"F*ck your mom!"
Kaido cursed through gritted teeth as a Tailed Beast Ball, as black as ink, widened before his eyes.
Boom!
The world turned white, followed by a thunderous boom, swallowing everything in its path. Before he knew it, he, along with the hundred-odd shinobi who'd been running at his back, turned to floating ashes.
His second life was over... just like that.
Yes, second, and what a life it was. It was completely different from his first one spent as a corporate slave working part-time just to make ends meet. He had long wanted to kiss the feet of the truck driver who had pulverized him. His reckless driving not only saved him from decades of misery but also gave him the opportunity to win a one-in-a-billion chance at reincarnation.
Dropped into the Uchiha clan as an infant, in the same generation as Shisui, Kaido followed the golden rule for isekai protagonists: act like a pig to eat the tiger.
He projected himself as a perfect little prodigy on the surface—polite, talented, never too flashy—while in the shadows, he quietly cultivated strength, built alliances, and planted favors, turning the clan's internal politics into his personal chessboard.
When the massacre night finally rolled around, he completely flipped the script.
Danzo's head rolled before the moon even finished rising.
By morning, Kaido was clan head. From then on, it was the time of his rise. He took Sasuke under his wing. Naruto got dragged along for the ride soon after. He helped the two realize their potential well before they should have in the original timeline.
When the Fourth War came around, he stepped up as frontline commander for the entire Alliance, replacing Gaara of the sandy ass.
He devised various strategies using his foreknowledge, one of which was to hide the real headquarters under layers of seals so deep even the Ten-Tails' senses slid right off it.
Everything was lining up perfectly.
Until it wasn't.
For whatever reason, that damned Ten-Tails ignored the decoy village entirely and lobbed that final, cataclysmic Tailed Beast Bomb straight at his command post!
The irony wasn't lost on him. Just as luck had given him the second shot, it took it back when he ran out of it.
…
When his eyes opened again, he was floating in the familiar blank white space once more.
"Sup, twin."
He turned abruptly at the voice, coming face-to-face with Dumbledore from the Harry Potter movies. Yeah, the guy looked exactly like him. He had a long white beard that looked like he'd been growing it since the Big Bang, half-moon glasses perched on his nose, and an ornate purple robe embroidered with tiny silver stars and crescent moons.
He could have been a perfect fit for the new live-action series, if only...
"Didn't expect ya to be back so soon, blud. Thought you'd last longer, considering you were full-on chuunibyou and shit after finding out you were going to the Naruto world."
Kaido's brows twitched, if he even had any in his current state.
Here it was. This god, or whatever this entity was, liked to talk in TikTok slang.
The dude was single-handedly ruining Dumbledore's image for every fuckin' reincarnator!
And who was he calling a chuunibyou, dammit!
Swallowing back a retort, Kaido asked carefully, "Mr. Walmart Dumbledore… why am I back here again? Shouldn't I be, like… actually dead this time?"
"Lmao, why would you think that, lil bro? You won the big one last time. Did you forget? The one-in-a-billion jackpot. I was lowkey jealous, no cap."
Kaido blinked. "But haven't I already spent it?"
The god looked at him like he was staring at the dumbest NPC in the lobby.
"Zero reading comprehension. You need to deadass LOCK IN, bruh."
Kaido clenched his jaw and glared at him.
He was just about to demand an explanation when the geezer casually flicked his wrist. A glowing parchment shimmered into existence midair.
Kaido's eyes narrowed.
He recognized it instantly as the lottery ticket he had won. It was pretty hard to forget with all those glowing neon letters that looked like one of those shady pirate-site ads promising free iPhones.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON THE ULTIMATE SECOND CHANCE JACKPOT!!! REINCARNATION RE-RE-ROLL UNLOCKED!!! 🎉🔥
The parchment drifted forward until it hovered inches from his face.
Kaido didn't even blink.
"What exactly are you trying to prove with this?" he asked deadpanned, squinting at it.
Dumbledore smirked. "Flip that joint, fam."
Kaido stared at him for a second, then grabbed the parchment out of the air and turned it over.
More neon text exploded into view.
BUY ONE GET ONE FREE SPECIAL!!! THIRD LIFE BONUS: PICK 3 TALENTS FROM YOUR LAST RUN!!!
Kaido's eyes almost popped out of their sockets. "W-what!?"
For a brief moment, he even suspected he was being deceived. This weird god was absolutely capable of doing that just for the laughs. But… thinking back, Kaido realized he had never actually checked the back of the ticket the first time. He had been too excited to pay attention to such a small detail.
Who would've thought he'd missed something this big just because of a small blunder!
After the shock wore off, Kaido felt excitement building up in his chest.
Another chance at reincarnation, and this time, he could even carry over three of his talents!
His mind immediately began racing through possibilities.
What world would it be? One Piece? Jujutsu Kaisen? Hunter x Hunter? My Hero Academia? Or maybe something completely different.
An ear-to-ear grin spread across his face as he flipped through different worlds he knew in his mind.
Dumbledore also grinned just as widely, like a kid who just got the new season of his favorite show early.
"Alright, first things first, gng," he said, clapping his hands together. "Let's pick your kit. Or… well, spin for it. Gotta keep it spicy."
