We were already past the gate, standing in the front yard. With Liz carefully guiding my hand along the path, we pushed forward through the heavy snow left behind by yesterday's storm. The town only cleared the streets and roads, so of course residents had to clear their own homes. From that alone, it was obvious Mom hadn't left the house in a long time.
With every step I took, my heart faltered, deepening my fear of a future I couldn't yet imagine. I pushed my questions down deep, desperate to keep up a proper facade and carry the worry by myself. I wanted to keep my emotions in check—not to seem too excited, not to seem too upset—but I had already failed at both, because Liz chuckled softly as we pressed deeper into the snow.
"You seem really excited."
"No… No— I'm not. I just…"
Her soft chuckle turned into a quiet laugh as she gripped my hand tighter, steadying me as we reached the stairs. And that's when the odor hit me. The suffocating odor I hadn't noticed until then.
Was that what that man was talking about?
Even Liz gagged and stopped moving. She turned her head away and let go of my hand. I knew exactly how she felt, because I smelled it too. We had to be smelling the same thing—this indescribable stench, too much to bear—though it didn't affect us in quite the same way.
"Don—"
She gagged again and broke into a fit of coughing before taking my hand once more. "Just what is she doing in there?"
Liz took another step, and we reached the front door. The odor grew stronger, confirming that its source was indeed inside this very house. This house belonged to my mother, Mayu. And as Liz says, it also belonged to me.
"Can I open it?"
Liz, still fighting the urge to vomit, was surprised to see me so unbothered by the smell. At my request, she guided my hand to the doorknob and helped me turn it. The door creaked open as we let go, and the odor struck us full force, giving us no time to recover. Liz couldn't take it anymore—she ran back toward the snow and vomited repeatedly, as if her stomach were emptying all at once. I held onto the door, which swung forward under my weight, and waited for a long time. It wasn't that it didn't affect me; it was that I refused to believe it did. If Mom lived here and could bear this smell… then… then so could I.
"Do you—" she vomited again, choked by the smell still rolling over us in waves. "Do you want to call someone before we go in? Thi—This is a bad sign, ####."
I looked down toward feet I couldn't see, then back into the plain darkness of my vision, staring intently at the pale pink floating within it. "I want to see her today. I want to see Mom right now. If not me, then no one else can." I gripped the doorknob tighter and said, louder, "I need to see Mom, now!"
I knew I was acting like a child, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help this desire, this need to see Mom. The Mom in my world couldn't hold me the way she once did. The Mom in my world couldn't brush my hair the way she once did. The Mom in my world couldn't warm me the way she once did. And most of all, the Mom in my world had no feelings… as she once did.
"You're right… That's the least I owe you for all th—"
"Liz! You don't owe me anything!" I took a deep breath, the smell faintly seeping back into my senses. "You all refuse to see the real me! You all look at me like I'm some kind of special person! I know I'm blind! I know I'm weak! I know I'm a liability to you all, but… but I'm human too! I'm just like all of you! This is me! This is the real me! So why can't you… why can't you, of all people, see that?!"
I broke into tears, and the abnormal weight I had repressed until now crashed over me. My legs gave out and I fell to the cold wooden floor. My tears flowed without restraint. They exposed the self I never wanted Liz to see. I hated it. I hated this mouth for saying all the things I'd forced myself to keep in. I hated these eyes for shedding these tears, exposing to the outside world the feelings I'd meant to keep to myself.
In that tiny white room, unbeknownst to all, these feelings had grown beyond measure. Nursed and cared for by everyone. Praised and loved by people I hardly knew. Whispered from mouth to ear, into colors I had yet to become familiar with. 'Even though she's blind…' 'Even though she's weak…' 'Even though she's sick…' 'Even though she's incapable…' Even though this, even though that. How could I not develop these feelings? How could I—someone who could not live without relying on others—not feel so crushed, so weighed down, so… different?
