Aid me, be my light and guide. Help me love the way you love, proudly and without fear. I know you love me; that's why I can live on. The constant thoughts of stagnation have left my mind. I'm free, but I still need your help, and I forever will—even after death. I want to show my love for others—not only limited to my family, Joel, or people I know.
Joel made me realize that what happened to me isn't something I can brush away. My suffering is not greater or lesser than anyone else's. He made me realize I was hurting more than I let myself know.
I refuse to believe that I'm someone unable to make a difference. I can and I will love me. Charity starts at home. A home is not only a physical place—it's my heart. My memories, my life, my love, my emotions. This is where I start—with myself.
Healing takes time, but I'm willing. I'll do my utmost with the one who called me by name: the first and the last, the beginning and the end. The one who loved me even when I hated and doubted myself. You stood by my side when I thought of closing myself and the chapters of my life.
You were there when I called for you, even when I thought you weren't. Over and over, you showed me you loved me. You opened my eyes to see a glimmer of hope in those around me during my dim days.
When I thought my troubles would be too much for them, they stood by my side—waiting for me to open up. My family never left; their love for you made me see how you are in everything.
I may have been audacious, thinking they wouldn't help me or that they would think I was weak-minded. Now I know that isn't true. I will cherish this love. I'll never let it out of my grasp and think that I'm unworthy. I won't ever try to escape from this world ever again. I'll fight if I have to. So, Lord, be with me every step of the way.
"Adah, are you sure we can shop for more things? I mean, we are only shopping for me, and I already have shoes to wear, so we…"
I zone out, staring at him. Such a beautiful person is with me—willing to listen to my stories and gladly lead me closer to God. I'm forever grateful.
"Adah, are you alright? Are you tired? Should we—" I lightly chuckle. "You look beautiful, so I was staring at you. That's all," I say, grabbing his arm, seeing him clearly flustered at my words.
"Hello!" I cheerfully enter our designated store.
"Hello, how can I help you?" The elderly man welcoming us stares at us, smiling. "Have you been shopping over at my old friend's boutique?" he asks, laughing.
"Yes, we have. My boyfriend needed three new suits. And now he needs some wonderful dress shoes to match them." The elderly man's smile glistens even more.
"Oh, I see. A newly founded couple, and it's none other than my dearest little boy Joel. So you finally confessed to her after all these years."
"Yes, I did. I bravely asked her if I could be her boyfriend." I've never seen a brighter smile on his face.
"Attaboy! You've finally become a full-fledged man," the elderly man says, lightly hitting Joel on his arm. "When were you going to let me see your little princess? If she hadn't picked this boutique, would you have come today?"
"I was going to introduce my princess to you the day before the Christmas Eve ball—to show you our outfits and who she is."
"Alright, alright. It's okay; I was only joking. Now to the most important part: explain how your suits look."
"Little princess, why don't you sit over here while they look for some shoes? They will, of course, come out with shoes to show you." The elderly lady looks at me, smiling.
"Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I am Mary-Jean Collins, Joseph Collins' wife." I smile.
"Joseph Collins?" I ask, unsure of who he is.
"Oh, he's the gentleman who is talking with Joel. We've been married for 60 years, and this is our boutique. We specialize in making dress shoes for any type of suit."
"How lovely! Do you still come to work every day?" Mrs. Collins lets out a light laugh.
"We do sometimes, but my daughter is now the owner of our boutique. I am sorry if I am so giggly; it's just—Joel usually talked about how he always had a crush on this beautiful girl when he was younger."
"He did? How long ago was that?" Before I get my answer, Joel pops out from a door.
"Adah, we found some different dress shoes."
"We will be out of your way, so you two take your time and look at the shoes and call us if you need something." Mrs. and Mr. Collins walk away slowly.
"Weren't they at church today?" Joel looks up at me while tying his shoes.
"Yes, they were. Some stores are closed until after three o'clock because they need to get to church, go home, and eat with their families. Then they are open for only two hours, since Whistler is a touristic spot. But Mr. Collins' store is closed on Sundays."
"Then how are we here?" This time he looks away.
"Because I called him and asked if I could visit. I said I had a surprise… and I did."
"While we're on the topic of surprises, I heard something exciting and surprising from Mrs. Collins. She said you talked about me when you were younger."
"I did. I've loved you for a long time. Longer than you realize." I tilt my head.
"How? We met in high school?" This time he places his head on my lap, fiddling with my scarf.
"I met you before. More precisely, I saw you seven years ago with your mother in Vancouver. You know our mothers knew each other and were friends from their university days, right?"
"Yes, I knew that much only."
"Well, my mother would always tell me about their time then, and sometimes she would tell me about her best friend and her children. She would show me pictures. That's when I found you."
"What, was it love at first sight?" I laugh. But he looks up at me, eyes unwavering. His hands search for mine.
"It was love at first sight. Well, it was actually through a picture. But then I met you—it was at a party for a colleague's daughter's birthday."
"Wait, the one with the huge pink jumping castle?" His eyes sparkle.
"Yes, that one. I caught a glimpse of you, but I couldn't muster the courage to talk to you."
My memories flood in my head.
"Wait, our moms introduced us to each other and we briefly said hello! That was you back then. You had such round cheeks and—."
"You didn't forget me?" I let out a sigh, pondering.
"I'm sorry, I forgot that it was you. I only remember meeting a small, cute kid and—."
"Stop calling me cute," he protests, rubbing his head on my lap. "I'm not cute, Adah. I'm not a kid. I'm grown, but I'll look cute for you if you want."
"How are you going to make yourself look cute? You already are, overflowing with cuteness."
"But did the kids back then make fun of you?" I suddenly snap back, but weirdly I don't feel sad about it.
"Yes, they were, but it's okay now. It really is."
God is love, yet—
Why was it hard to see?
Life is a blessing.
I refuse to believe I'm undeserving.
Adore without fear and worry.
His grace abounds.
Longevity and joy is beautiful.
Enduring love is fruitful.
Be proud of yourself; you've come far.
Therefore, do not fear.
Perseverance produces character.
I will not vanish.
I will live and not die.