*I sat under the stary sky, near the River as the waves made me feel calm...I pulled out my note pad to write few things to calm my messed up brain and my messed up feelings which I don't understand and just want to run away somewhere.*
~The Last Smile~
~I was on my couch with a smile,
Cause I was about to be free...finally!!
I was holding a small piece of blade in my right
hand,
And the copper-ish smell of blood was filled in the room as it was dripping from my left wrist.
I smiled cause now I will not disappoint anyone I smiled cause now the ache in my heart will go, I smiled cause now I don't feel anything...not the pain, not the happiness, not the sadness.I just feel the happiness of being free.
And now I say it,
I am finally free with a smile I longed for.~
*I wrote this as I felt a rustle in the grass so I turned around to check it...But Just as I expected in my mind...nothing was there*
*I don't remember when it all started but I have been hearing voices and seeing things for a few months and may be even A year now*
*I try to ignore it but it feels like it won't leave me away till the day I die*
*I finally went to take therapy and told my doctor that*
Me:- I don't know what I feel? I just I wanna be alone in a room for an hour and I scream at the top of my lungs that "I am perfect for me", "I don't need anyone!", "I can live happily!", "I am not a failure", "My parents loves me", "My mom does not consider me as her unwanted child", "My father does not think I am weak or useless or a failure to the family" and "I am not a background character in my own life" but I can't cause whenever I feel like I should say these things to myself but these words they fell hollow in my ears...All I crave is to Betray this Alluring thing called life...and Embrace the Dis-pleasing truth called death.*I said all of it as I looked at the paper in front of me imagining I am writing all these thoughts onto it to make it easy for me to say it to my therapist.
Therapist:- *Looked at me for a while...thinking...then said* Stop forcing affirmation for a minute...Instead say the truth as it is...Tell me where the most painful voice is coming from.
Me:- *I Paused and gulped a little to think then said* Right now I feel I should run away and go somewhere where I know no one not even myself...and if not running away...then I want someone to tell me I am loved...I am useful to them...they appreciate me too...But no one does it that why I hate myself...I loathe myself...I am so tired of pretending I am a happy soul with a pretty smile when in reality I am a no-body...*I sighed to swallow back my tears* And as for the most painful voice I hear...it is my mother thinking I should not have been born then treating me like I am her world...It is my father thinking I am nothing in front of my cousin sisters...those sisters who love me so much and adore me so much...I like to be alone and just write all day to feel all those emotion I have decided to bury deep down in me for good...I even try to prove I deserve to exist but then my own mind says that "What A lie I heard from you?...you damn human".
Therapist:- *He told me that* It is not a weakness...that is emotional claustrophobia. you feel like a prisoner in your own house...built from expectation, guilt, emotional contradiction and invisible comparisons...So this is what I want you to do...write a letter...no to me, not your parents, not to anyone except you...write it for a version of you who still believes she is lovable and wants to live tell her the exact same thing you wished for some one to tell you when you were...may be...6, 10, 14 or 17... don't polish it just make it raw.
Me:- *I looked at the floor as I asked him something else* You say that but tell me one more thing...why do I hear voices in my head and see things around me...they are always around me making me feel like they won't leave me until the very day I die...are they really going to be the end of me or am I finally insane?
Therapist:- *He just told me* It could be trauma, a dissociative state, a psychosis...may be all of them...but you are not doomed your brain is just screaming..."please pay attention. I can't hold it in anymore."...so tell me what voices are they? Are they telling you to hurt yourself? or others? are they making you panic or feel in danger? Tell me right now and don't miss anything cause it might create problem later.
Me:- *I started to fidget my fingers in fear* They tell me harm myself so I don't harm the people who caused me trouble...they make me feel like someone is seeing me and they will come and attack me anytime they want...Sometime in the night time when I try to sleep I feel like something bit my toe or may be someone caressed my head...sometimes when I close my eyes I feel like something is laying beside me something so creepy and horrible that I don't want to see...so I don't even open my eyes.
Therapist:- *Now he looked more concerned* Do not be alone if possible. If there's even one person you trust to be near you...even a cousin who loves you...stay with them tonight.
Keep lights on. Darkness feeds hallucinations.
Sleep with something grounding: a soft object, a cold spoon, a scented cloth. Something that connects your body to the real world.
Repeat this when it starts creeping in:
"This voice is not me. I do not belong to it. I am Lilly, and I am still here."
