Guilt and Regret
"Arabella!"
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"Arabella!"
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She thought she heard someone approach and scream her name repeatedly. She wanted to look at who it was, but her vision blurred.
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"Arabella!"
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'Who is calling me?'
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Her hearing became fuzzy and unclear… Until she could no longer hear anything.
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Everything became pitch black and silent.
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Ah, she had died indeed...
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However…
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'What the hell is going on?! Why am I still alive?'
Arabella blinked repeatedly when she awakened in her room.
She sat up and looked around.
This was her chamber in the Imperial Palace of Valeria.
The familiar room was no doubt hers, but the decoration was not what she remembered it was before she died.
'Who brought me back to my room? And why are the decorations different? Did they redecorate? How many days was I unconscious?'
The last thing she remembered, she was at the Magic Tower, and she was sure she slit her throat.
Before she lost consciousness, she recalled hearing someone call out her name before everything blacked out.
'Did I survive?
Did someone come to my rescue and heal me?'
Arabella touched her neck and rubbed gently where her knife should have cut.
There was no sign of the wound now.
"I thought I cut it deep enough."
'Was I too weak?
Could I not even cut myself as deeply as I thought?
Or is this the afterlife?'
Arabella walked to her mirror and gasped as she stared at a younger version of her face.
She was supposed to be forty, but her face was back to twenty-two years ago when she was still eighteen.
Arabella frowned when she glanced down and recognized the dress she was wearing.
It had been so long since then. Still, she could recall this clothing.
This was the nightgown the maids made her wear for her first night with Ferdinand.
'That scumbag and piece of trash of a husband.'
She felt furious once again just from remembering him.
The fact that he died trying to protect her confused her and made her head hurt so much.
But how exactly did the once mighty Emperor get killed so easily?
It was likely her fault.
To be more exact, she had his meals poisoned every single day with the same poison he used on their son.
It was a slow-acting poison. But with Ferdinand's strength and resistance, it took much longer than planned to take effect until he finally showed small signs of weakness.
Arabella plotted to eliminate Ferdinand the same way he killed Fermin.
She wanted him to experience what her son did, so she used the same poison that he used to kill their only child.
It was a message to Ferdinand that she knew it was he who had instructed their son to be poisoned.
She wanted Ferdinand to at least admit what he had done and apologize to her, and on Fermin's grave, once he realized the poison was the same.
However, either Ferdinand never noticed or he refused to admit what he had done and did not feel the least bit guilty or regretful of his actions.
It infuriated Arabella even more.
Thus, when the effects of the poison finally got worse over time, Arabella informed King Icarus, her husband's strongest enemy, that the time had come for Ferdinand and Valeria to fall.
There was an organization called the Secret Alliance, which had long wanted to make Valeria fall.
Arabella had joined it and provided them with bits of information to hasten their plans.
The Secret Alliance plans then progressed more quickly until they triggered a civil war in Valeria.
Thus, Ferdinand got swamped with more work as his body continued to grow weaker from the poison.
When the people's dissatisfaction grew worse, the Secret Alliance, King Icarus, and all of Ferdinand's enemies united to attack Valeria.
And of course, Arabella, through Dimo, had already secretly brought in some of Icarus' and the Secret Alliance's people to open the gates.
Valeria was caught unprepared due to the internal crisis. As such, Icarus and the Secret Alliance won as they had planned.
As per their secret agreement, Arabella was supposed to become King Icarus's wife as he ascends to be the next Emperor of an even wider empire, but she had other plans.
She was set on following her son to the afterlife once the plan succeeded.
So she did.
'But what the hell is this?!'
Arabella wondered if she had gone completely insane to be having illusions now.
Looking around the room, and judging by her appearance, no matter how impossible it seemed, she was back to when she was only eighteen.
Today was her wedding with Ferdinand, and he would soon visit her room, so they could consummate their marriage.
'Why do I have to live as his wife again?'
Arabella paced around her room in horror, wondering about what she should do.
Judging by her appearance, the maids had finished preparing her for her first night with Ferdinand.
'Why did I have to be returned when everything was finally over?'
Arabella clenched her fists and bit her lips in confusion.
She had finally exacted her revenge on Ferdinand.
Her goal was complete.
There was no reason to be alive anymore.
She gulped as a thought crossed her mind.
'Is this my punishment for everything I have done?'
Arabella knew she had committed a lot of sins.
'But do I really have to live my horrible life with him again?'
She gritted her teeth.
She couldn't possibly live such a life again.
She was exhausted.
Burned-out.
And borderline insane.
She just wanted to sleep and rest eternally and stop all this nonsense. Her goal was supposed to be complete, and there was nothing more she needed to do in this world.
'Should I cut myself again?'
But what if she was returned to this time again? Or worse yet, to a time when she had already consummated the marriage with Ferdinand.
'No! That's even worse!'
Arabella didn't want such a thing to happen.
