Ram Route- Crusch's Tenderness
「He took up residence at the Karsten estate.」
「Ignoring the rumors from the outside world about the total annihilation of the Emilia Camp, Hikigaya Hachiman suffered like a walking corpse. If Ram were to die as well, he would have abandoned thought entirely, sinking completely into numbness and despair.」
「"If Ram died too... then wouldn't the evidence of the existence of Emilia, Garfiel... and so many others, all disappear? Besides, you would definitely be unhappy too, right, Rem?"」
「Stroking a charred corpse wrapped like a mummy, Hikigaya Hachiman smiled foolishly, his face full of deep affection.」
「However, Hikigaya Hachiman was always able to force a smile, and his mental state appeared normal... Living at the Karsten house, if he acted dejected all day long, it would diminish Crusch's reputation and spoil the moods of Ferris and Wilhelm. He did not want that to happen.」
「It was also thanks to Ferris's treatment and the day-to-day comfort and guidance from Crusch and Wilhelm that Hikigaya Hachiman was able to maintain his normalcy; for this, he was sincerely grateful.」
「But his 'normal' self could not give Ram the hope to live on.」
「Watching helplessly as Ram refused to eat or drink, wasting away and on the verge of starving to death, Hikigaya Hachiman made a difficult choice... He applied the makeup of a clown, put on a custom-made set of clothes usually worn by Roswaal, and using that unique intonation, he opened the door to Ram's bedroom.」
「At that moment, Ram stared blankly, and then suddenly burst into tears, wailing with heart-wrenching intensity.」
「From then on, a new light bloomed in her eyes again. She no longer attempted suicide, and after being treated by Ferris, she showed a strong will to live. She obediently followed Hikigaya Hachiman's instructions and even wished to stick by his side every moment... but whenever Hikigaya Hachiman shed those disguises, she would instantly revert to a cold, expressionless state, not sparing Hachiman a single glance.」
「"Sir, you are truly suffering."」
「Sitting around the pavilion in the garden, watching the flowers, Crusch glanced at the normally dressed Hikigaya Hachiman, feeling a bit indignant on his behalf.」
「"I have heard about the way you and Sir Ram have been interacting lately. Is this really alright?"」
「"To be honest, it's terrible." Hikigaya Hachiman lowered his head bitterly. "But besides this, there is no other way... However, I won't do that all day. I won't tarnish the reputation of the Karsten house, please rest assured, Crusch."」
「"I did not mean that."」
「Crusch opened her mouth to speak, but seeing Hikigaya Hachiman's 'feigning ignorance' expression, she could only purse her lips. She poured a cup of tea, handed it over, and asked instead: "Before I lost my memory, what was my image in Sir Hachiman's eyes? How did I behave? Could you tell me?"」
「Nodding, Hikigaya Hachiman began to recount the memories nostalgically... At times like this, he would unconsciously show a genuine smile, immersing himself in the beautiful past to briefly escape reality.」
「"Powerful, gallant, handsome, cool—ten thousand times more reliable than a hundred of me. You were the best friend, the best monarch, and the best partner."」
「After finishing the specific details, he gave a very high evaluation. He then saw the Crusch before him look dim; she bit her lower lip in frustration and loss. There was a slight fear—a fear that her current self, after losing her memory, could not respond to the expectations of others and could not be that strong.」
「"But, the current you, in my eyes, isn't actually any different from the you before the memory loss."」
「"Eh?"」
「"You are very strong, Crusch. It's just that the focus of your current strength is different from before. To have the patience to comfort a worthless person like me... you are much gentler than you were before."」
「Crusch paused for a moment and asked, "If it were the former me, how would I have comforted you?"」
「"'Do you call yourself a man? Stand up, keep walking, wipe away your tears. Is crying what Emilia and the others you cherish would want to see? Do you want to become a coward!' ...It would probably be something like that."」
「"That..." Crusch had a look of surprise, finding it hard to imagine. "Can that even be considered comfort?"」
「"It counts," Hikigaya Hachiman nodded heavily. "If it came from your mouth, then it would definitely be comfort. It's just that, for a useless person like me, what I can better accept now is the comfort of the current you... You saved me, Crusch."」
「Yearning—Hikigaya Hachiman yearned for Crusch.」
「"To say such things is really too much..."」
「Crusch hesitated, wanting to both deny his self-label of being 'worthless' and to deny his exaggeration of her contribution. "If it weren't for Sir Hachiman's own mental fortitude, how could my little bit of comfort be of any use! To face such events and still be able to stand firm... I am not as strong as you, Sir Hachiman."」
「Yearning—Crusch yearned for Hikigaya Hachiman.」
「Hikigaya Hachiman wanted to smile and shake his head, but, having finished his reminiscence and living now in reality, he found it impossible to smile.」
「"Crusch, I—"」
「He paused. Looking at Crusch, who tilted her head in confusion, a bitter Hikigaya Hachiman spoke anyway: "Can you grant me a shameless request, Crusch?"」
「He reached out a trembling hand and opened his palm. Hidden in his palm was an accessory. It was the butterfly hair ornament Emilia wore on her head, the sole relic he had found after digging through the snow upon returning to the lonely and deserted Sanctuary.」
「"Could you please... wear it? Would that be okay, Crusch?"」
「"Is this really alright?" she asked.」
「Hikigaya Hachiman, filled with a mixture of loneliness and expectation, did not answer.」
「Crusch, with her long hair draped over her shoulders, said nothing more. She simply reached out quietly and serenely pinned the beautiful ornament into her hair.」
「In just an instant, tears once again soaked Hikigaya Hachiman's eyes. He looked at Crusch, looked at that hair ornament, and the tears fell like rain. He covered his face, unable to restrain himself.」
「"Emilia, ah— uugh, aaah— Emilia, Emilia! Crusch, ah..."」
「Standing up, Crusch once again embraced Hikigaya Hachiman. Her face was full of tenderness, like a mother nurturing a child, becoming a harbor for this man who was at his most fragile in this moment.」
「"It's okay to cry. It's normal for men too. It's okay to stop and linger in the past. It's natural to feel pain. It might not be what Emilia and the others want to see, but you are yourself, so it's okay..."」
「"Me too, you too... we all are. So, it's okay."」
「"Sir Hachiman."」