Let me guess.
You're all like: "Ooh, Sans! Our Deadpool-chan has landed in the Fate universe! Wow, we're gonna have a blast! How beautiful!" – and so on, and so forth. Jumping for joy, right?
But did you think about my feelings?!
I was, you see, messing around in these twisted timelines and fell right into the gap between the finale of "Fate/Zero" and the beginning of "Fate/stay night." And you think this is something to be happy about?! I'm stuck in the city of Yuki! — (Actually Fuyuki, Mr. Pool).
Anyway! Don't you dare be happy that I appeared in FGO! Do you hear me? Don't you dare!
You'll be happy when you pull a six-star Grand Deadpool, got it?!
"Hey, Mr. Pool! What are you muttering about, talking to the void?"
Olga-Marie, looking at Deadpool, who was once again spouting nonsense into the void, just shook her head irritably.
"Can't you see?" he replied. "I'm scolding these nasty readers who are enjoying my suffering!"
"What readers?"
"There are some."
Having reached a tunnel deep in the Fuyuki mountains, where the source of high mana concentration was detected, Olga-Marie and Ritsuka and their companions froze. A strange, frightening energy emanated from the maw of the cave.
"This is it. I can feel it. The amount of mana is simply monstrous. One wrong move, and this city, already engulfed in flames, will be wiped off the face of the earth."
"Director…"
No one knew what exactly awaited them inside. It could be a terrifying monster, or perhaps they should prepare to meet a Servant.
"Listen to me, forty-eighth. Of the combat units, we currently only have Mash and this guy in red. Ideally, I would prefer a contract with a first-class mage to ensure victory, but since only you survived… In any case, whatever happens, don't rush into danger. Understood?"
Olga-Marie's face was extremely serious.
Even though she called Ritsuka a number, not by name, her intentions were clear: since they were here, it was time to forget about simulations. This was a real battle.
She was consumed by anxiety: could this Master candidate, possessing the physiology suitable for Leyshift but almost zero magical circuits, properly lead the Servants?
"Honestly, I'm not thrilled about this either. Fujimaru Ritsuka, since the Command Spells have appeared on your hand, consider yourself on the path of war. If only I had done my job better!"
Olga-Marie nervously bit her fingernail.
Even though the guy lacked talent, and his habit of sleeping during briefings annoyed her, he was essentially just an innocent person, completely unsuited for this. She felt responsible for him being dragged into this nightmare and wanted to give him at least a chance to survive.
"Speaking of which. Are we even going in that direction?"
Of course, Deadpool, who suddenly butted in, shattered the atmosphere completely.
"You insufferable Servant!" Olga-Marie fumed. "Do you even understand the situation we're in?! One wrong move and…"
"You know, sweetie, such easy excitability usually indicates sexual dissatisfaction. Or that you've been burdened with too much responsibility and your nerves are shot."
As the director was about to explode with rage, Deadpool placed a finger on her lips, urging silence. It was impossible to read his expression through the mask – only white slits for eyes were visible – but there was unexpected seriousness in his voice.
"I'm an expert in these matters. As your personal psychologist, I, the professional Deadpool, declare: the power of love is great. Love works miracles. Like Romeo and Juliet. Power of love and peace!"
"But Romeo and Juliet both die in the end."
"No spoilers! As punishment, you're stripped of your director position for a year."
"Can't you be serious for even a moment?! We're on the brink of death, and you're just clowning around!"
Despite Olga-Marie's anger, Deadpool merely folded his hands into a prayer gesture serenely and circled around her.
"Don't worry. If this runt kicks the bucket, the game will have to be shut down. So he definitely won't die. And if he does, Delight Works will revive him, no doubt about it."
"Director! We've arrived."
At the end of the tunnel, a vast cavern opened up.
There, in the depths, pulsed a huge Singularity, emitting a purple haze, and before it, with his back to the entrants, stood a knight in black armor.
"Servant."
"Senpai, back!"
Mash instinctively raised her shield. A defensive stance. She could feel with her skin: this black knight was not like ordinary Servants. As if confirming her thoughts, the opponent unleashed his accumulated mana, creating a furious vortex.
"Magical outburst… Saber?"
[Servant reaction detected. Class – Saber!]
"Saber, the strongest of the three knightly classes… How could this be?!"
Olga-Marie wished she were wrong, but this was definitely a Saber. However, they wouldn't be fighting only him.
"O-ho-ho! While we were chatting, a new contender appeared in the arena! Meet the new fighter!"
With a terrifying rumble, another Servant emerged from the shadows. Distorted proportions, black skin as hard as rock, and a shock of long, shaggy hair – he resembled a living golem. Red eyes glinted ominously in the darkness.
"Servant… Berserker…"
Olga-Marie felt it instantly.
The bloodlust emanating from this creature was suffocating. Berserker clenched a giant sword the size of himself and let out a furious roar that shook the cavern's vaults.
"■■■■■■…!"
Hearing this roar, the director instinctively understood: there were no chances. To withstand Berserker, with Saber behind them, was pure suicide. Her legs gave way, despair overwhelmed her, demanding she abandon everything and surrender, but she remembered those she had to protect. She could not surrender.
"This is all strange. Shouldn't we have missed him? What went wrong? Did he smell my chimichangas? Or…" Deadpool propped his chin with his hand and stared thoughtfully at the monster. "…Or did this plot just go off the game's script?"
The atmosphere of hopelessness, as usual, was broken by him. It seemed he didn't realize the danger at all, just muttering something to himself.
"Hey! What are you doing?" Olga-Marie shouted. "That's Berserker! Even if you're strong, this is madness!"
"Haven't you seen my movies? This unfinished black Hulk is a piece of cake for me. After all, you're facing the six-star Grand Deadpool himself!"