Somehow, she knew instinctively that ending her life again would not result in the outcome she wanted and would likely lead to worse instead.
Something inside her was telling her she must not do such a thing again in this life.
Thus, ending her life with her own hands again was no longer a choice.
'Should I escape?'
Arabella considered what she should do before this marriage ended up consummated.
There was always at least one or two knights guarding her door all the time, so she could not exit through it.
She walked to the windows to search for an escape route.
"It's still so beautiful!"
Arabella gasped at the sight of the capital from her windows.
Had the view of Riva from her room always been this beautiful and colorful?
Wasn't everything here a monochrome for the last 10 years?
Why could she see these colors again?
It was just a few minutes ago when she was watching the capital in flames. But now, it was still in its full splendor.
Beautifully designed, sophisticated buildings. An artistic city layout. A huge, beautiful fountain in the middle of the plaza with a huge space around it for gatherings. Well-made roads and pavements. Numerous shops, diners, and inns.
It was a lively and colorful place teeming with life and bustle. Truly, the capital of a huge empire.
The city was filled with cheers and laughter as they celebrated the wedding of their Emperor.
It was so different from the view Arabella was watching earlier.
A sea of flames. Dark black smoke. A putrid smell. Bloodied streets. Corpses everywhere. Horrified and desperate screams and shrieks. Crying children. Horses neighing. Knights screaming.
Ferdinand, who died in her arms.
Something dripped on her hands.
'Eh? What's this?'
Arabella looked up to see if water was dripping from the roof.
There was none. Of course, there would never be.
This was the Imperial Palace and the room of the Empress. Even if she was never welcome, Valeria had the pride to maintain things like this.
Her vision blurred.
She blinked twice when she realized it was from her.
'I'm crying? Why? What for?'
She glanced at the view from the windows once again.
She felt a lump in her throat, and her chest ached as she watched the scenery below.
There were people merrily dancing and children excitedly playing around and chasing each other.
Her vision further blurred.
There were women with babies happily conversing with everyone to join the celebration.
It got worse.
Arabella's tears flooded her eyes until she couldn't see. And all of a sudden, she was trembling as she cried and fell to her knees.
'These were all the people who died because of my schemes?'
Those children and babies would be knights by then. They may even have their own children.
'No, I shouldn't be thinking about this. But why? Why am I feeling like this?'
Arabella had long stopped caring about the world or anything.
She had long promised herself shouldn't care about anyone else anymore. She thought she succeeded in doing so.
And yet, her chest hurt so much and felt so tight and heavy like it was going to burst as her tears fell uncontrollably at the sight of Riva still teeming with life and color.
She felt burdened, regretful, and sorrowful.
She thought she had long stopped feeling all these emotions. Yet now, she was feeling all of them again.
'Why? Is it because I returned to a time when I was more sympathetic and emotional?'
Arabella was riddled with guilt and regret as she watched all the merry people down below.
They were among the people who may have died in the battle with King Icarus and the Secret Alliance.
They were people who died because of her plot.
Because of her revenge.
'I just avenged my son! What's wrong with it? He was innocent! He didn't have to die so young!'
Arabella reasoned with herself.
But does Fermin's death and her suffering justify involving all of these people?
Did all those kids or their children, or siblings, have to die, too, because Fermin did?
They were also innocent.
They were young, too.
They didn't.
Arabella bit her lip as she tried to stop sobbing, but it only got worse.
She had thousands of lives in her hands now. She had ruined so many lives as she made the empire fall.
Back then, she no longer minded committing such an atrocious crime. She didn't mind everyone in the empire dying, including herself.
So, why does she care now?
Why does it bother her?
Is it because she was not yet wronged now? Because the crime was not yet committed in this life?
Or had she been lying to herself all this time?
She didn't want to know.
She refused to admit it, whatever it was.
She hated Ferdinand and Valeria. She no longer had any love or sympathy for this place. That was all it was or would ever be. She would no longer care.
'Yes, that's how it should be,' Arabella told herself.
After all, caring or loving anyone or anything again would only be her weakness. She would only lose them or be disappointed again.
Thus, there's no use in having such useless emotions again. She should be as cold, unfeeling, and unemotional as she once was if she didn't want to be used, hurt, and discarded again.
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As she continued watching the scenery below, Arabella gasped when she suddenly heard voices.
But it wasn't through her ears.
It was directly in her head.
[The Empress is so beautiful! She looks kind, gentle, and merciful. I feel so blessed to have seen her face. She would likely be a good influence on our cold and serious Emperor.]
[The Dragon God had once again bestowed a gift on Valeria's Emperor. This day shall be written in our history.]
[The Empress is truly the fairest lady! She looks like a goddess. May her presence bring warmth and plentiful harvest to the Empire.]
[His Majesty must be ecstatic to be wed to Her Majesty. He may finally truly settle down and stay in Riva for a long time instead of joining every war.]
