"You're no longer worthy of loving him. Think about him for a moment; if you love him so much, you must leave him to a pure girl."
A lump formed in my stomach, a mass of my heavy, hurtful feelings descending with their force. It hurt... it hurt so much... but Lorea knew better than I did. She was more beautiful, stronger, and more intelligent...
She came to take me in her arms like we used to when we were children. She who had always been my friend, my maid, before she was my sister. She in whom I had always seen the light at the end of the tunnel and who already comforted me when Mom scolded me.
"Even if he doesn't want you anymore, Ederra, I will always be near you because I love you."
"I don't know anymore... I love you so much too, but... I'm lost."
"I'm going to explain to him and tell him to leave this house forever. You'll never have to feel defiled again...in the end, he's just as guilty as you, he touched you too, he agreed to take you when you were wrong..."
My eyes widened, my sockets bloodshot and my tears turning pink against my irritated skin.
Yes, it wasn't entirely my fault...but even so, I couldn't blame him. I loved him far too much for that. I would have died for him...
If I was of such low virtue now, it was my mistake, not his...and he didn't have to pay for me. I had to tell him to leave and not dwell on it. Lorea stroked my head as I slowly made my decision, much stronger than me and a comforting support, she said kindly:
"Don't tire yourself out, my beloved sister. I'll tell him myself; you won't need to see him and suffer anymore. I'll also tell him how much you love him."
"You'd go that far for me? Really?" I hugged her tightly, my arms around her waist, this time crying tears of love for her.
"Of course, I'm your sister. What good would I be if I wasn't there the moment you made a mistake? I have to help you explain things, like when you broke that vase and I went to tell your mother while you were cleaning it up."
"Oh, Lorea, I'm so glad you survived with me. What would I have done without you? I'm just an idiot who doesn't understand anything... I'd probably be dead by now..."
As promised, Lorea went to talk to Behean as soon as she woke up. She stayed in his room for a good hour. I was terrified, so I covered my ears in mine. I was so afraid he'd call me impure or a whore that I preferred to cover my ears
In truth, I didn't know that that day she had told him a completely different version of the story, not even including me in the events. I had indeed done something wrong, but she made my actions her own and placed all the blame on Behean, telling him he had to take responsibility if she was pregnant.
"You weren't feeling well, I wanted to help you because my sister was scared to see you in such a bad way, but on impulse you jumped on me... I was so scared and it hurt so much, then you fell asleep and I was able to free myself from your grasp. Unfortunately, I've come back to reality, I'm a woman just like Ederra, I'm also of childbearing age. What if I get pregnant too? Now I'm so scared... what if my child... I have no money, I'm only 13 years old, how am I supposed to raise a child? I have no servants or anything, I only have my sister who will turn her back on me when she finds out this child is yours, Behean." That day, he ran from the house in tears He was 18, already Duke of Odola, but he still cried. I couldn't let him run away like that, so I opened the window to apologize, but...nothing came out, my throat was sealed shut. He caught my gaze, turning to look at me in terror, unable to greet me. I was so terrible that he wouldn't even look at me anymore... I hated myself so much, I was so disappointed in myself. I had managed to destroy more than two years of pure love in a single night...Lorea was right, I was a sinner unworthy of him.
"I have found a way to save your honor and the honor of the Beste family at the same time. But you must do as you say, Ederra. It is for the best; you will have a long and fulfilling life, you will be far from the chaos of the big city, and you will forget all the harm you have done to Behean."
Lorea's plan was clear: she was sending me alone in a carriage to marry someone I had never seen. I had never been separated from her; it was very hard to leave her. We shared many tears, but what I was doing was for both of us. As the eldest and a sinner, I had to wash away this affront. I had sullied the name of my deceased parents and my beloved sister; I had to take responsibility for my actions and dedicate my life to repentance...
I cried a lot on the journey, lonely and sickly. For three weeks I had been drowning in utter grief. She had told me I was going to leave the Beste home to go north of Sarrera two long weeks ago, and since then I had done nothing but fear. Yet I was going to get married while being ritually impure; it was the chance of a lifetime.
