Those eyes... They were filled with disappointment. I lowered my gaze to avoid them. My chest felt so tight it was hard to breathe, my hands trembling and numb. I pressed my lips together tightly to suppress the sobs threatening to escape.
Please… please don't look at me like that. I'm begging you.
"So, in the end... you lied, didn't you?"
"..."
"That's not right, Typhoon . Neither what you did nor lying to me is okay."
"..."
"Is there anything else you've lied to me about?"
"..."
I couldn't respond. Words failed me. Tears streamed down my hands uncontrollably. Fear overwhelmed me, crashing down like a wave I couldn't bear. P' Fah knows now...
"Going out to drink late at night? I don't recall you being a troublemaker like this when you were younger, Typhoon . I thought Torfun and I raised you to be a good kid."
"..."
"To be honest, I'm disappointed."
"..."
"You hurt everyone, especially Torfun. If you hadn't gone out that night, none of this would have happened. Do you realize you're at fault?"
"...Yes."
"And one more thing… I don't like liars."
"..."
"And I can't forgive anyone who hurt Torfun"
!!!
"I'm sorry..."
I jolted awake in the middle of the night, my body drenched in sweat. My heart pounded so hard it scared me, and my breathing was ragged as if I had run a marathon. Tears still streamed down my face. Torfun… another nightmare.
I slowly raised my cold, trembling hands to hug myself, trying to stop the shaking, and wiped my tears roughly. But as the nightmare replayed in my mind, I couldn't hold back my sobs any longer.
It's okay, Typhoon ... It's just a bad dream. P' Fah didn't actually say those things. He didn't.
"Ah… Sob..." I buried my face in the blanket, crying uncontrollably.
This was the first time I had a dream like this, before, it had always been recurring memories. But this time, it was about P' Fah… telling me he was disappointed in me, saying he couldn't forgive me. My hands wouldn't stop shaking. This always happens when a nightmare shocks me awake. My body becomes drenched in sweat, and it takes a long time to calm myself down.
But...I just realized that the darkness around me was complete. When I noticed I was entirely surrounded by darkness, my trembling intensified. I'm afraid of the dark...Ever since I was a child, I've always had to sleep with a nightlight on. Being alone in the dark makes me panic and lose control.
No... where's my phone? Why isn't the lamp working? And… the AC, too…
A power outage.
I groped for my phone on the bedside table and turned on the flashlight. At least it provided some light. Normally, I would keep candles or a flashlight in my room for situations like this, but since I had just moved into this dorm, I hadn't prepared anything yet.
Because of the power outage, my phone had barely charged, and the battery was almost dead. What should I do? I tried to get up but collapsed back down because my legs had no strength.
"Aunt Nuann...?"
"..."
Ah, I'm not at home. I'd forgotten. Usually, in emergencies like this, I would call for the housekeeper, but now I was alone with no one to help. It took me almost three minutes to steady myself and get up. I peeked out the door to find complete darkness outside. Initially, I thought about going down to the convenience store, but with the entire dorm building dark like this, I didn't dare.
Maybe I should just use my phone's flashlight and make a run for it... No, I can't. It's too dark. I'm not afraid of ghosts or anything like that. I'm just afraid of the dark. It makes me feel suffocated and brings back bad memories. If it's dark and confined, I might even faint. That's how I feel right now.
What should I do? I opened the window to let in some air but didn't dare move too far because of the overwhelming darkness. What should I do in a situation like this? It was just past 10 PM. After going to buy hyacinths with P' Fah, he had dropped me off at the dorm. We didn't talk or wish each other goodnight. Exhausted, I had fallen asleep around 8 PM.
P' Fah...
Even though I didn't want to bother him, I didn't know what else to do. I opened the LINE app and sent him a message.
[Typhoon]: P' Fah.
[Typhoon]: Are you free to talk?
No reply. He hadn't even read it. He might be busy.
Ah... Mona had said she would call him. This was the perfect time for them to chat, so he was probably unavailable to talk to me. Should I ask my neighbors for candles or a flashlight? They might have some. While I was deliberating, a reply came.
[TF]: Is something wrong?-Typhoon-: The power's out at my dorm.
[TF]: Okay.
What now? He didn't say anything further, as if waiting for me to elaborate. What could I ask him for?
[Typhoon]: I don't have candles or a flashlight.-Typhoon-: My battery's about to die.-Typhoon-: I'm scared.
[TF]: Oh… still afraid of the dark?
[Typhoon]: Yes.
[TF]: How much battery do you have left?