[His Majesty must be more motivated to govern now after marrying such a lovely Empress to rule beside him.]
[I hope we get blessed with princes and princesses soon.]
[I wish to marry someone as gorgeous as the Empress! Ah, what time is it? I have to go home. I'm drunk now.]
[This marriage will surely bring changes to the Empire.]
[My baby is celebrating the wedding too! Look at him behaving so well today.]
[Ah, the food in the pantry has already run out. I have to serve more.]
[So many people gathered here today just to get a glimpse of His and Her Majesty in their wedding attire. And it was so worth it to come here and witness it!]
[May this union be a blessing to Valeria…]
Arabella held her head as random thoughts from various people suddenly popped up in her mind.
She covered her ears as it became a deafening mixture of voices.
It still did not stop.
She held her head in her hands when she felt like it might explode if she kept listening to everything.
She closed her eyes.
The noise finally vanished.
'What was that?!'
She rose, and the deafening noise came again when her eyes glanced at all the people below.
The noise stopped when she turned away.
Arabella tipsily walked to the bed and plopped down, feeling dizzy from "hearing" so much noise. But it wasn't her ears that were aching since the noise was directly inside her head.
'What is wrong with me?!'
First, she was suddenly back to 22 years ago. And now, she was suddenly hearing thoughts in her head directly.
Arabella tried to calm down as the headache gradually subsided.
But the worst was yet to come…
The sun had set before she knew it, and the sky turned dark.
"Arabella, I'm coming in," said someone outside her room.
Arabella instantly stiffened upon hearing this cold, familiar voice.
It was just a few minutes ago when this voice weakly apologized and thanked her for being his wife. But now, it sounded strong, firm, and dangerous.
Emperor Ferdinand Valeria.
Her husband.
'WHAT SHOULD I DO?! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!'
Arabella thought of escaping, but where would she go? She was still feeling dizzy, too.
Before she could decide, the door opened. And there came Ferdinand, looking so dashing and attractive in his twenties.
Her heart skipped a beat and raced wildly even when she didn't want to.
This was the Ferdinand she once loved.
His younger self, who once took a bit of liking to her, too.
This was exactly what he looked like when she fell for him.
Ferdinand was twenty-three when they got married, so he was forty-five years old in her memory.
The one from her memory was still good-looking, but older. And he had lost weight from having to work so much, probably, due to all the troubles she had caused and the poison she had added to his food.
His eyes also didn't look as focused as they did now.
[She's crying! Does she still miss her former lover?]
'Eh?!'
Arabella gulped when she heard his thoughts, and quickly dried her tears.
[She's trying to hide it. Is she scared of me? Ah, of course, she does. My reputation goes a long way.]
'I'm not scared of you,' Arabella thought, and looked him straight in the eye.
She didn't want to be the same girl who was terrified of him in their past life when they had just gotten married.
Gone were the days when she was so scared of him. Or the times when she felt like she could pass out just from a glare from him.
She had been with him for twenty-two years, and ten were spent plotting and trying to ruin him until she finally succeeded.
What would she fear now?
All her fear of him was gone. She knew exactly how to ruin him now. She could do it again if she wanted to. But should she?
'Ah, that's right. Was I given the chance to torment him a second time? Is this my chance to make him pay again?'
At this thought, Arabella internally laughed villainously. But mirthlessly.
She found no joy nor pleasure in it.
It was exhausting after all.
But seeing his face made her remember all the pain she went through because of him. Especially how Fermin turned into a cold corpse after he died of the poison Ferdinand had been feeding him.
She would never forgive Ferdinand for what he did.
"Thank you for becoming my wife," she recalled his last words and the only smile she ever saw on his face before he died.
She wavered.
What was this heavy sense of loss she was feeling?
She was not supposed to feel any sorrow for him.
So what was this pain?
Why did the first and last smile that graced Ferdinand's lips before he died tug at her?
Didn't she loathe him so much that she plotted his downfall?
Arabella stared at her husband and wondered why he tried to protect her when Valeria fell.
'Did he escape to go and save me? Did he plan to run away with me? Why would he care if I got slain by the enemy or got burned in the palace? He never gave a damn about our child or me after I gave birth. What was he trying to do exactly? Did he purposely do that to ruin my mind?'
Arabella pondered as the pain and frustration she felt resurfaced.
Thinking about what happened, from Ferdinand's bloodied clothes and staggering steps, she could tell he had a duel with King Icarus. And he barely escaped with his life.
And yet, Ferdinand fought with those who came to kill her and desperately tried to protect her, only to end up killed by them instead.
'Why did he do that? Why? Just why would he do such a thing?'
It was a puzzle to Arabella. Especially the way he thanked her with a smile, his eyes softening as if he was being genuine as he gazed at her for the last time.
All of it bothered Arabella.
They tugged at something that should no longer exist.