With another flick of his wrist, a massive spinning wheel materialized before them. It was easily ten feet tall, listing out all of his core talents from his life in the Naruto world:
* Sharingan (Kekkei Genkai)
* Earth Chakra Nature
* Iron Release (Kekkei Genkai)
* Fire Chakra Nature
* Lightning Chakra Nature
* Wind Chakra Nature
* Yang Chakra Nature
Kaido stared, his chest swelling with a weird mix of pride and nostalgia.
His rise in the Naruto world wasn't anything but easy. The path of the Mangekyo Sharingan didn't suit him. Besides the fact that he had no parents or siblings, the premise of sacrificing something dear to him for power never made sense to him.
It was like putting the cart before the horse. So, he'd taken a different route.
He refined his taijutsu to its absolute limit, combining Strong Fist with Uchiha taijutsu to create a style perfectly suitable for him; mastered medical ninjutsu to near-Tsunade levels; grinded every single chakra nature except water—because fuck water (he had no talent for it)—and in the end, even synthesized Iron Release, a genuine bloodline limit, through sheer grinding, theoretical experiments, and research.
Add in the insights of his three-tomoe Sharingan and his refined genjutsu, and he had carved out a place for himself firmly within Kage tier.
As he was lost in thought, the wheel began spinning with dramatic whoosh sound effects.
'Come on baby, give me Sharingan!'
The eye would be broken in almost any world he reincarnated into. More importantly, his entire combat system revolved around it, whether it be in his early days as a genin or when he stood firmly in the Kage tier. If he didn't get it, Kaido would potentially have to rebuild an entirely new combat system from scratch, which would take a long time of trial and error.
His second priority was definitely Iron Release, which was self-explanatory. The ability to manipulate metal would be powerful in nearly any setting.
After that came Lightning and Earth chakra natures. They weren't only his most proficient chakra natures but also the two core elements he had used to synthesize Iron Release in the first place. Even without the Kekkei Genkai directly, having both would give him the foundation to potentially recreate it one day.
As Kaido held his nonexistent breath, the arrow gradually slowed before coming to a halt.
Fire Chakra Nature
"Fuck!"
He cursed under his breath. His heart felt like it was bleeding.
One draw gone. Just like that.
The old man cackled, full-on wheezing like he was having the time of his life.
"Skibidi misfortune, blud. No worries, let's run it back."
Kaido shot him a death glare before turning back toward the wheel as it began spinning again.
Click.
Click.
Click.
It slowed down… and eventually stopped.
Yang Chakra Nature
Kaido let out a measured breath.
Alright. Not ideal. But not bad either. Yang Release was one of his aces in his arsenal, whether it be its utilization in combat or outside of combat. More importantly, if all things failed, he could just make a living being a healer.
"Alright, the third time's the charm," the god remarked with a smirk as the wheel began spinning again.
This time, Kaido didn't speak. He just stared at it. If his current body permitted sweating, he'd undoubtedly be drenched to the bone. That's how tense he was.
After what felt like an eternity, the wheel began to slow... then eventually came to a halt.
Kaido looked at the option the arrow had stopped on, a bit dazed.
Sharingan
"YOSHA!!!" Kaido shouted at the top of his lungs, fists pumping into the air. "That's what I'm talking about!"
As long as he had the Sharingan, he was willing to even move mountains!
Dumbledore clicked his tongue and shook his head in exaggerated disappointment. "And there goes the plot armor. I really thought you were about to go through some character development for once. Raw power progression. No cheats. Just vibes. What a bummer."
Kaido gave him a side-eye, completely ignoring what he said.
"Alright then. For the world—"
"Wait."
Dumbledore lifted his hand to flick again before Kaido stopped him, asking a question that had been on his mind for a while. "What happens if I reincarnate into a world that doesn't even have chakra? How would my talents function then?"
The god stared at him as if he were looking at a country bumpkin.
"Bro. Is that even a question? They'll obviously be adapted to whatever power system the world runs on. You don't have to stress about that. I'll personally handle the conversion."
That… made sense.
Kaido nodded slowly, though a trace of doubt still lingered in his mind.
"What if it's a world with no structured energy at all?" he pressed. "Like some slice-of-life anime or something?"
Dumbledore's grin widened.
"Then, my brother, you're fucked."
Before Kaido could respond, he flicked his wrist.
The wheel, already gigantic, expanded even more, growing several times larger. The previous options vanished, replaced by hundreds of names spinning across its surface.
There were anime worlds, game worlds, and even book worlds. Some he recognized, some he didn't. And there were some that looked suspiciously like the kind of chaotic fever dreams born from sleep deprivation and too much internet.
The wheel began spinning as Kaido watched it with quiet anticipation.
If he were to be honest, one part of him actually hoped for something peaceful. A slice-of-life world, maybe, where the greatest threat was a confession gone wrong or a messy love triangle—even if it made his talents mostly pointless.
The bloodshed of his previous life, while exhilarating at times, had left him weary. Amidst all the training, scheming, and preparing for the eventual war, he never had time to slow down and start a family. If possible, he wanted to experience that.
The wheel slowed.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
And then it stopped.
The Beginning After The End by TurtleMe
Kaido stared at it in absolute disbelief.
"…You're kidding."
Before he could even process the implications of what had happened, a loud flick sounded in his ear and then his vision blacked out.
The last thing he heard was laughter filled with mockery and unmistakable excitement before his consciousness gave out.