It all began in April, when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and I was waiting for the train to school.
"Ding-dong... Ding-dong... The train for Tokyo via the Keiyo Line is arriving at platform two. Please stand behind the yellow line for your safety."
All I can say is, at the very least, do not cross that fate. Do not cross that distance, or you will end up with nothing but hollow regret. This sentence suddenly echoed in my head, right as I heard the warning announcement on the platform—as if this station knew that every human should know their limits.
I positioned myself on a wooden bench, observing and forming impressions of the people around me.
Mr. Success was talking on his phone in a very expensive suit. The School Group was chatting away, discussing their futures. The Happy Family was seeing off their elementary-aged child for school. Watching this scenery every day had become a mere routine for me.
A difference in distance between me and them; different fates and different lives. I believe in three words that can change a person—words that I think are natural for humans to process.
The first is Fate. Fate is different for everyone. Some are fated to be writers, others simply office workers. To me, the law of fate is not bound by time. It can snatch a person's life at any moment without permission. Year after year, no matter how advanced physics becomes, it will never be able to change the lines of fate already written.
The second is Distance. Distance is not just a number in meters separating two points. To me, distance is a defense mechanism. The distance between me and Mr. Success, or the distance between me and the future they talk about. As long as I can maintain that distance, I will be safe. Nothing can hurt me if I don't let anyone cross the yellow line in my heart.
And the last is Time. Time is the most honest yet cruelest variable. It keeps ticking whether you are happy or dying. Humans often feel they have plenty of time, when in reality, they are just waiting in line for an end they do not know when will arrive.
The smell of dust and the morning breeze felt starkly contrasted. To be honest, today didn't feel like a good day for me. I had to hurry; the train doors were about to close.
I stood among the handrails inside the train. I opened my assignment book to check if I had completed it correctly. The train swayed violently. Suddenly, a girl bumped into me quite hard. By chance, our eyes met at a distance of about 10 cm. I could smell the scent of soap specific to girls her age.
She stood back up, her face turning red and slightly hidden, as the biological factor between a man and a woman created an awkward situation in an instant. She bowed while apologizing.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to."
"Yeah," I replied flatly.
"Really, I'm sorry, the train just jerked and I lost my focus," she said, her eyes suddenly catching my school uniform.
"Whoa, your uniform... are you from Kaisei Private High? That's impressive, your parents must be rich, huh?"
"You could say that."
"You know, my middle school friends used to dream about getting into your school," she said with a smile.
"For them, perhaps. Not for me."
I used to think like that too—that this school was a dream for teenagers—but in reality, for me, it's a place that stifles my dreams. Too many things there make me suffer.
"Wow, does Mr. Honest-Kaisei-Student not have any friends there? I can tell from your face, haha. Don't be mad, I'm just kidding. Anyway, why is your face so gloomy? Smile a bit."
A strange girl, I thought. While people are busy with their own worlds, she could just talk to a stranger like me. She said it with such a bright, joyful face, and gave me a name I thought was quite ridiculous.
"I'm not that kind of person. Stay away," I said coldly.
"How mean! How could you say that to a girl like me?"
"You know, if you die with your wishes fulfilled, you can live forever over there."
If that were true, maybe I wouldn't be sitting on this train anymore, carrying the heavy burden of expectations from everyone close to me. And besides, why live forever there? After a moment of pleasure, you'd just get bored. That's humanity for you.
"No."
"Eh? Why not, in your opinion?"
"...Listen... if your wish is to keep a distance from death, then what about fate?"
"Hmm, I guess that makes sense too," the girl replied cheerfully. "If I died, would you be sad?"
She launched that ambiguous question with a joyful face that could deceive anyone. Her eyes sparkled as if hoping I would say yes—as if I should grieve for a death that wasn't mine.
"No. It has nothing to do with me."
She smiled broadly and hopped joyfully in the train, as if my answer was exactly what she had needed to hear all this time. I watched every movement of her body; she seemed bound by chains I couldn't see, yet experiencing a moment of freedom.
"Hey, Mr. Honest-Kaisei-Student, it was nice talking to you. Hehe."
"I hope so."
She leaned closer, looking at the book I was holding.
"How about we meet at the city library tonight? You seem to like reading... maybe we could read something like... hmm, The Moon Prince?"
Reading a fairy tale at a library sounded pathetic to me. While people come there for knowledge, she was inviting me to read a story told by parents to toddlers.
"This is my assignment book, not a fairy tale like you're thinking."
"I'll take that as a yes! See you at the city library then. Bye-bye!"
Ignoring my answer and assuming I would definitely come, the girl ran off cheerfully, waving her hand as she exited the carriage at a different stop. I looked down and saw a book had fallen onto my shoe. I picked it up. A name was written on the cover:
Misaki Asami. Class 2-A. Title: The Book of Desires.
I opened it. The first line:
"October 24, 2XXXThe doctor said I have a terminal heart disease. The prognosis is a few years. I'm afraid to tell my parents, let alone my classmates. I want to die in peace, though truthfully, I am terrified of dying. Before that time comes, I want to fulfill all my wishes in this book. I don't want the normal life I lead to be disrupted by my current condition."
I shut the book as fast as I could. To me, reading this felt the same as looking at her naked. I was forced to meet her now, because I felt this book was important.
I didn't realize that my choice would lead me toward fate, distance, and time... or perhaps I am just being a fool right now...