Am I a coward?
I sat in the dirt with tufts of lavender on my left and a small tree covered in lemon blossom on my right. Before me was the polished salt-and-pepper stone etched with the name of a man whose sword I would carry. He'd given everything to the orphanage so that people like me and Sarina could have a place to bloom, and when he was called to war, he went.
Now it was my turn.
Except in the morning I would save my own life and allow Davod and Geraln, two of my best friends since childhood, to march off to die. I would lag behind, sneak into Doren the Hermit's place, and wait there while Sarina quietly packed some things. From there, the two of us would spend our lives running from the Emperor's Invisible Hand.
Tonight, there was another matter, Naveris.
Pagan traditions notwithstanding, thoughts of Sarina and I breaking our chastity together saturated my mind. The world would know it as a man giving his body to her not knowing if he would ever see home again, but for us, it would be our wedding night. Merely precluded for show.
I wanted to fuck her so bad!
Break myself in her.
Become one with her.
Which was worse, to shirk my duty for cowardice, or naked lust?
We would be properly eloped soon enough, surely God would understand.
Right?
"There you are!" A girl's voice called out from the kitchen. Talys's voluptuous body scarcely filled half the door frame, and I went to her. Standing two steps above the garden, her eyes almost made it up to my chin. Her words danced up and down the musical scale as she spoke. "Everyone's looking for you. The guests are here, the food is ready, and Father Yewan is waiting to give a long-winded speech."
That made me smile. "It's called a toast."
From the kitchen behind her, baked rosemary, maple, and pears filled the air. In the waning dusk in the garden where I stood, I could barely make out her face smiling up at me as she toyed with my shirt, flattening it out over my chest. I tried to get a peek inside when an older woman rushed up behind her and urged me. "No, no, you can't come in here! You have to go around front!"
Talys stepped down and laced her arm in mine. "Come, let me show you where it is."
I couldn't help but grin. "You do realize I grew up in this church, right?"
We stepped along the round stones that made a walkway leading through a chorus of herbs towards the gate. In the western horizon, the orange glow of the sun had all but disappeared, leaving the chill night air. Above us, early stars dotted the purple sky.
"Um…" she started, then held her words.
"What is it?"
She laughed nervously. "I, uh…" I could hardly see, but I could hear her take a deep breath and hold it in for a moment. Finally, she stopped and wrapped her arms around my waist. "May I be your Naveris?"
Those words cut through my veins. "I'm sorry. I think that would be… truly wonderful, but I already asked Sarina, and she said yes."
"Are you serious?"
"Why?"
"Nothing," her voice smiled. "I didn't expect that. After you and Guenevieve in the hot bath the other day, I'd assumed…"
"We didn't do anything! Teryn took her clothes, I brought her something to put on, and she invited me in is all. Nothing happened."
Talys giggled lightly. "You don't have to excuse yourself with me! Have you told her about you and Sarina?"
"I have not, and please don't. I owe it to her to tell her myself."
"Yes, you do, but may I at least say that you asked me?"
That made me chuckle a little. "I'm not going through that again!"
"Please?" She leaned in and pressed her body into me. "Geraln has been… it would make my life so much easier. I just can't be anywhere he'll come looking for me tonight. You don't even have to be there. Please?"
I took a deep breath and looked up. Above us, the Wandering Star emerged from behind the shadow of a mountain and drifted lazily across the sky. "I don't know, Talys. You know Sarina and I have a history. I can't let anything happen that might give her a reason to doubt me."
We entered the dining hall together, and the place was filled with guests. Three long tables had been arranged into a horseshoe, with three big, cushioned chairs at the center. Davod was in the middle with Geraln to his left, and the chair to his right was reserved for me. At least three-dozen places had been set with plates, cups, silver, and cloth napkins. Flutes, drums, cymbals, and an old man strumming his dasegwa filled the room with music while several couples danced. A woman sat in the corner nursing her infant, a crowd of men laughed and told stories, and several children chased one another around laughing and trying to give one another the plague.
Sarina found me. Her deep yellow skin glowed in the firelight, and she dragged me over to the empty chair beside Davod. When she started to walk off, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her into my lap. She giggled hard and leaned into me, draping her arm over my shoulder.
I nearly whispered. By God, her eyes looked so beautiful when she smiled. "I'm looking forward to tonight."