He was a good man who had already lived a full life but had no descendants because they had all perished in the war. He needed a new, robust descendant, so he needed a young woman like me. Even though I wasn't in the best constitution and was already past my prime, he had decided to take me as his wife anyway and thus restore my reputation. He was a good and upright man; I had no reason to be sad. I vomited several times during the journey because of the jolting, the stress, and my fragile body. Far from presentable, my hair was a mess, and my dress was stained with mud because it had rained, and the ground was muddy in the countryside where my future husband lived. I arrived in front of a country manor, exhausted, my eyes glazed...
Would I really be able to make it?
I was already having trouble standing.
A tall man, thin and with features drawn by age, opened the door. So... this was the man I was going to live with. He frightened me greatly; I wanted to go home. I gave him an awkward bow.
"Thank you for agreeing to take me as your wife, Count Gorra. My name is... Ederra Beste, eldest of the Beste family and... I... I-..."
"That's enough. Be concise and stand up straight in the future."
His voice was dry and harsh... more like a schoolmaster's than a husband's. My eyes were full of tears, and I fought back tears as I nodded. He asked me to follow him to a room with only a bed and a small wardrobe. There was no rug, no mirror. It was a very rustic house for a count.
"The Beste marquisate once ran a monastery. It must be in your genes to be content with little."
"...I've never been stingy... I... can..."
He grabbed my wrist suddenly, twisting my skin. His gaze was that of a torturer, not a man. I couldn't help but cry when I passed him, all my anxiety finally overflowing in a torrent of tears.
"In this house, there are rules! In this house, we don't talk just for the sake of talking! I speak and you obey. I don't want to hear any excuses. You do things right, period. That's you! And don't expect any compliments! No tears here either! Crying only happens because you want it, but it won't soften me. You're just wasting energy, my dear!"
He abruptly left the room, leaving me to collapse. My wrist was red and ached... it was the hand I painted with...
Would I at least be able to paint here? If I wasn't allowed to speak or cry... couldn't he at least let me have this little thing?
The wedding was quick, in everyday clothes, in the nearest church. There were no guests; the two of us had no family left, and my sister was too young to make the trip.
My wedding night... I never thought I'd endure such suffering. I thought it was all love, but that perverse act that had caused me to lose Behean was now torture. It hurt, it disgusted me, and it made me dread having a child. How could I survive a child? I couldn't even survive a night with my husband... it was too much effort, and I always ended up fainting. The next day, even if I couldn't walk, I was dragged out of bed and had to work. There were no maids in that house. I was used to it because I had lived for three and a half years without parents or servants, all of whom had died of smallpox. Only, I hadn't thought I would have to do so much more work here because he always demanded more and more. He mistreated me, exhausted me, asked for more...more...more...
I jumped after bumping into the table and knocking over the vase of flowers. I was trying to clean the ashes from the fireplace, but my back hit the table leg. I'd only been married for three days, I hadn't slept a single night because of his nightly demands for marital duties, and I was already making mistakes that brought back memories of my childhood when Mother and Lorea were still there to support me and gently scold me.
"Did you break this vase?"
I started to tremble, the bruises on my wrist still hadn't disappeared. I picked up the shards of glass with my fingertips, frozen by the early winter chill and damp from the laundry I had just done.
"I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to..."
He came closer, crushed the broken glass with his shoes, and told me to stand up. I was truly frightened for a reason I didn't know.
"In this house, we're meticulous. We don't break anything, we're clean. Look at you. A slob. I told you to work, not to turn yourself into a servant."
I wanted to tell him that this was what he wanted me to be... unfortunately, I didn't have the strength of mind to stand up to an authority like him
"Turn around and lift your dress."
It was the first time in my life I had been punished with violence. I cried silently for several hours, the skin on my legs lacerated by the blows of the cane he had given me to make me learn my lesson.
It was probably effective in preventing deviant behavior from happening again, but I would never have broken a vase of my own free will, so this kind of treatment was pointless.