12 / 25 / 2014
My father almost never arrives home. Especially not during December. Some reason, he works almost exclusively at Cybers throughout most of this one, specific month.
So it's a surprise when I hear him ask directly to me, "Who have you been seeing?"
"Wh-what?"
The man is tall and slim and ivory-skinned, with raven-black hair kept in a widow's peak. His expression is stern and still, with a half-frown in his eyes that could freeze a murderer's guts. Unsurprisingly he's still wearing his work clothes—a dark brown suit with black leather shoes.
"I know you've been heading out of the house more often these past few months. But never got the chance to really talk to you about all this." He approaches me, eyes narrow. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I don't answer him, for a time. "Was it that obvious? You don't even come home all that often."
"Yes, but whenever I do, you look about ten times as happy as usual. When you're actually home, that is. As far as the housekeepers have told me, you've developed a habit of studying outside as of late. For days at a time. And now, you're picking clothes that actually make you look good. So I'm assuming you're going on some kind of date tonight."
White shirt with blue sleeves, plain jeans. On anyone else it'd be boring as hell. On me? Kind of a casual suaveness.
And damn. He figured out I'm on a date.
I knew long ago I had to cross this bridge, when it came to it. But even now nothing's really coming. So when I try explaining myself all that comes out is "U-uh, I, erm, well you see," and you get the idea.
"You like her?"
I blink at him. "Yes."
"You thought about marrying her?" What. "Don't look so surprised."
I stammer because I'm stupid and for some reason can't even make out a few words in all this, "I-I don't think we're at that point yet, but..."
"Can you see yourself with her in at least the next five years?"
I say confidently, "Yes."
"I suppose there's really no cause for concern."
Whew. Thank God-
"Except for the fact you're not telling me everything."
Damn it. "What else is there to tell...?"
"I've been in business enough times to tell when someone's withholding 're hiding something."
She has a kid. "There's nothing else to her. She's just a...nice girl."
"Nice doesn't mean a thing," he shakes his head. "Everyone's nice. Is she good, is what I'm asking?"
What do you mean by that? "She's a good person. A very good person."
"You're stalling. What aren't you telling me?"
Why the hell won't you just come out with it? "She's not...," I shake my head, "she's..."
"Either you'll marry this girl or you'll move on," he says firmly. "At this point, you should be looking for every single thing about her that could jeopardize this relationship. Marrying the wrong person will destroy you."
A dull, bitter feeling settles in my chest then. "Why're you telling me all this now?"
He frowns, unhanding me. "Excuse me?"
"You barely come home as it is. Why does whoever I hang out with even matter to you now?"
"Normally I wouldn't mind who it is you're running 'round the city with. But considering that you're clearly keeping secrets from me, I've a right as your father to be a little suspicious."
God damn it all. He's right.
Stupid, overemotional, mentally handicapped little freak. No use delaying it any more. You got into this mess and now you have to reap everything you've sown. Why can't you just tell him?
Because I have a bad, bad feeling of what might happen if I do. But then again, this feeling being there at all...
Doesn't it mean I shouldn't have gotten in a relationship with Kana to begin with? "She has a daughter."
Dad pauses. He doesn't let anything show. "A daughter."
"N-not...," I sigh, "not mine."
"Not yours?"
"She had a prior relationship. Many years ago. Didn't pan out right."
He raises his brow and folds his arms. "How old?"
"Three," I mutter. "Turned three earlier this February."
He doesn't respond for a time. For a long time. "This is why you decided to help her study."
"Yes."
"Leave her."
What the hell. Damn it. Plead. "She's a good person. She's a hard worker. She's smart when she wants to be and she's not a liar, nor stuck up nor pretentious-"
"Son."
"Kana's a good Mom, and Masako's a good kid!"
"But this Masako isn't yours."
"This isn't what you think it is."
"Do you even realize what you're risking by doing this?"
"Yes, but-"
"Your career. Your reputation. Your social standing. Don't you see?"
Oh, really. Really. You're lecturing me on this? "Your career, reputation, or social standing didn't seem to matter when you and Mom had me."
He closes his eyes for a good long while, then his gaze turns firm and harsh. "Don't bring your mother into this."
"Why shouldn't I?"
"This discussion is over."
I purse my lips.
"I don't want to be without her," is all I say.
And my father shakes his head, "You'll have to be."
I am stunned. "What...?"
"You'll go on your date, fine," he grunts, "but you'll part ways with her tonight. Do you understand?"
