The day began with the kind of sound that usually precedes a military invasion. Chris McLean, a man whose lung capacity is matched only by his cruelty, blew a foghorn inside the cabins at an hour that should only be legal for bakers and people with insomnia.
Leshawna: (Whacking her head on the bunk) "Are we keeping farm hours?!"
Noah: (Muffled by his pillow) "I'm pretty sure even farmers have human rights, Leshawna. Chris just hasn't discovered them yet. Maybe they're on Page 43 of the contract? Right after the part where he owns our souls."
Chris announced a twenty-kilometer run around the lake. No breakfast. No mercy.
Noah: "Twenty kilometers? On an empty stomach? Chris, if I die of hypoglycemia, I'm coming back to haunt your hair gel collection. It'll be the most stylish haunting in history."
Eva tried to punch Chris. Duncan and Geoff held her back.
Noah: "Careful, Eva. If you break his face now, we might actually have to follow a logical schedule. We can't have that."
The run was a disaster. While some people actually ran, Noah opted for a pace that could best be described as "aggressive loitering."
Noah: "Running is for people who don't have a plan. I have a plan. It involves moving just enough to keep my heart beating while I calculate how much shrimp Ezekiel is currently eating at the resort."
He saw Owen licking a puddle. Heather walked right over the big guy.
Noah: "Heather, that's a new low. Even for a girl who probably charges children for breathing near her. Owen, stop drinking the lake. I'm 90% sure that water contains more bacteria than a high school locker room."
By the time they reached the main lodge, Noah's body decided to go on strike. He passed out. Owen, being a human-sized golden retriever, carried his unconscious body to a table.
Noah: (Waking up to Leshawna and Harold shaking him) "Did I win? Is it over? Please tell me Chris was eaten by a bear and we're all going home."
The Gophers thought they won because they finished first. Chris, with that punchable grin, revealed the truth: The run was just the warm-up. The real challenge was the Awake-A-Thon.
But first... a banquet. Real food. Turkey, ham, things that didn't wiggle when you poked them.
Noah: (Eyeing a chicken leg) "He's fattening us up. It's the Hansel and Gretel strategy. Eat the turkey, get the tryptophan, fall asleep in ten minutes. It's brilliantly sadistic. I'd be impressed if I wasn't so hungry I'm willing to risk it."
Gwen: "I give it an hour. Maybe less."
Noah: "I give it thirty minutes. Most of these people have the attention span of a goldfish on caffeine. Staying awake is a mental game, and let's face it—this team is playing with half a deck."
Twelve hours passed. Owen was the first to go, hitting the floor like a felled redwood.
Noah: "And the first domino falls. Goodnight, sweet prince. May your dreams be filled with bacon and less radioactive sweat."
Noah watched Heather pull Beth and Lindsay aside.
Noah: "Look at that. The Unholy Trinity is born. Heather is recruiting the 'desperate' and the 'clueless.' Lindsay, honey, if Heather tells you to jump off a bridge to 'improve the alliance,' please check if there's water first. Or don't. It might be faster that way."
Then he saw it. Eva dropped her MP3 player. Heather swiped it.
Noah: (Watching from a distance) "A classic move. Provoke the girl with the angry problems. Heather isn't playing a game; she's orchestrating a psychological breakdown. It's almost impressive, in a 'I'm a terrible human being' sort of way."
Noah felt the heavy pull of sleep. His 180 IQ was screaming at him to stay awake, but his body—which had never seen the inside of a gym—was failing.
Noah: "Twelve kilometers and no sleep... my brain is currently running on the power of a single AA battery. Tyler is having nightmares about bears eating Katie and Sadie. Honestly, Tyler, that's not a nightmare, that's a mercy for the rest of us."
Chris started reading fairy tales. Chef was in a tutu.
Noah: "If I wasn't so tired, I'd be terrified. Chef in a tutu playing a harp? This is the kind of fever dream you have right before a total mental collapse."
Noah felt his eyes closing. He thought about Ezekiel.
Noah (Thinking): "Zeke is probably sleeping on a 500-thread-count sheet right now. Why am I fighting to stay awake in a room that smells like wet dog and desperation? Maybe... maybe it's time to join him."
Noah drifted off.
Hours later, Noah woke up. It was dark. He felt something warm. Something soft. He felt... a mosquito? No. It was an ear.
Noah's eyes snapped open. He was cuddling Cody. And he was kissing Cody's ear.
Noah: (Recoiling in pure, unadulterated horror) "AH! What... why... Cody?!"
Cody: (Waking up, equally terrified) "Dude! Personal space!"
Noah: "I... I thought you were a pillow! A very small, bony, annoying pillow! This never happened. If you tell anyone, I will find a way to make sure your bunk is permanently infested with fire ants."
Noah: (To the camera, deadpan) "I need a shower. Not just for my skin, but for my soul. That was the lowest point of my life. And I've been on a boat with Owen."
The challenge hit 100 hours. Only Gwen, Duncan, Heather, Eva, and Trent remained. Noah, now showered but still feeling the phantom taste of Cody's ear, watched from the sidelines.
Noah: "Chris is reading the history of Canada. It's the ultimate weapon. Even my brain is shutting down just hearing the words 'Parliamentary Procedure.' Heather and Eva are out. Trent is gone. It's down to the Goth and the Delinquent."
Duncan eventually succumbed to the call of nature—and the pop-up book. He fell asleep on the toilet.
Noah: "Duncan lost to a pop-up book in a bathroom stall. There's a metaphor for his life in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to find it. Gwen wins. The Gophers are safe. Which means... I have to stay here for another week."
The afternoon was a symphony of screaming. Eva realized her MP3 player was "missing." She trashed the cabin. She accused everyone.
Noah: "Watching Eva look for her music is like watching a hurricane look for its car keys. Everything is getting destroyed, and nobody is safe."
Heather "found" the MP3 player by the campfire.
Noah: "And the trap is sprung. Heather plays the hero, Eva looks like a psychopath, and the team is ready to vote her off before she can bench-press the cabin into the lake. It's a masterclass in manipulation. I should take notes. Or just go back to sleep."
At the bonfire, the marshmallows were handed out. Eva was the one left empty-handed.
Eva: (Screaming and kicking Chris) "YOU'LL REGRET THIS!"
Noah: (Watching her board the Boat of Losers) "Well, Eva's going to the resort. Given her temper, Ezekiel's peaceful vacation is about to become a war zone. I almost feel bad for him. Almost."
Courtney toasted a marshmallow, promising they'd never lose again.
Noah: "Sure, Courtney. And I'm going to start enjoying the outdoors. We're all liars today, aren't we?"
As the night fell, Noah saw Owen sleeping in a cave with some Sasquatches.
Noah: "Owen found his true family. They look the same, they smell the same, and they probably have the same diet. Good for him."
Noah looked at the camera one last time before heading to his bunk.
Noah: "Another week of this. My IQ is dropping by the hour, I've kissed a nerd's ear, and the only person I respect is currently sharing a spa with a girl who can kill a man with a toothpick. Remind me again... why did I want that 100k?"