Arabella gazed at her once again, young-looking husband.
He still looked so strong and fearsome now.
If she wasn't the one who caused his health to deteriorate, it would be hard to believe he was the same person as the one who breathed his last in her arms a few minutes ago.
With his sharp eyes, it was almost unbelievable that he did not have a clue she was the one who plotted his downfall.
[She's staring at me. Is she daring me to come closer?]
Arabella tensed when Ferdinand walked towards her.
[Ah, she looks beautiful and alluring in her nightgown. She looked so gorgeous in her wedding dress earlier, too.]
'Huh?! Are these really his thoughts? Impossible!'
Arabella wondered if she had gone crazy or was just being delusional.
What she was hearing may just be a creation of her own mind out of a twisted desire to at least hear this man praise her, even just once.
For all she knew, her husband didn't know what was beautiful from what was not.
Or rather, he didn't care.
She already mistook him in her previous life to have liked her, despite Ferdinand not really saying a word about it.
She would not repeat the same mistake.
Now that she thought about it, tonight, their first time together as husband and wife, was what paved the way for her misunderstandings.
Because he took her gently, she just went and assumed he cared about her, when in fact, it was a ruse until he got what he wanted.
All he wanted was an heir because his ministers pestered him.
But twelve years after she gave birth, Ferdinand changed his mind and poisoned their son because he didn't want his position to be challenged.
Arabella had read of such things happening in stories and had heard it had happened in other kingdoms, but she never thought it would happen to her son, too.
She thought Ferdinand would not stoop so low, and yet, he did.
'I can't let such things happen again!'
Thus, she must prevent the consummation of their marriage tonight.
Arabella took a step back as Ferdinand walked towards her.
[Why is she taking a step back?]
Ferdinand came even closer and held her tight.
The more steps she took backwards, the more the larger his stride towards her.
Until he caught her.
Arabella tensed up as Ferdinand hugged her so tight that it hurt.
She could not move at all to create some space between them.
Arabella wanted to escape his arms as quickly as possible.
Yet, somehow, her heart raced.
In the desolate, lonely times when she grieved alone, how long had she craved for even a single warm embrace from him?
But she never received one.
Not until now, when she no longer wanted it.
'How could fate be so cruel?'
[I've longed to hold her like this for the longest time. It had just been a few hours since I last saw her, and yet, why does it feel like eons had passed? I miss her so much… I feel like I might die if I don't hold her even tighter… What should I do with all this longing?]
"..."
Arabella blinked twice at Ferdinand's thoughts that she heard directly in her mind.
It was a relief that he didn't seem to have memories of their previous life like she did.
But his thoughts.
As much as it was shocking for her to hear him think about her in this way, she could not help but wonder if at this time, when he still had a bit of interest in her, he felt the years that had went by in their previous life, which was why he thought it felt like it had been eons since he last saw her.
After all, this timeline was supposed to be twenty-two years ago.
Yet, now it was their present.
Arabella still found it hard to digest, and all of this was shocking and puzzling.
[This is all Raymond's fault for prohibiting me from seeing her before the wedding. Why do we have to follow all these human customs anyway? The ceremony and the celebration took so long, too! Because the last time I had seen her, before she arrived here, was during the official engagement, it took so much to hold myself back from running to her side and holding her close when I saw her for the first time in the ceremony earlier. She was breathtaking in her wedding dress and looked even more gorgeous than usual… It was even harder to hold back until tonight…]
'He was holding back?!'
Arabella blinked twice at the thoughts she heard from Ferdinand.
'Wasn't he bored and irritated during the ceremony?
Then, a realization hit her.
'Could he have been irritated and bored because he was holding back?'
Since Ferdinand was still interested in her at this time, it was possible that he was impatient because he wanted to get closer to her, much more intimately, than the ceremonial holding hands and peck on the lips.
Before Arabella could further think, Ferdinand scooped her up so easily.
[I can't take it anymore. It's alright now that we are finally alone, right?]
