The hum of fireflies could be heard from outside the worn-out tent. Their lights would flicker like stars twinkling in the sky. While the sight was nice, the tent did nothing to protect us from the heat and humidity that was so characteristic of the Southeastern regions of New Artenia.
I couldn't sleep.
It was too dark to see anything but the outline of Raya's figure through the thin blanket we shared. By the rhythm of her breathing I could tell that she wasn't sleeping. Since I didn't feel like talking much, I shifted my gaze back to the fireflies.
Instead, it was Raya who broke the silence:
Raya: [You still awake, Adam?]
Though I'm sure she could already tell I was awake, I pretended like I didn't know that she knew.
Adam: [Yeah.]
Raya: [Why haven't you… "attacked" me yet?]
What?…
I slowly turned my head back towards her. Even in the darkness, I could tell that she was looking up at the fireflies like she hadn't just said something outrageous.
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
How do you expect me to respond to that?
Is that supposed to be a joke?
I've been with you since you were 12, so where did you even learn that kind of thing from?
I stared at her blankly as dozens of incomplete thoughts ran circles around my head.
Adam: [You mean like…]
Raya nodded her head, clarifying it so that I didn't have to directly say that word that would make any inexperienced couple anxious.
I turned back to face the ceiling of the tent.
Adam: [Well, it's… a morally gray area for someone like me.]
Raya: [Huh?]
This time it was Raya's turn to turn to her side and look at me in total confusion.
I glanced back at her nervously from the corner of my eye.
Shit, how do other reincarnators deal with this situation!? Of course, I mean other than Rudeus Greyrat, who would just go for it…
I looked straight at the ceiling for a while and didn't speak. It wasn't as if I'd never considered what I'd say if this topic ever came up. In fact, I'd come up with dozens of scripts for how I could go about explaining myself to her. It was just that they were all suited for hyper-specific scenarios, none of which were the exact one we were in at the moment. So, somehow, I was left effectively unprepared.
Words I wanted to say, words I shouldn't say, and words I couldn't say floated around my brain. I pulled parts from the many scripts I'd previously written to try and come up with something.
Raya patiently stared at me as I panicked internally. A small amount of light reflected off her large round eyes. I could tell that those beautiful things were observing me carefully and taking in every part of me. She could probably tell what a nervous mess I was becoming.
When I finally thought of what I would say, I sat up. My back was facing Raya in a poor attempt to hide myself from those powerful eyes of hers.
Adam: […I have been hiding a secret from you for a while now,] I said, before instantly realizing how wrong the script already sounded. [Okay, it's not really a secret, but it's kinda hard to just bring up, you know? Like, if you'd asked at any point I would've told you. And I wanted to tell you but I thought it might change the way you see me. No, I mean… it's not like it's something bad --well, I guess that depends on how you see it-- but it's, like, kinda complicated and hard to believe. I mean--]
Oh shit. Oh shitty shit shit fuck! I'm spiraling! How did I fuck it up that bad!?
Raya: [If you don't want to tell me, that's fine. If you do want to tell me, I'll listen. That was our agreement, right?]
I looked back at Raya, astounded at how not a single one of the words either of us were saying was according to the script.
Raya: [Why are you so nervous?] she asked, smiling. [During not a single one of the times we faced certain death together did you shake this much. Are you trying to say that I'm scarier than a colossal sea serpent, oceans of monsters, or teams of deadly assassins?]
She reached for my hand and held it, which I hadn't even realized was shaking.
Hah, she's right. The only other time I've been this nervous was when I killed myself as Pax.
The comparison between the two scenarios was so stark that I couldn't help but scoff at myself.
I kissed Raya on the cheek and breathed out an even breath.
I'll just be honest then.
Adam: [You could say that I have memories from my past life. 15 years of growing up in a different world and then dying. Simply put, I'm much older than I look. Well, that depends on how you'd count age in this situation, but that's besides the point… Huh, that's actually the main gist of it. Any questions or comments?]
Somehow, everything seemed so simple when I said it out loud. I watched cautiously as Raya slowly sat up, her long messy hair falling to her shoulders.
Her eyes turned away from mine, most likely taking a moment to process her thoughts. For a long time I had thought about what her reaction to this would be. And just as I'd predicted, there was initially silence.
Raya always approached things in a calm manner. But I didn't know if she would still be able to stay calm if she found out I'd been lying to her for our entire time together.
It all depended on how she interpreted my situation. Some of my earlier scripts did a better job of painting me as a victim in this situation. Some of them mixed some lies in with the truth to make what I'd done seem less horrible. While I didn't do a great job explaining my position, it was possible that my nervousness could've made me more sympathetic...
What a disgusting train of thought.
Rather than continue thinking about what had already happened, I started trying to guess what Raya might've been thinking at the moment. But after looking at her expressionless face for a while I then abandoned that idea.
Raya was taking so long to say anything that I started getting nervous. I clenched my hand to stop it from shaking and resisted the urge to ask her to hurry up. Eventually though, she did speak:
Raya: [That is not what I thought you were going to say… but I guess it makes sense in retrospect. I mean, you were always kind of weird.]
