like why everything has to feel so spiritual
when, really, it's just the day after my period
and that means even his breath on my neck
makes me want to use the bathroom
he sits in the corner of the room
chewing on my pen and I think:
I can't ask to use it again,
he'll think I'm a psycho
like, how do I make it about the pen
'Wait, so you're telling me this is it?
Like this is the assignment?'
scribble scribble scribble
pretty round handwriting
grape Fanta and candy floss cologne
baby, won't you come my way?
only the best music recommendations
Japanese sad songs and pretty boys
God, what have I become?
Hypothetically speaking, what if I'm still
upset about it?
that's normal right?
to cry about stupid stuff like
losing in life, right?
It's fine, right?
I'll be okay, right?
I can't decide if I'll be okay
'Basically.' Clear and calm, like a stream
'Did you watch our comeback yet?'
'No, I've been busy working on our assignment.'
he pulls out his Samsung Galaxy
the one in that ad I saw the other day
him chilling on some couch in Korea
with all of the members in his group
what does it even matter anymore?
it must be nice to escape
'I was just asking. I can have my part
done by tomorrow. I have practice in an hour.'
'Do you ever, like, get days off
or something?'
'Do you get days off from studying?'
'It's not the same, though.'
'How so?'
'Well... I mean, you're still basically a kid...'
'I'm twenty-two.'
'You like never get days off!'
'I don't understand what you're trying to say...'
how do I put it? do I give myself away?
Does it matter?
what am I even at this point?
I wipe my eyes and I'm crying all of a sudden
that one song he recommends, all the time,
quivering through the stillness
I'm really quiet about it
knuckles patting at the wetness on my lashes
throat coated thick with his grape Fanta cologne
he stops chewing
mouth round on the cap of my pen
'Did I say something wrong?'
'No, I'm fine.' A lie. Obviously. You know how it goes...
'Seriously, you can tell me.'
'It's fine.'