Narrator's P.O.V.
The late afternoon brought a gentle breeze, easing a bit of the heat that still lingered on the neighborhood sidewalks. Kael and Samuel walked side by side, their steps slow and their fingers intertwined with a natural ease that had slowly become part of their routine. They both truly enjoyed just walking around together, holding hands, oblivious to everything around them.
They talked about small things. Commented on something from their day, laughed at an inside joke, and occasionally fell silent without it ever becoming uncomfortable. It was one of those simple moments Kael had learned to hold onto carefully, because he knew they didn't happen as often as he would like.
Samuel gently swung their joined hands when, all of a sudden, he grew quiet. The boy kept his eyes fixed on the asphalt for a few seconds, as if carefully picking his words. It was noticeable that something was bothering him, but the older man waited for him to take the initiative to speak rather than asking about it. After a few seconds of silence, Samuel turned his face to Kael.
"How's your mom?" he asked suddenly.
Kael looked at him.
"My mom?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah..." Samuel squeezed his fingers a little tighter. "Last time we went there, I got the impression she was mad at me or something. It felt like she doesn't like me."
Kael frowned in surprise.
"Are you crazy, Samuel?" He laughed.
Samuel let out a short chuckle, but didn't seem fully convinced.
"I don't know. She seemed kind of distant with me. She was always gentle, but that time it felt like, I don't know... did I do something wrong?" His voice sounded tearful.
"Babe, my mom is distant with everyone. It surprises me that she's always been so sweet to you." Kael caressed the younger boy's hand, trying to comfort him somehow.
"Is she like that with you too?"
"Especially with me."
The boy laughed, and Kael took the opportunity to lean in, pressing a quick kiss on Samuel's cheek.
"She likes you a lot, babe. She was probably just having an off day."
"Are you sure?" A glint of hope lit up the curly-haired boy's eyes.
"I'm absolutely sure!" he concluded.
Samuel kept looking at him, waiting for some firmer confirmation. Kael noticed and smiled.
"Actually, I went to visit her the other day. Her best friend was there, remember? That woman you met when we stopped by a while ago."
"I think I remember, yeah," he said, squinting as if retrieving the memory.
"Well, she started asking about you."
Samuel raised his eyebrows.
"Asking what?"
"Wanted to know if we're still together, if you were studying, stuff like that. Then she started saying she thought you were handsome, polite, sweet..."
Samuel's cheeks began to turn a deep shade of red. He was blushing. His mood shifted from the fear of having displeased Kael's mother to a shy yet genuine happiness.
"She said that?" He smiled timidly.
"She did."
"And your mom?"
"Agreed with everything, of course."
Samuel lowered his gaze, trying to hide the smile spreading across his face.
"Really?"
"Really. My mom had nothing but praise. Said I'm very lucky."
The boy's smile opened completely. It was a simple, almost innocent reaction, but it hit Kael with unexpected force. There was such genuine joy on the younger boy's face, such a beautiful trust in the way he received those words, that Kael felt his chest warm up.
At the same time, something cold settled in his stomach. He couldn't explain exactly what it was. Maybe guilt. Maybe fear. Maybe the awareness that Samuel was happy by his side, while he himself carried an internal restlessness he hadn't yet found the courage to confess. He couldn't bear to look at Samuel for long and averted his eyes to the street.
For a few seconds, he squeezed Samuel's hand tighter. But the tightness of his fingers was nothing compared to the tightness inside his heart...
(...)
As soon as the apartment door closed behind them, Kael felt the weight of reality fall back onto his shoulders. Being back home, on that day, felt almost suffocating. He couldn't tell why, but even being so absurdly happy in Samuel's presence, a thread of sadness was deepening within his being. Truth was, he did know. He knew the reason for that feeling, and he knew he wasn't prepared for what would happen the moment he exposed it.
Samuel, still smiling from their conversation about Kael's mother, walked down the hallway toward the bedroom, with the older man following behind. He was completely at ease, talking about the movie he wanted to watch and debating which one of them should pick something to eat. He was so excited...
Kael, however, paused near the bathroom. He needed to breathe, or else he was going to explode.
"Babe, go ahead. I just need to use the bathroom, okay?"
"Alright. Can I start picking the movie?"
"Of course..." Kael smiled gently.
Samuel kept walking, suspecting nothing. Kael stepped into the room, closed the door, and turned the key. In the very next second, the smile vanished from his face. He rested both hands on the sink and hunched over, letting his breath out all at once. He was breathing as if he had held his breath the entire way home. His chest rose and fell with difficulty, and his fingers tightened against the cold porcelain.