Weird?
My eyes narrowed at that word, but Raya pretended not to notice.
Raya: [That's not at all what I thought you were going to say though. I thought you would be like,] She said, pausing briefly to make a strange face. ['Raya, I accidentally killed a family of four while you weren't looking," or something. Either way, it doesn't make me feel any differently towards you.]
Adam: [What? How would I have accidentally killed a family of four?] I shook my head. [No, sorry, I mean are you sure you don't feel any different? I've lived a whole other life that you weren't a part of. Like in a world that worked completely different to this one. I'm basically an alien or some sort of monster.]
Raya: [Monster? I've done more monstrous things than just lying about my mental age. You've never even killed anyone, have you Adam?] She said, saying each word softer than the last and inching her way towards me. [You'd never hurt someone without a good reason. You've never even stolen from anyone or done anything shady for money.] Her gaze shifted to my eyes as she came close enough that I could see my own reflection in them. [I've seen the lengths you've gone to in order to spare the assassins sent after us, and I love you for it. You're no monster... no monster compared to me at least.]
She held the side of my face in her palm, and pressed her forehead onto mine with her eyes closed.
I smiled softly.
Adam: [You can tell me anything, you know? I wouldn't reject you no matter what you told me. I wouldn't resist you if you drove a blade into my heart. I wouldn't leave you if you told me you'd been lying for as long as we'd known each other because I've seen the truth in your smile and laughter. So... don't just call yourself a monster while hiding your sins from me. I carry whatever it is you're holding with you.]
Raya: [pfft. You hypocrite.]
She leaned forward and pinned me to the ground then kissed me on the lips. She pressed her body to mine and sank deeper into me.
We made out until she decided to gently pulled away. Her weight shifted as she sat up, but her gaze seemed different as she looked down at me. I was rendered speechless by the sight of the fireflies flickering through the tent behind her.
She looked like a goddess. I somehow fell in love with her even harder than I already had.
A smile twisted her lips as she leaned back down. She kissed my cheek before brushing my ear with her lips.
Raya: [So you want me to spill my secrets to you?] she whispered. [Fine. I've killed a total of 32 people. 3 were my brothers and sisters. 2 were my cousins. 11 were servants of the previous 5. I've killed 5 assassins sent by other members of my family. I killed a man who would've exposed us back in Guileva. And... I've killed every assassin sent after us since, including the ones you spared.]
I blinked, no thoughts running through my head. She held me tighter than she'd ever held me before.
Raya is a murderer?
I flexed my core muscles and forced the two of us to sit up. I raised my hand to peel Raya off of me, but ultimately decided against it. She was still wrapped around me, holding me as tight as she could.
Adam: [Thank you, Raya. If you hadn't killed all those people, you wouldn't be here with me right now.]
I felt as Raya's entire body relaxed. She peeled away from me to look into my eyes.
Adam: [You're not a monster, and neither am I,] I said, smiling honestly. I held her hand in mine. [We were just born into these tough situations.]
Raya kissed me passionately and I kissed her back. But it was more relaxed this time. We kissed without the fever of fiery passion that had burned as a vent to the things we hated about ourselves.
I'd lied to her.
She'd lied to me.
We couldn't be more perfect for one another.
I hugged her as hard as I dared and kissed her as hard as I could. But Raya still wanted more. I could tell by the quickening of her breath and... by the movement of her hand down my body.
She's never been one to hold back.
But something was still stopping me from taking that step with her.
Though it had happened long ago, the relations of my first life still haunted me. I had made more serious mistakes back then than that suicide. Those mistakes had hurt people other than me in ways that couldn't be undone.
Lust. That's what That Woman had told me I amounted to in my first life. Given that... shouldn't I stop history from repeating itself?
With that dousing of water, my fervor cooled a bit. I stopped Raya's hand and pulled away slightly. I was still not out of Raya's reach, but I was far enough to avoid crossing any lines.
Raya stared at me with a slight frown, clearly confused. Her cute green eyes narrowed and her head tilted to the side ever so slightly.
She knew everything and still desired me. She was 18, an adult, and knew what she was doing.
But a part of me still felt disgusted by my actions. The part of me who hated myself. Who felt I didn't deserve Raya or the fleeting happiness that I felt every second I spent with her. It was the same part of me who took over whenever Raya wasn't around and forced me to constantly relive all my regrets on loop in my head.
I didn't know what to do. Why did everything have to be so confusing?
Adam: [Just... wait a little bit longer before you... attack me.]
Raya chuckled at that wording and slid off me. She laid on her side and looked back up at me, who was still sitting up.
Raya: [Then tell me about these memories of another world. Of who you were in another life.]
As I set myself down, I considered where I could start. My first life had been filled with a lot of pain, but, when I stopped ignoring them, it also held many treasured memories for me. I smiled as I picked one out and began telling her about it.
Through talking to one another, the two of us gradually became closer in a meaningful way. Someday, I would be able to embrace her without guilt. But for the moment I would just take another steady step closer to her.
