The day after the whole "giant bird kidnapping" incident, Keika swore he'd live quietly.
"No noise, no feathers, no divine nonsense," he mumbled over his cup of herbal tea. "Just me, the rabbits, and the tigers pretending to be civilized."
The rabbits blinked innocently from the table, munching lettuce.One of the tigers, wearing a too-small cardigan (that Keika made them wear to "look normal"), wagged its tail proudly.
"How do I look, My King?""Like a mafia boss pretending to be a librarian," Keika sighed. "Perfect."
For once, everything was peaceful.Until a distant trumpet shattered the air.
TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!
A massive dust cloud appeared on the horizon.Marching soldiers. Gleaming armor. Golden banners embroidered with the royal crest of Valren.
"Oh no," Keika whispered."My King," the red-eyed tiger said gravely, "it seems the humans are invading again.""They're not invading. They're visiting." Keika rubbed his temple. "Which is worse."
Scene: The Royal Entrance
The procession stopped right in front of Keika's shrine.
At the center of the glittering formation, riding a pure white horse, was King Leonhart Valren — the same golden-haired maniac who once tried to make Keika his "divine concubine" after Keika accidentally healed his entire army with a sneeze.
Leonhart dismounted gracefully, hair shining like a shampoo commercial, smile bright enough to cause property damage.
"Ah, my dearest Saint of Fluff!" he declared dramatically."Don't call me that," Keika said flatly.
Leonhart spread his arms. "I came the moment I heard you were abducted by the heavens! Truly, even the gods can't resist your radiance!"
"No, the bird just thought I was a snack.""Even the creatures of the sky hunger for your presence!"
Keika pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please stop making that sound romantic."
The soldiers knelt.The tigers growled.The rabbits formed a defensive circle around Keika's legs like a fluffy wall.
"Approach our Saint and you perish," hissed the red-eyed tiger.
Leonhart blinked, utterly unbothered. "Ah… you've even surrounded yourself with beasts who adore you. My heart burns with jealousy."
"That's not jealousy, that's stupidity," Keika muttered. "Also, they bite."
Scene: The Royal Misunderstanding
Then it happened.
A tiny rabbit — bless its chaotic soul — hopped forward with a flower crown, squeaked something adorable, and placed it on Keika's head.
The soldiers gasped.
Leonhart's eyes sparkled like an anime protagonist who just saw destiny.
"A wedding ceremony…" he whispered reverently.
"It's not a wedding, it's Tuesday," Keika said, deadpan.
"No, no, it's fate!" Leonhart knelt dramatically in the dirt. "You've been crowned by nature itself! The heavens, the earth, and the fluff all bless our union!"
"Excuse me?"
"I, Leonhart Valren, sovereign of the realm, hereby declare—""Don't you dare—""—that the Saint of Fluff is my destined spouse!"
Crowd gasps. Thunder cracks. One rabbit faints dramatically.
"...I hate my life," Keika muttered, expression blank as a loading screen.
Scene: Chaos Erupts
"OUR KING IS BEING HARASSED!" roared the tigers.
"DEFEND THE FLUFF!" squeaked the rabbits, charging with tiny teeth bared.
The soldiers panicked. The air filled with fur, shouting, and confused birds dive-bombing the royal banners.
Keika stood in the middle of the mayhem, sipping his tea.
"I leave them alone for ten seconds…"
Leonhart ducked as a carrot flew past his face.
"Such loyalty! Your subjects are as fierce as you are divine!"
"They're feral!" Keika shouted.
Then Leonhart grabbed his hand—sparkles, petals, and all.
"Marry me, Keika. Together we can unite man and beast!"
"We can also unite your face with a frying pan!"
Scene: The Royal Negotiation
Eventually, after a lot of shouting and several soldiers getting chased up trees by overzealous bunnies, everyone sat around the shrine's tea table.
Keika glared across the table at the smug king.
"I told you before: I'm not your divine bride.""Yet your aura says otherwise," Leonhart purred, eyes twinkling."My aura says 'stress and unpaid overtime.'"
Leonhart chuckled, completely ignoring reality. "Then, if not as my spouse, come to the palace as my Royal Consultant of Holy Fluff."
"That's not a job title, that's a mental illness."
The king leaned forward. "Please, Keika. The people need hope. And… I need you."
For a split second, the sincerity in his voice almost disarmed Keika.
Almost.
"Flattery won't work," Keika said. "Last time you said that, you tried to build a temple shaped like my face.""It was a gift!""It was haunted!"
Scene: A New Problem Appears
Just as Keika was about to throw Leonhart out, a massive shadow passed overhead again.
Everyone froze.
"...Please tell me that's not the thunderbird again."
The ground shook. The clouds split.
And there it was — the Storm Roc, screeching proudly.
In its claws?
A mountain-sized nest filled with shiny treasures, scrolls, and—
"Is that my laundry?!" Keika yelled.
The Roc landed and bowed low before him.
"O Great One, I have brought the dowry for your union."
Leonhart's jaw dropped. "E-Even the heavens approve?! Truly, we are fated!"
Keika's scream echoed across the valley.
"I SWEAR TO EVERY GOD LISTENING, I'M GOING TO MOVE TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!"
End Scene
As the sun set, chaos still reigned.Tigers and knights sat awkwardly side by side, sharing snacks.Rabbits were using Leonhart's cape as a blanket.And Keika?He sat on the steps of the shrine, staring into the distance with dead eyes.
"Some people have hobbies," he muttered. "I have migraines."
The Roc cooed above him. "Shall I fetch the priest for the ceremony?"
"Fetch a shovel," Keika said. "I'm digging my own grave."