During their walk, he had managed to talk, laugh, and act like everything was fine. But now Samuel was just a few feet away, waiting for him on the bed, and the anguish Kael had been trying to hide came rushing back full force. He raised his face slowly. His reflection in the mirror looked exhausted in a way that went far beyond long work hours. His eyes were heavy, his expression drawn, and there was something about his own face that made him feel like a stranger to himself.
Kael swallowed hard.
The tightness in his chest grew.
A painful knot formed in his throat and, for a moment, he felt like just sitting on the floor and crying until he couldn't anymore. But he couldn't. Samuel was waiting, so he couldn't do that now. Kael squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath through his nose. He held the air for a few seconds before letting it out slowly through his mouth. He repeated the movement again. And again.
"Stay calm..." he pleaded with himself.
When Kael opened his eyes, he tried to smile. The first smile came out weak and trembling. It needed to be better, so he tried again. The second one looked more natural. Kael ran his hands over his face, fixed his hair, and observed his expression for a few moments. He wasn't okay. He knew it. But he needed to look okay.
He needed to get back to Samuel.
So he unlocked the door and stepped out of the room, leaving all the anguish locked inside the bathroom...
(...)
The movie's end credits rolled up the television screen, casting a bluish light across the dark room. Samuel was lying beside Kael, his head resting near his shoulder. The tips of his fingers traced distracted shapes on the sheet, while the silence between them remained comfortable.
Until Samuel spoke:
"I have to confess I got a little lost in the middle of the movie."
Kael turned his eyes toward him.
"I noticed," he laughed, teasing the younger boy.
"Oh, screw you, Kael!"
Kael let out a low laugh. He loved Samuel's reactions.
"But I liked it. Especially how they built their relationship."
"Aham..." Slowly, the man drifted out of focus, staring at the dark ceiling, his thoughts wandering.
"Like... they had a ton of difficulties, they were different in so many ways, but they managed to make it work in the end. I think that's so beautiful. I love seeing that kind of growth, it's so pretty!" Samuel seemed thrilled as he spoke, but Kael kept staring at the ceiling.
"Yeah. It was pretty," the answer came automatically.
Samuel stopped moving his fingers on the sheet. For a few seconds, he observed Kael's face. Then he propped himself up on his elbow, lifting his body a bit to see him better, literally staring at the older man blatantly.
"Kael?" he called.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
Kael blinked slowly and turned his face.
"Yeah..." his voice came out almost doubtful, as if he didn't believe his own answer.
Samuel narrowed his eyes.
"No, you're not. Don't lie to me, Ka, please."
"I'm just tired, Samuel. Really!" He tried, but he wasn't convincing enough.
"You barely paid attention to the movie."
"I did pay attention."
"No, you didn't."
Kael tried to smile, but the movement didn't reach his eyes. Samuel tilted his head, studying him carefully. He knew that smile was fake and hated when Kael did that. He knew the older man believed he could always hide what he was feeling or thinking, but he also knew Kael forgot the fact that he knew him very well too.
"Did something happen?"
That question hit Kael in an almost cruel way.
Because, yes, something had happened...
A lot had happened inside him, even though nothing had been said out loud. And Samuel was right there, looking at him with genuine concern, unaware that he was the exact person Kael wanted to protect from it the most.
The man raised his hand and ran his fingers through the boy's hair. The difference between them was glaring...
"Come here," he called.
Samuel approached without question. He never questioned when Kael called for him.
Kael held his face and kissed him. The kiss began gently. There was no rush, nor the physical urgency that so often surfaced between them. It was a slow, careful, almost reverent kiss. It was gentle, as if it were there to make them both feel each other with tenderness. The brown-skinned man parted his lips slowly and deepened the contact, feeling Samuel respond with the same delicacy. His hands traced the boy's face, touched his jaw, and moved down to his neck. Then held his waist, pulling him closer.
He wanted to save that moment. Wanted to memorize the texture of Samuel's skin, the warmth of his body, the way he tilted his face to make the kiss easier. Wanted to record every detail before time could rip it away from him. It was as if his fingers knew something his mouth didn't yet have the courage to say:
Samuel was far too precious.
And Kael was beginning to understand that perhaps he couldn't keep something so precious for himself...
The older man's breathing hitched. Samuel noticed the tremor in his chest first, but didn't have time to ask what was wrong. A hot tear slipped between their lips. Kael squeezed his eyes shut. Another tear fell. Then another, and another...
The kiss lost its rhythm. Kael's breathing grew ragged, and a muffled sob escaped before he could stop it. Samuel pulled back just enough to look at his face, confused.
