Entry #1123
I've always had these really vivid dreams. Some were frightening; some were adventurous; some were pleasant; and many were banal. The very first one that I can recall, I was not quite able to get myself out of my crib (though, I certainly did not stop trying). I likely had dreams before that, but it is the first one that I still somewhat remember.
In this dream, I saw two adults looking down into my crib. Well, not my crib, but my crib in my dream. (I guess that would make it a "dream crib?" I'll just put "dream-" in front of anything that fits.) Anyway, I didn't have the ability to do anything as my dream-self. I mean, I moved and spoke, but it wasn't me doing it. It was such a weird sensation to be there and not there. And the people… They were different from the people I knew. Or rather, I felt I knew them in the dream. But I don't remember what they looked like — just that I felt safe, and I seemed happy they were looking at me.
They were talking about eyes, and I was curious. I still remember a small piece of a conversation they had. It was something like:
Male blob: "Does our child not have red eyes?"
Female blob: "Yes, but I already asked about it and am told it is rare—but not unheard of— at this age."
Male blob: "But the red is part of our family lineage..."
Female blob: "I think she looks just as cute with green eyes." Then the female blob added quite sternly to the male blob something like, "Right, Papa?"
Male blob: "I mean, of course, she is ours so how could she not be? I just hope her powers turn out to be..."
And then I woke up.
Not too interesting, right? Yet that strong feeling of comfort and safety and warmth emanating from the dream-blobs left an impression on me even now as an adult.
I continued to have such dreams my whole life. Sometimes the dreams were of things that I knew to be impossible (like having magical powers). Other times, they were so banal that it was ridiculous, like attending a class on calculating magical energy expenditure and how to keep a room clean through the use of magic.
Who wants to dream about cleaning? And who would waste something as amazing as magic on housekeeping?
Actually, my dreams often featured magic, and people seemed to think my dream-self was pretty good at it.
As I got older, many of my dreams were quite vivid and left similarly strong impressions that I still carry with me. I remember one where I got to go outside to practice in an area that my parents had set up for me. My dream-self was pretty good at something I knew to be called "levity," which was to influence the path of something by pushing, pulling or lifting even at a distance without touching it. I practiced throwing small pebbles and tried to get them to a target on the other side of the practice area. I was only supposed to practice while being supervised, but since no one was around…
It was then that I heard someone cough.
I turned to see a young boy about the same age as my dream-self, with silver hair and purple eyes. He truly looked like someone from a fantasy world anime cosplay. I kept thinking Ben would absolutely love this!
But the cosplay boy was just staring at me and what I was doing. I stared back wondering what to do now that I had been caught. Should I pretend and tell him it is all just a dream and he was napping somewhere? I mean, to me, it was just a dream, so maybe it was for him, too?
Eventually, the cosplay boy broke the staring match with, "Uhm…What was that?" he asked innocently. "Are you doing magic?"
"Is this magic?" I asked, pretending to be confused as I scrambled to think of a better response. And then I realized it was the first time that I was able to make my dream-self say anything.
Then the purple-eyed cosplay boy started to rapidly tell me everything in his little head that he knew about magic. And it was…. Lengthy. But I couldn't help smiling and getting drawn in. He said magic was already everywhere and really amazing. He wanted to learn, too. I didn't know what to say, so I just told him I'd show him more later. I figured it was a fun dream, so why not? I really just wanted to see what else I could make my dream-self do.
However, the purple-eyed cosplay boy would not leave my side. Eventually, he offered — as a trade — to teach me how to pretend a stick was a sword. I couldn't help laughing at how silly it all was.
Yet, the purple-eyed, kind of cute, cosplay boy was often in my more pleasant dreams. Sometimes, we were reading books while sipping tea. It was really like something out of a Shojou manga! Other times, we were sparring with wooden sticks. As I wrested more and more control over my dream-self, I came to know that the (probably could be described as handsome) boy was "Callum."
As I was able to move and speak in my dream-self body a little better as I got older, I could interact with him more. He was able to call me Viv instead of my dream-name, and I could call him Cal. Like my awake-self, both Cal and my dream-self both found pleasure in reading and learning as much as we could about lots of things. We often exchanged books between us in the same setting once we got to certain parts. It made it easier to discuss later without giving any spoilers. He didn't know what spoilage had to do with reading, but he liked it after I explained it to him.
My awake-mother told me that she'd sometimes find me sleepwalking and performing strange tasks. As with a dream, I was never there for very long. The longest one… Well, my dreams weren't just places or situations or even people. They were wrapped in emotions and wonder and curiosity. Of course, they were not all pleasant. There were also a lot of nightmares.
