Chapter 9
Gripping the cold, sweating bottle, I downed the lemon soda. The momentary burn of the ice cold liquid sliding down my throat was the only "good" pain I could feel. I slammed the empty bottle down beside me and leaned back against the wooden park bench.
The sun was about to die on the horizon with a blood red exhaustion. Its final rays struck the white bandage covering that hideous, jagged scar starting from the middle of my forehead down to the bottom of my right cheek, and my intact blue eye right next to it. It gleamed as if mocking me. A gentle breeze stirred my grown out black hair, which I had neglected out of sheer apathy.
People passing by, returning from work, laughing, rushing, and the setting sun... They formed a vivid contrast, defying my suffocating, black and white world.
I could see that momentary hesitation on their faces, that millisecond flinch they tried to conceal. No matter how masterfully, how "civilized" they tried to hide it, I always noticed that instinctive disgust at first glance. They would turn their heads away, whisper among themselves, or worse, drag their fast walking children further away.
Their colorful, cheerful world did not belong to me. That world was forbidden to me.
Growing up in a loving, loud family. Making friends you could call "bro" at school, making weekend plans. Getting accepted into a good university, getting lost on campus. Finding a proper job and climbing the career ladder. Then finding "the one"; marrying a beautiful, understanding woman and having those smooth skinned children I would never be able to have. Taking on parental responsibilities, watching them grow, experiencing old age with your grandchildren, and then breathing your last breath peacefully in your bed...
My lips curved into an involuntary, bitter smile at this absurd train of thought.
Pfff. I cannot even imagine living a life like that. Though, even if I wanted to... Is that not the question anyway? I did not want it anymore either.
I took the last remaining sip of my lemon soda. The bubbles tingled my tongue. My family... They burned to ashes in the fire that broke out in that old wooden building we lived in, back when I was too young to even know what was what. I was supposed to be with them too.
In that same fire, along with this half of my face, a large part of my body was scorched. I still saw the flames licking my skin like paper in my dreams. If I had not thrown logic aside in that final moment and made the decision to jump from the eighth floor window, I would most likely be a handful of ashes in that wreckage just like my parents.
Perhaps... Perhaps the right choice was to burn to ashes right there with them.
I ran my hand over the loose, long sleeved shirt I always wore. Even beneath the fabric, I could feel the flawed, raised, hard texture of the burns on my skin. It was as if my body was constantly torturing me so I would never forget that day.
After that day, people started looking at me with disgust. In their eyes, I was not a "victim" but merely an "abomination". A freak. A circus act.
None of my relatives claimed "this" burden after my family died. Except for my grandfather.
My grandfather. That old, stubborn man. He took great care of me, I will not lie. He did everything in his power to meet my every need; my dressings, my medicines, my school expenses... He tried so hard to make me forget the absence of my family. But nothing, no matter how hard he tried, could take the place of a real family.
That soft goodnight kiss my mother used to plant on my forehead before sleep... or those boring fishing trips my father endured just to spend time with me, taking me on weekends... Those memories. A nostalgic, bitter expression appeared on my face. Those memories were the only real, the only valuable things I possessed in this life.
And now even my grandfather is on his deathbed. He lies in the hospital, hooked up to a pile of machines. The doctors say he only has two days left to live. His consciousness... his consciousness faded a month ago. When I visit, he neither hears nor sees me. Just a lump of flesh taking breaths in and out.
As for my school life... Because of my appearance, my peers always kept their distance from me as if I had the plague. Some were afraid, some mocked me with barbed words, and some simply changed their path because they did not want to be seen in the "same frame" as me. When teamwork was required for school assignments, there would be a dead silence in the classroom the moment my name was called out. Nobody wanted to pair up with me. The teachers always made me a one person group. After class, I would watch friend groups hanging out and laughing in the cafeteria, listening to their fake yet envied laughter. Although I generally put on a cold and resigned attitude, this was merely a mask I wore to avoid getting hurt any further. Deep down, I envied them. But I did not blame them, nor did I hate them. Actually, I somewhat understood them. Who would want to walk around with such a sight?
Ah, whatever. In short, I was completely alone.
Except for one person, of course.