No, no, no. "She and I have already-"
"You have too much to lose."
I grit my teeth. "Dad."
"I'm not asking."
Then he turns away from me. And I stand there. And I am scared again. I then grab my bag and rush out the door.
My first and last date with Kana has to at least go well.
.
.
.
The knuckles and metacarpal bones in my right hand are all but destroyed, and any attempt I make at moving my bloodied fingers results in pain blasting out to the rest of my arm.
There's steel cuffed round my wrists, the chain locked to a pole in the center of the table. My shirt, my white shirt with blue sleeves, it's stained red as well.
The room is a dark gun-metal grey and there is a reflective window to my right. I am in a police station. What am I doing here? I can't remember. What was I doing last? Studying? No. Not studying, it's Christmas, why would I be studying on Christmas? There's something I should be doing. What day is it today? A Friday? Saturday? No, Friday. Friday. No other day.
What am I supposed to be doing on Friday? I shouldn't be here, I should be somewhere else. Why can't I remember where to go? No. I remember now. Kana. Me. Destiny Land. She and I. Together, hanging out like we're supposed to.
What am I doing here?
I should be on a ferris wheel with her. I should be eating cotton candy with her. I should be doing all sorts of amazing things. Why am I not with her? Where is she? I am scared. I do not know what to do or where to go or what's become of her why is there blood on my hands and my clothes—
A door opens. I try forcing my hands up to no avail. Cuffs are tight because of course they are, what are you thinking trying to get out of them through force alone, and a man sits down across from me. The man has brown hair that cascades down to his shoulders and dark brown eyes that glow in the dim lighting of the interrogation room and he looks about my age. He is wearing a brown overcoat of sorts and with a black-gloved hand he places a folder on the table.
"Please calm down," he says, pulling up a seat. "Acting all rabid won't help your chances."
My voice is no louder than a whisper when I ask, "What am I doing here...?"
"You don't know?" he asks, incredulous. He leans a bit closer. "Or...you don't remember?"
"Remember what...?"
"It'd make sense," he murmurs to himself, "the officers responsible for your arrest said you required an...inordinate amount of force to apprehend you..."
"What happened, what did I do?" I ask him. "Please. Tell me. What did I do...?"
He looks at me intently, exhaling in something like pity, "So you really don't remember." I shake my head, to which he leans back in his seat. "Very well; allow me to introduce myself first. My name is Goro Akechi. I'm a detective. I came here because-"
"What happened? Why am I here? Where's Kana?"
"Kana Kohaku is in this station," says Akechi, his tone cautious. "Can you recall anything from what happened? It was just a few hours ago. Please. For your own good, you need to tell me what happened."
"My own good...?" I stammer out.
"You very nearly killed a man," he sighs, pulling out a photograph of a bloody swiss army knife, from the aforementioned folder. "Is this yours?"
It takes me a moment before I realize what I'm looking at. "Yes, yes, my father—he gave me that knife in case I needed to...defend myself..."
"What happened? How did things come to this?" is all he asks.
"I...I don't...," I mutter as I clutch my head. "I don't remember, it's, it's all a blur, I don't know, I don't know...what did I even...?"
Akechi then says, "You brutally assaulted a man today; it's unlikely he'll survive his wounds. You need to get your side of the story straight first and foremost, or else there'll be hell to pay. Tell me your account of what happened."
"I...I was...getting ready for..."
"Ready for what?"
Red on my hands. Red on my hands. Red on my shirt. Bloodstains like food coloring. Red. Red. The color red. Scarf. Someone wearing a scarf, someone beautiful and impossible and someone I don't want to be without, "I was on a date."
.
.
.
The night is young. Kana and I are going to head out to an amusement park.
I push my father's words to the back of my mind and I am telling myself to stay calm, because at least tonight, I'll have her all to myself.
I am wearing the most casual clothes I've got and I'm hoping I look good without my glasses on. And as I am walking down the street I wonder what Kana will wear to our little get-together, wonder what rides we should get on first, what kind of games would be there, what food they would serve.
But then I hear a sound as I stop. I am supposed to meet up with Kana at her place and from there we're supposed to go to the station and ride the night away at Destiny Land like stupid hapless teenagers. I am on the correct street, though I am about nearly twenty minutes late.
We were supposed to meet up at around 8:00 PM. Due to the talk I had with my father, I am...more than a little delayed. But I'm hoping she's still waiting for me.
