I finally caught up with all my work and now I guess I don't have to be around Rick. It was draining being around a person who makes your art race but breaks it everytime without even not noticing. My life seems to be collapsing, I'm emotialy drained and it's been awhile since I've seen my friends. Do they even want to see me, are they just avoiding me. School is getting better I guess and I started talking to my mother more often and my brother visits very often now and I'm supposed to be happy right well I'm not I just hide behind all the good things that happen. Everyone is locking me out of their lives and I feel like a burden to Ethan and Luke doesn't talk to me. I guess it's over before it even started.
My world is crashing down on me and nobody else can see that it's killing me deep inside. What can I do what will I do. I lay there in my room in my own world to escape this one. My brain bulling me because of this "what is wrong with you, you have everything you need and want in life" it tournaments me and tells me I'm selfish in every way possible. Ethan came in with horror in his eyes, he just stood there wondering what to do. He ran and hugged me tightly with tears running down his face. I was wondering why he was crying so hard then he told me that he will always be there for me and that I should never isolate myself knowing I have people who love me there.
I asked him why he was crying and he looked at me with confusion and sadness in his eyes he took a short pause to realize that I didn't know what was going on. My face felt wet, I assumed it was Ethan's tears but it was me who was in tears he told me I had been screaming at myself and when he came in he saw me crying which made him cry too. I tried to smile but for the first time in my life that was the hardest thing I had to do in that moment. I could pull myself together but I couldn't find it in me to smile. I didn't go to school on that Monday because Ethan's mom was afraid it would affect me more if I was at school with people who bully me, and I was definitely not ready to see Rick. My emotional roller-coaster was going at full speed and I couldn't stop it the last thing I needed was a boy right now. Ethan skipped sports just to get home and see me in tears eating ice-cream out of the carten watching a movie under a blanket. I could tell he was happy but brokenhearted too. He was glad I wasn't tormenting myself in my room but sadly that I was in this state. My best friend really does love me I thought but my brain said different " he is only doing this because you're his responsibility; he does care about you, you're lying to yourself; as if he could love someone like you." I ran to give him a huge hug while I was bawling my eyes out. He held me close, I've never felt more loved.
His warm embrace softened my heart his blond hair sitting on my raven hair which I haven't washed for days!!! His gorgeous blue eyes perching through my soul I know I wasn't falling for him but I've never felt like this around him before, I feel safe, I have no reason to cry when he is hear. I gently whispered under my breath "I love you" by my surprise her heard me and said into my ear "I love you too." My brain want bulling me anymore!!! Maybe it's because I believe that he ment what he said. After I finally got the courage to let go he told me all about his awful day and owner everyone asked why I wasn't there (I doubt it's because they like me).
Before bed we sat and talked for hours, it was just like when we were kids. I fell asleep and he put me to bed I herd his voice and smiled his words were muffled though. The next morning I woke up checked my phone and say that Luke and Tris had left me so many damn messages. Like really guys
L: hey umm can we talk?
Hey are you OK?
Are you coming to school anytime soon?
Where are you? Ethan doesn't want to talk to me about you
Hey I really need to talk to ya
Are you available this weekend
7missed calls
I'm worried about you...please talk to me
T: heyo what are you up to? I noticed that you weren't at school today are you OK?
I think Luke has a thing for ya XD
He won't stop asking about you
Are you OK
I'm worried now can you call me please
Are you ignoring me???!!!
What's up with Ethan he seems sad but angry ?
4 mussed calls
Hey please talk to me when you can
This left me in tears. They cared and what did Luke want to talk about. I decided to message them back
To L: hey I think I'll be fine should be at school next week please don't worry. What did you want to talk about?¿
To T: hey I think I'll be fine should be at school next week please don't worry. I doubt he has a thing for me, I mean he hasn't been acting normal around me.
I don't know Ethan has just been really drained and is easily provoked
Then after messaging them got back into the blankets and played music just so I could distract myself from thinking about anything that could harm me. By the time I was ready to get up it was 12 pm and is hadn't had food since lunch yesterday I made myself some food and got to reading old books my dad sent me. As I read those book I couldn't help but wish my dad could visit, I hadn't seen him in 4 years. He would call on my birthday and Christmas but that was it. I lived it when he sent me books or recommended a move and we would watch it even though he was miles away.
I went out for a little jog and bumped into my mother, she was happy. I hadn't seen her smile in 4 years. She asked if we could get coffee forgetting I don't drink cafeen. I ordered a decaf laté and we sat for an hour just talking about how life had changed, the one thing that bothered me was that she was happier when I wasn't around. She dropped me off and went on her way. Ethan had just come home after I got in, perfect timing is what I think he has