The first night without him felt wrong.
Not dramatic. Not devastating.
Just… wrong.
Like how you feel a shift when a piece of furniture has been moved in a room you've always lived in.
Everything looks the same, but nothing feels the same.
I lay on my bed staring at my phone.
I was supposed to go down for dinner.
Honestly, I didn't have the appetite.
"Emma!" Mom shouted my name from the kitchen
"I said, I'm not hun- "
"Tray's here" she cut me off.
Sigh…
I reluctantly tried to get off the bed.
My phone buzzed, 9:13pm.
My heart jumped so violently I almost dropped it.
His name lit up my phone.
Merv❤️
I answered before it could ring twice.
"Merv?"
"Hey Em"
His voice.
Warm. Familiar.
Relief washed through me so fast.
I hadn't realized how anxious I had been until he called.
"I thought you forgot", I laughed nervously
"Never" he said quickly. Too quickly.
There was noise in the background. Male voices. Someone shouting instructions.
"You okay?" I asked
"Yeah… Yeah, I'm good. Just busy already"
Busy.
It was the first time I'd ever heard that word between us.
"How's it there?"
"It's intense", he admitted. "Orientation was an hour after arrival. I already have trainings lined up. They're serious here."
"Of course they are", I teased gently. "You're going to be a star, remember?"
He didn't laugh.
There was a pause.
A long one.
"Merv?"
"Em… if I don't call as much at first it's not because I don't want to"
Something inside me died.
The little hope I was holding unto just faded, like nothing.
"Why?" my voice breaking
"Just adjusting. Dad thinks I need to focus"
Focus.
On football.
On the future.
On everything except me.
"I thought you didn't want any of this!", I wanted to say so badly
"I won't distract you", I said instead.
"You're not a distraction"
But he didn't sound confident
In the background I heard the voices get louder.
Merv swallowed.
"I have to go."
"Already?"
"Yeah."
Silence stretched between us
"I love you", I said first this time
There was the faintest hesitation
My fingers tightened around the phone.
Then—
"I love you too"
The call ended.
And for the first time since I said yes to him, something cold settled in my stomach…
"How's our Romeo doing?", Trayton asked from the door
"Jesus! You scared me" I cried out.
How long had he been standing there?
How much of this cold conversation did he hear?
I never wanted to give Trayton a reason to say, I told you so.
But now it seemed that day was getting closer and closer.
"You look like you just got your heart broken"
"Go away", I rolled my eyes
"He's just… busy"
Trayton scoffed.
"Busy already, it's not even been up to 24 hours and he's too busy for you?"
"He's still settling in, cut him some slack Tray. Why are you here anyways?"
Making it obvious that I wanted to be left alone.
"My friends want to head out to the lake this weekend. With finals coming up and people leaving…we want to let loose before we all go our separate ways. Thought you'd might want to join us"
"Seeing how he was the only one you'd hang out with. Now that he's gone, please try to have some fun."
I stared at him. I can't believe this guy!
He wasn't totally wrong though.
I didn't have many friends.
I sort of shut everyone else out after getting together with Merv.
Apart from him, Cy and Trayton, I was pretty much still my introverted shy self around people.
How can I have fun without him, being with him was what made me happy.
But I couldn't stay indoors sulking over him if we aren't going to be speaking constantly anyways.
I desperately wanted to decline.
But what good would that do me.
Hopeless romantic…
"Fine", I gave in. "Just come get me when it's time. You know I hate to walk into a place by myself"
"Of course, of course, I'll come get you Sis."
He came closer and looked at me
"You need to let loose Emma. He's not worth skipping dinner over"
I hadn't realized the plate of mashed potatoes and sausages he'd placed on my bed.
"Please eat. I'll come get you tomorrow." he said, walking out the door.
The next evening came too fast.
I stood in front of my mirror longer than necessary, changing twice before settling on jeans and a loose sweater.
Not too dressed, not too careless.
Like it mattered.
Trayton texted when he arrived.
Outside.
I grabbed my phone almost immediately.
Still no new messages
Of course.
The drive to the lake was quieter than usual. Trayton's music played low, something upbeat didn't match my mood.
"You're thinking too loud," he said suddenly.
"I'm not thinking."
"Exactly."
I rolled my eyes but didn't respond.
The lake came into view- glowing under string lights, music echoing across the water.
Laughter spilled into the night air.
Someone had started a small bonfire near the shore.
It was beautiful.
And I felt completely disconnected from it.
Why did I agree to come anyways.
Trayton parked and stepped out first. He walked around to my side like I was fragile glass.
"You'll be fine," he said quietly.
"I know."
But I didn't.
We walked down together. Tray's friends waved at him to join them.
"Let loose," he said before walking towards the group.
I nodded and headed for a single spot under a branch distant from the fire to sit.
Loosing myself into watching a ladybug landing next to me.
"You're going to burn a hole through that screen."
Cy.
My gaze had shifted from the bug to my phone unconsciously.
I laughed lightly and beckoned for him to sit next to me.
"You look…" he hesitated. "Like you don't want to be here."
"That obvious?"
"Only to me."
I tried to laugh but it came out thin.
We sat in silence for a moment, watching the ripples dance under the lights.
"He call?" Cy asked gently.
I shook my head.
"He did yesterday. But it felt…" I trailed off.
"Different?" Cy finished.
I looked at him sharply.
"Yeah."
Cy's jaw tightened slightly.
"He's under pressure," he said carefully.
"You sound like you're defending him."
"I'm not."
But he didn't sound convinced himself.
The music shifted to something slower. People started drifting toward the dock.
I swallowed.
I recognized the song.
Merv and I danced to it at prom.
It became our song.
Cy noticed the way my shoulders stiffened.
"Come on," he said suddenly, holding out his hand.
"What?"
"Dance with me."
"Cy — "
"You're overthinking. It's just a dance."
I spotted Trayton from across the clearing, he was watching.
I hesitated.
But staying still felt worse.
I placed my hand in Cy's.
His grip was warm. Steady.
We moved slowly, not too close, not too far.
Just enough.
"You're cold," he murmured.
"I'm fine."
"You don't have to pretend with me."
That did it.
The tears I'd been holding back since the day Merv left burned behind my eyes.
"I just… I thought we were solid," I whispered. "It's been barely a day and I already feel like I'm losing him."
Cy's hand tightened slightly at my waist.
"You're not losing him."
But there was something in his voice.
I looked up at him.
His eyes weren't on the crowd.
They weren't on the lake.
They were on me.
Soft.
Intense.
Too intense.
"Cy…" I started.
He swallowed and looked away quickly.
"Sorry," he muttered. "I just hate seeing you like this."
The song continued.
My head rested lightly against his chest without thinking.
And for the first time since Merv left-
I felt steady.
Safe.
No, this can't be happening.
Why did I feel so drawn to him.
It felt oddly familiar.
Or maybe it was because they were friends.
They had similar mannerisms.
Yes, that's probably it. Nothing more.
He's just offering me a shoulder to lean on while my boyfriend is away.
Well, that sounded more harmful than I thought it would.
Across the clearing, Trayton stood sipping his drink.
He saw it.
The way Cy looked at me.
The way I leaned into him.
He looked away first.
Miles away, in a dorm room that felt too loud and too small, Merv stared at his phone…
He had typed her name three times.
Deleted it three times.
His Father's words echoed in his head.
Cut distractions early.
He closed his eyes.
She wasn't a distraction.
She was everything.
But already…
The distance was beginning to do what pressure couldn't.