Ferdinand placed her at the center of the bed and hovered over her, ready to attack.
Arabella was wide-eyed as he bent down to kiss her without even saying a word.
She could not help but wonder what kind of husband would just go straight for the consummation without a single word.
'No! I can't let him have his way. Not this time!'
In her previous life, counting the days since she got pregnant, her son was conceived on their first night together.
If she let Ferdinand have his way with her body tonight, she would get pregnant as she did in her past life.
Arabella missed Fermin so much and would love to see him again, embrace his warm body, not a cold, hard corpse; kiss his cheek, and wait for him to kiss the back of her hand in response; and tell him how much she loved him and see the bright smile on his face as he responds he loved her the most.
She was the one who longed the most for Fermin's birth.
But she would rather not make him suffer his tragic end again.
Arabella hated the thought of Fermin getting killed by his own father in this life as well.
It was simply too terrible. Too tragic. Too infuriating.
Arabella would not allow such madness to befall her beloved son again.
'My dear son, I'm so sorry. I wanted to see you as soon as I could. But I shall meet you after this life. Please wait for me just a bit more.'
If Fermin were to be born only to suffer again, she would rather not give birth to him in this cruel world.
From Ferdinand's thoughts, it was clear he was indeed physically attracted to her at this point in time.
Maybe, just maybe, or perhaps it was her wishful thinking… maybe, he even truly liked her a bit.
But his feelings would change too soon anyway.
Arabella was old enough to know that feelings change through time.
She could not gamble with Fermin's life and happiness on flimsy feelings.
She could not let Fermin suffer in this world again just to satisfy her curiosity and confirm that Ferdinand had at least once had feelings for her too, or that he would cherish a child born through their union, because at least once, he cared.
She knew from their past life that Ferdinand never cherished Fermin, no matter how much their son looked up to him.
All Arabella could do for Fermin's hopes not to be crushed was to keep lying that Ferdinand was too busy because of his duties, which was why he could not visit them.
With what she knew and experienced in her past life, Arabella could not possibly gamble Fermin's life just to test her theories of a possibly different future or what-ifs.
And so, Arabella turned away and pushed Ferdinand's chest lightly when he leaned in to kiss her on the lips.
She did not dare push him violently, because she knew angering him would only lead to her suffering.
Or did she waver because of the burning longing in his eyes that she once yearned for?
Arabella did not know either.
But what was most important right now was to prevent the consummation of their marriage.
"I'm sorry. I'm not ready for this yet."
Arabella acted all shy, pitiful, and scared, hoping Ferdinand would play nice since he still needed to get an heir out of her.
She thought she succeeded when her husband paused and just eyed her.
But then. . .
[She doesn't want to?]
Ferdinand froze, wide-eyed.
[Ah, right… Of course… Raymond did warn me that she might not accept me immediately.]
Ferdinand did not continue what he was about to do but still gazed at her intently.
Arabella did not dare let her acting slip as his sharp eyes watched her every move.
[But why is she still so adorable even though she rejects me? It's making me want to kiss her even more…]
'What?! Is he the type that gets even more interested the more he's rejected?!'
Arabella was quite shocked; she did not know Ferdinand had this kind of tendency.
After all, in her past life, when they were newlyweds, she never rejected him when he wanted to do it.
It was fear at first, but soon, she longed for him too.
But even now, she regretted falling into that pit.
If only she knew the suffering it would bring her, she would have shielded her heart no matter what.
Thus, now that she was back to a time when she could change her decisions, she would guard her heart securely this time.
[After all, how can I not catch my prey when it's finally here? How can I not want to take her when she's finally right in front of my eyes after all this time? I've been waiting for her for too long. So now that we're alone, I want to hold her as tight as I possibly can and feel that she's truly in my arms, and finally mine…My adorable and breathtaking wife… My Arabella…]
Ferdinand had just thought of these things without a single change in his expression except for the intensity of his eyes.
'What the hell is this?! Did he have thoughts like these back then, too?'
