish smile blossomed on his face.
"Oiroke no Jutsu."
A stacked, pigtailed, centerfold blonde popped into existence. Haruto eyed his creation critically, smiling faintly when she pouted adorably at him. The Haruka clone looked just slutty enough to reduce a man's brain to mush, but not enough to evoke the full jealous fury of females.
It was perfect.
"You know what to do."
"Yes, Haruto-sama," the clone chirped enthusiastically.
In short order, Haruto heard a loud squeal, a masculine cry of surprise and several louder feminine cries of outrage. The earth trembled, and he knew one foolish pervert was being beaten to within inches of his life. The young prankster smiled evilly as he walked away.
Haruto one, pervert hermit zero.