'Why must it always be raining in this godforsaken city?' I asked myself as a thug managed to hit me from behind with a lead pipe, making the world spin for far too long leaving me open for another thug to land a kick in my knee, finally bringing me down. 'Like, seriously, anyone would see this weather and think they're in a tropical place, but no, we're in goddamn New Jersey!'
As you can see, I'm taking my current situation rather seriously. Ignore the fact that I was being ridden by a third thug trying to choke me out, because you see, I'm not into this kind of thing, unless of course you're Catwoman because then you can do whatever you want with me.... Anyway, I karate chopped his neck to free myself and give me enough room to throw a punch that caved in his nose.
"Left yourself open." I wheezed this niche reference before rolling in the dirty ground to avoid another swing from the bat wielding annoyance.
Before I could do anything to him though I had to deal with the other thug who kicked my knees and I did in a really spectacular fashion... "Nut kick." I said as my foot landed on his family jewels, making him keel over and allow me to perform a masterful spinning kick on his jaw, a move unbefitting the ass beating I was taking a few moments ago.
Finally getting up I faced the last thug and cracked my neck and knuckles before showing my most unhinged smile, enhanced by my bleeding lips. "C'mon pretty boy, let's finish this dance." I said with a coarse voice that made me sound older and menacing.
Seeing that I could still throw hands, the man made the smartest thing in his entire life and ran away, leaving me there, breathing through my mouth because my nostrils aren't big enough to provide enough sweet sweet air to my lungs. After watching and making sure he wasn't coming back I finally allowed myself to relax and look at the one responsible for all this, a lady who took the wrong turn and almost became a statistic on the morning news.
"You alright?" I asked, offering my hand to help her up.
"Y-yeah." She stuttered not knowing who actually needed more help, me or her.
"Good, want any help getting home?" I asked while taking off my coat from the ground and using it to cover her from the rain.
"N-no, thank you." She said, my touch was not exactly welcomed but I won't hold it against her after what almost happened.
"Very well, be safe." I didn't press further, my gut feeling telling me that she would indeed be fine.
I didn't wait for her to go home, deciding to retreat deeper into the alley where she wouldn't see me collapse like a Lego character and finally let out a groan.
"This was totally not worth it." I said to myself as I felt my bones cracking back into place by themselves, my muscles mending as if nothing happened and my skin stitching itself leaving scars behind. "It would be nice if this worked during fights." I commented, already feeling slightly better.
What a mistake it was because just as my ears stopped ringing my gut feeling told me of another place I must be with extreme haste. And you know what they say, always trust your gut feelings.