My name is Arthur Pendragon. Not the Arthur Pendragon, mind you. Just Arthur. And my greatest ambition in life was to achieve the perfect state of inertia, a Zen-like dedication to doing absolutely nothing. My sofa was my throne, my TV remote my scepter, and my snack drawer, well, that was my treasury.
One particularly uneventful Tuesday, as I was perfecting the art of "contemplative napping" – a fancy term for sleeping with one eye open – a bizarre, ethereal blue screen flickered into existence right above my head.
[WELCOME, HOST ARTHUR. SYSTEM INITIALIZED.]
My first thought wasn't "Oh my god, a magical system!" It was, "Great, another pop-up ad. Can't I even nap in peace?" I swatted at it, but my hand went right through.
[OBJECTIVE: SURVIVE.]
"Survive what?" I mumbled, still half-asleep. "My landlord trying to collect rent?"
[CURRENT STATS:]
Arthur Pendragon – Level 1 (Sofa Dweller)
STR: 3 (Can lift a remote)
DEX: 2 (Might trip over air)
INT: 7 (Can count to ten, sometimes)
LUK: 100 (Pure, unadulterated laziness)
"LUK 100?" I snorted. "That just means I always find the TV remote in the couch cushions."
The system, seemingly ignoring my existential commentary, chirped again.
[QUEST: AVOID RESPONSIBILITY. REWARD: +1 DEX.]
My eyes widened. "Wait, really? That's it? I'm already a master of that!"
Suddenly, my doorbell rang. Ding-dong! It was probably Mrs. Henderson from next door, wanting to borrow a cup of sugar again. I hated Mrs. Henderson. She talked too much.
My body, acting on pure, instinctual avoidance, shrunk deeper into the sofa. I even held my breath.
[QUEST COMPLETE: AVOID RESPONSIBILITY (SUCCESS!)]
[YOU HAVE GAINED +1 DEX!]
[YOU HAVE GAINED 10 EXP!]
My eyes practically bulged out of my head. I sat up, truly awake now. "It actually worked!"
The doorbell rang again, then faded away. Silence. Freedom.
[YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 2!]
[SKILL UNLOCKED: "Sofa Camouflage" – You can now blend seamlessly with any upholstered furniture, making you virtually invisible to unwanted visitors.]
A mischievous grin spread across my face. This was it. This was my destiny. No grand quests, no dragon slaying, just... professional inaction.
The next day, my fridge was looking suspiciously empty. "Ugh, groceries," I groaned. My mortal enemy.
[QUEST: PROCRASTINATE GROCERY SHOPPING. REWARD: +1 STR.]
"Oh, you sweet, beautiful system," I whispered. I promptly spent the next three hours watching a documentary about competitive napping. (Spoiler: I could totally win.)
[QUEST COMPLETE: PROCRASTINATE GROCERY SHOPPING (SUCCESS!)]
[YOU HAVE GAINED +1 STR!]
[YOU HAVE GAINED 15 EXP!]
My stomach rumbled loudly. "But... I really need food."
[QUEST FAILED: PROCRASTINATE GROCERY SHOPPING (FAILURE – Host is too hungry.)]
"Hey!" I protested. "That's unfair! How am I supposed to procrastinate if I'm starving?"
The system was silent. Apparently, even magical systems had their limits when faced with my epic hunger.
I sighed, dragging myself off the sofa. "Fine, fine. I'll go." I managed to shuffle towards the door, feeling like an ancient, creaky robot. As I reached for the doorknob, the blue screen reappeared.
[NEW QUEST: "THE GREAT ESCAPE: AVOID MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH NEIGHBORS." REWARD: +1 DEX, +5 EXP.]
I paused, a brilliant idea forming. If avoiding responsibility got me levels, then active avoidance must be the ultimate cheat code.
"Challenge accepted, system," I muttered, a glint in my eye. "This isn't just about survival anymore. This is about becoming the laziest, most unexpectedly powerful hero this world has ever seen!"
And with that, I carefully, painstakingly, and with immense effort, opened the door just a crack, peered left and right, and began my epic journey to the grocery store – a journey entirely dedicated to not doing anything more than absolutely necessary, and accidentally levelling up along the way.