it was supposed to be just another day.
me, Mathias and Alex.
takeout in plastic bags.
loud laughter echoing in the hallway.
nothing serious.
just a casual drop by.
I texted you.
"you home?"
and you replied:
"yeah, just come."
I didn't think much.
or maybe I did.
fuck. I always do when it comes to you.
you opened the door.
barefoot.
that black oversized shirt hanging loosely over your skin.
eyes that never looked old.
not even now.
but then I saw it.
them.
by the bookshelf.
a pair of sneakers.
not yours.
not mine.
too big, too used, too… male.
thrown carelessly.
like they belonged there.
I froze.
heart skipping.
mind screaming.
but my mouth stayed shut.
one of the boys asked it for me:
"wait, you're living with someone now?"
you smiled.
fuck. that smile.
small. polite.
killer.
"yeah," you said.
"since last month."
just like that.
like it didn't break me.
I laughed.
too fast. too fake.
"damn. Hazel turning domestic now?"
everyone chuckled.
you didn't look at me.
I sat on your couch,
legs shaking,
hands sweating,
pretending I wasn't bleeding from the inside.
you passed drinks around.
told stories.
played your usual records.
but my eyes kept going back
to those shoes.
like they were a ghost.
a fucking reminder
of everything I didn't say.
everything I ruined
by being a coward.
I wanted to scream.
to rip those shoes apart.
to ask,
"did you ever love me, Hazel?"
but I just smiled.
and said,
"this place feels like home."
I lied.
it didn't.