Interlude ~ Operation "Amour."
It was a normal, unremarkable day in Chaldea.
At any other time, Deadpool would surely have been wandering the corridors looking for trouble, but today he was holed up in Ritsuka's bedroom, engrossed in video games with him.
"Hey, kid, I just wanted to ask just in case," Deadpool furiously waved the controller, almost tearing the buttons out by the root, and glanced at Ritsuka, who, unlike him, controlled his character calmly and focused.
"How far have you gotten with Mash?"
"Eh?!"
Ritsuka's concentration vanished in an instant at the sudden question. His fingers slipped off the buttons in his confusion, and as a result, the game ended with Deadpool's victory.
"Even if you really wanted to win," Ritsuka sighed, "confusing me with such questions is cheating."
He hoped the mercenary had just blurted it out for the sake of victory, without thinking. But the white gaze of Deadpool's mask, fixed on him, was extremely serious.
"I'm serious. You've been traveling through singularities together, surely there was 'this' and 'that' there... Or not?"
Ritsuka merely blushed deeply and remained silent.
Deadpool had felt that spark between them from their first meeting. If anyone knew, it was him – a man who had spent a year planning for children with his beloved woman and even survived a family brawl (?) with a cyborg husband from the future – he knew a thing or two about such matters.
"We... we don't have that kind of relationship..." Ritsuka mumbled.
He tried to deny it, but his face gave them away completely. And Deadpool didn't miss this moment.
"Well, yes, yes, your situation isn't the most romantic. But listen, even when humanity's survival is at stake, there should be... well, you know... a 'spark' between a guy and a girl! Haven't you even held hands in secret? Or maybe... accidentally pressed against each other?"
Frankly, recalling everything they had been through, Ritsuka himself understood: the bond that united him with Mash had long since gone beyond the usual Master and Servant contract.
"Anyway, whether it's like that or not, it doesn't matter. Listen... I was thinking..." Deadpool hesitated, as if making up his mind, but then confidently continued, "I can help. So, want some help?"
"What?"
Ritsuka tried to play dumb, but he perfectly understood the mercenary's intentions. He was always lurking nearby when he and Mash were alone. So, he decided to become a kind uncle-matchmaker.
"And... and how will you help?"
Deadpool, looking at the blushing Ritsuka, clicked his tongue with self-satisfaction.
"I, for one, had two love interests at once. One girl, another guy... but never mind. The point is, even though I always joke that this whole story is just a comedy or a gacha hell with no guarantee, I can't stand watching you two dally any longer."
Before arriving at Chaldea, Ritsuka was an ordinary teenager who barely interacted with girls. In matters of the heart, he was a complete novice – so much so that doubts arose whether it was normal at all.
"It's decided! Let's do it, we'll make you a canonical couple, Fuji-Mash!"
"Eh? Why specifically this way...?"
Ritsuka wanted things to proceed naturally, without outside interference, but Deadpool had already gotten fired up with the idea.
"In stories like these, 'shipping' is sacred! It all depends on the target audience. And the pair 'Gudao and Mash'... cuteness lovers will be delighted. After all, this game grew out of an otaku eroge! For the fans, we must have the audacity to draw a girl and claim she's a boy!"
He was spouting nonsense again. But one thing was clear: he sincerely wanted to get them together with Mash.
"So, come on, move closer."
Deadpool decided to skip the introduction and get straight to the point, whispering the plan for the upcoming operation to Ritsuka.
Meanwhile, Mash was walking down the corridor of Chaldea. She had just finished reading in the library and was heading to her room. Humming a cheerful melody, she suddenly stumbled upon three Servants blocking her path.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. H. El. Lo. Can. You. Drink. One?"
Andersen, with undisguised disgust on his face, read from a piece of paper. His acting was so terrible that it sent shivers down one's spine. He was clearly trying to "hit on" Mash.
"Haa... Do I really have to do this? Do you really think this antique will work?"
Unable to stand it, he turned to the corner of the corridor where someone was hiding and expressed his protest.
[Just! Damn! It! Play along! What kind of writer is this, can't even act properly!]
"Of course, I'm a writer, not an actor!" Andersen snapped back, completely turning away from Mash.
[Forget it! Next! Let's go!]
"Huh? Oh... Ahem-ahem. L-let's go with u-us, we'll eat s-something de-delicious. I p-promise, I'll b-be ve-very ni-nice."
This time, Avicebron, after clearing his throat, stared at his cheat sheet. His acting skills were at the same abysmal level as Andersen's.
[Someone kill me!] – a heavy sigh was heard from around the corner.
"And why are you forcing this on us?" Avicebron grumbled.
[Just... Ugh... Next!]
Seeing Avicebron's complete lack of enthusiasm, the hidden coordinator quickly passed on the turn.
"Hey, baby. Don't run away. I'll be your daddy-darling. What, you don't want to? Haha. Daddy has a lot of money. I'll feed you until you're full."