Maintaining a distance from Berserker, Deadpool turned to Olga-Marie with the most serious look he could muster.
"Go and witness the miracle of love with your own eyes. I'll have a snack while looking at this guy as a side dish."
"Damn it, just don't you dare die!"
Understanding Pool's intention, Olga-Marie hurried to lead Ritsuka and Mash to the edge of the cave, where Saber stood.
Now only two remained.
"You know, among my acquaintances, there was one guy, just like you. All chrome, and in his head, nothing but nonsense about heroism – an empty tin can. Looking at you, I'm starting to get annoyed, so you'll have to answer for it. With your neck!"
Deadpool unleashed the bloodlust he had been hiding until now. The mercenary instincts, honed through countless battles and having killed forty-eight people, awakened.
The silence between them didn't last long: Deadpool was the first to draw his pistols lightning-fast.
"Pew-pew! Ratatat! Die, die, die!"
The hail of bullets that rained down on Berserker was aimed solely at vital points. However, for him, this damage was weaker than a mosquito bite. The bullets pierced his skin but were immediately pushed back out, and the wounds instantly closed.
"Damn it. Did they cut our special effects budget? I didn't bring spare magazines…"
Having expended all his ammunition, Deadpool cursed, realizing his oversight. At that moment, Berserker instantly closed the distance.
"Things are bad! But while I'm saying this… Jump plus Strike 'A'!"
In fact, this was exactly what Deadpool was waiting for.
His plan was to perform a high jump and deliver a devastating punch while the opponent was immobile at close range. In a fight, the advantage goes to the one who strikes first.
"Aaaah! My arm! Canada!!"
But Deadpool's fist, which slammed into Berserker's face, didn't just crunch; it twisted and hung limply.
"Wrong spell, perhaps?"
Meanwhile, Berserker moved in close.
"Nut shot!"
His powerful strike landed precisely between Berserker's legs. A clear "Clang!" sounded, as if his fist had met a steel ingot.
"Ouch! Ow! Hey, man! Is your girlfriend okay?!"
His second arm also bent at an unnatural angle.
"It's okay, it's okay… Tyrannosaurs were kings of the world with paws like these! Wait… I think I said that already?"
Feeling déjà vu, Deadpool struck again, this time with his foot to the face. The strength of legs always surpasses the strength of arms.
"Crack-a-a-a! My leg!"
However, Deadpool only howled in pain, looking at his ankle, which hung by scraps of skin with a disgusting crack.
All three attacks hit their mark, but all the damage was reflected back to Deadpool himself.
Berserker still hadn't made a move. He just glared at Deadpool with furious red eyes, like a tiger watching a pathetic mouse try to appear menacing.
"What are you staring at? Think it's funny? You think I'm a clown? I could take someone like you down with one hand! Think I can't handle it? Can't handle it, huh?! Watch this! I'm gonna cook you up properly… Smash!"
Berserker's right hook descended with a whistle. With a dull thud, as if a stone pillar had struck him, Deadpool was sent flying to the other end of the cave, plowing through the earth.
"And that's it? Piece of cake. You call that a punch? It doesn't even hu-u-urt…!!"
His words sounded brave, but in reality, Deadpool's limbs had turned to dust. He looked like a talking rag doll: arms and legs twisted in different directions, and the remaining parts of his body scraped raw against the cave floor stones.
"You're weaker than that damn chrome bucket! Oh, no. I misspoke. Stronger! You're much stronger! Such power!"
"■■■■■■!!"
Berserker, who had been walking slowly until then, roared with a ground-shaking sound and charged at Deadpool like a rampaging African elephant in musth.
With a thunderous "Boom!", Berserker rammed Deadpool at full speed. The impact, comparable to a truck hitting at full speed, cracked the earth and sent a powerful shockwave in all directions.
"Not the Noble Phantasm. Not his…! Aaaaaah!!"
"■■■■■■!!"
Berserker didn't stop. Wielding a massive sword that resembled a rough-hewn pillar, he began methodically pounding Deadpool into the floor. Dozens, hundreds of continuous blows shredded the mercenary's body into a bloody mess.
Nine – Lives.
"Hundred-Headed Shooter."
"■■■■■■■■■!!"
The final downward strike came with such force that a deep crater formed around Berserker, as if from a meteorite impact. But when the dust settled and his silhouette appeared through the smoke, Berserker tensed again.
"I knew it, that's why I brought the 'Dimensional Magic Fluid' essence with me. Haha! How do you like that?! This is the power of essences! Eat it, you dumb head!"
The Red Servant was alive. The deadly Noble Phantasm technique hadn't worked.
Berserker didn't falter. On the contrary, enraged that his move had failed, he roared, and veins bulged on his swollen muscles.
"What? What are you staring at? Hurt, huh? If you're jealous, go spin the gacha and pull five-star essences! Oh, right, you mobs can't use them! Be-be-be-be-be!"
There was no trace of his recent fractures or his body being torn to shreds. Deadpool stood whole and unharmed, taunting Berserker and sticking his tongue out.
"Now let's get serious, you four-star piece of Berserker."
Stopping his antics, he drew the twin swords from his back with a serious expression.
"They say you can't skip the Phantasm animation in this game? Sorry, kids, but I can. Allow me to excuse myself…"
He made a sharp gesture in the air, and the view was swallowed by darkness.
Only the whistle of blades cutting through the air, Berserker's furious roar, the sounds of impacts, the screech of metal, the crunch of bones, and even something resembling the whine of a chainsaw could be heard.
And then, silence fell.
"Weakling, not a Servant."
And 'Dimensional Magic Fluid' – that thing, you can't do anything about it.
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: Granulan