[Typhoon]: 15%.
Incoming call from [TF]
I was startled when P' Fah suddenly called.
"Hello?" I answered in a shaky voice.
(What room are you in?)
"Huh? Uh, 302."
(Alright. Stay on the line. I'll come get you.)
"Okay."
The line went quiet except for the sound of him walking, then running, followed by the sound of an engine starting. P' Fah was coming to get me. While waiting alone in the pitch-black room, I was on the verge of losing my sanity. But seeing the call still connected, knowing someone was there on the other end, gave me a sense of reassurance.
At least I still had P' Fah. Like it always was…
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
"No, Dad, no! I'm scared. I'm sorry."
I can't remember how old I was, but I clearly remember that it was a Saturday when no one was home except Dad. Mom had taken Torfun out since the morning, and I, feeling lonely without anyone to play with, secretly went into Dad's office and accidentally broke a vase.
When Dad came in and saw what happened, he got angry. He grabbed my wrist roughly and dragged me outside the house. I tried to resist with all my might, my face covered in tears, feeling both guilty and terrified.
"Dad, it hurts!"
"How many times have I told you not to go into the office?" Dad shouted at me, and his hand reached out to pull my ear.
"Ow, it hurts, it hurts. I'm sorry, I won't do it again," I said desperately, hoping he'd let go. But Dad dragged me to the storage room outside the house.
"No, I'm scared. I don't want to go in!"
"Go in! So you can learn your lesson!" Dad pushed me into the storage room. What I saw was his angry face, terrifying in its fury. The light slowly faded as the door closed, and I heard the sound of the lock, which made my heart sink even further.
"Dad! Dad! Please, no! I'm scared! Please let me out. I'm sorry!" I cried, banging on the door desperately, but no answer came. No, no...
I was really scared.
"Dad…"
"Huh... Sob…"
I started crying even harder, unable to stand the darkness inside. The storage room was pitch-black, musty, and full of dust, so much so that I could hardly breathe. I've been afraid of the dark and confined spaces ever since I was locked in that room. That time I was locked in there for almost the whole day.
The darkness was a terrifying part of my childhood memories. I didn't know what was hidden in the darkness, or if something would come out and harm me. It felt suffocating. I was scared. It was so small, with no light coming in except through a small gap at the bottom of the door.
I was scared… I couldn't breathe. I quickly turned my back against the wall and looked into the darkness, terrified that something might be lurking there. I crouched down and curled myself as small as possible.
"Sob... Sob.."
"Help... Help..." I cried in fear, my small voice barely audible. Was I really deserving of this punishment, to be locked in the storage room almost all day? I sobbed and shouted at the door.
"Sorry, Dad... Please let me out, I'm sorry. I won't go into the office again."
"Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break the vase."
"Dad, please... help me."
I shouted, but no response came. I hoped that the housekeeper or someone would come to help me, like before, but it was the weekend and no one would be around. No one would be around until Torfun came back. Torfun... can you come back soon? I don't want this anymore. I don't want this. I don't want it. Please...
I'm scared. Help me...Why... Why did Mom take Torfan out to play and leave me behind? I wanted to go play too. But it's okay... Mom said I had to stay home with Dad. If not, Dad would be lonely. Torfan said she would bring me some snacks. I was just scared Dad would be lonely, so I wanted to play with him. But then I went and broke the vase...
"Sob... Sob.."
"Typhoon ."
"P' Fah!"
"Are you inside?"
"P' Fah, help me!" I immediately pushed myself up when I heard P'Fah's voice from outside. "P' Fah, I'm scared. I don't want to stay here. Please let me out." I was banging on the door, urging the person outside to hurry and open it.
"Calm down." Then I heard the sound of the door unlocking, but it only opened a little. "There's a chain on the door, I can't open it."
Ah, yes... the storage room door had a lock on the outside, but for security, Dad had also chained it. Even when the lock was undone, the chain kept the door from opening completely.
"P' Fah, can you talk to Dad? Please let me out," I cried desperately.
At least I could see a little light from the crack in the door.
"I saw your dad go outside a while ago," P' Fah said.
But Mom had said that Dad would be lonely without me...
"P' Fah... Sob... Sob... I'm scared. Please take me out."
"I'll go find the key, okay?"
"Please hurry back."
"Okay."
I saw P' Fah run off. After almost ten minutes, he came back, panting heavily.
"There's no one at the house. There's no key. Did your dad take it with him?"
"...Yes... I think Dad must have taken it," I cried harder when I realized it wouldn't be easy to get out. "But... how did you know I was here?"
