Kacha! A crisp sound echoed in the spiritual sea.
That was the sound of Kaizen's Dao heart shattering into ten thousand pieces as his soul nearly took flight to the yellow springs.
When he pulled back his coarse cloth waistband to inspect his "heavenly equipment," what he saw was nothing short of a miracle.
Yes, a miracle! A reverse-heavenly miracle of the highest order!
Because how was it physically possible for a mortal root to be even shorter than the "peanut" he possessed in his previous life?
The laws of the Great Dao should forbid such a tragedy!
'Is this a joke?! What kind of heavenly tribulation is this?! My old one was a peanut but this... this is a withered pumpkin seed!'
'A dehydrated pumpkin seed that has been trampled by a thousand bulls!'
He shook his head violently, his eyes turning bloodshot, refusing to accept this new, miniature reality.
What kind of garbage luck was this? Truly, he was a dog spit upon by the heavens!
When Kaizen and every other "beings" from Earth were snatched up by the void and dumped into this fantasy world filled with dragons and jade-skinned elven mages, he naturally assumed that the laws of mana would fix his plumbing.
If a man can summon a world-extinguishing fireball, surely he can add an inch or two to his mortal pillar?
But no!
Magic had been around for eons, and not a single senile old monster or peerless wizard had bothered to invent a 'Root-Extending Heavenly Charm.'
What were they even doing with their long lives?! Cultivating their brains into mush?!
'What is wrong with these wizards?!'
'They can move mountains and resurrect the dead but nobody thought to invent a "Bigus Dickus" supreme spell?!'
'Courting death! They are all courting death!'
Kaizen was sure this was a conspiracy of the highest heavens. It had to be.
"I-it's really a 99.99% living beings problem... I swear... on my ancestors' graves and this pumpkin seed."
He tried to rationalize it. He had to. Otherwise, he would have to admit defeat before the very concept of masculinity.
"C-cough cough... l-like I said, it is totally normal for a Peerless Genius to have a compact core!"
Look at the data! He had lived two lives, and in both, he possessed a micro—he meant, a perfectly streamlined and aerodynamic pp.
That is a 100% probability rate! The math of the universe does not lie!
His fellow brother-author who wrote the sacred scripture 'Size is Just a Number' was right all along! That man definitely wasn't the Sect Leader of the Small Seed Society!
"Everybody has a small pp! Even the young masters reading this smut novel right now! Especially them! You have eyes but fail to see Mount Tai, yet you mock my seed?!"
Kaizen sighed and let out a broken, manic laughter that could chill the bones of a demonic beast.
Then he walked over to the corner, squatted down like a pathetic toad, and cried tears of blood for a full minute.
But a true man of the Lower Realm does not stay down! He stood up, wiped his snot with a heroic flourish, and hit his chest with false bravery that could move the stars.
"So what if I have a pumpkin seed!"
"The only reason to have genitals is for the continuation of the bloodline!"
"I am a man of focus! I am a man of sheer demonic will!"
"Even if the Primeval Gods themselves came down and offered to enlarge my little baby, I would never accept it!"
"My dignity cannot be bought by the heavens!"
[Do you wish to enlarge your pumpkin seed?]
"YES, ANCESTOR!!!!"
Without a millisecond of hesitation, Kaizen was on his knees, hands clasped together in a prayer of ultimate desperation, looking up with tears of manly passion.
"Please! This junior will do anything! Turn this seed into a cucumber! No, a heavenly zucchini! A supreme eggplant of the Ninth Realm!"
Shameless! He was truly a guy whose shamelessness reached the clouds!
. .. ...
It took him another full minute to calm his agitated soul.
He sat on the bed, his chest heaving like a bellows, and looked at the blue holographic notification floating in front of him like a divine decree.
It wasn't strange to see system interference; since the Great Displacement, every "trash" and "genius" alike got one.
It showed their status, quests to kill goblins, and all that boring mortal junk.
But this one... this one carried the aura of a Peerless Artifact.
[Welcome to the Harem System, host!]
[Your path to glory lies here. Just follow this humble system's path and you can become the biggest and baddest bastard in this world.]
[And this system truly meant 'biggest.' Wink wink. This system is the daddy of all rods.]
"..."
Kaizen's eyes twitched. The "translated" wording was strong with this one.
"Hey system, why do you sound like a scammer from the Black Market? You sound like those scammers who sell fake 'Golden Core' pills that are actually just rabbit droppings."
[System is honest, host. There's no scamming here. Only growth. Large, throbbing, heaven-defying growth.]
"...Right."
Kaizen could only accept the system's words for now, even though it really sounded like a con-artist about to sell a "Spirit Sword" that was actually a rusty kitchen knife.
But he had a second life thanks to this thing, so he should at least listen to what the "Ancestor" had to say.
"Continue, system. Sell me the dream. Show me the path to destroying my enemies' nine generations."
[The Eye of the Devil was a relic from the Demon of Lust.]
'Eye of the Devil was a relic? I always thought it was just a cool, edgy accessory.'
In his previous life, he got it from clearing a dungeon and killing a 64-eyed Spider Mom. It was a gross fight involving a lot of sticky fluids.
He couldn't activate the item then, but since it looked "Top-Tier," he wore it around his neck.
It made him look like a dark, brooding protagonist.
[Since you had it for so long, the relic chose you as its vassal.]
[You are now the vassal of the Demon Lord of Lust.]
?!
'What the hell?!'
Kaizen jumped from the bed in shock, only to feel instant nausea because his current "trash" vessel was too weak.