Arabella concluded she must truly be going crazy.
It must be her punishment to be able to hear such impossible thoughts.
Since when did her cold husband know the words adorable or breathtaking to refer to her?
Never.
Such words never left his lips in her twenty-two years as his wife.
Hunting was a full yes, but thinking about something as adorable was not possible for someone like Ferdinand.
Still, she could not help but wonder if back then, he had thought of her this way and said her name so fondly in his mind.
"!!!"
Arabella tensed up when all of a sudden, Ferdinand caught both of her wrists and held them tight above her head.
She got lost in thought for a bit and did not hear if he thought about something, and all of a sudden, he was acting like this.
Ferdinand kissed her neck, and Arabella had goosebumps.
It was a sensation she had not felt in so long that it almost felt foreign, yet also somewhat familiar.
Ferdinand's lips were a soft and sinful temptation against her skin.
It was warm and tender compared to his cold demeanor and hard body.
He left another speck on her skin, and it felt like it reverberated through her whole body, as if undoing a spell that had kept her unfeeling for more than two decades.
'Had his kisses always felt this way?'
Arabella had long forgotten even when she once longed for this from him.
But it wasn't the time to reminisce.
After all, she realized she was not disgusted by his kiss.
Arabella had used even her body to gain temporary allies, and she was disgusted by their touch and kiss, and yet, now, experiencing a kiss from Ferdinand again after so long, she was horrified that she was not disgusted by it.
And such realization scared Arabella so much that she concluded she must end this as soon as possible.
She must stop him before she wavers or becomes curious about this, once again, new sensation.
"No. Stop it!"
Arabella tried to push him and wriggle free, but Ferdinand was too strong that her effort resulted in nothing.
This was precisely why she had someone poison his daily meals to weaken him.
If King Icarus and the Secret Alliance had attacked while Ferdinand was still in his best condition, they would not have won the war against Valeria.
If he had not been in a weakened state, Ferdinand might still have won, no matter how many knights surrounded him.
Ferdinand was not called the "Dark Emperor" for nothing. He was truly too strong.
It was something that not even his enemies or Arabella, who hated him for so long, could deny.
"Then, don't move around."
Ferdinand chided her as if she was the one doing something she shouldn't, and not him, after she had already said she was not ready for this yet.
'What does he mean? How can I not try to break free when he's preventing my movement?'
Arabella couldn't help but frown and glare at him.
She understood what he meant when she heard his thoughts once again.
[Did she think I'm going to force her? Did she not hear what I told her?]
Ferdinand paused and eyed her with confusion.
'Huh? Did he say something while I was lost in my thoughts?'
Arabella was equally puzzled.
She was lost in thought for a few moments, and it seems Ferdinand said something, but she did not hear it.
[Are there also rumors about me forcing myself on women?
I just need to leave marks on her skin so the maids would think we consummated.
After all, everyone said our marriage is only truly final after we have consummated.]
Arabella was relieved when she learned from his thoughts that Ferdinand was not planning to do it tonight after she rejected his kiss.
'But did he really need to pin my hands above my head?'
It was why Arabella misunderstood.
Since she had not heard his words before, it made her think Ferdinand would push through with the act no matter what.
[What's with that look on her face? It's the first time she frowned and glared at me.
Did I anger her?!
This is her angry expression?
She still looks pretty, even with such a look on her face.
And if she keeps moving around like this, I might not be able to stop myself.
I'm getting turned on. She smells so good, too.]
Arabella instantly froze at such thoughts from Ferdinand and did not dare make any movement.
"As I have said earlier, if you're not ready yet, then I'll just leave some proof for them to think we consummated. And you must not let anyone else know we didn't do it tonight, or else, your reputation will also be marred."
Ferdinand repeated his words that she did not hear to clarify his actions.
Arabella wanted to say no, but if other people knew they did not consummate, what Ferdinand said was true.
She was the one who was going to be a laughingstock.
Arabella would be the gossip of the social circle for being unwanted by her husband, no matter how pretty she looked.
