I think I was in 7th or maybe 8th class.
I don't remember the exact year. I just remember the feeling.
It was one of those boring afternoons. Homework half done. Maths notebook open but untouched. Ceiling fan making that irritating ticking sound like it also didn't want to work.
I was lying on my stomach, scrolling.
Not looking for anything. Just scrolling.
And then… I stopped.
It wasn't even a proper video. Just a short clip. A few seconds. A fan edit.
A boy on the screen smiled softly and waved like he was looking directly at me.
The caption said:
"Seo Juhan from AURORA7 being boyfriend material for 30 seconds."
I rolled my eyes.
"Cringe," I muttered.
But I didn't scroll.
He wasn't doing anything dramatic.
He wasn't singing.
He wasn't dancing.
He just laughed at something off-camera and then awkwardly fixed his hair like he didn't know people were watching him.
And for some reason…
I replayed it.
Once.
Twice.
Five times.
I told myself I was just bored.
That's it.
It wasn't like I even knew AURORA7 properly. I couldn't name all the members. I didn't know their songs. I didn't watch full live videos. I didn't have money to buy albums or posters or anything like that.
I wasn't that type of fan.
I was just… curious.
That's what I told myself.
That night, instead of studying, I searched his name.
Seo Juhan.
The eldest member. Calm. "Visual." Good at cooking, apparently. Fans called him soft-hearted.
I watched random clips uploaded by other fans. I never clicked full videos. Data was limited. Internet was slow. And honestly, I didn't even care about full concerts.
I just liked those small moments.
The way he smiled.
The way he listened when someone else spoke.
The way he sometimes looked shy even though thousands of people were watching him.
It felt… comforting.
Like watching someone who didn't know I existed, but somehow still felt safe.
The next day in school, while my friends talked about exams and crushes in our class, I kept thinking about something stupid:
If I ever saw him in real life… what would I do?
Would I freeze?
Would I act normal?
Would I pretend I didn't care?
Or would I run like those fangirls in airport videos?
The thought made me laugh.
As if that would ever happen.
I was just Anshu.
A girl from a small city.
Who had never been to a concert.
Who didn't even own earphones half the time.
Who didn't know Korean.
Who didn't have money for merchandise.
And he was Seo Juhan.
A star.
From another country.
Living a life that looked like it belonged inside a screen, not in my world.
Still…
That night, before sleeping, I watched that same clip again.
Just once.
Okay, maybe three times.
And when I closed my eyes, I imagined something ridiculous.
Not dating him.
Not marrying him.
Just accidentally bumping into him somewhere.
Him saying, "Oh, sorry."
Me pretending I didn't recognize him.
Or maybe recognizing him and choosing to walk away.
In my imagination, I always had control.
In real life, I had nothing.
I didn't know it then, but that tiny, stupid reel…
Was the beginning of a two-year phase
I would never admit to anyone.
Not my friends.
Not my family.
Not even myself.
But it had already started.
And I had no idea how attached I was about to become.