So each day I would approach her, getting closer and closer until the boundaries that separated us became nonexistent.
- - - - - - -
But it still wasn't close enough. Not nearly close enough for me to be satisfied.
My fist raised.
Bam
Not enough for me to feel comfortable in the happiness she gave me.
My sword pulled back.
Slash
Not enough for her happiness to become mine.
My first raised.
Bam
Not enough for me to fully understand her.
I took a step.
Bam
Not enough for me to by fully understood by her.
My fist raised once more.
Boom
A flying rock hit my shoulder, cleaving some flesh and spraying blood in various directions. I glared at the attacker that knocked me out of my stupor. The next moment his head was in in my hands.
Yes, It hasn't been long enough for me to be comfortable in this happiness. To be comfortable with the idea of happiness.
The decapitated head flew and crushed the skull of a chanting mage.
Crunch
But maybe there's just a certain level of anxiety and paranoia to existence. A feeling that you're doing something wrong no matter what you do.
Bam
All I want is to keep living happily with Raya…
Bam
To find out whether or not I'm truly suited to happiness.
Boom
Blood previously splashed on a hooded figure exploded, killing the woman instantly while mutilating everyone around her in a 2-meter radius.
Bam
But these people keep chasing us…
Bam
They will never leave us alone…
Bam
That's why I have to kill them…
Bam
Even if I lose a part of me that was just barely holding on before…
Bam
Even if I die…
Bam
Because this is the correct thing to do... right?
Bam
Adam: [How many has that been so far? I've lost count.]
The metallic stench of death overwhelmed my senses. Snorting the blood straight up my nose wouldn't have made the smell more pungent. But it wasn't the smell that made me sick. I was used to the smell of blood after all.
No, It was the sight that beheld my eyes that made me want to vomit. It was the sight of all the death I'd once avoided having taken over the entire world. It was the sickeningly vibrant red that could only be seen in hell.
I used my hand to clear some of the blood off my eyes. It didn't change the color of the scenery.
All of the grass in the clearing had turned a brilliant crimson. In places where the grass and trees had been uprooted, the dirt and boulders underneath had taken on a dirty maroon.
Corpses were littered everywhere as if they were fallen leaves. Mutilated. Torn apart. Burned and bloodied and painted in the color of agony.
While I averted my eyes and turned to check on how Raya was holding up, three more enemies popped out from behind me. Perhaps they had been hiding amongst the corpses of their friends, but I could easily sense them coming with Detection.
Adam: [Dammit, no matter how many times you try that, you'll just die.]
With a swing of my sword, two of the assailants were bisected. I dodged the third's attack, sidestepped him, then kicked the left side of chest. He went flying into a nearby tree and crumpled to the ground lifelessly.
It's a massacre. Maybe Raya and I actually are monsters.
For a moment, there was no more movement. Most likely, anyone that was still alive was hiding somewhere or preparing an ambush. Still, I relished the brief respite.
I glanced at a corpse brutally torn in half down the middle.
If I didn't kill these people, they would kill Raya.
I had lost track of how many times I'd told myself that. Months ago, when I'd killed a person for the fist time, I'd told myself that I would remember each death I'd caused. That I wouldn't let them be forgotten. I wanted to carry them on as a sort of penance, but already I'd forgotten that man's face.
In my memory, all the assassins shared the same monstrous face. It was an ugly and contorted face of fear and sorrow. But I could still feel their determination and mad desire to kill me even as they choked on their own blood.
I wondered if I would show that same face when I finally encountered Kael Drogo. I wondered if he too would consider me a monster.
That would be acceptable. Anything as long as Raya is safe.
And so I cleared my throat and focused back on the task at hand, having arrived at the same conclusion I'd come to years ago.
Adam: [How are you feeling, Raya?]
Though I'd tried my best to stop the enemies from getting to Raya, it was impossible to do so completely with so many of them. This time, since our only hope at winning against Kael Drogo was if Raya could fully utilize Ryuzu's Fang, I had a good excuse for being a meat shield.
Raya: [Not too bad honestly. There are only a few guys left, but they don't seem inclined to come at us directly. Be on guard for the big man though.]
An arrow came flying at Raya, but she caught it with her hand and threw a lightning bolt in the direction that the arrow was shot from.
No other arrows came flying after that, so I assumed she got him.
Slash
Just after I began walking over to Raya's side, an intangible blade cut through my arm, my leg, and parts of my torso at once.
Unexpectedly, or should I say exactly as expected, Kael Drogo has arrived.
I tried to dodge away from where the invisible slash came from while reattaching my severed arm and leg, but a kick that came from nowhere struck me in the center of my chest. I was sent flying and tumbling until a small boulder intercepted my path.
Raya stepped in front of me and drew her sword. As she did so, the atmosphere became charged with static electricity. Like a tesla coil, electricity jumped off her body and danced on the ground.
Raya: [Hello, Grandfather, it's so kind of you to join the party.]
With a groan, I stood back up, fully healed once more.
Kael: [Keh, that friend of yours is rather durable. Mind if I take him as my new punching bag?]