This Useless Goddess Is Hopeless
"Gilgamesh's treasury contains the prototypes of every Noble Phantasm in the world," Xia Yu said with a smile. "I assume the Holy Grail in your hands is the same, right?"
"The original Holy Grail constructed from the miracles of the Holy Son, not some imitation casually cobbled together by magi."
"What?" Hearing this, Fujimaru Ritsuka froze. "Then... doesn't that mean there are two Holy Grails in this Singularity?"
"Do you know why he showed you the Holy Grail?" Xia Yu turned toward Gilgamesh teasingly. "It's the carrot dangling in front of the donkey. With that Holy Grail, you'll naturally work yourselves to the bone for him just to get it."
"Uruk's desperately short on manpower. Even Gilgamesh himself is practically working himself to death... so naturally, he'll fool as many people into helping as he can."
Why was manpower so scarce? Because this was the city-state era. Setting everything else aside, the literacy rate alone would make any ruler despair. Gilgamesh wanted more capable people, but even if he scraped every inch of Uruk clean, he still wouldn't find enough.
What? Promote education and train them himself?
Don't forget, this was a Singularity. By the time a generation finished growing up, the world would already be destroyed... unlike a Lostbelt that could linger on a little longer.
"Uh..." Hearing this, Fujimaru Ritsuka and Mash looked at the dark-faced Gilgamesh on the throne. This was way too... grounded. It felt completely different from the unreasonable king they'd imagined at first.
"Hey, you brat Kiana," Gilgamesh gritted his teeth. "Some things are fine as long as you know them yourself. Why do you have to say them out loud?"
"Can't help it," Xia Yu said as she wrapped an arm around Fujimaru Ritsuka's shoulders. "These are friends of my friend. I can't just watch some young girl get fooled lame by your smooth talk."
"Thank you for your concern, Sister Kiana," Fujimaru Ritsuka stepped forward. "But King Gilgamesh, even without the Holy Grail, we would still stand on Humanity's side and help Uruk defeat the Three Goddess Alliance."
"Pfft... hah, hahahahaha! Hahahahaha!" Gilgamesh, who had been scowling, instantly burst into laughter. "Defeat them? You people are going to defeat those goddesses?"
"Uh, let me ask something first. Does your 'we' include Kiana?"
"Miss Kiana is a friend of our old friend," Fujimaru Ritsuka said. "If she's willing to become our companion, we'd absolutely welcome her. But if Miss Kiana doesn't wish to get involved in all this, we completely understand!"
"So that means she's not included, right?" Gilgamesh chuckled before turning toward his most loyal retainer. "Siduri, did you hear that? Those idiots are trying to make This King laugh to death, aren't they?"
Hearing this, Siduri helplessly lowered her head with an expression that said she couldn't bear to look.
Not because of Fujimaru Ritsuka, but because of the way Gilgamesh was acting... sigh, too much had happened.
"Ah, that joke just now was excellent," Gilgamesh finally calmed his laughter, though the corners of his mouth still curled upward. "Record it in the royal log later."
"Write down that the king laughed so hard his abs cramped!"
"But Uruk is a city protected by This King. We have no need for Chaldea's strength!"
As he spoke, he glanced at Xia Yu.
Only after seeing she didn't object did he continue, "Don't flatter yourselves, you bunch of idiots!"
At that moment, a soldier walked in from outside the temple.
"Forgive me for interrupting your pleasant conversation, King Gilgamesh..."
Before the soldier could finish, Gilgamesh interrupted him with obvious displeasure. "Who's having a pleasant conversation with whom? Are you blind?"
"Uh, because Your Majesty's laughter echoed throughout the entire Ziggurat..." The soldier looked utterly confused. If this wasn't a pleasant conversation, then what was?
"Fool!" Gilgamesh snapped irritably. "It's not like This King is some easily amused teenage girl. Uh... no, that's beside the point..."
"Oho~~~" Xia Yu instantly caught the problem in his words and looked at Gilgamesh teasingly. "I remember you have Clairvoyance that can see across the future, right?"
"'Teenage girl,' huh~~~ That kind of phrase doesn't even exist in this era, Gilgamesh. Just what exactly are you usually watching with that Clairvoyance?"
"I... This King is not such a shallow person!" Gilgamesh exploded immediately. "What teenage girls?! This King knows nothing about that!"