"I'm sorry, Liz. That's not… that's not what I meant. You didn't do anything wrong."
Driven by guilt for unfairly unloading my emotions onto Liz, I forced myself up before she could reach me and stepped into the house. I heard her screaming my name as she fought against the smell rushing out even stronger, but I had to do this myself. Step by step, I dove deeper into the darkness, guided by the horrendous stench permeating the house. I stumbled over countless things—sometimes hard, sometimes soft objects I couldn't make out. Liquid spilled from them, and the wood beneath my boots creaked, as if it were on its last legs. But every time I fell, I got back up. I needed to see Mom. I needed to see her today.
"####! ####! Come back! ####!"
She called my name over and over, but I was already too far in. I was too focused on keeping my legs steady and holding myself up. If it really was dangerous, I should be the only one in danger — not Liz. She had already done enough for me. I had been a burden to her for too long. I needed to do this by myself. Only then could I show them that I really am me, that I've really changed from the #### trapped in that tiny white room.
"####! Please! Please come back! Don't go in there!" I could hear her breath, strangled by the smell, growing heavier as she ventured in after me. "I know what's in there, ####! I know this smell! Don't! Please! Please, ####!"
My legs shook and my body trembled at her words, but even so… I had finally reached it—the source of the smell. I knew a door stood between me and it. I didn't need to see to know that beyond that door I would find what I was looking for. There it was, at the end of the long hallway I had crossed. Surely, then, I could see Mom. Past that door, past this physical wall stopping me. I would see the deep purple I had craved for so long.
"It's all my fault, ####! I took you in because I wanted to feel better myself! I was jealous of her! I was jealous of Mayu!"
My hands froze mid-motion as I reached for the doorknob. I knew Liz's sense of smell wasn't as sharp as mine, that she was still searching for the door, but her words… her words struck me.
Why was she jealous of Mom?
"From the first time I met you! I've always been jealous of Mayu! For having a child, for having someone she could give her all to!" I heard her footsteps running along the path I had taken. I knew she would soon turn into the hallway. "That's why I took you! That's why I seized the chance that day to take you in! Because I wanted to give you my all, too! Because I loved you!"
She was there now, behind me, at the other end of the hallway. She started walking toward me slowly; her footsteps echoed in this narrow hallway—abnormally narrow, or so I believed. "I wanted you for myself… I wanted a daughter to care for, to satisfy my craving. My desire to have someone rely on me. My desire to love someone with all my heart, someone I could call real family! Not like Steph! Not like him! It's because of him that our mother became crippled! It's because of him! He tore our family apart! All of it! That's why I can't consider him family anymore… that's why I can't take care of him anymore, but I can take care of you, ####. I can care for you. Because you love me too… don't you?"
I gripped the door tighter, and Liz stopped moving. The floating pink had darkened; it was shifting into a purple just as deep as Mom's. She was waiting for me to answer—I knew she was. And I knew what she meant.
That day, when I was still barely hovering between life and death… I told her, "I love you." It was Liz who heard it. Not Mom. But I had meant those words for Mom, not for Liz.
"I… I never loved you, Liz. You all took advantage of me in the hospital. You all hid the truth from me. You're all hypocrites. Every single one of you. All you're after is my dad; you don't care about me or Mom—"
"That's not true! I care about you! And I also—"
"Stop! Just stop lying! I can see it in your color! I can see it, Liz! I wish I didn't, but I do! It doesn't matter to me anymore. Mom was the only person who ever mattered to me. I'm grateful for everything you did for me, Liz, but just like you said… this isn't how I'm supposed to live. I want my own life with Mom. I want to do everything with her that I couldn't do before. I will get stronger— strong enough that Mom won't see suicide as the only way to save ourselves."
"####…"
"That's why, Liz… that's why I never loved you. And I never will."
I turned my back on Liz as she ran up to me, and pushed the door open. "You never really mattered all that much… to me."