"I heard you, so I came to check."
There's a gate between my house and P' Fah's, so we could visit each other without going around the front door. The storage room was close to the wall, so P' Fah must have heard me.
"P' Fah, I'm scared. It's so dark."
"It's okay. I'm here." His soothing voice helped me feel a little better, but P' Fah was still outside.
"But you're outside. It's dark in here."
"Stretch out your hand."
I held out my hand through the gap in the door as P' Fah had asked. He took my hand and sat down against the outside wall of the storage room. I sat down too. In the darkness of the room, with me alone amidst the silence and fear, there was one hand reaching out to comfort me. It was dark. It was scary. But I wasn't alone.
We sat, holding hands through the door, talking about various things as if nothing had happened. At that moment... The darkness didn't seem scary at all. After that, I've always been afraid of that storage room because it wasn't just one time I was locked in there. It happened many times, and no one came to help. The fear of the dark grew so strong that I now always sleep with the lights on.
When Fhun found out what happened while she was away, she begged Dad not to punish me that way again. But Dad did it anyway. Maybe he didn't want to hit me like Mom did, so he locked me up instead. It was less annoying, and he didn't have to see me causing trouble. It was... pretty cruel, those childhood memories.
Knock knock
I quickly turned to the door when I heard a knock. "Typhoon ?"
P' Fah!
I hurriedly went to open the door. P' Fah was waiting outside. The power was still out, so there was no light.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Huh?"
"To pack up."
"Pack up?"
"Yeah, you can stay in my room for now."
"..."
"Or you could go outside and wait for the power to come back. But I might be a bit busy."
"Okay... I'll just pack up real quick."
"Alright." I invited P' Fah to come in and wait, since it was too dark to see anything. I slowly turned on my phone's flashlight and started gathering my things. Staying in P' Fah's room... is that really a good idea?
"Didn't you buy candles or flashlights to prepare?" P' Fah asked.
"No, I haven't bought them yet."
"It's good to have some in the room just in case."
"Okay."
"How long have you been living here?"
"Just a few days." I replied as I packed my things into my backpack, finishing in just a moment. Then I remembered… my room. Luckily, the power was out, or P' Fah would've seen all the pictures of Fhun covering my walls. That would've been way too awkward.
We slowly walked down the corridor and took the stairs. We didn't need to hold hands like when we were kids anymore. It seemed like the entire area was without power. I was glad I didn't come down here alone at first. Then we got in the car and headed to P' Fah's place. It was more accurate to call it a condo. I felt uneasy as we walked to the elevator since I'd never been there before, and we didn't have any conversation along the way.
When we stopped in front of the door, P' Fah unlocked it. His condo was spacious, clean, and neatly decorated. There were a lot of bookshelves.
"Make yourself comfortable."
"Thank you," I nodded and sat on the sofa, unsure of what to do.
This is P' Fah's room...
"If you're sleepy, let me know. Or are you tired?"
"Oh, not yet," I replied. I'd just woken up, so I wasn't tired. I glanced around the room briefly. P' Fah took a bottle of milk from the fridge and handed it to me.
"Thanks."
"You can watch TV if you like. The bathroom is over there. I'll step away for a bit."
"Okay," I nodded to show I understood as he disappeared into his bedroom. I noticed a desk inside his room and another one outside.
It wasn't surprising; P' Fah liked reading. When I mentioned that the power in my dorm was out, he came to pick me up and brought me here. Brothers… Is this how far they go for each other? If this is normal, I think I need to guard my heart more.
I stared at the chocolate milk in my hand. I liked chocolate milk, but it was probably just a coincidence. I pierced the carton and took a sip, hesitant to turn on the TV since it wasn't my room. The silence allowed me to overhear voices from the bedroom.
"Oh, I went to pick up my little brother. His dorm had a power outage."
"So, where were we…"
Who's he talking to? It sounded like he was tutoring someone. Probably Mona. From what I overheard, he had to hang up to come and get me, then continued the call afterward. I felt a bit guilty but tried to shake it off. I sat on the sofa for almost half an hour until P' Fah came out of his room, likely finished with his call. I looked up at him.
"Ready to sleep?"
"Uh… sure."
"Then you can sleep in the bedroom."
"Oh, I can sleep on the sofa."
"No way," P' Fah said. "Sleep in the bedroom. I'll take the sofa."
"Uh…"
"Come on," he insisted.
"Alright," I reluctantly got up and headed to the bedroom, unable to refuse. I never thought I'd end up sleeping in his room. As expected, he insisted on taking the sofa.