"Kael?"
He didn't answer.
Tears kept streaming down his face.
"What's wrong?" Samuel asked, now frightened. "Did something happen?"
Kael tried to breathe, but couldn't organize the air inside his chest. The pain he had been holding back for so long finally found a way out. He leaned forward and buried his face in Samuel's neck.
The crying came all at once.
His whole body shook. Kael gripped the boy's shirt tightly, curling his fingers into the fabric as if he could stop Samuel from disappearing right there. His shoulders shook violently, and his sobs came out broken, deep, impossible to control. The boy froze for a few seconds. He didn't understand what was happening. There was no fight. There was no argument. Kael was crying as if something inside him had been shattered, but Samuel didn't know what.
Fear rose in his throat.
Still, he didn't pull away.
He wrapped his arms around Kael's back and pulled him closer.
"Hey... calm down." His voice came out shaky. "Kael, look at me."
Kael only gripped his shirt tighter.
Samuel swallowed hard and began caressing his back.
"I'm here. It's okay. I'm here with you."
Gradually, he adjusted them both against the headboard, keeping Kael pressed against his chest. The boy held him tightly, even without understanding the origin of that desperation.
Samuel had no answers, but he knew Kael needed him in that moment. And so, he just stayed there, waiting.
The crying took a long time to subside.
When it finally slowed down, Kael still kept his face hidden in Samuel's shoulder. His breathing came in spaced sobs, and the boy's shirt was damp where his tears had fallen. Kael pressed his fingers against his back one last time. Then he began to pull away. Samuel allowed it, but didn't completely let go of his arms. Kael's eyes were red and swollen. He took a deep breath, trying to find some stability before speaking.
Samuel watched him in silence. There was worry on his face. There was also fear. Kael noticed it. And that made everything even harder. He wasn't ready. Kael felt he couldn't handle it.
"I love you..." His voice came out raspy, broken.
Samuel didn't answer.
Kael looked away for an instant, trying to hold back the tears threatening to return. He had barely started speaking and was already being flooded by that sadness and despair again. He was so scared... but he knew there was no escaping it anymore.
"In these few months... you've made me feel so good and made me love you in such an intense way." He ran a hand over his face. "I love you, Samuel. I love everything about you. I love being with you, talking to you, listening to the things you say... I even love the silliest things."
Samuel remained still.
Kael felt his throat tighten.
"I love you," he repeated. "But I know that love isn't enough."
Samuel's face changed. It wasn't an exaggerated reaction. He just grew stiller, as if he had understood something even before Kael finished speaking.
"I'm not saying I'm tired of you," Kael continued quickly. "It's not that. I've never gotten tired of you. I'm tired of my job, of my life in general. You're the only good thing I have in my life these days, but loving you is too exhausting. It's too hard for us to have something; we can barely see each other, you can't be with me in the places I go, you can barely come over here without having to lie to your mom... It's so complicated, Samuel..."
Samuel lowered his eyes.
Kael tried to touch his face, but the boy pulled back slightly.
The movement was small, almost imperceptible.
Still, Kael felt as if he had taken a blow.
"Did I do something?" Samuel asked.
"What?! No!"
"Did I do something wrong, Kael?" The boy's voice came out weak, as if holding back tears.
"No, babe. You didn't do anything. I swear," he emphasized.
"Then why are you talking like this?"
Kael shook his head, desperate.
"Because I love you. Believe me."
Samuel let out a short, humorless laugh.
"I already believe you."
Kael was left without an answer.
The boy raised his eyes to him.
"I already understand, Kael." Samuel's voice was low, but there was a different stiffness to it. "You're breaking up with me."
The sentence echoed through the room. Kael felt the air leave his lungs. Samuel didn't avert his eyes.
"That's it, isn't it?" he asked. "Then tell me the real reason."
Kael closed his eyes for a second. He could try to soften it. He could choose less painful words. But he had promised honesty to Samuel and had promised he would always take care of him. Kael knew that if they continued, one or the other would get hurt, and he wouldn't forgive himself if he ended up hurting Samuel. And he didn't want to lie to him in that moment.
"The gap between us is too big."
Samuel remained silent.
"I thought I could handle it," Kael continued. "I thought we would find a way. But I can't manage it anymore."
His voice cracked with every sentence.
"I work ten hours a day and it leaves me exhausted. I have my freedom, I go out whenever I want, I don't need permission for anything. And you have your school, your home, your schedules... your mom. Your life is different from mine."
"I know it's different," he said.
"I know you know."
"Then what do you want me to do, Kael?" There was so much pain in his question. It made Kael look up.