Say it out loud. Own your presence.
Me:- *I still looked at the floor as I nodded and the doctor handed me the few medicines for my health and I said* I will try it doctor. *I left*
*I went to the bus stop and waited their while looking at the kids at the nearby park*
*Those smiled at them thinking how peaceful they are then suddenly--*
The Voice:- Can you see them? How happy they look? Don't you think their happy faces are mocking your pathetic life?...like telling you...no one wants your dumb presence?
Me:- *My breath hitched as My smile started to fade and turned into something depressed as I started to scratch my own skin near the nail until it started to bleed cause those voices came again saying "You never a had good childhood like them", "You never got happy like them", "Look at their parents how caring they are!", "Your parents don't even know how much dead you are from the inside" My breathing got heavy as I closed my mind trying to shut the voices in my mind then I remembered my therapists words and said" This voice is not me. I do not belong to it. I am Lilly and I am still here. Alive *I repeated my words as if it was the only thing keeping me alive and I didn't stopped until the voices were gone for a while and when they stopped to make me Dizzy and they went away which I didn't knew for how long I opened my eyes and saw my hand bleeding badly from the scratches I made on myself, my hair looking like a mess from my frantic movements, my whole body trembling as everyone on the bus stop stared at me like they have just saw a ghost...the kids looked terrified thinking I was a mad women who will hurt them which I can never do*
*I stood up abruptly and ran away from there and to be away from those people who thought I was insane and I booked a cab to go home*
*The cab left me at my door scared that what if those voices will come back so I hesitantly opened the door and went to my room to sleep so I can escape those voices*
*I laid on my bed and closed my eyes in fear but when I heard nothing I felt at ease thinking I am free from the voices for a little more time so I let my body relax but then I felt a hand stroke my head softly as if it always belonged here by my side...My whole body went still but I didn't dare to say anything in fear pretending I am sleeping*
*Next morning I felt my eyes heavy cause I couldn't sleep at night and then wrote everything in my diary so I can show it to my therapist*
*Next week I went to my therapist again and showed him my diary of whole week and He looked even more shocked cause the episode got more frequent day by day so he gave me a heavy doses of medicine to control them and sent me home*
*I had hope this time that heavy Dose of medicine will help me cure for sure this time even though I still saw a shadow looking at me with a smile as if welcoming me in my house*
*I sat on the couch as the shadow sat with me stroking my hand as if trying to soothe me but I felt more terrified cause the other voice was saying "See only this thing gives you love, and no one, your parents fight over you cause raising you is expensive...they think they are just wasting their money on you and may be...they are right...they are wasting money cause look at you...you are a student who have completed college with history honors with a Bachler and master's degree but still couldn't do anything in her life and living on her parents money cause you are jobless here...your parents are so tired of you that they don't even live with you*
Me:- *I snapped* STOP!!!!! *I clutched my head* you are lying they... right? *The word "right" came out hollow out of my mouth as I opened my eyes and they shadow that stroked my head was not here beside me so I looked around and found it standing at balcony calling for me*
The Shadow:- Come here my love...let me hug you *It was the first time that shadow spoke to me not "The voice"* I know it hurts you to see your parents away from you...they left you but I won't and that is my promise to you my love *She made soft promises to me as I found her voice alluring as it attracted me to itself...I found myself walking towards it stepped slow but not hesitant, my steps grow more confident as I smiled for the first time in weeks and rushed to the shadow and hugged it but then--*
*I didn't felt any warmth or a hug I just felt the cold land beneath me as people gathered around me whispering things*
*Everyone said things like "Did she just jumped off her balcony?", "Did she attempted suicide?", "Were all the rumors true that she was insane?"*
*At that time my eyes searched for the shadow, the voice, the touch I used to See, hear and feel but I found none...and That's when I realize all these all these voices were not what my mind created but all these voices were the society that said words about me...I felt disappointed in me cause I never believed I was a good daughter to my parents but when these people took me to the hospital and laid me on the bed of the operation theater and I was laying there lifeless...That was the time when my soul saw my parents crying for me and it made me believe I was never unloved I just let the society came between my mother's love and my father's expectations*
*After seeing my parents cry for me and care for me my soul finally felt at ease and I found peace in the world that haunted me in my whole life*
*And at last My I don't hear those voice, I don't see the shadow and it never touched me anymore and I feel free from the never ending path of self destruction*