"Right, right, you know nothing," Xia Yu shot him a sidelong glance. "Wait a second... Ritsuka, aren't you only sixteen or seventeen? Mash isn't that old either... eh? I don't think I'm an adult yet either... ewww~~~"
Xia Yu grabbed Fujimaru Ritsuka and Mash's hands and took a step back.
"I think we should stay a little farther away from him."
"Uh, well..." Fujimaru Ritsuka didn't know what to say. Normally, wise king Gilgamesh shouldn't be that kind of person, but that slip about teenage girls really was a bit...
"What are those expressions for?" Gilgamesh felt like his lifelong reputation was about to be destroyed. "This King really isn't that sort of person!"
"And you're not even an adult?!"
He stared at Xia Yu in surprise.
"What's wrong with not being an adult?" Xia Yu puffed out her chest indignantly. "Do minors eat your rice or something?"
"No wait, I guess I really did eat yours. Though it was wheat, not rice..."
"Anyway, what's it got to do with you?"
Gilgamesh fell silent.
A little girl who hadn't even reached adulthood, not some naturally born goddess, yet already possessing power enough to destroy civilization...
"So," he finally asked the question for the first time, "what exactly are you?"
"Someone even Clairvoyance can't see the past or future of. Where exactly did you come from?"
"A genuine Earthling," Xia Yu patted her chest. "Authentic through and through!"
Just not from this Earth.
"Hmph, forget it." Seeing her dodge the question again, Gilgamesh let out an annoyed snort before turning toward the soldier. "What happened outside?"
"Yes! Someone is approaching Uruk!" the soldier reported. "One of the Three Goddess Alliance—Goddess Ishtar!"
"That idiot again? Is she some fool incapable of learning her lesson?" Gilgamesh said with a helpless expression.
"YOU! SAID! WHAT?!"
The moment Gilgamesh finished speaking, an enraged voice descended from the sky.
Then—
The ceiling above the Ziggurat exploded apart as Goddess Ishtar descended from the heavens atop the Heavenly Boat Maanna.
"It's Lady Ishtar!"
"Everyone retreat!"
The soldiers clearly had extensive experience dealing with this. The instant they saw Ishtar, they turned and ran without hesitation.
"Senpai, that lady isn't she..." Mash stared at Ishtar standing atop the Heavenly Boat with her arms crossed, looking stunned.
"She's the same person from before," Fujimaru Ritsuka said with a complicated expression. She never expected the first person they met upon arriving in the Singularity to be one of the masterminds behind everything.
"She's also one of the Three Goddesses?"
"Hm?" At that moment, Ishtar jumped down from Maanna and spotted the two people she'd met just yesterday.
"Um, we meet again," Fujimaru Ritsuka said awkwardly. After all, Ishtar had helped them before, yet now they were enemies the next time they met.
Such was the helplessness of life.
"Out of the way." Ishtar merely glanced at them before declaring aggressively, "The only one I'm here for is that golden idiot."
"Well now, how rare," Gilgamesh interlocked his fingers before him with complete confidence. "To think the great Goddess Ishtar would worry about other people."
After all, by the standards of the divine Ishtar, she wouldn't ask people to move aside before looking for someone. She'd just casually crush whoever stood in her way.
"Hah?" Ishtar instantly lost composure. "What nonsense are you talking about? I'm not being considerate at all! I'm just concerned about Uru—"
"Wait, no! This place stopped belonging to me long ago, so I'm absolutely not concerned about Uruk!"
"So? Isn't this tsundere act adorable?" At that moment, Xia Yu stepped out from behind Merlin with a bright smile and poked Fujimaru Ritsuka on the shoulder. "You get it, right?"
"Tsunderes are definitely cute..." Fujimaru Ritsuka replied instinctively, only to immediately see Ishtar's flushed cheeks and murderous glare, causing her to shut up at once.
"Who are you calling a tsundere?! Tell me, who's a tsundere?!" Ishtar cried out frantically. "I'm Goddess Ishtar! How could I possibly be a tsundere?!"
"Goddess Ishtar isn't a tsundere," Xia Yu said smilingly. "But the Ishtar standing in front of me isn't just a goddess."
"I... wait, why are you here?" Ishtar had been about to say something else, but the moment she saw Xia Yu's face, realization struck. "Kiana! Aren't you my prisoner? Shouldn't you be obediently staying in my temple?"
She grabbed Xia Yu by the collar and shook her vigorously.
"Did you secretly run away?! You promised you'd cook for me forever! Aaaaah! I'm definitely dragging you back!"