While she's still figuring things out, Arabella concluded it was better not to do anything that would put unnecessary attention on her.
Thus, she nodded and said, "Okay."
Ferdinand gazed at her and gulped.
Arabella got nervous and almost thought he would try to kiss her lips again because of the look in his eyes. But this time, he only kissed her neck.
She bit her lip when Ferdinand trailed kisses on her neck and even sucked at her skin to leave marks for everyone else to see and serve as proof they did something.
His lips and tongue felt hot against her skin and made her shiver involuntarily.
From her memories, Ferdinand had done this to her so many times in the first month of their wedding.
But it had been too long since then that she had forgotten this was what it felt like.
[It's getting even harder to hold back. Her skin is so soft and smooth. And her scent is so enticing. I want more, but I must hold back.]
Ferdinand bit at her shoulder.
"Ouch!" Arabella could not help herself from screaming.
'What the hell! Is he trying to eat me or something?!'
Arabella touched the place he bit to check if there was blood.
None stuck to her fingers, so it at least did not bleed.
"I-I'm sorry! I underestimated my strength. Does it hurt too much? Should I call a healer?" Ferdinand inquired, seemingly panicked as he gently touched where he bit.
Arabella glanced at it and was relieved it wasn't actually deep.
For a second, she thought he sank his teeth into her skin too deeply that it might bleed.
But it didn't. It was just enough to leave a mark.
'Do I have a lower pain tolerance this time? Or am I simply new to sensations again?'
Arabella could not help but wonder since even slitting her throat did not hurt.
"No need. I'm fine. I think these should be enough."
Arabella didn't want any more kissing and biting, especially when she heard from his thoughts; he was close to losing control.
"Alright, then," Ferdinand easily agreed. "Good night."
"Good night."
Arabella sighed in relief as Ferdinand simply lay down beside her and closed his eyes.
She thought she was doomed for sure, but thankfully, this Ferdinand was still somewhat considerate.
'He even apologized.'
Arabella had conflicted feelings about Ferdinand saying such words because he never apologized for anything in their previous life, except when he was already dying.
'Is this Ferdinand different from back then? Or this behavior will only last for a month, as he did back then?'
Arabella would never forget all the years she lived expecting something from this man, even just a tiny show of love, but she got none.
So how was she supposed to live from now on as his wife once again?
Since she had just been returned to this timeline of her life, Arabella still had to collect her thoughts and think about what she would do in this life.
She hoped Ferdinand would leave her room, so she could focus on deciding what she should do and plan for the future.
But it did not look like Ferdinand would leave any time soon.
Arabella glanced at him, and he was pretending to sleep. But she could hear his thoughts loud and clear.
[I should stay here for a while.
If I went out as soon as I entered, they would know nothing really happened.
The knights on guard duty nearby would see me.]
Arabella bit her lip in annoyance because Ferdinand's thoughts were right.
If they were to pretend something happened, he should stay in her chambers for a bit.
'But it means I have to listen to his thoughts the whole time…' Arabella internally complained.
She was not looking at Ferdinand anymore, but she could still hear his thoughts.
She figured she must still be able to hear someone's thoughts without looking at the person, if the person was close enough.
[Haah.
How long should I stay here pretending to sleep?
Arabella's scent is too enticing.
She smells so alluringly sweet.
If I keep inhaling her sweet scent, I might just turn around and strip her naked.
Her soft skin felt so good against my lips.
It tasted sweet, too, and smelled of flowers.
This is really getting weird.
Since when did I like flowers?
I do not particularly like flowers or their scent at all.
Yet, since I met her, I can't seem to stop myself from craving more of her flowery scent.
She had been making me have these urges and desires I never had before.
I want to hold her tight against my body, feel her heartbeat, and do all sorts of things I had never even considered I'd want to do all my life.]
Arabella was wide-eyed upon hearing Ferdinand's thoughts.
He was getting tempted and even dared to blame it on her.
'It's not my fault! You are just lustful, that's all!'