Why is he so kind?
"If you need anything, just call me."
"Okay," I replied as he adjusted the bedding slightly and left, closing the door behind him. I looked around the room, bewildered. I never imagined sleeping here. Everything was neatly organized, without unnecessary clutter. I should've stayed on the sofa. I walked to the door, opened it, and saw P' Fah setting up his bedding on the sofa.
"P' Fah."
"Yes?" He turned at the sound of my voice.
"I'll sleep on the sofa. I don't want to bother you."
"It's fine. The bed is more comfortable."
"Uh…"
I was at a loss for words. This wasn't right, he's the room owner.
"Well… we could share the bed… if that's okay," I suggested hesitantly. The bed was wide enough, and it felt wrong to let him sleep on the sofa. We're both guys. It shouldn't be a big deal.
"No, it's better this way. You sleep there."
"…Okay."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I closed the bedroom door and set my bag beside the desk. Letting me have the bed while he took the sofa, what a gentlemanly thing to do. It was clear he didn't want to give the wrong impression.
Oh…
"P' Fah," I opened the door again.
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
He nodded and smiled slightly before I closed the door again. Sitting back on the bed, I noticed the plain light-gray bedding. As I lay down, I caught a faint scent, his scent. Back when we were kids, I could remember the scents of both P' Fah and Fun.
Now… I've forgotten them. Both of their scents. I used to cling to Fhun's belongings, stationery, clothes, even her old phone, to keep memories alive. I turned on the bedside lamp and switched off the main light. Despite lying down, I couldn't sleep. The unfamiliar setting made it difficult.
Half an hour passed, and I was still wide awake. Was tonight going to be another sleepless night? Suddenly, I heard the door open. I sat up to see P' Fah.
"Still awake?"
"Uh, yeah. I can't sleep."
"Is the bed uncomfortable?"
"No," I shook my head.
"You sleep with the lights on?"
"Yes," he raised his eyebrows slightly and walked over. I sat up straighter on the bed. "I thought you'd be fine sleeping in the dark."
"I'm not."
"Sleeping with the lights on isn't good for you."
"I know," I nodded. I'd heard it before, sleeping with lights on disrupts your rest. But I can't handle total darkness.
"How about trying to sleep with the lights off?"
"I… can't."
"Let's try it together. Maybe it'll help." He sat beside me on the bed.
"If you're scared, you can hold my hand."
"…"
I hesitated, overwhelmed by his kindness. But when he offered his hand, I reached out to hold it. This isn't right. Not for brothers. Then, he turned off the lights. Darkness enveloped the room, but his gentle squeeze reassured me. I calmed down a bit and lay down again, closing my eyes as P' Fah sat beside me, holding my hand.
"Will you stay here until I fall asleep?" I asked.
"Yes, I'll leave and sleep outside once you're asleep."
"Okay. Goodnight again."
"Goodnight."
I held onto his warm hand, refusing to let go because of my fear. But before long, I drifted off easily, something that hadn't happened in years. Tonight was the first night in two years that I had a peaceful sleep. When I woke up groggily in P' Fah's bed, soft sunlight was streaming through the curtains. I grabbed my phone to check the time, just past 8 a.m. Unplugging the charger, I walked out of the bedroom.
"Awake already?" P' Fah asked as soon as he saw me. He was sitting at his desk outside, fully dressed and ready for the day.
"Yes. Sorry for waking up so late."
"It's fine. Go shower and get dressed, and then we'll grab breakfast."
"Alright." I nodded and grabbed the clothes I had brought, heading to the bathroom. Once ready, I stepped out. This was my first time waking up at 8 a.m., late for me, considering I usually wake up around 4 or 5 a.m. to catch the sunrise every morning.
But today, I missed the sunrise. Still, I felt well-rested.
No headaches, no nightmares. Just peaceful sleep. It felt amazing.
"Do you want anything special for breakfast?" P' Fah asked.
"Not really."
"Okay. Oh, by the way," P' Fah added as if he just remembered something, "could you give me Torfun LINE ID?"
"…"
"We haven't talked in ages. I just want to check in and see how she's doing."
"Uh…" I froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. Refusing would be strange, and staying silent made it even stranger.
"And I guess I'll never forgive whoever hurt Torfun," P' Fah's voice from my dream echoed in my head.
"Sure, I'll send it to you," I finally replied.
I had become a liar. And I would continue being one. I didn't want to lie, truly. I swear. But I was terrified, terrified of the possibility of P' Fah's anger or disappointment if he ever found out. I couldn't handle even a fleeting moment of that look. I'm sorry… but I just can't bear it.
