About an hour after the screenshot debacle, my phone lit up again. I expected a "you okay?" or maybe a passive-aggressive emoji.
Instead, I got a wall of text. A literal manifesto of worship.
James: Elara, I've been sitting here thinking about us. I know I'm not always the sharpest guy, and I know I don't always get why you're upset, but I need you to know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You're so complex and deep, and even when you're mean to me, I just see a girl who has so much fire in her. I would do anything for you. I'd wait forever for you. You're my soulmate, Elara. My actual North Star.
I read it once. Then twice. By the third time, I was shaking.
You know that feeling when someone hands you a gift that's way too expensive? Like, a diamond necklace when you're wearing a stained t-shirt and haven't showered in three days? That was this. It was a crown of gold being placed on a head made of nothing.
And then, I started to cry. Not the pretty, cinematic kind of crying. The ugly, snotty, body-shaking kind where you can't catch your breath. Where you claw at your chest because it hurts so much.
I felt like a monster. A literal, cavern-dwelling beast. Here was this boy, this sweet, chubby, nerdy boy who just wanted to make music and love me. And all I did was sharpen my teeth on his kindness. I was the problem. I'd always been the problem.
The ex-boyfriend from 11th grade? Maybe I was a sensitive bitch. Maybe I was just impossible to love.
I actually got off my bed and knelt on the floor. I'm not even religious. I haven't been to a church since I was ten, but I pressed my forehead against the edge of my mattress and prayed. I prayed to a God I don't believe in to please, please just make me normal.
"Please let me love him," I whispered into the blanket. "Please make me see him the way he sees me. Wipe out the sarcasm. Take away the Russia in my belly. Just let me be the girl he thinks I am."
I wanted to be the girl who deserved that long text. I wanted to be the girl who felt "whole and alive" when he called me his North Star, instead of the girl who felt like she was being hunted by a searchlight.
I felt so much guilt it was actually physical, like a hand squeezing my throat. James was perfect. He was the "green flag." He was the "soft boy" the whole world told me I should be grateful for. If I wasn't happy with him, it meant I was broken beyond repair. It meant I was destined to be alone forever because I was too defective to handle a good man.
I grabbed my phone with shaky hands. My vision was blurred by tears.
Me: I'm so sorry, James. I don't deserve you. You're too good for me. I love you so much. I promise I'm going to be better. I'm going to try so hard to be the girl you deserve.
I hit send and felt a temporary wave of relief, like I'd just signed a contract with my own soul. I was going to force it. I was going to love him if it killed me. I was going to bury the "real" Elara so deep she'd never find her way back, and I was going to live inside this costume until it became my skin.
James: Babe!! Don't say that! You're perfect exactly how you are. I'm so happy right now. See? I knew we were soulmates. <3
I stared at the heart. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
I had just lied to the only person who loved me, and I'd done it while praying to God.
I looked at the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy. I looked like a wreck. But hey, at least I was being good, right? At least I was finally acting like a Normal girl.
I just hoped the acting got easier, because my heart felt like it was turning into stone.