I want to be like a cosmos flower. Perfect synergy, balance, and most of all, full of peace. To be like a cosmos flower, I need to put the past behind me. I need to face it head-on and talk about it. Things kept under always find a way to creep up. The more you store inside and hide, the harder it will be to let go. It can take hold of you, silence you, and force you to be shunned.
Don't get caught up in your hurting. It will slowly turn into a lie—a lie convincing you that everything is okay. And that lie is fatal. You suddenly feel surges of anger, sadness, and death.
Better to be caught by someone than to die in your lie. Trying to fight it alone will make you miserable. You are not meant to be alone. You are meant to be loved.
I don't know how I was so brave a second ago. Right now, I feel as if I've lost control. I'm not the one leading this play anymore.
"Why'd you stop?" he pants softly, his breath steady.
"Joel, we can't go on."
"Why not? It's just a kiss—or two." He leans in to kiss me once again. One hand is placed softly behind my head, supporting me from hitting the car window, while the other rests around my waist.
"Adah," I quickly take a moment to breathe, "am I moving too fast?"
"No, you're not—it's just more intense. This is only the second time we've kissed. We've only ever—"
He kisses my lips again.
"Well, I am a quick learner."
"You are?"
"I sure am. You'll find out soon enough. Once we've kissed each other more than that little head of yours can count, you'll be glued to me."
"Ugh, what are you saying? It's so cheesy."
"But I know you like it. You do like it, right, Adah?"
"I do," I quietly mumble, my cheeks burning.
I quickly take my bag. "I have to leave now. I've been here long enough."
"You can stay for a while longer. It's only eight." I discreetly look up at him.
"No, I can't. It's a school night. Any more than this and you won't let—" I pause.
"Any more and I won't what?"
"Nothing," I say as I open his car door and step out.
"Alright, I'll stop for now. Let me walk you into your apartment."
"Okay, let's go then." Even across the short distance, we hold hands.
When we reach the entrance, I turn to him, and his arms are already open wide as if it's the most natural thing in the world.
"Bye. I love you."
"I love you too, Adah. I'll text you before I go to bed."
"I'll do it too." We slowly let go of each other. "Bye-bye."
"Bye. Sleep well, princess."
While I'm in the elevator, I feel my legs give out. We've never done anything that intensely before. It was only our second kiss.
I look into the elevator mirror and touch my lips softly. The kiss wasn't intruding or scary in any way. Even with the intensity, he never crossed a single boundary. It was soft, lovely, and pure—no more than I could handle.
I get myself together before entering my home. I walk into the living room and see my mother sitting with my younger siblings.
"Hello, Mama!"
"You're home? How was it at Joel's house?"
"It was nice. I ate food there. Have you eaten?"
"Yes, we have eaten. Your father made chicken and rice." I nod and turn around.
Ready to walk to my room, my mother's words stop me. "Did something happen at school today? Joel called me earlier. He sounded out of breath."
"No, nothing happened. I'm alright." I feel the tears rising; my throat tightens.
My dad enters the living room.
"Hello, Papa," I say, quickly finding an excuse to escape. "Did it go well at work today?"
"Yes, it did. Was school good?"
"It was good. It's the first day after the holidays, so everyone is still settling in."
After averting my mom's question, I walk into my room, where I find my siblings sitting on my bed playing with my plushies.
"What are you doing on my bed?"
"We were waiting for you, but you took too long," Anah says, clicking her tongue as she continues her lecture. "You're busier than me, and I'm a second-year uni student."
"Mhm. What were you doing?" Apphia asks. Ezra looks at me, waiting for an answer.
"I didn't know the police were going to be here today."
Apphia tuts and continues. "Anyways, hurry! We waited to show you this trailer. The movie is coming out in March."
I sit down on my bed, and Ezra naturally climbs onto my lap, holding Choo.
When the trailer ends, I quickly usher them out. "Hurry! Go out."
"Why? Are you hiding something?" Ezra smiles mischievously.
"Here," I say, placing chocolate bars into their hands.
"Wait, when did you get these? They're the new ones!" Anah quickly unwraps hers and takes a bite.
"I got them when I was at Joel's place."
A collective wave of whistling and laughing echoes from the trio.
"You've got chocolate, now leave."
"Alright, we'll retreat for now," Ezra says, eyeing me suspiciously.
Once they've left, I take out the paper Mira gave me and text her. Shortly after, I get a reply asking to talk tomorrow during lunch break. My heart is already beating wildly as I unpack my schoolbag.
I see Joel's sweatshirt and slowly pick it up. Hugging it, I calm myself down.
Then I notice something written in marker on the inside of the sweater's sleeve, half smudged out. A verse: Deuteronomy 31:6 — Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them—
Between the rise and the setting of the sun,
a hue lights the sky.
One that is not easily caught,
nor seen with the eye.
It arrives before twilight and leaves,
when the sun sits on the horizon.
Such is love.
Not easily found.
Except it is always there waiting for you.
The touch of man is sweet,
but words are stronger.
Stay forever same,
from dawn 'til dusk.