"Alright," P' Fah replied, and we headed out for breakfast. On the way, I sent him Fun's LINE ID, the one on Fhun's phone, which I had kept with me.
"So Torfun is studying medicine in Pune?" P' Fah asked.
"Yeah."
"It's strange that Torfun would let you come here alone."
"Well… I insisted on coming," I said with a forced smile.
That's true. If Fhun were still here, she'd never let me come alone. Now, I couldn't even look P' Fah in the eye because of the guilt weighing on me. Guilt, and something else, a mix of emotions stirred by my recurring nightmare. It made me more certain than ever: if P' Fah ever found out the truth and said to me what he did in my dream, I would break all over again.
And this time, I wouldn't be able to put myself back together. We stopped at a small restaurant. As we walked in, I noticed people turning to look at P' Fah. He's always been someone who draws admiration, his face, his demeanor, everything about him. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of people for him to choose from. Why would someone like me ever have a chance? Especially someone like Typhoon.
We sat at a table by the window, overlooking the street outside. After placing our order, P' Fah's phone rang.
"Excuse me, I'll take this call," he said.
"Sure."
"Hello?"
("Fah, did you buy the gift yet?")
"Not yet. I don't even know what to get. You?"
("Same. They said they want to surprise him.")
"A surprise? What kind of surprise?"
("No idea. I can't think of anything that'd actually surprise him.")
"Honestly, I don't think we need to bother, but I still have no clue what gift to buy."
("Yeah, seriously, what would someone like him even want?")
"That's what makes it hard. What did Thit say?"
("Thit's in Moscow. He'll probably get something from there.")
"Will he make it back in time for the birthday?"
("Probably. Are you coming with me to shop?")
"No, I'll go on my own. I'm free today anyway."
("Alright. Let me know what you end up buying.")
"I don't even know yet. I'll look around and find something suitable."
("How about a quit-smoking program?")
"You should join him in that, Hill. I'll buy it for both of you. Maybe quit drinking too."
("Too late for that. Might as well send me straight to liver cancer treatment.")
"Fair point."
("Why not ask James? See if Joe wants anything specific.")
"I already asked James. He said there's nothing."
("Nothing at all?")
"Yeah. But the one thing he really wants… no one can give him."
("What's that?")
"I wish I knew."
("Hmm, then let me know, okay?")
"Okay."
("So who was that person sitting with you?")
"You saw me?"
("I passed by earlier.")
"Just someone I know."
("Everyone's someone you know, right?")
"Yeah, why?"
("Nothing, were you together last night?")
"Why do you think that?"
("You had dinner together, right? If you were sleeping separately, you'd have had to wake up at 6 a.m. to pick them up.")
"You sure know a lot."
("Your Nong? Did you sleep together?")
"Yeah. The power went out in their dorm, and they're afraid of the dark, so I went and picked them up to stay with me."
("But you slept on the couch?")
"Yeah."
("That's good.")
"Why?"
("It's the same thing we warned you about, Fah.")
"I get it now."
("How long have you known each other?")
"A long time ago since I lived in Phuket."
("Are you close?")
"Yeah. Our houses are next to each other."
("Were you close?")
"Yeah. We haven't seen each other in a while."
("Hmm. Okay, I'll hang up now.")
"Okay. We'll talk later."
("Okay.")
After that, P' Fah drove me back to my dorm. He mentioned he had some errands to run. I didn't forget to thank him again and remind him to drive safely, even though he's already a good driver. Once I entered my room and closed the door, I couldn't help but let out a deep sigh before collapsing onto the bed.
I had a full night's sleep last night, so why did I feel so tired now? I used to think P' Fah was someone with no boundaries when it came to relationships, but in reality, there were boundaries, like a thin, transparent glass. If you don't get close enough, you won't see it. But once you get close, you'll crash into it hard.
It feels like I can only get this close... to this one sibling. I got up and rummaged through the drawer under the table, finding a phone lying there. I picked it up and unlocked it.
[Tf]: Added you from LINE ID
P' Fah had added Fhun's LINE. I stared at the screen, feeling confused. The moment I decided to accept the request, my hands started shaking uncontrollably, and my heart was beating in an irregular rhythm.
I… I accepted it.
And the moment I hit accept, P' Fah sent a message:
[Tf]: Torfun, this is Fah.
[Tf]: How's everything?
[Torfun]: I'm doing fine.
[Torfun]: How about you, Fah?