But once I turn around the corner, and hit the road leading towards Kana's house, I hear a man and two women arguing. The man's voice is completely unfamiliar to me, but I recognize the women; I recognize them all too well.
The older and black-haired woman, she's just staring at the situation like a deer in headlights; her hands shake and shudder but Kana's mother does nothing more but scream and beg and plead.
Kana is standing between her and the man screaming at them, trying to get him away from her, away from the both of them—shouting Leave my mother alone!
The man is tall and bald and wears a basic but nonetheless fancy suit. He's shambling like he's drunk and his voice certainly sounds slurred, but there's a viciousness in the things he says and the threats he makes— You think you people are worth all this trouble!? he laughs, he laughs so smugly and so violently, Can't even stand the sight of you whores.
The man is growling things at Kana and she's trying to get away from him, he's laughing and snickering and his face is all red from the liquor but he's still tall and strong and clearly not in his right mind. He's grabbing her arm he's saying all sorts of things to Kana, whispering in her ear.
I am running to Kana and I see the man and I need him to get off of her, he can't be anywhere near her, he's not supposed to do this to her, Kana's begging for help, Kana's screaming now but her mother is basically in shock so she does nothing, no one does anything, no one is willing to help her but me and she's getting hurt—she's aggravated at the man and she's trying to push him off of her, away from her, but he won't listen now he's grabbing her by her wrists and he's pushing her into an alleyway and she's screaming and screaming and begging for help as she's kicking and doing all she can to get away from his grip—
.
.
.
"The victim is Masayoshi Shido," says Goro Akechi, unveiling a photograph from the folder he brought with him. "He is somewhat popular among the people and had connections to several different organizations all over Japan.."
And then my eyes widen, and I say, "Did I...kill him...?"
He looks at me, and he purses his lips as he says, "No. But...I would say you came rather close. Do you know why your mouth is bloody?"
I lift my hand to my mouth and I realize it is wet and I'm tasting iron. My tongue and my teeth are drenched in dried blood and I don't know why and I am scared again. I am wondering how this could be and I am shaking again and I can't help it anymore I have to know "What did I do to him?"
He cringes, "Do you really want to know...?"
"What did I do?" I ask, my hands shaking and aching and throbbing. "Please, I...I need to...what did I do...?"
He folds his arms and closes his eyes, "Your hand hurts, doesn't it? Meaning you gave the kind of punches you don't think about before you throw. There are bite marks on Shido's face, specifically
his right cheek, and the bites were strong enough to tear out considerable portions of skin. And the back of his head," he shakes his own head as he says, "I don't think I should say any more than what I have already."
"I think I'd remember doing all that," I scoff.
"I'd say you were in a fugue state," he says. "Assuming you're telling the truth, that is." I look up at him, horrified at what he just said, but he continues on, "I know how cruel that must sound and how terrifying this must be. With what you've told me, you may be sent to a psychiatric ward and at worst, you'll probably do time in juvie. So you have to keep on remembering. Shido's not exactly a major politician, but he still has enough connections to put you and your family at a loss. You have to know the stakes."
What have I done. What have I done. This is all happening so fast and I don't know how to stop it. Dad. Kana. Masako. What can I do? Am I dreaming? Is this all just some nightmare? This can't be. Before tonight I hadn't even thrown a punch.
This makes no sense at all. But I close my eyes regardless, I think back to just earlier in the evening, hoping to recall just what I did to this Masayoshi Shido person and wanting to believe my own innocence.
"Oh no," I say to Akechi. "I remember."
"You do...?" Akechi asks. "Please, do your best to recall. It may be difficult, but it's necessary."
"I...I...was walking down the road, I was supposed to meet with a friend, we were, we were going to Destiny Land together and I and then—and then I saw him. And I..."
.
.
.
—and before I know it I hear the man screaming, and I feel a chunk of meat in my mouth.
I am in the alleyway with him and Kana and my hands are throbbing. Red is running down the side of his face as he's screaming madly and painfully and horrifically. My hands are covered in blood and I'm grabbing Kana by her own hand and pulling her out of the alleyway as the man shambles out. He's gripping at the sides of the walls and he's looking at me and Kana and the way
he's looking you wouldn't think he's drunk because not even drunk people could fill as much hate in their eyes as he does.
