Forbidden Forest Clearing.
The atmosphere was tense but laced with a bizarre absurdity.
Ivan stood at the forefront, holding a sign that read: "Newton's First Law · Currently in Effect."
Centered on him, within a fifty-meter radius, all magical particles seemed to have been sucked dry. This was the "Absolute Anti-Magic Field" he had created by combining alchemy and scientific theory. Inside this circle, apart from the wand in Ivan's hand which acted as the "Admin Key," no one could cast even the simplest Lumos.
"Alright," Ivan clapped his hands like a physics teacher about to start an experiment. "Since it's a dark wizard infiltration, defeating magic with magic is too cliché. Today, let's have something civilized—Industrial Violence Aesthetics."
He turned to look at his "Wonder Team."
Firenze stood there, high-strength springs and pulley systems welded onto his four hooves by Ivan. Lead weights were stuck in his mane for balance, making him look like a rocket booster ready for launch.
"Student Firenze," Ivan pointed at the bewildered 'Lockhart' in the distance. "According to the formula I just gave you, with an initial velocity set at a 45-degree angle, how much explosive force is needed to send a 70kg object into Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewt nest?"
Firenze looked down at the calculator Ivan had just installed on his hoof, eyes shining with the light of wisdom.
"Based on the drag coefficient and gravitational acceleration... as long as my hind leg explosive force reaches three tons, I can let him experience what an 'Indescribable Parabola' feels like!"
"Excellent." Ivan nodded in satisfaction, then looked to the side.
Sirius (Big Black Dog form) was squatting in a mess of wires, holding two thick copper cables in his mouth, eyes fanatical.
"Big Black, your task is the most critical. Once Firenze kicks him flying, you are responsible for 'Secondary Acceleration' in mid-air—use your Animagus teeth to bite onto that high-voltage line and give him a 'Thunder King' style aerial paralysis. Can you do it?"
"Woof!" (Leave it to me! For the meat bone!)
Sirius spat out the copper wires excitedly, his drool soaking the insulation.
Further back, Hagrid was holding the Mechanical Husky, clutching a remote control Ivan gave him.
"Hagrid, press that red button to activate 'Chainsword Mode'. Remember, we want him alive. Don't slice him to bits; I still need him for experiments."
Opposite them, 'Lockhart' finally reacted.
He felt the magic inside him locked down, completely inaccessible.
"You... what do you want?!" 'Lockhart' backed away in terror, screaming while trying to look tough. "I am the Dark Lord's messenger! I know Crucio—"
"Bone!"
Ivan finished the sentence for him, then waved his hand coldly. "Do it! Don't give him a chance to chant. That's disrespectful to Newton!"
Boom!
Firenze moved.
He didn't charge straight in but lowered his body first, accumulating power in his modified hooves.
In that moment, the centaur's muscles looked exceptionally beautiful and powerful under the moonlight.
"FOR CALCULUS!!" Firenze roared.
BANG!!
The ground cracked instantly as Firenze shot out like a cannonball.
His speed was so fast it created a sonic boom, and the surrounding leaves were shredded by the airwave.
'Lockhart' only saw a blur before a hoof, magnified countless times, occupied his entire vision.
"NO—!!!"
THUD!!!
The impact was so loud it shook Hogwarts castle kilometers away.
In his office, Dumbledore's hand shook, dropping his lemon sherbet.
"Oh my," Dumbledore pushed up his glasses, looking toward the Forbidden Forest. "It seems someone is conducting a practical lesson on 'Conservation of Momentum'. Severus, care to bet? I bet the dark wizard lands in the Skrewt nest."
Snape wiped a glass expressionlessly. "I don't bet on losing games."
Back in the Forbidden Forest.
'Lockhart' was kicked into the high sky like a missile.
He traced a perfect, standard parabola in the air, even completing a three-and-a-half somersault, with a difficulty coefficient rivaling an Olympic diving champion.
"Now! Big Black!" Ivan shouted.
Sirius, who had been waiting at the predicted landing point, leaped up.
In mid-air, he accurately bit onto the two high-voltage lines Ivan had set up.
ZZRRTT!!
Blue electric arcs exploded instantly, weaving an electric net in the air.
The falling 'Lockhart' plunged headfirst into the net.
"AHHHH! MY HAIR!!"
'Lockhart' screamed like a butchered pig, convulsing all over, covered in electric sparks as he fell even faster.
On the ground, Hagrid squeezed his eyes shut and slammed the red button.
The Mechanical Husky's back split open, and two mechanical arms swung upward like a volleyball spike.
"SMASH!"
The mid-air 'Lockhart' was intercepted perfectly by the mechanical arms like a volleyball and smashed heavily toward the ground.
Squelch.
'Lockhart' landed in a spread-eagle shape, perfectly embedding himself into Hagrid's stinking Blast-Ended Skrewt nest.
Only his legs were still twitching outside, his shoes smoking.
Dead silence.
Firenze held his kicking pose, staring blankly.
Sirius still had the wires in his mouth, his dog face written with "Who am I? Where am I?"
Hagrid's jaw dropped, and the remote fell from his hand.
"Perfect."
Ivan checked the stopwatch in his hand. "Flight time 3.42 seconds, acceleration 9.8 m/s², error within 0.01. Firenze, your talent for mathematics is wasted in a horse's body."
Firenze, moved to tears, knelt before Ivan with a thud.
