Ahhhhhhh—stoooop—STOP—don't kill me, please! No, no, no, no, no—are you serious right now?! Please, please—put that thing down!
AHHHH—uhu—aha—ahua—haha—huhu—hu—ha—ha—ah—ah—OUCH!
It hurt. Badly.
"Please—stop—wait—please," he blurted, words tumbling over each other. "I won't do it again. I swear. I swear. Just—just stop!"
Footsteps. Too close.
"No—no—not with that! I'll die for real this time!"
He bolted.
Huff—huff—huff—lungs burning—air tearing in and out—then a sharp stop. He bent over, hands on his knees, dragging in a breath that tasted like panic.
Slowly, he looked around.
"…Is she still coming?"
Silence.
"Oh. Oh wow." He straightened, rubbing his arms. "I lived. I actually lived."
Then he noticed something else.
"…Huh?"
Boss.
He squinted upward. "You couldn't have warned me? At all?" His voice cracked halfway through the sentence.
"Just—boom—throw me into the story like that?"
He folded his arms, then unfolded them, then folded them again. "You know I have standards, right? Dignity? Think about the readers! They're going to laugh at me."
A sniff. Then another. "I can already hear it."
He cleared his throat—hard—and forced himself to stand properly.
"Anyway. Right. Introductions."
He turned toward you.
"Hello, readers. I'm your buddy in this boring sto—" He froze. "Nope. No. That was wrong. Forget I said that."
He exhaled, slower this time.
"Hello, readers. Welcome to this unique story. One of the best you'll read in your entire life. Possibly. Statistically speaking."
A pause.
"Boss?" he whispered sideways. "Was that convincing? I might've pushed it."
He shrugged. "Whatever. Focus on me. I'm the star of this story."
Another pause.
"…Okay, I'm lying."
He leaned in slightly. "I'm just here to help you survive this complicated mess and make it easier for your human brains to follow."
He winced. "Sorry. That came out mean. Again. Please don't hate me yet."
"Oh—right. My name." He straightened. "Moarik Ezwuven."
He waited.
"…Yeah. I know. Blame the writer. He named me." A scowl.
"I hate him."
A beat.
"And yes, before you ask, he's human. Just like you." He waved a hand quickly. "No offense. Please forget that too."
He glanced behind him.
"And don't ask what happened earlier. I won't tell you. Not even if you beg."
A grin flickered. Then vanished.
"…I was getting beaten up by someone who—"
He clamped his mouth shut.
"Hehe. Nope."
He stepped aside. "Alright. Focus up. The boss is about to start the actual story now, and I'll be forced to narrate it anyway."
He looked back at you.
"So let's begin, my fellow puppets."