We all agreed on this and went our separate ways. After the train back with Randan I wandered home, my solitary life at home. Arriving at the door I entered, locked it, and took off my blazer and tie, rolling up my sleeves. I had intended to do something but I failed.
"Why..?" "Why...?" "Why....?"
"Why did I commit to this.. I can't exert myself like that??"
"I mean I do the club activities so maybe it's not so different.."
I gripped my head, my hair, I felt like I could tear it out. What am I doing? Why am I doing anything? What's the actual point? I'm
forsaken by my own family so why bother? I'm not going to inherit anything or be trusted with anything so why study? Why try but if not for others? I'm the best, but the worst.
"What's the point?"
I'll just get 100 on the History exam and whatever I get on the rest.
Maybe if I do that they won't think I have to study. Maybe then they'll leave me alone.
I never had the greatest home life. I was cast aside 3 years ago when my performances dropped, I moved out last year, now I live alone and I haven't been able to interact positively with my family in years. I seemingly decided to not care at some point, and that was my defence mechanism. My coping mechanism was something completely different though.
"I'm not doing it today.. I had cake today!"
"Why am I like this?" "Why can't I just be a good friend?" "Why do I betray them in my mind the second that they include me?" "This is why Randan is my only friend, he's the only one really understanding of me"
This was the truth, surely it was. Did he understand me? Do I actually have nobody in this world?
It stings, it's hot, a pinching feeling. Wet, but there's no water. One of many, a new addition.