She smiled wide. "What's that?"
I leaned in closer and raised my voice cautiously. "I said I'm looking forward to tonight."
"You'll have to speak up, it's loud in here!"
"You heard me just fine!"
At that she batted her eyelashes and got back up. As she walked off, I was captivated by the way that printed dress hung over her fit arse. She peeked over one shoulder and winked, then disappeared into the crowd.
With my heart aflutter, I glanced at Davod, who grinned back at me.
"What?" I shrugged.
Davod shook his head and laughed. Geraln leaned in and added, "that's how you screw things up, you know. What if Guenevieve saw all that?"
Davod turned to him. "Then we'll all be entertained!"
The two of them laughed and drank some more wine. They didn't know about me and Sarina, and they didn't need to. I caught a glimpse of Talys at the end of the hall. She glared at Geraln for a moment. He glared back, and she disappeared into the kitchen.
Geraln leaned over as if to call out to me, but then Father stood at the center trying to quiet the musicians. Once they stopped, everyone turned their attention to him
The old friar lifted a mug of ale high in the air. "Friends, thank you all for coming. It is with celebration and sadness, grief and gratitude, that we invited you all to send off our three boys… men… to fight for peace within the Empire. Geraln, Davod, and Caleb, we wish you victory, we wish you health. Tonight, fill your bellies and enjoy this taste of Gath. We are a small village, but we love the three of you dearly, and we wish for your safe return. Thank you."
Everyone cheered. Girls poured out from the kitchen carrying platters and bowls, and began portioning out food onto everyone's plates in no particular order at all. Talys helped Mother Searnie push a wheeled cart with a fat hog covered in syrup that glistened in the light from candles throughout the hall. She brought it directly to Father Yewan who protested, "you should serve the honored, first!"
The old woman ignored him and bent over to kiss him on the lips before carving him a generous slab of meat dripping in pear gravy.
Guenevieve brought a plate of stuffed mushrooms swimming in molten cheese that let off fumes of nice pepper. "Careful with these ones."
"Wen, what kind of mushrooms are these?"
She looked at me sideways. "Normal mushrooms?"
I leaned in towards her. "Are you sure?"
Her face flushed and whispered, "shut up!"
"It's just that…"
"Shh!" she smiled wide and shifted her eyes about.
Runya came to me next. She stood dignified with a metal bowl and a large spoon. "Would you like some mashed gyeza?"
"Yes, please."
She lifted the spoon and placed a dollop of white, buttery goop on my plate. Then she went to Davod and bent over inches from his face. "And would you like some mashed gyeza?"
Her shirt was open, and his eyes had clearly gotten lost. "I'll take anything you serve me."
"Good boy!" she said, then gave her bloated buffoon a generous mass of food.
Talys worked her way from the opposite side of the table, but then skipped over to serve Davod.
"Hey!" Geraln protested.
Talys answered without facing him. "Didn't know you liked vegetables."
Geraln grumbled. "I want some vegetables."
She went back over to his seat and dropped a spoonful of peppered carrots dripping of pork fat onto his plate without looking in his direction. He scowled, but his eyes never left her face. She moved on as soon as she'd finished. Davod leaned over to him and whispered something, but I couldn't hear what it was. I heard Geraln's reply, though. "Stay out of it."
As if I still had room, Dariana brought over a basket of sour breads and gazed at me lovingly while placing one on my plate, then another, smiling wide and not removing her light-green eyes from mine even for a second.
"Why does he get two?" Geraln protested. "Why do I only get one?"
Dariana answered him smoothly. "You didn't ask nicely."
"Can I get another?"
"That's not nice enough."
"May I please get another?"
"Still not nice."
"What the hell?"
Davod waved him off. "There's plenty of food, man."
Dariana pursed her lips, looked back at me, then placed a third roll on my plate before resuming her journey around the guests.
Juliara came by with a scoop of shredded meat soaked in thick, brown gravy and dotted with sliced olives.
"Thank you Juliara," I said.
"Fuck off," and she walked away. Davod broke out laughing and took another sip of his drink.
By the time the girls sat down for their own meal, most of the guests were well into stuffing themselves full. The older men of the village finished their meals and went back to playing music. Some of the girls went around keeping everyone's wine cups full, and I ate so much I felt like taking a nap.