"Master! Please accept my knees! No, my hooves! I want to learn physics from you! I want to use calculus to calculate the optimal ratio for grass feed!"
> [System Alert: Firenze (Intellect Ascended + Fanatical Worship of Science): Emotion Value +800!]
> [System Alert: Sirius Black (Wants to steal credit + Fear of High Tech): Emotion Value +300!]
Ivan walked to the smoking Skrewt nest.
'Lockhart' had passed out, eyes rolled back, but the black mark (Dark Mark) on his back was slowly fading.
"Stop playing dead." Ivan kicked his butt. "I know there's an old acquaintance inside you. Professor Quirrell, or rather... a certain soul fragment of Voldemort?"
The 'Lockhart' on the ground stiffened.
He slowly sat up, pulling his head out of a dead Skrewt shell, his eyes terrifyingly sinister.
But because he had been electrocuted, his hair had exploded into a sea urchin shape, destroying any sense of menace and leaving only comedy.
"Potter..." The voice was hoarse and ugly, no longer Lockhart's duck voice, but sounding like a snake crawling on sandpaper. "You actually... know such... such underhanded methods..."
"Methods don't matter, results do." Ivan squatted down, holding a... vernier caliper?
He pinched 'Lockhart's' chin and measured his face length.
"Face length 18.5 cm, nose length 6 cm... Disproportionate. No wonder you look so anti-human."
"You dare insult me?!" Voldemort's remnant soul struggled furiously, but Sirius immediately pounced, pinning him down with a threatening growl.
"Insult?" Ivan laughed, pulling a pair of electric clippers from his pocket.
"I'm helping you with 'Plastic Surgery'. Look at you now; even Bellatrix would have nightmares."
Ivan turned on the clippers. The buzzing sound was exceptionally piercing in the quiet forest.
"Since you like possessing others, I'll help you clean up the 'host'. Firenze, hold his hands. Hagrid, get a basin to catch the hair."
"What are you doing? Stop! Avada—!!"
Voldemort tried to gather killing intent, but Ivan shoved a stinking Skrewt into his mouth.
"Mmph mmph!!"
"Alright, time for tonsure."
Ivan pressed the clippers onto 'Lockhart's' already thinning head and shaved mercilessly.
Buzz— Buzz—
The pink scalp shone under the moonlight.
"Nice. Now this fits your 'No-Nose' temperament." Ivan admired his masterpiece with satisfaction. "Now you look like a freshly boiled, de-haired pig."
Just then, the System alert sounded.
> [Warning: Strong Spatial Fluctuation Detected!]
> [Target: Lucius Malfoy.]
> [Status: Forcibly entering "Newtonian Crystallization" range, carrying massive amounts of Galleons... No, carrying some Alchemical Creation.]
Ivan stopped what he was doing and looked at the edge of the forest.
Lucius Malfoy stood there panting, holding a massive, glittering... safe?
"Master Ivan!" Lucius knelt immediately upon seeing Ivan, ignoring the dirt. "Help! Something happened in Knockturn Alley! That... that 'Mechanical Fluffy' went out of control! It's devouring my vault! It says... it says it wants to upgrade to 'Gold Limited Edition'!"
Ivan raised an eyebrow. "Out of control? Impossible. My base logic setting was 'Protect the Vault'."
"But it ate all the gold in the vault!!" Lucius screamed in breakdown. "Now it's become a monster covered in gold coins! It's rampaging through Knockturn Alley! It even swallowed three Dementors! It's coming this way now, saying it wants to... to ask you for a 'Graphics Card' upgrade!"
Ivan: "..."
Firenze: "..."
Sirius: "Woof?" (What's a Graphics Card? Is it tasty?)
Just then, a ground-shaking metallic clanking sound came from the distance.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
A mechanical dog, covered in gold coins, eyes flashing red, and three times its original size, stormed into the clearing with an arrogant strut.
Seeing Ivan, it pounced excitedly, and then...
Thud.
It was too heavy. It crushed the ground and got stuck upside down in a pit, emitting a cute electronic voice:
"Master... Graphics Card... Hungry... Food..."
Ivan covered his forehead.
"Lucius, exactly how much gold did you feed it?"
"A... about... a ton?" Lucius gestured guiltily.
Ivan sighed, looking at the mess:
A balded Voldemort remnant soul, a centaur doing calculus, a big black dog chewing wires, and a gold-eating beast stuck in a pit demanding graphics cards.
"Fine."
Ivan pulled a giant wrench from his System Space and pointed at the smoking 'Lockhart' on the ground.
"Since everyone is here, let's have an 'All-Hands Meeting'."
"Firenze, you're responsible for hanging that smoking guy up as a punching bag."
"Sirius, go find some scrap iron for the mechanical dog, don't let it eat tree bark."
"Lucius..."
Ivan revealed a "nuclear-kind" smile, the wrench glinting coldly in the moonlight.
"Since you brought a safe, let's talk about compensation. Maintaining my 'Newtonian Crystallization' costs a hundred Galleons of magic crystals per minute. Also, your dog collapsed my experimental site..."
Lucius looked at the wrench bigger than his head, swallowed, and tremblingly opened the safe.
"Master Ivan... do you think... the Malfoy family can file for 'Bankruptcy Protection'?"
"What do you think?"
Ivan raised the wrench. Behind him, the Mechanical Husky, Firenze, and Sirius simultaneously revealed "kind" smiles.
Tonight, the Forbidden Forest was filled with laughter and joy (and Lucius's screams).