The worst sleepwalking incident happened when I was only eight years old. I found myself a few blocks away before I woke up. I felt like I had to get away from someone or something and that I couldn't get my hands to stop glowing. I knew I couldn't explain what happened in the dream to anyone. But… I will always remember that dream.
In it, I woke up in my dream-bed and looked around. My dream-parents were nowhere in sight. I was in the dream-house (maybe not a house so much as a manor?). The manor was so often in my dreams that I was able to navigate it pretty well.
This particular night, my dream-self got it in my head that I wanted to go practice more magic that would really be best to see at night. I was excited because I wanted to go outside of the house and see what it was like at night. I hadn't been outside at night while I was dreaming before—and this was a chance for me to see more.
My dream-self attempted to quietly tip-toe down the stairs and out of the front door. Despite the occasional creaking of the wood underneath my feet, my dream-self was pleased to make it all the way to the door without anyone stopping me.
The first thing that I noticed was that the sky was lit only with the ambient light of the three different-sized moons forming almost a triangle. I couldn't take my eyes off of the sky as I stepped out of the door, down the front steps, and onto a piece of gravel in front of the manor. That's when I realized that gravel hurt bare feet—and I really felt it. I dropped down on the ground and removed all of the gravel that was attached to the soft soles of my feet.
As I was brushing it off and thinking about how long it would take to grab my shoes, I heard a rustling sound and some wood snapping. I turned toward where I thought the sound came from and tried to see if anything was there. I only saw shadows that melted into complete darkness. I leaned forward as if that would help me to see more…
…and then one of the shadows moved.
It not only moved, but it seemed to get taller. I covered my mouth and scrambled to get back inside the house. A big arm curled around my waist and lifted me off of the ground, took me back inside, and closed the door. I could tell by the feel and his familiar scent that it was my dream-dad.
A few moments later, I heard the sound of footsteps and the movement of the door knob. My dream-dad motioned for me to go back upstairs. I was able to make out a stern face in what little light there was. When he set me down, I looked at him one more time as he pointed to the stairs. So I ran back to my room and climbed into my wardrobe closet where I felt I would be safe.
My dream-mother came into the room immediately after. She told me to stay inside no matter what I heard and try not to make a sound. I nodded and secured the closet door before scrunching into the corner. As I heard more noises from below, I became more frightened.
Then the noises stopped. I waited in the closet and listened for any movement, any sound. But it stayed quiet. Still, I waited for another hour or so more.
Finally, I left the closet and saw terrible things. The more I looked around the angrier I got. A faint light started to glow and I first thought someone was coming. I searched for its origin until I realized the glow was coming from me.
I tried to find something to cover it up so whomever… would not find me by seeing the glow. But the more scared I became, the brighter the glow grew until there were distinct patterns of light glowing on my hands and arms. With them came a feeling like nervousness or "butterflies in my stomach" that got stronger and stronger until I found myself screaming.
Then I woke up in my real life. Outside. On a different street. I had been sleepwalking again, and I still felt like I had to get away from something. I just knew that a shadow was going to move even in my real world. So I ran home.
That was the night that I found out my father had died on the job in an explosion.
After that, I was sick in bed with a fever for three days. Every day someone visited and said something like, "Vivian, don't you think we should go to the doctor?"
And I remember thinking bitterly something like: People. I'm a kid. How am I even supposed to make that judgment call?
All I knew was that I was terrified in my dream, and I did not want to fall asleep again. Of course, sleep won out. And my dream-self continued to experience more and more scary moments. Then, I did not dream about that place for a while.
Still, I sometimes got up and slept in my closet, then snuck back into bed in the morning before anyone noticed. But every time I woke in the middle of the night, I had that stomach butterfly feeling and checked my arms to see if they were glowing. It was a few more years before I had another vivid dream that changed me so profoundly.
After all these years, I finally pieced together what I saw that night. I was there. It was real. And you were never alone.
—End of entry
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Ally's Journal ~27~
Woke. Was dressed. Wanted to go to the market alone. Heard about a book from an old friend in a letter. It may interest both of us.
Cal-who-was-not-invited, waited outside of my door. He tried to dress like an average person going to the market. I almost laughed.
Head Guard Kel was shiny. He tried to dress like a lesser private security escort. I did laugh.
Cal-who-was-not-invited explained he wanted to test a new security protocol so we could go to the market more without worries. Cal does not like it when I set things on fire in public.
I told Cal-who-was-not-invited I only wanted to order a book. He responded: Exactly.
If you read it before me, do not write about it in the journal. A whole volume of Apothecary Diaries became less enjoyable when you did. I will always remember.
That is all.
—End of entry