I think I have experienced so much loss that even Lizmarie kicked me in the face. I would thank her for it because it makes her still cares for me and sends me a reply. I am codependently attached to her and I simply can not give up.
Huh? I decided to reread Elaina Zyxelle's messages and now that I look at it, her behaviors seem justified after what I did. I mean I acted pretty disrespectfully and I was acting selfishly to avoid getting hurt by her. I suppose I overwhelmed her with messages and saw how aggressive I acted in managing my own server that she decided to block me.
In the end all of my friends chose to be selfish and placed their own needs before mine. Which was fair but it also hurts knowing that I was once someone who often placed others' needs before my own. At least now, I know that I am on the right path by becoming more selfish as stated by Dante. Why would I be selfless when that hasn't been harming me more than benefitting me? Dante was rather arrogant for thinking she had a place to get in my way of business for Lizmarie.
Anyone who dies in scenario #2 of 'Scenarios: Ruined World' will become a sex slave to Jessica. I tested my own endurance by walking a good amount without eating anything. I would need to go back home and eat something in which I wanted to eat dumplings for breakfast.
Ah fuck, I might get discharged from the hopistal because I keep on leaving groups and the hopistal policies aren't working. Even Sebastian goes 'wtf' at me when he hears that I was listening to the rules. "Now it's time to fix it" when he heard me tell him that my ADHD was wilding. I wanted to do whatever I want and take my time to smoke though.
Fuck getting discharged from the Gooden center is not what I wanted. I got stressed out enough that I started to smoke my third cigarette of the day. "Uuughhhh Shitttttt" I texted Sebastian. "I know, it happens though. You want to stay as safe as I can". He replied to me. I coughed as I almost finished my cigarette. I guess I have issues with not listening to folks.
My throat hurts as I smoke more of my cigarette. I wanted to self harm myself. "The authorities don't know what to do with me so they just keep on referring me elsewhere" I texted to Sebastian. The hit was strong as I inhaled and burned to the blue line of the cigarette. I didn't know if I could commit to group therapy or not.
"Do you know what a regressor is?" I asked Sebastian. "No," he said. I searched up what regressor meant on google and it said "A regressor is a person who reverts to a younger state of mind or behavior, often as a coping mechanism for stress, trauma, or mental health issues. This can involve acting, thinking, or feeling like a child to find comfort or safety."
"It's me," stated Sebastian. "It's also me," I replied back to him. He reacted with a heart when I texted him that message. Fuck why did I decide to smoke a fourth cigarette today? Am I starting to develop an addiction? I needed something cold so I walked to Yogurtland. Don't smoke, kids just eat ice cream instead haha.
Chance told me that smoking actually raises your blood pressure. I can feel the nicotine in my throat and in my own mouth. I resumed reading Reunion because it was relatable. Ack, the burning hits my throat and my finger. Why the hell did I have to smoke a fourth cigarette?
I started to step on the cigarette to burn it off. Some poor children are probably going to be corrupted by me and start smoking just to copy me huh. The sweet savory of a gummy worm was pretty good and tasted much better than nicotine. Cookies and cream flavor as well as Cheesecake flavor ice cream from Yogurtland, that's what I liked.
Sour gummy worms, mini reese pieces, cookie dough pieces, and brownie pieces were what I put on my toppings. I relaxed in Yogurtland while eating my ice cream. Oh, I'm just like Lizmarie aren't I? I socially isolate myself…hahahahaha...
I wanted to talk to someone but would talking to someone really help me? I ended up destressing by going on a walk.
[ Lizmarie Khaleesi Lectora is the 'One Destined to Kill the Demon King of Liberation' ]
Fragment of 'Lizmarie and Caleb' story has started:
Caleb: But hey ORV part I'm reading right now made me want to cry. A bugcat emoji is inserted.
Lizmarie: I'm afraid to ask what happened. Insert a sob emoji.
Caleb: Okay so what happens is- (a nerd and finger point is inserted) a guy is willing to go through hella pain and suffering just to meet another guy again.
Lizmarie: pain ;-;
The fragment story of 'Lizmarie and Caleb' has ended.
I really like how expressive and empathetic Lizmarie was at times. I want to build a library in Puerto Rico. Maybe having a Barnes and Nobles in Puerto Rico would be good.
"Bittu took my authority
After I tried sending him the maid dress"
says Binarry after I asked the lesbian why she doesn't have authority anymore.
Binarry started sending orv memes in the workshop server after saying that.