Overcoming his shame, Emiya delivered a performance in the style of a "tanned blond delinquent" from some low-quality doujinshi – exactly as Deadpool had asked. With his tanned skin and white hair, it looked frighteningly organic, earning admiration from the one hiding around the corner.
"Damn it. To drag me away from cooking for such clownery..."
Emiya was literally boiling with rage. If the mercenary hadn't promised him any weapon of his choice as a reward, he would never have agreed to this circus.
"Uh... gentlemen, what's going on?" Mash blinked in confusion, not understanding why these three were putting on such a ridiculous scene in front of her.
"L-let her go... let her go! Don't you dare touch Mash!"
At that moment, Ritsuka appeared behind Mash. His entrance was accompanied by "dramatic" special effects: someone aimed a spotlight at him and released a couple of pigeons. Apparently, the director had slightly mixed up the genres. With a trembling voice, the young man pointed at the three Servants.
"Haa... Wh-what? You. Who. Are. You. Get. Out. Of. He. Re."
"Wow, wh-what a-a brazen one. Yo-you ne-need to b-be taught a le-lesson!"
Andersen and Avicebron checked the next page of their cheat sheets and moved towards Ritsuka with threatening looks.
"Listen, bony one! Get lost while you're still whole. Tired of living?"
Emiya, who was the only one who got into character, even materialized his blades – Kanshou and Bakuya.
"Emiya... Emiya! Shh! Put away your weapon! It's a play! A play!" Ritsuka whispered, desperately signaling with his eyes for him to hide the swords.
"Ah."
Emiya came to his senses. He had gotten so carried away with the role of the "white-haired delinquent" that he had almost crossed the line, and immediately recalled his blades.
[Ah, whatever... Just... Moving on to the third act!]
At the command from around the corner, the three Servants lunged at Ritsuka.
"I-i-i-yah-ap!"
"Oops!"
Andersen swung his fist so slowly that it was impossible not to dodge. Ritsuka was supposed to dodge picturesquely and strike back, but, sharply turning, he lost his balance and fell forward.
"Oof! Aaaah!"
Although contact wasn't made, Andersen, true to the script, clutched his face and feigned a fall from a crushing blow. Even though Ritsuka hadn't touched him...
"Ta-take that!"
Avicebron delivered a kick, still mangling his words. Ritsuka was supposed to intercept the leg and take him down, but instead, while falling, he accidentally wrapped his arms around Avicebron's waist.
"Uh..."
"Hmm..."
An awkward pause hung between them for a moment.
Ritsuka, deciding to go all in, tightened his grip on his waist and, with his last strength, pulled upwards.
"This wasn't in the pla...!"
Avicebron didn't get to finish – he was slammed into the floor with a crash. Ritsuka's German suplex was so perfect that the Servant immediately lost consciousness.
"Master! Rhythm! Watch the rhythm!"
It was Emiya's turn. As the most experienced "actor," he lunged at Ritsuka to at least make the final fight look realistic.
"A-and i-i-yah-ap!"
Ritsuka, burning with shame, threw his fist forward. But at that moment, his legs completely tangled, he tripped and fell directly onto Emiya.
"Master!"
The stunned Emiya didn't have time to react before he collapsed on the floor under the Master's weight. And then a characteristic "smack" sound was heard, and his lips felt a strange sensation.
"Ah..."
"Eh?"
The culprit of this touch was Fujimaru Ritsuka. His own Master. Emiya, unable to comprehend what had happened, blushed like a poppy, jumped up, almost throwing Ritsuka aside, and frantically wiped his mouth.
"...Ma... Mash! Consider this as if it never happened. I'm leaving..."
His gait became wooden from shock, and he hastily disappeared, abandoning this ridiculous circus.
"That's it, I wash my hands of this! Never again! What an idiot I was to think these talentless people would make decent actors! God, I'm going to explode!!"
"Mister Pool?"
When the plan had completely gone to ruin, Deadpool jumped out from behind the corner, took off the beret he had inexplicably acquired, and began stomping on it in fury.
"To hell with the role of the kind uncle! Figure it out yourselves! Hold hands, grab breasts, I don't care!"
Having said this, Deadpool left in anger.
"Well, I'm going too," Andersen grumbled.
"Master," Avicebron said, coming to his senses, "next time, do the suplex more technically. I almost turned into a golem myself. Goodbye..."
Soon, the corridor was empty. Only Ritsuka remained, lying on the floor with his face in his hands from unbearable shame, and Mash, who silently looked down at him.
Later, rumors spread throughout Chaldea that the red-clad Servant and the black-haired Master had kissed passionately. Da Vinci and Emiya then scoured the corridors for a long time with the clear intention of strangling Deadpool.
Deadpool, sensing danger, tried to escape Chaldea to the Antarctic wasteland, where he was later found in deep freeze.
"– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – …"
Were you expecting cute moments between Gudao and Mash?
But I refuse!