"So..." Naturally, the right words stubbornly refused to come to mind when I needed them. "So that's what's been bothering you..."
"My own mother thought I was a monster," Azula snorted, giving a shrug and trying to make it look casual. "She was right, of course, but..." Her voice betrayed her then, and her shoulders trembled for just a moment. "It still hurts... And I'm still waiting for an answer!" Another furious glare scorched me.
I drew a deep breath through my nose and sank heavily onto the parapet, sitting cross-legged.
"If you want the practical answer, it's pretty simple: fairness. Murder, cruelty, and torture aren't frightening in and of themselves—they're just words. Things whose meaning depends entirely on the circumstances. They only become frightening to those around you, making them despise and fear the person responsible, when they're used unjustly.
"Hanging one of your soldiers because, in defiance of orders, he raped and murdered civilians is fair and right, and everyone will recognize that, even his friends. On the other hand, hang that same soldier for a sloppy uniform and showing up to formation reeking of booze, and that's nothing but pointless cruelty.
"Punishments, just like rewards, should fit the deed rather than outweigh it many times over. Deep down, everyone wants justice and predictable stability. They want to know the 'rules of the game,' no matter how strange or harsh those rules might seem to them—they want to know what they are. They want to be certain that punishment will come only when they've done something wrong, and that achievement will always be rewarded. When a commander proves through his actions that this is how things work, his subordinates will love and respect him regardless of his severity or personal shortcomings.
"And conversely, instability and constantly changing rules—one set today and another tomorrow—will earn a commander nothing but a reputation as a deranged maniac and dangerous animal who should be avoided at all costs and whose word should never be trusted.
"That's the whole secret. I simply try to judge myself and those around me honestly, without demanding the impossible from them or letting my emotions control me when doing so could interfere with the greater good."
"And what would the impractical answer be?" Azula sat down beside me, staring gloomily into the abyss beneath our feet.
"You said your mother thought you were a monster..." Even without touching her, I could sense her muscles tense. "A good half of the world thinks I'm a monster, and you yourself just gave quite the list of my, shall we say, glorious exploits, but.…."
"If you're waiting for me to ask what you mean, don't bother. Just say it properly already," came the grouchy response from beside me, though it seemed to me that the heir to the throne had relaxed ever so slightly.
"Hmm..." My hum sounded almost insolent. For one long second, I was certain there would be consequences, but no elbow ever jabbed me in the ribs. "If you think about it... even if I really am a monster, does that mean I don't have feelings?"
"I told you—say it properly." The princess wrapped her arms around her knees and rested her chin on them.
"I can be a monster, but that doesn't mean I can't value something, love someone, or respect someone... It doesn't mean I can't simply be human around the people I care about. Maybe that's the reason? Maybe my retinue, the Kyoshi warriors, Toph... simply don't see the terrifying, dreadful Fire Herald when they look at me. Maybe they just see Chan, an ordinary guy who looks great in a military uniform and has this amusing obsession with good tea?"
"That was lethally melodramatic..." the princess concluded.
"And?"
"And it depresses me that even you are starting to repeat Uncle's nonsense." The firebender shifted slightly, making herself more comfortable, and I could no longer see her face—she had quite thoroughly settled back against me.
"Sorry. I feel ridiculous myself spouting cliches like that..."
"You can sleep soundly. I'm feeling generous today, so I won't embarrass you by revealing this little secret."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"I really should go get some more tea..." I made an attempt at a tactical redeployment away from the strangely moody Azula, while also giving her some time to collect herself.
"To hell with the tea," the girl cut my maneuver off at the root, stretching out her right leg in a relaxed manner.
And so we sat there in peace and silence until the eastern sky began to brighten. The princess had long since dozed off. I decided not to wake her and simply unclipped our safety lines and carried her back to her cabin.
Unfortunately, it occurred to me a little too late that she shared that cabin with Ty Lee and Mai. What could I say? Stress, a difficult conversation, and I hadn't exactly been getting enough sleep even before that. Basically, it simply hadn't crossed my mind.
As a result, when I entered their quarters, I was greeted by Ty Lee's enormous round eyes. She squeezed them shut, shook her head from side to side, and even pinched herself (her pained little yelp woke Mai as well), but neither I nor the sleeping princess in my arms showed any sign of disappearing. Quite the opposite: I carried my precious cargo over to her bed and, with a farewell nod to what were now two young ladies with enormous, round eyes, swiftly evacuated the premises.
Oh, what was going to happen when everyone woke up...
Though if Azula woke up first and managed to properly bring her friends into line, maybe nothing would happen at all. Somehow, though, I had very little faith in that outcome. Lately, all my plans had gone completely differently from how I wanted them to, and this time I hadn't even had a plan...
Ah, well. We'd get through it somehow. For now, I might as well go check on the officer of the watch and see how we were doing on course.
(End of Chapter)
P@treon: /SadRaven
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