Several girls emerged from a doorway with Guenevieve carrying a large bundle wrapped up in brown paper. They made their way around the table and stopped in front of me. Sarina was behind them asking the musicians to pause for a moment.
Then, with everyone's eyes on me, Talys began. "If I were to dream, I may be a bird. I'd fly through the sky, hop from tree to tree, and sing my way about. Might as well be a magical goyin… or at least a little taller."
She got some muted laughter for that.
"But dreams and flights of fancy, sweet as they are, pale against hope. To live in that sweet bliss where hopes and dreams intersect, Caleb, we must keep you alive."
Geraln slammed his cup on the table. Red wine spilled over the rim and drenched his fingers. "What are you talking about?"
She turned directly to him. "I'd rather fuck him than you."
"Talys!" Father shot while the rest of the table erupted in laughter. I tried to cover my face and disappear.
She turned briefly to him and answered. "Chide me for speaking the truth in a church, Father? Do we not celebrate courage? Is this not why we're here—to speak the unspoken lest the listener never return to hear it."
She turned back to me. "In that spirit, we—all of us—pooled our funds to buy you this."
From behind her, Guenevieve brought up the package. It was wrapped in brown paper and tied with a deep-red ribbon that ended with a bow. The paper was decorated with a handful of red kisses and smelt of mountain lilies after a spring rain.
I hadn't expected anything like that. Geraln continued to glare at me, while Father himself was baffled as well.
"Open it!" Sarina beamed with joy. Her face was all I needed.
It was heavy. And malleable.
I found a seam in the paper, tore it away, and unfolded the garments inside. One was a long tunic made of fine metal rings, and the other a vest of thick, hardened leather.
I turned to Sarina. "You bought me armor?"
"We all did." She gestured with her hand around the table at the numerous ladies in attendance.
I felt a knot in my gut. They'd spent what they had for me to wear this armor into battle, not knowing I would shirk my duties come morning.
Geraln stabbed his words. "Where the fuck is mine?"
"Geraln!" Father shouted at him.
Dariana answered. "We thought that your mother would take care of you… as she always does."
"Yes," Varilne added. "It's because Caleb is an orphan. He has no family, poor thing."
Geraln breathed in audibly, picking up his wine and downing it in one gulp before setting it back down and tapping at it. He then waited a moment while the musicians resumed. A minute later he cleared his throat and tapped at his wine glass a second time.
"Will one of you girls fill my son's cup?" His mother shot a look at Talys, who wandered elsewhere.
Sarina brought out a carafe to fill his cup with. He swallowed that one just as quick and let streams of excess dribble down his chin before snapping his fingers at her.
"You don't have to be rude," I told him.
He sucked his teeth and took another decisive gulp before looking off in another direction. I thought he was done, but he swallowed the rest of his drink and turned back to me. "And you don't have to be a selfish cunt!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I picked Talys, and you're leading her on. And everyone saw you with her by the pool when you knew I loved her, and you don't give a shit about her!"
"Calm yourself!" Father stood. Once more, the music stopped.
"I'm tired of calming myself!" He then pointed at me while he spoke, "why don't you chide this slut for kissing every fucking girl in the barony to feed his selfish ego! You fucking KNEW I loved her!"
The rest of the dining hall fell silent. Talys's voice cut through his tirade. "I kiss who I want, you fat petulant shit!"
His mother spoke up again. "You talk to my son that way? He's been nothing but nice to you!"
"Yourson has been an absolute cunt!"
Geraln shot up from his chair and answered. "Maybe if you'd have given me what I asked for…"
Talys turned back to him. "You're repugnant! I don't want you, I NEVER wanted you, and I NEVER WILL!"
"I WANT MY NAVERIS!"
"Grow a spine! Maybe then you could ask your left hand for a change!"
"I want my FUCKING NAVERIS!"
"NO!"
His mother spoke up again. "The boy is going off to war. You should be honored!"
Father reached out his hands to cool the situation, but it was clear he'd lost control.
"NO!" Talys shouted. "You want your son's cock wet so bad, spread your own damn legs! He's a fat weakling and you should have culled him!"
Geraln chuckled bitterly and looked around the room, holding his cup aloft. "Get a load of this slut! You know Talys, he'll never look at you the way he looks at the mutt."
Everything went silent but for the crackling of the fire. I glared at him. I summoned all my strength to resist pummeling him in that moment. Talys's voice was low and careful, and her face grew still. "I don't think you should talk about her like that."