Elena. A girl from my grade, from the classroom next door. Even if the whole school, even the whole world ignored and avoided me, she would smile and greet me every time she saw me. Sometimes she would forcefully block my path in the hallway and start meaningless, brief conversations like "How are you?". Once, she even stayed after school with me and watched the sunset in that boring park. And one time, on Valentine's Day, knowing that no one else would give me anything, she gave me a "friendship" chocolate.
But I knew that neither that chocolate nor anything she did was special. Because that was just the kind of person she was.
The most popular girl in the entire school. She could get along with everyone, from the most dangerous bully to the most antisocial kid in school. Successful in her classes, a star on the sports teams, flawlessly beautiful, an absolute angel of goodness. The teachers' favorite, the boys' dream. There were even fan clubs opened in her name at school.
But no matter how kind and understanding she was towards me... I hated her.
Once, during lunch break at school, I had gone up to my usual quiet corner, the rooftop. This place was generally unvisited by anyone because it was forbidden to students and the door lock was broken. It was my sanctuary.
That day, a group of girls came up to the rooftop while I was eating my food. The moment I heard their voices, I hid behind the water tank out of reflex. As long as they did not see me here, there was no problem. While eating, I inevitably listened to the girls' conversation too.
Among them was a familiar voice: Elena.
After listening to their ordinary, foolish chatter for a while, one of the girls changed the subject.
"Hey hey, Elena! We have been wondering for a long time... Why do you hang out with that boy?"
Elena blinked, putting on a surprised facial expression. "Which boy?"
"You know," the other said with an impatient demeanor. "That weird one. You know, the boy whose face is always bandaged. We mean that freak. Why do you show him so much attention? Have you not heard the rumors about him? What if he does something to you?"
There was an apologetic tone in Elena's voice. "Oh come on girls, calling him a 'freak' is very rude. He is a student just like us."
One of the girls spoke again. "You know he is different from us too. Most of us have never even seen him speak. He always watches out the window during classes, just like a statue. We cannot even figure out what goes through his mind."
Another girl joined the conversation. "Yes, yes! Seriously, is he not so creepy? What if he is a secret psychopath or something? Just the thought of it gives me goosebumps. You are truly very brave for getting so close to him, Elena."
Elena let out a forced, high pitched laugh. "Haha, of course not. I just... pity him. You know. He is always alone and gloomy. Someone needs to support him, otherwise, just as you said, he might truly turn into a bad person and hurt others."
"Ahh Elena!" one of the girls exclaimed. "What are we going to do with this innocent, good heart of yours!"
The girls' conversation had ended, and the school bell had rung. They left the rooftop laughing, but I continued to sit behind the water tank, frozen stiff.
Knowing that the only person who treated me like a human being... thought about me this way. It had shattered my heart into pieces. No, I already knew. I already knew she pitied me and all that. But hearing it... hearing it with my own ears, from her voice, with that "angel of goodness" intonation of hers... It was an indescribable feeling.
After that day, I always avoided Elena. Even if she tried to talk to me, I did not answer her, I just ignored her. I acted as if I were blind, as if I were deaf. She asked me why I was acting this way, whether she had made a mistake or something towards me. But still, I said nothing to her.
Yes, it was better this way. If I ignored her, she too would sooner or later get tired and fade into indifference like the others. And I would return to the loneliness where I belonged.
I tossed the empty bottle into the trash can in the park. I snapped out of my thoughts. The sun had almost completely set. The city lights had started to turn on.
It was time.
I stood up from the bench I was sitting on and made my way toward the tallest building I knew, with slow steps. It was a business center. I went up to the rooftop. Actually, the rooftop door was locked, but I had come prepared specifically for today in my school bag. I broke the lock with the small crowbar I brought with me.
I walked to the very corner, to the very edge. The cool evening breeze seeped through my bandages and caressed my skin. This was the 24th floor.
When I looked down from above, everything looked like a colony of ants. The headlights of the cars below moved randomly like fireflies.
My reason for coming here was clear and precise. I had already made my decision. I had long accepted that a bright, peaceful, and happy life did not await me in this world. At the very least, I deserved to die the way I wanted to.
I looked up at the sky. A few pale stars could be made out. I closed my eyes.
In that moment... I thought of my mother's kiss, my father's smile while fishing, my grandfather's affectionate hand, and Elena's fake smile.
I took a deep breath and took a step forward into the void.
The wind howled in my ears like a scream as I fell downward. My eyes were closed. And the next sound I heard was that muffled, wet sound of my body crashing into the ground.
"Thud."