He's calling us brats and he's proclaiming how he'll sue, I get in front of Kana and thrust my arm out to guard her from the drunk man but the man slaps me aside. The force of the hit is enough to send me down and away from Kana and all I can think about is why is no one helping why is nobody helping why is no one coming out of their houses to help us—
I think of grabbing my phone and doing the right thing and calling 110 to get the police over here as quickly as they can, so I dial the number and I call and I stammer and I tell them that my girlfriend and I are being attacked but then I see the man grabbing Kana by the neck, grasping her in a chokehold as he slaps her once across her face, aggravated and enraged and screaming like a madman—
Kana's mother smacks one of her shoes across his face and from his screams the heel's undoubtedly hit one of his eyes. Kana immediately gets out of his grip and runs into the arms of her mother and he's screaming more and more bloody murder—
And then I sink the knife into his leg.
Immediately he collapses to the ground kneeling, he whirls around to face me and tries to throw a punch but he's drunk and his leg's injured so the instant he swings he just ends up landing face- first in the ground. He swears he'll kill us, he'll learn our names and have us sold off to some human trafficker, let us be used and abused until our bodies run dry—
And I just want him to shut up so I kick him in the face and do so many more things to his eyes, his nose, his teeth, the gaping hole where one of his cheeks used to be, I slam his head over and over again in the concrete because he just keeps screaming, he keeps screaming and I want him to stop I need him to stop, I keep telling him to stop but he won't—
By the time I can see again, his face is covered in welts and bruises and my right hand's got a tooth stuck in one of its destroyed fingers. Police sirens ring out into the night, and two officers loom over me. Blood pools down from the back of Shido's head, and from every gaping hole in his deformed face.
Why does Kana look at me the way she does?
.
.
.
Goro Akechi does not know what to say. His hand is shaking and his eyes are wide and he's trying so desperately to keep himself steady.
I then put a hand to my head as I finally fully realize, "It was like a dream...it was like...almost like I was somewhere else. You're sure I didn't kill him?"
"Doctors say he's lucky to even be alive. He's suffered considerable amounts of brain damage and, if he ever awakens from his coma, is unlikely to be fully functional ever again."
"Dear God," is all I can manage out. "What'll happen to me...?
"You have a chance at surviving court," Akechi says suddenly, nodding. "Don't worry."
"H-how...? Once info of this gets out..."
"Kana Kohaku, Asami Kohaku, and you were the only three people at the scene of the incident.
By the time bystanders arrived on-scene and officers dropped by, Masayoshi Shido was already bleeding," Akechi replied, rising from his seat and moving over to me. Placing his own hand on my shoulder. "Like I said earlier, you're likely going to be let off on self-defense. You and the Kohakus all gave the same story, giving credence to your claim that you attacked Shido to defend yourself and her."
"Kana, Kana where is she what's happened to her—?"
"She is fine," Akechi says, staring at me intently. "I told you already, she's in the station. You're panicking."
"He was hitting her and he wouldn't stop, if I didn't do a thing he would have—I can't go to jail, she has a daughter, I can't leave her I can't leave her behind not after what—"
"You'll gain sympathy with the jury," Akechi then replies, his tone assuring and warm. "You were defending your friend from a sexual assault. If my hunch is right, your case will end up just like those who were let off. You must stay calm."
"I...I...," I stammer and I shake and I put my head in my hands. I do not want to look at him anymore.
Akechi says, "Your father and your lawyers will arrive shortly. My job here is done. In my eyes I see that you are innocent, despite the brutality you displayed. The jury will only find you guilty if they have no conscience."
And soon enough my thoughts turn spiteful and indignant. "Her mother...?"
"She is here, too. Apparently she had attempted to flee from his car after some false accusations about money laundering, before her daughter and you came around. With luck, she'll be willing to testify your case. Seeing as you're underage, your identity will be kept secret. Though, considering the ramifications of this kind of case...that might be a little more difficult than usual."
I can't help but ask him: "Will they be okay?"
But as he puts his hands on the knob of the door, he says, "You won't leave them behind. You will see them again. That is a promise."
And he leaves me in my chair. Leaves me to myself.
And I realize something strange, something frightening, something horrific as I sit in my chair with my head in my hands and the smell of iron in the air of the room. I realize that my heart is not beating as quickly as it is out of fear. Something else.
I nearly puke all over the table right then and there, because for all the blood I've spilt and all the things I did to this Masayoshi Shido, the one thing I cannot deny is that despite everything that happened. Seeing him there, him and his butchered face, quieted and screaming, getting punched so hard his teeth were getting stuck in my hand...
It felt good.