"Did you sleep your brain out or something?" Xia Yu looked at the frantic Ishtar. "Who said I'd cook for you forever?"
"Huh? You didn't?" Ishtar looked dazed. "Aren't you my attendant? Of course attendants follow their masters forever!"
"When did I agree to that?" Xia Yu looked baffled. "I don't remember anything like that."
"But... but..." Ishtar recalled the time the two of them spent together. "You did all those things to me, said all those things..."
"Oh? Really?" Xia Yu raised an eyebrow. "Lady Ishtar is surprisingly innocent, huh."
"Who are you calling innocent?!" Ishtar's vision darkened. "I don't care anymore! I'm taking you back right now!"
"Pffft!" Gilgamesh finally failed to hold back his laughter.
"What are YOU laughing at?!" Ishtar spun around and shouted.
"N-No, I'm not laughing at anything... pffft..." Gilgamesh was still struggling not to laugh.
This idiot goddess was being played in the palm of someone's hand and still didn't realize it. She had no idea how terrifying that woman was, yet she still wanted to capture her and bring her back?
More like Xia Yu was tricking her into taking her back.
Even Gilgamesh, with his terrible personality, had to restrain himself when facing Kiana's strength. Otherwise, Uruk could disappear in an instant.
And yet the mighty Goddess Ishtar was this naïve... Gilgamesh knew he should just sit back and watch as Xia Yu sweet-talked Ishtar away.
But watching his old rival look so foolish, getting sold off and still helping count the money... he really couldn't hold it in.
"You people... you people... AAH!" Ishtar completely lost it. Magical bullets gathered in her hand. "I don't care anymore! Today, we settle this once and for all!"
Then she fired a magical bullet straight at Gilgamesh.
"Mash!" Realizing this was a good opportunity, Fujimaru Ritsuka exchanged a glance with her junior. Mash instantly understood her meaning—this was the tacit understanding they'd built through their journey to save humanity.
Mash raised her shield and stepped forward, directly blocking the magical bullet in front of Gilgamesh.
"Miss Ishtar!" Fujimaru Ritsuka felt that Ishtar wasn't the sort of unreasonable enemy she appeared to be, so she attempted diplomacy. "Please hear me out!"
"I won't listen, I won't listen!" Ishtar was already red-faced with embarrassment and anger. Several Gems appeared in her hand. "If I don't fight today, I won't feel better!"
"But if you keep fighting, all the ingredients I painstakingly picked out for you will be ruined," Xia Yu said as she walked over and raised the little basket in her hand. "Look, I spent the whole morning picking these."
"Don't you like Fruit Medley? Now we've got fresh fruit."
Ishtar instantly froze.
"Come on, be good and put the Gems down." Xia Yu took the Gems from Ishtar's hand while she was distracted. "Mm, it's almost noon already. Time to go home for lunch."
"Didn't you run away?" Ishtar's voice sounded strangely choked up.
"Run away? I'm your prisoner, remember?" Xia Yu smiled as she wrapped her arm around Ishtar's. "Have some confidence. You're the Mistress of Heaven. In this Mesopotamia, where could I possibly run to?"
"I just came out to pick ingredients."
"You're really not running away?"
"Not running!"
"Fine then." Hearing this, Ishtar obediently summoned the Heavenly Boat and pulled Xia Yu aboard. But before leaving, she finally remembered why she'd come here in the first place.
"Hmph, I'll let you off this time, half-naked King of Uruk." She glanced at Gilgamesh and snorted before turning toward the high priestess nearby. "And Siduri, if Gilgamesh dies, I might still consider helping Uruk. So you'd better prepare the white flags first."
"Oh, and next time send more fruit. Stop making my attendant run around all the time!"
Then she took Xia Yu and soared into the sky.
"This useless goddess really is hopeless..." Gilgamesh muttered faintly as he watched them leave.
A single basket of fruit was enough to trick her into going home...
"Indeed, completely hopeless," Merlin nodded in agreement.
Siduri sighed. No matter what, Ishtar was still one of Uruk's worshipped goddesses. It was just... sigh.
Fujimaru Ritsuka and Mash exchanged glances.
"Um, Senpai," Mash asked hesitantly, "do we need to rescue Miss Kiana?"
"...Mash," Fujimaru Ritsuka replied with a complicated expression, "perhaps... the one who actually needs saving is someone else..."
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T/N: If you spot mistranslation, do tell me.
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