Samuel was trying to keep his voice steady, but his eyes were already beginning to glisten. His face was fighting not to contort into a look of pure sadness, but both knew he was merely stopping the tears from coming out.
"Do you want me to turn into someone else?" he asked. "Stop studying? Fight with my mom? What do you want me to do?"
"It's not that."
"Then what is it, Kael? Tell me, I'll do it!" Desperation was starting to consume Samuel.
Kael opened his mouth, but took a long time to manage a response.
"I don't know how to make this work anymore."
Samuel looked to the side. For a few seconds, neither of them spoke.
Then he asked:
"Does this have to do with Íkaro?"
Kael froze.
The question seemed to suck all the air out of the room. His stomach twisted, and guilt shot up so fast it almost made him sick.
Samuel kept staring at him.
"Does it?"
Kael swallowed hard.
He couldn't lie.
"I'm... interested in him again."
The glint in Samuel's eyes faded a little more. Kael held his arms immediately.
"But it's not what you're thinking, babe. I don't feel anything for him, not like I feel for you. I didn't hook up with him or anything, it's just that I... I-I..."
Samuel didn't move.
"You want to hook up with him. It's simple," he said coldly.
"Yes... I'm sorry..."
Kael continued, desperate to be understood.
"He's always around, Samuel. Hangs out in the same circle, comes to my place, drinks with us. I see him during the week; he's present. And I..."
Kael stopped to breathe.
"I'm tired of missing you all the time."
Samuel lowered his face.
"I can't be with you whenever you want," he said softly, almost as if feeling ashamed.
"I know."
"I have my own things, Kael. I have my routine, and it's hard too..."
"I know, Samuel," he sighed, running a hand over his face.
"Then why are you blaming me for it?"
"I'm not blaming you."
"It feels like you are," he emphasized.
Kael felt his eyes burn.
"I don't want to trade you for him. That's not it. But his life fits mine right now. My routine fits his. And yours doesn't fit mine."
Samuel went quiet.
Kael realized, too late, how much those words must be hurting.
"We're not on the same page," he whispered. "And it's destroying me. I can't take just waiting for you anymore, Samuel. I want to live. Live with you, but mostly... live."
The silence that followed was heavy.
Samuel took a deep breath and nodded slowly, as if trying to organize everything he had just heard. When he looked back at Kael, there was a very quiet sadness on his face.
"I understand."
Kael felt his chest tighten.
"Samuel..."
"You think he's compatible with you."
"That's not what I meant."
"Yes, it is."
"Not like that."
Samuel let out a bitter laugh.
"Then explain it to me another way."
Kael couldn't. The boy looked away, passing his tongue over his dry lips.
"Alright," he murmured. "I understand."
He pulled back a little further, removing himself from the reach of Kael's hands.
"But you need to know one thing."
Kael stared at him.
Samuel held his gaze.
"The moment you cross that line and hook up with him..." Samuel paused, taking a deep breath before finishing his sentence. "...you will never have me again, Kael."
Kael felt his heart stop for an instant.
"Samuel..."
"Never again."
His voice trembled, but there was no doubt in it.
"I won't go back. I won't stay waiting for you to realize you made the wrong choice. I won't be available while you try to figure out if you want to be with me or with someone else."
Kael opened his mouth, but Samuel continued:
"It's better if we stop here."
The sentence was spoken with a firmness that didn't match the boy's tearful eyes.
"In my family, it's like this. When we close a chapter, we don't look back. Better to end it, since you're so tired. I won't question you."
Kael felt as if the ground had disappeared. The pain came so fast he could barely breathe. His face contorted, and he brought his hands to his mouth, trying to hold back his crying. There was no argument he could use. There was no promise he could make. Samuel was saying that if Kael chose to move forward, there would be no going back. And Kael knew that choice was being made.
The crying returned with full force.
He bent forward, covering his face with his hands, while sobs exploded in his chest. His body shook, but Samuel didn't pull him back. Maybe because he was also trying to stay whole. Maybe because he already knew that hug no longer belonged to the two of them. Kael couldn't say a thing. After a few seconds, he just nodded.
Once.
Slowly.
As if accepting those words was the only thing he could still do.
And in the dark of that bedroom, curled up in front of Samuel, Kael cried gripping his own arms.
Cried because he loved him.
He loved him so much!
Cried because he was tired.
And he was absurdly exhausted.
Cried because he knew that, even believing he was choosing the necessary path—rationally—he had just destroyed the only thing that still felt pure to him. The only thing that gave him genuine happiness.
Kael knew that, in that moment, he was losing the person he loved most...