Arabella internally screamed and quickly left the bed.
She retrieved another blanket for herself and stayed on the couch fully wrapped.
[Why did she leave the bed?!
Is she thinking I would touch her once she's asleep?
I'm not that crazy.
I won't do such a thing!]
Arabella heaved a sigh of relief when she heard this.
It was good to know that at least Ferdinand won't try to do anything in case she fell asleep.
However, after hearing his thoughts again, she realized she couldn't let her guard down yet.
[But how long does she plan on making me wait?
I have already waited for so long.
I want to make her completely mine soon.
She's my mate, and she's my wife now.
She's mine.
Doesn't she understand?]
Ferdinand turned in her direction and stared at her.
Arabella did not dare make a single movement and even held her breath.
'This crazy bastard. He had thoughts like this?'
Hearing Ferdinand think like this made her want to scream, because in what she had experienced, he ignored her for so long, even when she was the one pining for him.
She knew his interest in her was short-lived.
Arabella recalled he did lust for her body in her previous life, but that was all it ever was.
He only wanted her body.
She just went and concluded he liked her much more than that because she was young and naïve.
'I won't fall for his warm touch again,' Arabella internally vowed.
She knew that he only wanted her body for some time. And even if he truly did like her a bit, it was only for a short while.
She would not allow herself to fall for him again, no matter how his eyes gleamed as he gazed at her.
[That damned prince.
It must be due to him.
How dare he occupy her mind even now when she's already mine?
Maybe, I should have killed him.]
Ferdinand thought she was still attached to her former lover, Prince Andrew.
'It's been 22 years since my heart last ached for Andrew.
I almost forgot what he looked like.
And he was the one I endangered my life for, trying to elope with and run away from Ferdinand?'
It was quite a wonder how someone she once loved so much no longer meant anything to her now.
She used to love Andrew so much that she was willing to die if she did not end up with him. But now, all those feelings were gone.
It made one thing clear.
Feelings do change.
Arabella had not even thought about Andrew for quite a while, yet he was Ferdinand's object of jealousy right now.
Ferdinand was concluding that she was still yearning for Andrew, so she was refusing him.
But what Arabella was busy thinking about right now was what she should do with this life.
She wanted to get out of the room and away from Ferdinand, but it would be too suspicious if she knew the palace layout when they had just gotten married.
If she were too hostile, she would be the one who would be in danger.
Arabella gulped.
Ferdinand was still at his peak now.
It would be so easy for him to kill her if he wanted to.
'For now, I need to be careful not to anger him.'
Arabella reminded herself to act all weak and harmless, so Ferdinand would not notice anything amiss or think she was suspicious.
[I heard she eloped with that feminine prince, but they were easily discovered.
Did she sleep with him?
She must be happy to give everything to him anytime since she liked him so much.
She even dared to run away from me.
Does she not know I could have just wiped out both their kingdoms off the map?]
'He knew about my attempt at eloping with Prince Andrew?!'
Arabella thought Ferdinand did not hear about it since he never mentioned her attempted elopement with Andrew, and did not do anything about him either.
[Why is she still longing for him when he betrayed her anyway?
I heard he wed another woman immediately after they broke up, claiming that woman was the one for him.
Is that why my wife was crying?
She's still hurting because of that bastard's betrayal?
Maybe I should attack Lahar, after all.
It's been a while since I fought, I need a bit of exercise.]
Arabella was wide-eyed at Ferdinand's thoughts.
Her mother was right.
Ferdinand would have burnt down all of Lahar if she had broken the engagement with him.
No. As per his words, he would have wiped both of their kingdoms off the map.
He would have done everything he could to ensure the marriage with her pushed through.
.
.
.
Arabella's head hurt as Ferdinand's thoughts kept popping up in her mind for hours.
To distract himself from perverted thoughts, he thought in detail about what he planned to do tomorrow, from sparring with the knights and preparing them for war to doing some paperwork.
And just like in her previous life, he planned to visit her chambers again.