"You're going to erase my memory? Oh, can you delete Tyler too?"
"Are you serious?!" I screamed with excitement. "Look, if you're going to erase it, please just delete the last year. Especially that cafe where I met Tyler, that day, and that disgusting caramel latte... If possible, erase the blonde girl's name too so I don't stalk her again. How does the memory wipe work? Is there a device? Or are you going to hit me with that staff? Please don't mess up my hair, I just got a blowout."
Astaroth raised his staff. A purple light began to swirl around us. "You are leaving, Madison. And I swear, if you ever look for me with that ridiculous board again, I will change the Wi-Fi password of Hell and condemn you to an offline darkness!"
"Wait! Wait!" I shouted as the light began to swallow me. "You didn't tell me the brand of your cape! Asti! Wait!"
Lord Astaroth—who probably deserved an award for being the most patient being in the universe—slammed his staff onto the ground in fury. The 7th Level of Hell, the "Square of Bureaucracy and Never-Ending Forms," shook to its core.
Around the lava pits, demons who were supposed to look like living nightmares were lined up. Winged ones, horned ones, ones with skin glowing like snake scales... but their shoulders were slumped, and they had dark circles under their eyes. Why? Because for the last three hours, Madison had been giving them a presentation titled: "Why did Tyler follow this girl?"
The "Corporate" Staff of Hell Assembles
Astaroth sat on his throne, swirling his cape with a dramatic gust of wind (which in Hell is just a broken industrial fan).
"Ye Shadow Riders! Ye Bringers of Ruin!" Astaroth roared. "We are gathered here today to rid ourselves of the greatest threat to the balance of the universe... this girl!"
A giant, three-headed Cerberus pup—well, not exactly a pup, but Madison had named him 'Fluffy'—poked his heads out of a lava pool, wagging his tails for a piece of pizza crust from Madison's hand.
"Look, boys," Madison said, wiping her tears with a napkin while tugging at the edge of Astaroth's cape. "Asti is right, I'm miserable. But you have to understand me. Tyler checked in at the gym last week, right? In the reflection of the mirror, you can see the tip of that blonde girl's sneaker! Can this be a coincidence? Mr. Demon, do you think this is a coincidence?"
Madison walked over to a muscular, terrifying demon who was about to push a sinner into a sulfur pit. The demon's name was probably 'Gorgon the Terrible,' but right now, he had dropped his spear and was staring at a screenshot on Madison's phone.
"I mean, sis," the giant demon rumbled, his voice like a cavernous echo but surprisingly sympathetic. "I think she might just be a friend. Look, he liked the photo but didn't comment. We punish liars here, and Tyler is still staying in the 'gray area'."
"Gray area? Oh, you're such a visionary demon!" Madison cried. "Exactly! Tyler is the ultimate 'Gray Area' man! Asti, see? These guys know their stuff, and you're still insisting on 'erasing my memory.' Why don't we just hack into Tyler's DM inbox first? Doesn't your staff crack passwords or something?"
Astaroth gripped his staff with both hands. A vein in his forehead—likely connected to Hell's main fault line—began to twitch dangerously.
"ENOUGH!" the Lord screamed. "I am the commander of a demon army! I am the Prince of Darkness! I am not an IT specialist! Madison, all these terrifying creatures are currently trying to fix the main server because it burned out while trying to process your question about whether Tyler's rising sign is Scorpio!"
One of the demons held up a tablet: "My Lord, unfortunately, the demons assigned to listen to Madison's problems have quit. They filed resignation letters saying, 'We came here to inflict torment, not to be therapists.' Also, the politicians in the Politics District decided to retire after seeing Madison's talking speed, claiming they don't actually talk that much after all."
"Look," Madison said, wrapping herself deeper into Astaroth's cape. "If you send me back to Earth, the chance of me getting back with Tyler is 15%. But if you make me the 'Public Relations Manager' here, I can bring this boring bureaucracy up to HİGH standards in a week. First task we need to change the color of this lava to a 'Soft Rose'. This orange is so 2010..."