"What do you want to hear, Max?" Her voice trembles. Not from fear, no — from anger held back.
The girl stands up and, without paying attention to me, begins to get dressed. I don't stop her, but I'm not going to end the conversation either.
"The truth. Just the truth, damn it…"
"I'm not going to explain anything to you. I behave the way I want. Have you forgotten who I am? You're starting to forget that I'm free. I don't belong to you," she says quickly, in short bursts, as if defending herself from an invisible enemy.
Each of her words is like a knife to the chest. Sharp, sharp, again. And suddenly I feel she just wants to escape the conversation. To talk me into silence. To run away.
"What are you trying to hide, Katrin?!" I burst out, almost shouting.
Rebel Girl turns sharply, and in her eyes blazes something I haven't seen for a long time — exhaustion, despair, and anger compressed into one explosion.
"You're really starting to piss me off!" she shouts, trembling all over. "Don't mess with me and my life! You're nobody, got it? NOBODY!"
Her voice, sharp as a knife blade, pierces me to the core. Those words seem to explode something inside. Everything I'm holding back flares up at once. Pain. Resentment. Fear. Humiliating meaninglessness. I don't feel my body. It's as if I'm flooding inside with boiling lava. I'm all smoke and fire.
I grab her hand abruptly, without thinking. I squeeze too hard — and shove her onto the bed. A moment. Silence. Frozen time. Her eyes… Oh God, that look. There's an abyss in them. Fear. Disappointment. Betrayal. Tears stream down her cheeks as if something is dying irreversibly.
I freeze. What have I just done? The world shrinks to a dull pain in my temples and an emptiness in my chest. Everything inside snaps. It's as if someone has thrown me out of my own body and left me to watch from the outside. I feel the blood drain from my face, the cold creep under my skin. I want to disappear. To turn back time. To erase that moment. To erase myself.
"Katrin…" I whisper, stepping forward, but she abruptly stretches her hands out in front of her, as if from a monster.
"Max!" she screams, sobbing and choking on her tears. "Go away! Don't touch me! You've already hurt me… No more…"
I stand there. For several seconds that drag like an eternity. Then I just… leave. Walking as if in a dream, not feeling the ground beneath my feet. The air around me is like water — dense, murky. The world blurs, as if someone has turned off all the colors and left only a gray fog.
What is that? Who am I now? What happens to us? I think we have perfect relations. I really believe it. Think she's just tired. That it will pass. That we can handle it. But it turns out — everything is fragile. Like ice underfoot in spring. One wrong step — and you fall through.
I am always afraid she will leave. That at some point her love will fade. That one day she will look me in the eyes and say:
"You're no longer needed."
And here… She almost says it. And I snap. I become what I swore I would never become.
Ten minutes later she comes out of the room. Already dressed. Her face… empty, tear-streaked. Shadows of pain under her eyes. She buttons her coat with mechanical precision, as if she just wants to leave and erase all of this.
"Where are you going?" My voice is choked, hoarse. As if I've swallowed glass.
Katrin turns. And I see that very expression in her eyes. A look filled with hatred. I know it. It's her look in the beginning — when I was just starting to fall in love with her, when she still pushed me away, looked at me like I was air. And now it's back. We return to the start. Only now it's much worse.
I stand like rooted to the spot. She is already about to leave, but something inside me screams hoarsely: "Tell her. Don't be silent. Bring her back not with fear, but with your heart."
I step forward, slowly, as if afraid to scare her away.
"I'm just… worried about you," I say softly, almost whispering. My voice trembles. It feels tight in my chest, like emotions are bursting from inside.
I step even closer, without aggression. Restrained. Careful. As if every gesture is asking for forgiveness. My palm, light, almost weightless, touches her hand.
"Please… Just listen. I didn't want… I was scared. Yes, really scared. You're more important than you think. And if I act like an idiot… maybe it's because I'm afraid of losing you."
Katrin is silent. But she doesn't leave. And in that silence I feel hope for the first time in a long time. She turns. The cold in her eyes burns hotter than any fire.
"I'll say it for the deaf. Don't mess with me. I can go wherever and to whoever I want. Even to Ivan."
And then… I completely lose it. The words "to Ivan" tear me apart like a grenade. Something inside seems to collapse. I step forward almost mechanically — instinctively. I grab her. Press her against the wall, as if trying to stop time. My hand slides to her neck — not roughly, no. Carefully. My fingers rest on her skin as if afraid to scare her away. As if in that touch I am asking: "Stay. Don't go. Can you hear me? Not to him…"
I am not choking her. I don't want to cause her a drop of pain. I just… want her to feel: she's my reality. The only thing still holding me on my feet. My heart pounds wildly in my throat, my breathing is uneven, the world shrinks to just her.
But the moment itself — is awful. I realize that in the same second.
"You're not going to him," I hiss. My voice breaks, sounds dull, as if coming from somewhere deep. It's foreign. Dark. As if it isn't me speaking but someone I've always feared inside myself.
"Should I call the police? I already have evidence!" Her voice trembles, but there is determination in it. And fear. I see it in her eyes — and freeze.
I step back. Suddenly. As if doused with icy water. My fingers loosen on their own. I take a step back. Then another. My heart crushes to pieces.
And she… she leaves. And I am left. With silence. With myself. With the emptiness that instantly engulfs me. And with terror — pure, searing — at the thought that I have probably lost her… for good.