This smoking shit burns my turn, I don't know why I keep on doing it. Is this me having an addiction at peak? I smoked today at 5am while walking to the park. Now I'm smoking before the therapy group even starts. I typically smoke twice in the morning. Maybe I do it in earlier days but not at night.
Sonia came up to me and shouted "what are you doing?! It's 9am!" It was like she was scolding me for not being in group therapy but I didn't really want to go. Groups aren't my thing and they kind of stress me out. Maybe that's why I'm smoking because I feel like I'm not working.
"All you do is think about yourself!" Is what my mom said to me which is about half right and half wrong. My mom shouted at me saying she was done giving me allowances. She also said "I'm not your uber driver!" I don't just care about myself, I care for others too. I just have different values than my family does.
I get told often that I'm rude, disrespectful, or impolite. God forbid I am being extremely honest and acting as myself. I don't even care if people are rude to me either as long as they're honest. Life was never easy anyways. I've always been rejected countless times.
[ Story of 'Rude Man' has been recorded ]
This time I had to smoke fast because the bus was coming and this time I felt dizzy. Is this what being high felt like? I liked myself better when I'm high, I was dizzy and shit. That was my third cigarette of the day being smoked at 1:20pm in the afternoon. I decided to put my discord status as "am I high on Nicotine?" with a penguin dancing emoji. The smell was quite obvious on my clothes.
I was going to the AMC movies to watch disclosure day. My mom said she would give me an allowance of $300 if I quit smoking. It was funny how I was becoming more and more like my father who smokes nicotine. I was definitely feeling nauseous considering I made a throw up gagging thing but didn't actually threw up.
I decided to buy Junior Mints, Sour Patch Kids, and AMC Cinema Sweets which is just milk chocolate covered and dark chocolate drizzled pretzels which all added up to $19.77 and I got a change of $0.25 back. I was bored so I decided to spend some money, this is what happens when you're unemployed and don't have a job. You start spending money on things you don't want.
The chocolate covered pretzels were really good, the sweet layer of chocolate then salty pretzels inside makes a good combination. The burning sensation of smoking was kind of nice. Great….now I'm smoking because I was bored. I practically smoked my first pack of cigarettes in a week….. my mom would probably tell me to stop smoking, she caught me smoking on the first week that I started smoking….
I like seeing the burns when I inhale my cigarette. Even though it made me cough and feel nauseous. It was a form of self destruction after all. I was causing people to second hand smoke as well by first hand smoking.
Disclosure Day as a movie was so boring that I decided to walk out mid movie to go back home. I would rather watch 'The Walking Dead' than Disclosure Day. I am at peace now and I'm grateful for it. I have a loving boyfriend who I can do the things I want and he also is a fan of ORV. I have a mom who I can rely on for help. I have food on the table and I have friends who love me for who I am. I only wish my mom didn't threaten me to throw away my cigarettes.
I loved Lizmarie so much that I couldn't write about her death. I loved her so much that I was willing to sponsor her using a title that was the strongest sponsor I had available in 'Scenarios: Ruined World'.
Just like Yoo Joonghyuk in ORV and TWSA never had a response to his sponsor. I never got a response from my sponsor either. I wonder if the readers could guess who my sponsor was. I thought it was quite obvious after all.
I threw away the Sky Blue American Spirit cigarette box and brought myself a Turquoise American Spirit Box. The cigarette filter colors were different. The Turquoise one had a yellow filter while the Sky Blue one had a white filter. The Turquoise one looked just like the cigarettes you would see everywhere.
The Turquoise one tasted more smooth for some reason. No one even cares that I smoke anyways, I know I deserve better and all but reality isn't so kind. I just keep on losing friends and then gaining new ones. I'm rude, disrespectful, impolite, selfish, a stalker, obsessive, etc….. that's what others told me that I am anyways. I forgot to bring water for myself and I'm heading to the Gooden Center to get water and my ice cream.
The Gooden Center ended up being locked and I couldn't get my ice cream nor water. So I had to take the bus home instead.
[ Borderline Personality Rage is triggered at Lizmarie Mateo Roubert ]
Andrew grabs the Sword of Seraph Yuu and chases down Lizmarie who ends up running in circles. She ran really far until she tripped down on a rock. Andrew was able to catch up to her. "You just had to abandon me when I needed you the most didn't you? Not only did you abandon me once and leave me when I needed you, you did it twice" he told her as he pulled her hair up and placed a sword near her neck.
[ Andrew kills Ashley and himself story has started ]
"I should have done this long ago, Lizmarie" he says his last swords to her as he slices her neck with his sword. Green horns grew as he committed to that action. Then he puts his own sword to himself and slices his own neck. Thus he regresses once more by dying.