But Geraln did not silence himself. "Why the fuck not? You say what everyone thinks, so can I." He then pointed at Sarina while looking directly at me. "I bet she's not even an orphan. I bet her whore mother abandoned her because she didn't want to raise a halfbreed."
That was it. Davod saw me coming across from him and caught me in his giant arms.
"Come on!" Geraln goaded further. Then, seeing I was restrained, he took another swig from his cup. But I would not be restrained. Instead, I dropped down low and slipped free from Davod, then lunged at Geraln with all my strength. He hadn't seen that coming, and my fist caught him square on the nose. He doubled back, and my other fist caught him on the side of his jaw.
"Hold him back!" Father shouted.
But I wasn't done. As Geraln fell backwards onto the floor, I was over him landing more punches, when strong arms wrapped around me. My next few blows found air as I was pulled from him, so I kicked, landing a boot into his side.
Davod pulled me away from the man. When I shook the haze from my eyes, I saw Geraln on his back coughing, then turning to the side to spit out blood onto the floor. He wouldn't get up, but rather lay there, a quivering mass, sobbing into the blood pooling out from his nose and mouth.
"CALEB!" Father shouted. "Go to your room at once!"
My heart still thundered, and my breath was still heavy. I snatched my cup of hot cider and left with a room full of eyes following me. Down the corridor I made it to my bedroom while the musicians started up again. I slammed the door, unwilling to hear the rest of the evening. People talking, music playing, and soon they would start to dance. I'd have asked Sarina to dance with me. We'd have shown everyone how we truly felt and we wouldn't be just friends anymore. Geraln was drunk. I should have let him ramble on, vomit, and then wake in the morning with regret. Instead I gave up my evening for that. I gave up dancing with her.
I sipped my cider. The warmth of the drink had long surrendered to the sharp bite of alcohol, and I leaned back to linger on the taste.
I had my own regrets.
No matter. By this time tomorrow, Sarina and I would leave this world behind and find our adventure together, unbound.
I had a lonely candle beside me on the nightstand. The flame danced to its own music, and as it burned down my mind raced.
I'd spent weeks staying up late with Geraln helping him prepare for the knowledge tourney in Heralia City. That one stupid question cost him the gold medal, only for him to solve it on the way home. He refused to give me the answer, insisting I figure it out on my own.
You have four dirty cups in a tub, all identical. You pick one up and wash it. Then, without thinking, you put it back into the tub. You pick up another cup, might be the same one, and wash that one. Then you become distracted and put that one back into the tub as well. How many times must you wash a cup in this way to be 95% certain you've washed them all?
I would never see him again. I would never know if he was killed, and the image of him shooting derision at Sarina would be my last memory of him.
The noise outside had long quieted, I'd long since drained my cider. The crickets played their song outside, and a knock came to my door. I sat up. "Come in."
The hallway had only a faint orange glow from the distant hearth behind the tall, slim silhouette of a girl wearing a ribbon of black silk for an evening gown. It was Guenevieve. The candle shimmered off the smooth skin she'd graced my eyes with.
"Hello," she said. In her hands, she carried the heavy bundle of armor I'd gotten earlier. I got up to take it from her and put it on the wardrobe opposite my bed.
"Thanks, Wen."
"May I sit with you?"
"Sure."
We sat together on the bed. My eyes traced her skin from her side across her hips. The black silk fell between her legs, leaving her whole side naked.
"There's something I never told you." Her voice was soft and resolute, and echoed of deep concern. "About my dad."
"What about him?"
"I watched him do it."
"What? You said you found him—that you heard something and ran in, and found him on the floor."
"That was a lie. I watched him do it." A solitary tear meandered down her cheek, and she raised a hand to wipe it away.
"Why did you…"
"Just listen." She wiped another tear away, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "This is important. I came in and he had the knife in his hand. He looked at me. He was crying and he looked at me. I asked him what he was doing, and he just sobbed. He said he was following orders. Those words. They haunt me. He kept saying it and he was crying. I had to follow orders. He just kept saying it. I asked what he was doing and he said he was just following orders. Then…"
She wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"That's when…"
She couldn't speak any more for the tears. I grasped for something I could comfort her with, and stroked her back beneath her hair. "I'm sorry…"
"Just listen!"
