The teleportation spell from the Heavenly Realm to the Ashen Valley was significantly smoother on the way down.
With a soft, golden flash, the entire pink patio, the sizzling hibachi grill, and the massive cast of characters materialized perfectly back onto the balcony of the Tropical Sunrise Resort.
Leo immediately checked the grill. "Nice. Still holding at a solid 400 degrees. Good heat retention on this dwarven iron."
Maya stretched her arms, adjusting her Tom Ford sunglasses as the warm, volcanic breeze washed over them. "Much better. The air up there was way too sterile. My skin was starting to dry out."
Down on the floor, little Elara was giggling as Marshmallow the Fenrir pup chased his own fluffy white tail, completely unbothered by the fact that they had just mentally traumatized the omnipotent ruler of the cosmos.
"Alright, Malakor, Kaelen," Leo clapped his hands together. "Take the grill back to the kitchen. And grab me a fresh coconut."
The two towering Demon Lords bowed flawlessly in their butler suits. "At once, Lord Leo! The hospitality shall resume!"
But as the smoke cleared from the teleportation, a loud, pathetic whimpering sound echoed from the corner of the balcony.
Leo and Maya turned.
Lying face-down on the coral-pink tiles, still clutching their iron dirt shovels and covered head-to-toe in bunker mud, were King Aldric and King Vane. The teleportation spell had locked onto their location in the Heavenly Realm and dragged them all the way to the Demon Fortress by accident.
King Aldric slowly lifted his head, spitting out a mouthful of dirt. He looked to his left and saw a massive, lava-filled volcano. He looked to his right and saw the Vanguard of the Apocalypse doing landscaping duty.
"Vane," Aldric sobbed, his royal crown completely bent. "We are in Hell. The humans have brought us to Hell."
Maya looked down at them, her eye twitching slightly. She hated mud.
"Kaelen," Maya sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Why are the monarchs on my clean floor?"
"A magical tethering error, Lady Maya!" Kaelen panicked, furiously wiping the mud off the tiles with his pristine white napkin. "They must have been caught in the gravitational pull of your immense, god-like annoyance!"
"Well, get rid of them," Maya ordered, waving her hand dismissively. "I don't care where you put them, but I don't want to see them. They're ruining the aesthetic of my relaxation time."
"Understood!" Kaelen bowed. He grabbed the two human kings by the scruff of their royal robes and dragged them effortlessly down the hallway.
Smash cut to the Staff Quarters.
The Demon Barracks had been hastily renovated into a "break room" for the Vanguard. It smelled like sulfur, cheap demonic cologne, and whatever spicy meat they were currently roasting over a trash-can fire.
Kaelen kicked the iron door open and tossed the two Human Kings inside like sacks of potatoes.
"You will stay here until the Patrons decide what to do with you," Kaelen hissed. "Do not touch the thermostat. Do not make a sound." Kaelen slammed the door, locking it from the outside.
Aldric and Vane trembled, slowly sitting up in the dimly lit room.
Sitting around a makeshift table made out of a giant, flattened skull were General Pavan, General Karthik, and General Aman. The three terrifying, spiked, bloodthirsty commanders of the Demon Army were currently in the middle of a highly aggressive game of magical cards.
Aman slammed a card down, his massive biceps bulging. "Draw four, Pavan! Eat it!"
"You're cheating!" Pavan shrieked, his demonic wings flaring out in pure rage. "You looked at my reflection in Karthik's polished armor! That's a foul!"
"Don't bring my armor into this, you sore loser!" Karthik snapped, swatting Pavan's hand away. "If you guys wake up the human's dog, I'm throwing you both out the window."
The three generals suddenly stopped arguing. They slowly turned their terrifying, glowing red eyes toward the doorway.
King Aldric and King Vane gulped. These were the exact Demon Generals they had spent the last ten years fighting a brutal, bloody war against. These were the monsters who had slaughtered their knights and burned their villages.
And now, they were roommates.
Aman slowly cracked his massive knuckles. Karthik bared his razor-sharp fangs. Pavan stood up, his towering silhouette casting a terrifying shadow over the two trembling kings.
"Well, well, well," Pavan growled, his voice dripping with malice. "Look what the butler dragged in. The Kings of Humanity."
"P-Please," Aldric whimpered, holding up his dirt shovel like a shield. "We surrender! We have gold! We have lands!"
Pavan leaned down until his fangs were inches from Aldric's face.
"Listen to me very carefully, Your Majesty," Pavan whispered darkly. "I call top bunk. Aman gets the bottom bunk. Karthik sleeps on the floor because he snores."
Aldric blinked. "What?"
"And if you track mud onto that rug," Karthik added, pointing a jagged claw at a cheap, woven mat near the door, "I will personally use your royal robes as a mop. The Lady Maya just had us vacuum in here, and I am not doing it again."
"Also," Aman grunted, shuffling the deck of cards. "We're doing a spicy food challenge for the vlog—I mean, for the troops' entertainment tonight. You guys are the taste-testers. Sit down and take a card. If you lose, you're eating the Hellfire Peppers."
King Vane looked at King Aldric. The grand, epic war of light and dark had officially been reduced to a frat-house punishment.
"Draw your cards, humans," Pavan grinned, dealing them in. "And welcome to the Bindass—err, the Vanguard Buddies."