Haku walked without even knowing where he was going. Simply, as long as there were no walls or obstacles in front of him, any direction was fine… and since there was technically only one way down the tower, he didn't have much trouble deciding. He felt drained, as if his mind had been ripped from his body leaving only an empty shell behind, devoid of will and intention; he couldn't think, he couldn't reason, he couldn't reflect, he couldn't even understand what he was doing. Every piece of his infallible logic, upon which he had based his entire life, seemed to have fallen apart completely, and no matter how much he tried to put the pieces back together, they kept spiraling out of his control. Just as his very existence had now become something beyond his control.
Finally he returned to the corridor the way they had come, and there he stopped almost mechanically. He looked at the frescoes that filled the walls, which now had a very specific meaning to him. Those frescoes depicted a distant and forgotten past, and showed what the world might have been if it weren't for the gods. A peaceful world where dragons could live free, adored by all as if they were superior entities, with knowledge superior to any other currently in vogue. A world where he and his siblings would not be forced to hide, to fight, to deceive, to kill; a world where they could have been… just young dragons, cared for by loving parents and older brothers and sisters, and perhaps even grandparents and great-grandparents. A world where they would not have to struggle to find their happiness. A world where they could have friends and acquaintances, where they could learn from elder dragons, where they could do nothing but relax and wait to become adults of their own. A world where they could have had a normal life.
But that world had disappeared long ago. The perfect civilization that the dragons who survived the catastrophe of the second sun had built, carrying on the dream of Balagaberan, had been swept away. Only the memory remained of it, and only in a few peoples who had not been led astray by the gods. Yeah, the gods... Haku didn't think he could hate anyone as much as he did right now. The only times he'd felt this angry had been when one of his siblings had been endangered, and he'd intended to avenge it any way he could. He fully understood the fury with which Akenothustar had spoken of them. Millennia of suffering, millennia in which the dragons could do nothing but kill and hide, destroying all ties of family and love, for… what? Why did a group of gods want to be worshiped at all costs? Why did they refuse to be in a lower position than the dragons? Why did they want a little more faith? And for this they had been happy to destroy so many lives? For this they had ruined his life? Was it their fault that he hadn't had a mother and father worthy of the name, hadn't had a home that could be called a home, hadn't had security and protection, hadn't had peace from the moment he was born? He hated them. He hated them deep down in his heart. But come to think of it, his hatred made little sense…because if the gods hadn't done what they had done, he and his siblings probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy the beauty of the perfect dragon civilization anyway. In all likelihood, they would never have been born.
Haku gritted his teeth involuntarily, his head spinning slightly as he thought about it. He, his brothers, his sisters… they were born at the behest of Akenothustar. They were born because the gods had come and destroyed the civilization of dragons, and Akenothustar to avoid that fate had made sure that someone was born who could reunite the dragons and rebuild that civilization, finally destroying the gods. Haku was tempted to lie down and never get up again after that revelation. He didn't know how to feel: he should have been grateful to have been born… but now he just felt used. No, not used: built for a purpose. He had been born with a precise intention by the will of a being greater than him, and his whole life had served to bring him here, to that exact point in the world.
If there was one thing Haku hated, it was not being in control of the situation. It was normal: everyone wanted to be in control of the situation, even the most submissive creatures. The ants refused to walk on unfamiliar paths. Wolves always went the same way and only hunted prey they knew they could defeat. The tigers followed their victim for hours on end and only revealed themselves when they were sure they could win. All of them acted only when they were in control of the situation. Haku had always known that his control was just an illusion: it wasn't him who decided how to live his life, but the cruel laws of the world he was born into. They were the ones that required him to stay hidden and do everything to survive. But Haku had always believed that even if he had to submit to such laws, he could still control his life. He had a choice of how to survive, how to hide, or what to do to protect his family. But now, even that last illusion had been shattered. Everything he had done since he was born, he had done because someone else had set it up. He and his sibpings had been born because they served Akenothustar for a purpose, and they had been born in this precise part of the world because he had made it so, and they had moved in a certain direction because he wanted it to, and they had arrived there because he wanted it. He had foreseen his every move so well that the arachnes recognized them immediately and even knew how and where to find them. That realization terrified Haku: the thought of being just a tool in someone else's hands was... awful. He felt like his whole life was a lie. He couldn't even call himself a dragon anymore, he was just a... thing. A means to an end, nothing more. A weapon created to defeat the gods and which had no other use than this.