I held still.
"War changes a man. Even before…" her voice wavered. "He used to carry me on his shoulders, throw me in the air. I'd sit on his lap and we would read together. When he came back, he wasn't him anymore. He was… changed. He wouldn't laugh, he wouldn't talk. He barely came out, and he… he drank. A lot. I… he… I'm scared. I'm terrified that you won't come back. Then I'm terrified that you will come back but you won't be Caleb anymore."
I didn't know what else to do so I folded my arms around her and held her close. Then, as surely as the storm carries rain, we brought our lips together and kissed. I felt her hand behind my neck to draw me in, but I couldn't. I pulled us apart.
"I heard," she whispered, "that skinny girls… feel better."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I don't know, obviously, because I'm not a man, but I heard. I heard that we're… tighter. Maybe you'd like it?"
Thoughts of Sarina shot through my skull and I inched my body away from hers. My heart dreaded what I needed to say. "Um… Wen… I'm so sorry. It's… it's not you. I'm sorry."
Her face froze. Then, without a word she stood, looked down at me, shook her head, and ran out the door. I shot up and looked around the corner for her, only to catch a flash of her dress billowing behind her.
"Wen!" I called out, but she was gone.
The expression on her face broke my heart. I needed a moment, so I stared at the wall until my room went dark leaving only the ambient light from the distant hearth coming in from the doorway.
I had to tell her. If I hadn't hurt her, I'd have hurt Sarina. It didn't make it easier. I searched my mind for Sarina, and after what felt like hours, I went to look for her.
I thought she might still be in the dining hall, but when I got there all I found were a few stray cups and the faint glow of embers popping in the hearth.
I figured she must have gone to bed, so I tiptoed down the hall and knocked on her door ever so gently. I was afraid I'd wake her if she'd gone to sleep. The door opened, and she stood before me wearing a silk nightgown with lace trim that hugged her lean, athletic figure. Her toned legs looked phenomenal, and I fought hard to bring my eyes from her nipples poking through the garment. My breath caught in my throat, and I whispered. "You look absolutely beautiful."
She smiled, took my hand, and brought me into her bedroom. She had a candelabra with a half-dozen candles casting enough light to sate my addiction to her sublime figure. She directed me to sit on the bed, and I watched her back side, groaning in desperation as she closed the door. She turned around. "You said I look beautiful."
"Yeah."
"What is that in crude-man-speak?"
She always made me laugh. "Your legs look fucking delicious. I want to get between them and lick you clean."
She smiled. "Sounds like fun. Anything else?"
"Your breasts are hypnotic."
She stepped closer. "What do you want to do with them?"
My mind raced with possibilities. I needed anything and everything. This was our night. This was it. I unleashed my imagination. "Rub my face in them. Bite down on your nipples and suck on them for hours."
"Are you excited?"
An understatement. I had no words, but my erection lifted a tent in the center of my trousers. Sarina glanced down at it and bit her lip with a smile.
"Do you envision me lifting up the hem of my nightgown?"
My eyes were trapped. Her glorious, toned thighs all the way up to that lace trim. I loved her face, but I couldn't leave the hem of that teasy outfit. "Mm-hmm."
"Yeah?" And she toyed with it. Her fingers, flitted about, tugging at both sides she stretched it over her legs, only to release and pass her fingers in front, beneath the hem. "I've got nothing on under here. You want to see?"
"I do."
And she kept playing, teasing my eyes. She stepped in close, only to step away giggling when I reached out to touch her. I needed to feel her body. I needed to brush my lips on her taut nipples, but she kept me at this torturous distance.
She whispered, "you wanna fuck me?"
I breathed heavily, barely able to contain myself.
"It's been on my mind all day," she said. "After you said what you said in the belfry, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The sensation of you, imagining you inside me, feeling you. I was so excited! I was touching myself to the thought of it right when Talys came to the door and told me she saw you kissing Guenevieve. Just a moment ago."
Shit. "Oh. That. I, uh…"
She refused to look directly at me, choosing instead to meet my face in a mirror beside the wardrobe. "Some things don't change, do they?"
I needed to make her understand. I had to explain. "I told Guenevieve…"
"I don't care."
"You don't?"
"I told you not to go starting fires." She slid the door open and stood beside it to usher me out. "Go fight your precious war."
"But…"
"Go. Away."