He quickly sat back down, clutching his head to ward off the sudden dizziness.
"I almost died just standing up. Truly a trash body. Wait... V-vassal of the Demon of Lust? Isn't that guy a legend from the Primordial Era?!"
In his two years of dominating the "Lower Realm," he hadn't encountered a single demon of such high stature.
He had been too busy acting like a big shot in the slums!
Suddenly, the poisonous words of that bastard Arthur echoed in his mind like a demonic bell.
"You were always so stuck up, Kaizen. Refusing to ascend to the Mid Realm because you wanted to play king in this trash heap comfort zone. Well, look at you now. You're the weakest dog in the pound!"
'So it means... all the true powerhouses and main players are lurking in the Higher Realms, while I was here playing house with a jade-skinned slut?!'
According to the ancient maps, the world was a massive circular disc floating in the cosmic void.
The outer edge was the Lower Realm—the "Slums of the Universe" where vagrants, non-awakened trash, and the pitifully talented were left to rot.
The inner circle was the Mid Realm, where mana density was so thick it could make a mortal's head explode. That was where the real aristocrats and royal bloodlines lived, looking down upon the world.
As for the High Realm and the Greater Realm at the center? Those were literal graveyards for anyone who wasn't a lunatically powerful monster.
Nobody could seize control there because everyone was too busy murdering each other over every scrap of divine herb.
Arthur and his "friends" wanted to travel to the Higher Realm to find out why they were transmigrated from Earth. They wanted the secrets of the gods. They wanted ultimate authority.
Kaizen had thought it was suicide. Why risk your life in the High Realm when you could live like a god among mortals in the Lower Realm? Were they stupid?!
But sitting here now, in a dirty room with a dehydrated pumpkin seed between his legs... Kaizen realized he was the only one who had been eating dog shit and calling it a feast.
He sighed, a puff of turbid air leaving his lungs.
"I was a frog at the bottom of a well, croaking happily at my little puddle while they were plotting to swallow the ocean. I held them back... and they repaid my 'kindness' by separating my head from my shoulders."
But suddenly, a crucial thought struck him like a bolt of heavenly lightning!
He narrowed his eyes and addressed the floating blue screen with the intensity of a grandmaster.
"H-hey System, wait a minute. This junior has a question! Doesn't the 'Demon of Lust' need... you know... heavy siege artillery? A world-class battering ram?"
"How can I represent the Great Demon Lord of Lust when I'm walking around with a pumpkin seed?"
"I'm less 'Demon of Lust' and more 'Eunuch of Mild Disappointment.' My legendary weapon is currently a tactical disadvantage!"
It was a genuine question from the depths of his soul.
He knew the job description. If he was going to be the CEO of Sex, he needed a corporate merger in his trousers that could shatter the heavens!
He licked his parched lips, sweating nervously. Was the System going to offer a quest to find the legendary 'Excalibur with the Dragon Balls'?
[Host, do not worry. This System is professional. You already have the corresponding blessing from the Demon Lord of Lust for your journey.]
!!!
Without even thinking, the over-excited man mentally smashed the Notification Bar open!
A new screen popped up with a golden glow. Seeing the words appear on it, Kaizen was instantly elevated to a state of nirvana.
In fact, he didn't even finish reading the first sentence before his pumpkin seed gave a little salute and leaked a single, happy tear of pure joy.
Why? Because...
[Blessing from the Lord of Lust]
[Reward: 1x Demonic Reformatting of your Mortal Root.]
[Description: 6 inches might work for Earthling trash, but that won't cut it in a world of high-tier fantasy!]
[To plow through the thick, mana-reinforced defense of an Elven Princess; to make a Demon Queen addicted to your rod; to make an Angel forget her prayers... you need a weapon of mass destruction!
[You need a Heavenly Pillar of Chaos!]
[New Size: 13 inches of Unstoppable Demonic Might!]
Kaizen threw his hands in the air and screamed at the ceiling with enough force to vibrate his shattered ribs.
"ABSOLUTE CINEMA! THE ANCESTORS HAVE BLESSED ME!"
He was thrilled! He was elevated! He was leaking again! It was more exciting than the first time he reached Level 45!
'This... This is my Second Coming!'
He was indeed coming for the second time in a minute just by reading a holographic menu, but Kaizen ignored that biological failure.
He was too hyped! He needed to test the aerodynamics of his future weapon!
He quickly ran to the fallen ceiling fan and humped the air aggressively above it.
Obviously, nothing touched the metal because his current equipment had zero reach, but in his mind, he was already a dragon!
He sprinted to the bed, grabbed a pillow, and humped the air in front of it with the speed of a phantom sword.
"Don't look at me like that, pillow! Just you wait! After I accept the blessing, you will be bathing in my white victory, you filthy cotton woman! I will dual-cultivate you until your feathers fly!"
He was descending into degenerate madness so fast the demon didn't even have to corrupt him. He was speed-running the corruption arc.
But of course, just as his finger hovered over the [Accept] button, a red error message flashed like a slap from a vengeful god.
[System Error!]
[Installation Failed!]
[Reason: Since this trash body of yours possesses the 'Vile Curse of the Thousand-Year Eunuch,' you cannot accept the blessing from the Lord!]
[You have eyes but cannot see the Mount Tai of your own shortcomings! To receive the rod, you must first break the curse!]
"COOOOOOOOUUUUURTIIIIIIING DEEEEEEEEEATH!!!!!"
Kaizen's scream of agony echoed through the night, as he vomited a mouthful of blood and collapsed, his soul once again teetering on the edge of the yellow springs.