He didn't know how to feel. Angry, scared, fed up, furious… he couldn't feel any of these emotions. He was just tired. If it really was just a tool, why oppose it? Why keep trying to fight fate? It was like being immersed in a raging river: no matter how much he fought, the current would still carry him away. Fighting would only hurt himself more; if it was inevitable that the current would carry him away, why oppose it?
But even if he agreed to follow the path Akenothustar had prepared for him, even if he chose to be his weapon, what was he supposed to do? He had no idea how to defeat the gods. Sure, Akenothustar had left traces... but would they be enough? Millennia ago Akenothustar had tried to defeat the gods and failed; what could he guarantee to Haku that this time too it wouldn't end like this? And even if they won, what would become of his siblings? If indeed they were only tools, had Akenothustar been concerned for their safety? Or did he see them as nothing more than weapons to be sent against the gods, and therefore each of them was expendable? As far as Haku knew, the ancient dragon's plans could also contemplate the death of one of his brothers or sisters... or many of them. After all, a general couldn't think of all his soldiers, only of how to achieve the final victory with the lowest possible cost... and this cost could hardly be zero. Akenothustar perhaps had an eye for them because they were dragons and they were their kind's best hope of winning, but after all he didn't know them and could have no feelings of affection towards them; so why refrain from sacrificing any of them, if it would further their cause? Haku shivered at that thought. He didn't want his siblings to get hurt. He didn't want them to die. He didn't want to be the one to lead them to such a fate. He didn't want... to be the king of all dragons.
When he was born, Haku would have loved to hear that this would be his fate. He had always wanted to be important, to be a hero; and for a few months he really believed it. But then he realized that he wasn't cut out to be a leader. Sure, he was a great strategist and always came up with the best ideas... but the one time he'd tried to command his siblings, he'd scared them enough to convince them it was best to run away from him, and he'd even injured his own brother with his own hands. He had screwed up. After that moment, he had given up on being a leader: any decisions he made after that moment, he had made only with the consent of others. Nom had given orders anymore, only requests. And his siblings had satisfied him not because he was their boss, but only because they really wanted him or shared his ideas. Often they had even done things against his will and that he did not tolerate, and he had accepted them, because he understood that his family was made up of free people and not subjects. He wasn't a leader, he was just a member of that family. And he had found that he liked it; even though sometimes things didn't go his way, he felt much calmer and more relaxed. Sure, he still considered all his siblings his responsibility, but equally they considered him their responsibility; it was an equal relationship, without masters and servants. It was simply a family, and Haku liked that.
But now, his view of the world had been turned upside down again. Now the one who had caused him to be born had told him that his job would be to become the king of all dragons. After years of telling himself that he was no better than the others, that he should respect their decisions, that he shouldn't repeat past mistakes and impose on his siblings, Haku now discovered that his destiny was already written and that being a leader was what he was supposed to be. And that scared him. He didn't want to be a leader, he didn't want to risk going back to what he once was. He didn't want to risk hurting a member of his family again. Being the king of all dragons meant ruling everyone with an iron fist, accepting no insubordination, and he could make no exceptions even for his own siblings; if one of them went his own way, he would have to be punished, or his authority would be challenged. That meant being a king, and that's why Haku didn't want to be. He just wanted to be a dragon living peacefully with his family, not the ruler of an entire new civilization destined to wage war against the gods. But if he was just a tool, and if until now they hadn't been able to oppose his fate, then how could he oppose even that? He didn't want it… but was that enough? How much was the will of a key not to enter the lock worth, if the hand of its owner would have inserted it anyway? He had the choice, or really his whole future was literally written in stone, impossible to erase and therefore impossible to avoid, and all he could do was really go with the flow of the river and let it carry him downstream, enduring all the times that the water would throw him against the floating stones or logs? And then? Was that really going to be his life?
"Brother?"
Haku just turned his gaze and saw that Rhaegal had appeared behind him, and was staring at him with a strange light in his eyes. He'd been so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't heard him coming. "We need to talk"